He Said. She Said. You Be The Judge.
We receive tons of questions day in and day out here at Blackloveandmarriage.com. Some of the questions that come in are from couples so we’ve decided (with their permission) to present both sides and allow you to be the judge. Weigh in by voting below and leaving a comment letting them know what you think.
Couple In Conflict (…and workin it out) 😉
- Robert & Carla Graves from Cincinnati,Ohio
- Married for 2 and a 1/2 years
- 3 children
She Says…
I think my husband is immune to giving the children baths. Whenever bath time arrives my husband vanishes right before my eyes and miraculously reappears in the basement sitting on the couch in front of the t.v. I’m not asking that we equally share the responsibility of bathing our children. But I am asking that he participate. I work and I’m tired after work. These are his children too and they need to be cleaned and i’m not the only one that knows how to make a bubble bath.
He Says…
When I get home from work in the evenings I want to relax and not be bothered with that type of task. I feel like she is giving me something additional to do like I don’t have enough on my plate already. She gives the baths and I take out the trash. We both agreed on this when we were in pre-marital counseling. When I give the baths is she gonna take out the trash. NO. Therefore I’m leaving the bathing of our children to her and I’ll handle other important aspects of managing our home. She should handle her business and let me handle mine.
I think you always have a problem when things are so regimented…..so what you agreed to that in premarital counseling? I HATE taking out the trash, but I've been doing it for years as a single woman so if I have to do it again once or twice no problem. But why is it that bathing your own kids is viewed as a CHORE? I agree with the woman above who said if you see something that needs to be done, do it. That seems more like true partnership to me. BUT, and this is a big BUT, is he just being selfish or is there any possibility that he has any issues with bath time because maybe he's experienced molestation? I just had a conversation with a friend that has happened to and he says he's very uncomfortable giving his daughter a bath and now that she's old enough, he pretty much lets her handle any intimate washing herself. I don't think is is necessarily the case here, but it could be something to consider.
the molestation angle is an interesting approach…..thanks for throwing this into the dialogue because it opens the doorway for deeper exploration into the reason why he may not be willing to give baths.
If a plan was done in pre-marital counseling (which it is great that they had that) and the plan is no longer working for both people, it's time to re-visit the plan. My wife and I had a plan too (from pre-marital counseling), and for the most part we stuck to it. However we did have to make adjustments. It's great that a plan was agreed upon, but things change and so should the plan when modifications need to be made.
I feel him on this one. Some of the things my wife asks me to do ….makes me wonder about her resolve. I don't ask her to take out the trash, or tend to the car, or repair the toilet, etc etc. I think it works best when he stays in his lane and she stays in hers.
If you live in the same house, why does it matter who takes out the trash and who gives the kids a bath. Are not you a unit? Fathers giving children their baths is a perfect opportunity for bonding.
My son actually ask for his father to give him a bath; and it brightens my husbands spirit to hear his son ask for him.
We both wash dishes, cook, clean, wash clothes and bath the kids. I have been married for almost 21 years, after a while, it doen't matter who does what as long as it gets done. If you see a need, just do it. If you are at odds about roles, there is a larger issue.
Does he not consider bathtime bonding time? I give our son all of his bath,(because my husband has issues with his knees and cannot kneel for long periods of time) but he is still in the bathroom with us participating. After I get the baby out of the water, my husband gets him dressed for bed. I love the fact that we do this together. my hubby works and I am a SAHM
Can we say compromise? I mean really…2 tired, working people. She even says that she's not looking to share equal bathing responsibility. Can he do baths one night a week? While she gets the garbage. Or how about she bathes the kids, and he gets them lotioned up and in their pajamas? Can he run the bath wather for them? Something!