10 Things I’ve Learned In 36 Years Of Marriage

By Tom King

My wife and I recently celebrated our 36th wedding anniversary. As I reflected on this, I decided to share my list of the top 10 things I have learned in 36 years, in no particular order.

1. We’ve grown up together. We all bring our unfinished business with us into marriage and it’s these developmental issues that create the most problems. In our case we got married young and that makes it even more obvious and important to grow up. When we have been honest with ourselves and worked on our own maturity, our relationship has grown.

2. We’ve changed with life stages. Related to growing up is recognizing the need to adapt to different life stages. Each stage of life brings particular gifts and challenges to marriage. Being aware of this and making adjustments has been critical. Now as empty-nesters we are rediscovering certain freedoms while also dealing with getting older. It never stops.

3. Life comes in cycles. Marriage is like a rose bush. It contains both beautiful flowers and thorns. Sometimes the flowers bloom and it is fragrant and wonderful. Sometimes the blooms fall off and all you see is the thorns. If you nurture the plant and keep it healthy, you can count on the blooms returning. Learn to accept it all with patience.

4. Trust follows behavior. Most people agree that trust is critical to a healthy relationship. The only way to earn or re-establish trust is through consistent loving and honorable behavior. Words become meaningless if not supported by your behavior.

5. Values hold us together. My wife and I are different in personalities, motivations, and interests. What has been a foundation for our marriage is our shared values and priorities. It is vital to keep values in mind and talk about what is important to both of you at each stage of life.

6. It isn’t always easy to tell the truth. Telling your partner the truth can be difficult, especially if you haven’t learned to be honest with yourself and in touch with your feelings and desires. We may be afraid of our partner’s reactions or of exposing something we prefer to hide. The trick is speaking the truth in a spirit of love and owning responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings.

7. Know and accept your partner. We all view life through our own perspective and assume it is the best or only way. Things that make my wife feel loved and cared about are not always the same for me.

What I am sensitive to is also different than what she is sensitive to. How she likes to do certain things is different than my way. I have wasted too much energy trying to change rather than accept her, and this only makes the patterns of reactions stronger. People do not need to be fixed, only loved and affirmed.

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3 replies
  1. rimowa luggage
    rimowa luggage says:

    I got married in April. I love my husband and my stepson dearly. I see so many marriages end in a few years nowadays, and I want to hear some inspirational advice from those who have shown that it works. I want to hear from those with several years experience in marriage, because I've seen too many -10 year marriage fail spectacularly.

    • Terrence
      Terrence says:

      I am coming up on 10 years of marriage in July and so is my twin brother a few months later. My wife and I love each other and our committed to each other. That is a decision that we made was to be committed. I take my wedding vows very seriously and my wife and I go to marriage conferences, we read marriage books, we do maintenance on our marriage so that we don't drift apart. Our relationship isn't perfect but we're both committed to it and having God as a foundation has really been the glue that has kept us together. God bless you and Congratulations on your marriage :)!!!!!!

    • Ayize
      Ayize says:

      the mrs. and i have been together 18 years…..married for 10 on the 27th of this month. this website is a manifestation of our connection with each other and our commitment to each other's continued growth. We are still very much deeply in love with each other and we're excited about experiencing our gracefully aging love forever.
      My recent post One Lie Too Many. How Much Is Too Much?

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