By Ayize Ma’at
I hesitate to write this post as I sit here…trying to make some sense of the cluster of emotions that have bum rushed my spirit. A part of me is reluctant to express what is weighing heavy on my heart….however, the greater part of me NEEDS to tell you the story of my tears in an attempt to release the frustration, anger, fear, and sadness that I’m wrestling with. I love my son with every ounce of my being. Since he is our first born…he holds a special place in my heart that is reserved only for him. As a matter of fact when he gets older he may possibly read this post….so let me say this:
Duah, I love you completely. I am thankful for you, I am committed to you, and I am proud to be your father.
A year ago we were told that our 9 year old son has arthritis in his hip. Yup…a 9 year old with arthritis…go figure. When the Dr. first shared that news with me… it broke me down. Now I know arthritis within itself is not the end of the world, but for him to deal with Sickle Cell Anemia, Asthma, and now Arthritis…..that’s a bit much. So being overwhelmed with emotion I cried. I cried because I don’t want my son to hurt. I cried because i don’t want my son to have to deal with the embarrassment that may come from his physical limitations. I cried because there’s a good chance my son won’t play sports the way I played sports as a child.
That was a year ago when we got the news about arthritis….well today he had a follow up appointment with the specialist and the condition of his hip has deteriorated to a point where the Dr. said NO running or jumping for the next year. When Aiyana called me and shared this info with me….every part of me screamed “FUCK….here’s something else my son has to deal with”.
Asante has developed a remarkable ability to find the positives in his experiences. When I talked to him he sounded sad…but there was a hint of optimism in his energy when I told him I love him and we’re going to have a great time riding bikes and swimming this summer. When I got off the phone with him, tears started welling up in my eyes. Why does he have to deal with this. I don’t want him to experience this. I wish I could carry his pain, fear, frustration, and embarrassment for him. I wish I could give him more than my love.
I love you Duah.