Women Need To Compete For Their Man—Whether Just Dating Or Married

By Aiyana Ma’at Yesterday, while on the way home , I came across the Michael Baisden show on the radio and happened upon an interesting conversation that had a lot of women hot—as in mad. Michael Baisden talked about the fact that women need to compete for a man before they get him and once they have him. When I got home I got on the phone with some single & married sista friends to see what they thought—my idea of a quick little survey. Most of them made comments like this: “Compete? What?! Why? This ain’t no competition!” or “I want to feel as If I’m the only one, as If I’m special—I wouldn’t feel like that If I had to compete for my man.” or “This is my husband. I already got him. Ain’t no need for all that!”

So, I’ll be honest when I first heard the word compete it just rubbed me the wrong way. As women I think we like to focus on the lovey dovey sweet romance of our relationships rather than the nitty gritty, come with your A game, “do what you did to get him even when you got him” part of our relationships. But, if I’m honest a little healthy competition can only help not hurt my marriage. Keeping my game tight and handling my business is a responsibility and a privilege. If men have to compete for women then why do we feel as if it’s beneath us to “compete”? It’s all in how you look at it. For me, personally, it means just a few of the following things:

  • Continually work on listening more and talking less.
  • Make it a point to express my support of my husband in my words and actions.
  • Make sure sex is not some theory in a dusty book on a shelf that never gets opened—give him some regularly.
  • Continue to expand my horizons and my mind so I have something to bring to my relationship intellectually.
  • Keep it honest with him like no one else can—that means I consider his growth by keeping it real with what I say to him and I consider his feelings with how I say things to him.
  • Make sure that I give him space to just be and don’t crowd him out with wanting to have things my way all the time—I’ll admit it—I can be quite self-centered at times.

Again, these are just some of the things that I do to compete for my man. So, sistas, you can get caught up in the word compete and talk about what we shouldn’t have to do or what we ain’t gonna do. But, remember this: What you won’t do—somebody else will.

11 replies
  1. ChiDirtySouthGul
    ChiDirtySouthGul says:

    I feelin' that…

  2. MzDThatsMe
    MzDThatsMe says:

    Charlotte, I believe it's the word itself particularly when it's used in the context of relationships… Also, I want to point out that I'm for the "c" word in the spirit of working toward health and quality in the relationship. Not implying losing ourselves, compromising integrity, threatening self-worth and/or morals. Nor am I suggesting that our men aren't competing FOR us – mine sure is doing the thang to keep MY attention (yes Lawd)! With that said, when we wear his fav fragrance, jammies, lipstick, hairstyle (or whatever the case) we're operating in that "c" word – it's WIN WIN! Cause iffin' we don't somebody else will… I'm just sayin'…

  3. MzDThatsMe
    MzDThatsMe says:

    I'm lovin' the healthy dialogue and differing opinions… Whether the cup is half full or half empty regarding the "c" word, it appears that we're getting the WORK done to thwart the notion of our mates "need" for venturing elsewhere. The REAL is men are VISUAL (that's where the drama begins). Whether they admire from afar (t.v., magazine, movies, videos) or up close and personal (coworker, church member, best friends boo, lady from across the street), we just outta' continue to maintain, condition to stay in and/or step up the GAME. I'm just sayin'…

  4. Cynthia
    Cynthia says:

    Compete? I was like what? But I hear ya! Maintaining. I'm all for that one. There is still something inflammatory about the word compete. I do agree that whatever you did to get him, you have to continue to keep him. If another woman goes after my husband, it is no different than someone breaking into my house trying to steal my purse. I don't play that one. There will be a quick and swift response because marriage is hard work and I work hard at it. Still trying to swallow the word compete. LOL

  5. Netherland
    Netherland says:

    Hold, on, my sister and my brother!!!! I am not drinking THAT KOOL-AID or buying into that school of thought, from our dear brother Michael Baisden. Don't get me wrong, you MUST, as a married couple continue the mating dance, the flirting, courting, dating, and dirty dancing, and all the things that it took, for you to get your partner, and some new stuff too, but COMPETING, in a marriage? No way! Competing with who and what, I guess would be my question. Maybe I'm not taking this in the right context, but based on the way I read it, I'm NOT COMPETING WITH ANYONE, FOR MY HUSBAND. I don't have to at my age, because when I turned 42 (now 47), something in me snapped, and my husband was SPRUNG, all over again, and he was wondering why suddenly my libido WAS OUT OF CONTROL. It is so intense, people accused us of sneaking a little afternoon delight……. Finally, my husband said to me, "Baby, I don't mean no harm, but I can't concentrate when I'm at work, I'm day dreaming, suffering from after shocks and tremors, at the thought of what took place the night before…could we slow up a bit?" Oh course, I felt bad for him, so you know what my answer was….."HAAAIIIILLL, No!" 🙂

