He Said. She Said. You Be The Judge.
We receive tons of questions day in and day out here at Blackloveandmarriage.com. Some of the questions that come in are from couples so we’ve decided (with their permission) to present both sides and allow you to be the judge. Weigh in by voting below and leaving a comment letting them know what you think.
Couple In Conflict (…and working it out) 😉
- Anonymous from Hobson City, Alabama
- Married for 4 years
- 3 Children
He Says…
I’m pretty bored with my sex life. Our sexual routine happens the same time every time. The movie goes like this….kiss, oral sex, missionary, orgasm. I want to do something different and perform anal sex on my wife. I’ve studied different lubricants and have become informed on the sensitivity of that area. I want to give it a try. I feel like my wife should at least be open to trying.
She Says…
Sex is supposed to be a pleasurable experience. We have sex 1X a week. I enjoy it and our routine. I cringe when I think of anything entering my anus. I don’t feel like I should have to perform tricks for him sexually just because he’s bored. Sex shouldn’t just be about his pleasure but mine as well. If he wants to study lubricants then he should use them on himself. I I think it’s unfair for him to expect anal sex from me.
Umm, the wife said "We have sex once a week and I'm happy with our ROUTINE." This is the kind of thing that helps create infidelity. I could see if she had said "I'm not sure about anal, but is there somethng else we could do different? Let me read up on that a little and see how I feel about it. I may not like it, but maybe I'll try it and see if it's something we can incorporate sometimes."
I mean, i'm not saying compromise your comfort or do something you don't feel OK with, but if you're going to be married for a long time, I think personally you have to be open to change sexually and otherwise.
But isn't this something folks talk about BEFORE the wedding? If you haven't worked out sex and money, you're going to have issues.
Well, I feel that when you’re married you should be open to explore the sexual desires of your spoude but if your spouse isn’t completely comfortable with a performing a certain act then their discomfort should be recognized and respected. And, I hope he doesn’t hold a grudge against his wife for not wanting to try anal. I agree with some of the others comments, there are many other things you can do to enhance your sex life. Think out of the box.
I think they should seek professional advice. This should be either a marriage counselor/sex therapist. In the meantime they should both communicate what they want and expect sexually from one another. It should not matter what sex act they want to try it is all about the "communication." Perhaps an exercise in compromise should be in order. Now as far as the actual act of anal sex a good resource would be these two books: Anal Pleasure and Health (A Guide for Men and Women): By Dr. Jack Morin and The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex For Women: By Tristan Taormino. I have these two in my library and I highly recommend them both. Also, this website might of some use as well: http://www.aneros.com. I hope this helps?
I love my wife….but haven't you heard the saying….what you won't do someone else will. If that is a fantasy of his I feel like it's a wife's responsibility to have a open mind and give it a try. It sounds to me like he's trying to help their love life….not hurt it.
A husband should never try to push his wife to do something that is uncomfortable to her. I approached her with the idea and she gave her opinon. She should in turn try to find something else that he would like that she is comfortable with and that will satisfy him. The Bible says that the husband should treat his wife as he treats himself. Ask him if he would like anal…and make sure your prepared for the answer….
It seems like they were never sexually compatible in the first place. So 4 years later and 3 children down he's bored .That didn't just happen overnight. That's something that's been going on for a long time.People need to wake up and know that when you meet a person and they tell you and show you who they are.. believe it! they are not going to change and you can't change them.
Although, I do believe that married couples should do things in the bedroom to spice up their sex life, I do NOT believe that either partner should perform a sex act that will make them (him/her) feel uncomfortable in any way. If the wife says the thought of having sex makes her uncomfortable then the husband should suggest something else that they both can enjoy!!
She should not be doing anything that she doesn't want to do. Don't you think it is a bit selfish if he wants her to do something she is not comfortable with for his pleasure. I am all for exploring, but NO means NO. Personally, I really wonder about men who push for anal sex. It makes wonder if he has other issues he is not discussing, getting lost in the well or just really exploring his freaky side. But to go from I'm bored straight to I want anal sex is something that we really need to discuss not because of the act but because there are so many things to do in between that can get you there if you want to go.
I think they should start small, and add a little variety to their sex life first. Mix it up…do something different. Step outside of the missionary box. After they get used to doing some different things, then maybe they can go for the gusto. I don't think it's fair to go from 0 to 100 all at once, but I do think she needs to be more open to trying some new ideas in the bedroom.
I think this wife should try it. It never hurts to try…no pun intended. Lol.