    I'm not competing, because neither of us are putting it out there like that. Competition might occur between a dating couple, during a relationship, with both parties agreeing they are seeing others, BUT NOT IN A MARRIAGE! I'm sorry, but I have to say it, because I don't hold back, but Michael Baisden frequently sells that bologna and cheese that, "We weren't meant to be monogomous", and that swinger scene is somehow acceptable and can find a place in a married couples lifestyle, but not this couple! If that's the lifestyle you wanna lead, STAY SINGLE, but don't try to peddle that foolishness to married couples, and especially when you are talking about mentoring our young black girls and boys. I listen to his show, but with all the issues so many married couples have, he's only helping to perpetuate the break down of black families and relationships, rather than building them up; and all that talk, while touring his mentoring campaign.

    I am not competing for my husband. I've told him, the moment he feels he needs someone else, to respect me enough to tell me, because if you going to do something (or someone else), give me the opportunity to explore and enjoy the possibilities, that might be afforded to me, in a way that is morally and spiritually correct and with a clear conscience, as I too, expect to be able to live a happy and fulfilled life.

    I am in love with my husband, but I love me too, and we both deserve each others love. I am humbled by how much my husband loves me, and does so COMPLETELY AND UNCONDITIONALLY, and he NEVER COMPLAINS. I'm talking, I've been at home all day watching T.V. and he comes home from work and cleans the kitchen, fixes my dinner, bring my plate, and rubs my crusty feet! Hubby gives me 110%, and I give my 110%, but sometimes we can forget to do all the special stuff. But there is enough "Act right" from both of us, that it's enough to carry us through a dry season, due to work, an argument etc. We have a firm and ever evolving foundation that sustains us. No need for competition, here.

    • Cynthia
      Cynthia says:

      Thank you for taking the time and space to break that down. I think it is the term here because when you think of competition, someone wins and someone loses. I don't feel the need to compete for my husband but I do feel the need to maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

    • Sweet Tea
      Sweet Tea says:

      I completely agree…If we are talking about two mature adults who took their vows seriously, have some ability to communicate no matter how emotionally mature they are, then competition should not be an issue! The expectation is for my husband to practice self-control the same way I do when I see eye candy and I candy sees me! (okay).

  6. MzDThatsMe
    MzDThatsMe says:

    Wow, wow, wow… I didn't hear the radio show, however, ironically was in a similar conversation with a couple of "my girls" about that lil' ole "c" word… As you can imagine it was a highly intense and energetic debate/discussion. So much so, I had to whip out my cell to pull up the dictionary app in an attempt to cool the emotions. I began to exhaust the definition – by pulling back the layers of just what the word means… Well, by the time we ended the conversation, we were laughing hysterically because I had to get a lil' graphic about making that "c" word our friend! Compete, heck yeah, every day God gives me, I'm GOING FOR MY PRIZE (the hubs). Yes mam, yes sir, I'm dang sure a contender, because I'm thankful for MY AWARD (the commmitment, the covenant and the consummation). Yes indeed the "c" word is our friend, keeps us on our toes… I'm just sayin'…

    • Karen
      Karen says:

      Oh, wow….I never thought about it like that. I was set to start typing my Hell naw I ain't competing spill and this really made me think. It's definitely another way to look at it.

      • MzDThatsMe
        MzDThatsMe says:

        Karen, I wasn't always convinced either… However, I've celebrated enough birthdays that have permitted me to experience and witness the gamut. The "c" word is harmless if we work it to our favor. You ever heard men speak of a boxing match and say something like "he didn't know what hit him" …??? My husband is handsome, articulate, and geniunely kind. When (not if) some chicka approaches him (and she will) and he rejects BAM she has a black eye! Why? She didn't know what HIT HER – because I'm in the RING wearing the RING! I'm just sayin'…

  7. Charlotte
    Charlotte says:

    I like! I'm definitely willing to compete for my husband cause he is worth it. I think we women can be on ourselves too much sometimes. What makes us think we are beyond bringing our best to the table???

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