BLAM FAM What’s Your Opinion: He Cheated She’s Pregnant What Should I Do?
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Hello, how are ya’ll doing? I’m okay but have an issue that I would like some guidance on. I’m a 26 year old newlywed married for 15 months and my husband who is 25 also, has been having an affair for over a year (at least that I know of). Come to find out he also has the person pregnant. He didn’t tell me until she was 4 months pregnant. And that’s only because I found evidence that he was still cheating. This isn’t the first time that this has happened in our 8 year relationship (we dated for almost 7 years before getting married in 09). When we were together about 3 years he cheated on me then also and got another woman pregnant. It was very shocking because at that time I didn’t know that he had ever cheated on me. I at that time thought we were on the same page. He was taking care of that child for some months but the mother of that child wanted him to leave me for her and he told her he wasn’t going to so she took the baby and skipped town. The reason I stayed with him is because I thought he changed. We were happy again and I was starting to feel whole. I was beginning to trust him again and now this. We don’t have any children together and I have PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) which causes me to not ovulate regularly so I feel already like less of a woman for that reason and then to have my now husband do this again hurts beyond anything. I feel like if I stay with him we may never get pass this, this time because he is going to be a father again with another woman who wants to be with him and eventually he will get another person or her pregnant, or he may leave me for the woman with his child. He says he has told her that he wants me but I don’t know if I still love him because he thinks I can really can get over this again or because I feel obligated as his wife to stand by him or because he’s the only man I have loved. Also he hasn’t introduced me to this woman and she is I think like 8 months. I feel like something is still going on between them and he is using me because he doesn’t want to start over with someone else. I don’t know what to do.
BLAM FAM….What’s your opinion?
He has shown you time and time again that he does not value you as an individual worth respecting- his wife. You are far worth more as a woman to keep being disrespected. I hope you find your prince charming because this man is not ready for a woman like you.
My heart aches for u. I was misled by a married man whom claimed he wasn’t, he wanted just 1 female to have his back & be true to him. He was my everything & upon finding out I was carrying his child was about the same time I found out not only that he is married but his wife was pregnant too. My daughter is a secret & she will never know her siblings because he won’t be honest with his wife that he has another daughter. I have so much guilt inside & very disappointed with myself that I allowed myself to get into a situation this bad. My intentions for him to be honest with her is not because I want him to leave her but to respect her as his wife & own the fact that he did cheat. What makes this worse is my ex husband cheated on me multiple times & i eventually made the decision to leave him because there was always another woman no matter how hard I tried to make things work. I’ve now been on both ends & I think this side is worse. No one can tell u what decision to make. I hope that u do seek counseling because no matter what u will want healing & peace within yourself & to be able to forgive him whether u choose to leave or stay.
There is never an excuse for cheating! A person cheats because they are a CHEATER. My advise to you would be to leave the relationship. You deserve better and there is better out there for you.
Its hard to give advice if you have never walked in thise shoes. However, it is my opinion to walk away. It is one thing to live with the affair but it is something else to now have deal with the other woman and the baby for the rest of your natural life. Even after 18 Years there will be college, yourthe weddings, grand children. This is a life commitment and you must decide if you are willing to deal with his indiscretions for a lifetime. I personally could not do it, but again those aren’t my shoes to walk in.
The fact of the matter is alot of married men cheat & have children out of wedlock. By the same token alot of married women cheat also & have kids that they say is their husbands. It's been going on since the beginning of time, most times the wife/husband doesn't find out until yrs. later so be thankful you found out early on. Just pray that GOD will lead you in the right direction – it's easy 2 say leave him but when u truly luv sum1 it's not that cut & dry. If he's not ready 2 get some professional help or counseling together then you seek some on your own. Maybe an objective viewpoint will shed light on this touchy situation that you haven't yet considered. The problem I think is we as a society don't have the level of respect for the sanctity of matrimony – if you really think about it the statistics are proof positive – a whopping 60% of marriages fail. Only time will tell if this is meant to be or not so my prayer for you is to find peace amid all the confusion by immersing yourself in the WORD of GOD, take care!
i understand totally what you are going through. my husband of seven year also had a child before we got married with another women. bout a 9 months ago i found out that he had a two year old. i was very heartbroken. it was with a women i had seen at his mom house a couple of times and at other family gatherings. i was more disapointed that it was her and that he and the baby momma with through this together. when i found out i relocated and moved with family, but i miss him so much and i am very lonely. i have a friend which only makes things worse because he has a woman. this only helps because i see what the other woman was getting-a little money and a lot of sex, no quality time. i wish i never left him because we did so much together and dont feel like no one will treat me like my husband even though he cheated. my advice is not to make and sudden moves, give yourself time to think about what you need to do, evalute you relationship thoroughly(the good and the bad), and really think before you make any kind of big move and be sure of what you want to do. whichever way you go it will be very hard but stay focus and pray,pray,pray, knowbody know what you go through or how you feel but you
First have a talk with him,so you can understand,what took him there?…it's alway to sides to anything,give him a chance to explain for your sake… so, after it want be know "what if"…then forgive him for his foolish behavior…and forgive yourself for hathing him…and move on.
An affair is not the worst thing that a man can do. But when the proof is constantly in your face, that's a horse of a different color. It's all about an understanding between the couple. There are many instances where men/women have been observed and the question comes up "How can she/he put up with that?" but it's up to the couple to examine whether or not the have the kind of love and strength and commitment to get through such a heavy dilemma. If they can come to an understanding to either stay or leave after they have thoroughly examined the situation then a decision can be made. I must also say that women have gotten pregnant by other men as well. Mistrust and possible spread of disease is a bad combination.
As a woman who was impregnanted by a man that claim he was not in a relationship, 9months later his GF choose to stay with him she 1st denied everything, she asked for a DNA only to find out my kid is his child!
She cannot have kids and she does not allow him to be apart of the childs life – I’m not bitter nor angry but he stills visits his kid and takes care of his child – and everytime he visits he wants to make baby #2 he only stood with his GF because he figures to stick to what he knows and he will continue to disrespect her. I won’t give him baby #2 but someone else is and she will be aangry and bitter and still stay with him
With this being said, your married and she wasn’t its a difference when you marry someone and your disrepected but stay in your relationship try to get some counseling but do believe that he might not change sometimes when a person see how they can disrespect you and you take it they will do it again and again.
Sorry ! I hope you work it out and always put yourself 1st
When someone is unfaithful, married or not, this is a very strong message. They are saying something not only to you but themselves. Some people make the mistake of thinking its up to them to stay and take the cheater back but in reality, when it comes to that they hold all the cards. You sumply have to decide if you are strong enough to hear the message and accept a future of doubt and mistrust or strong enough to accept that the person you love does not love you back. This does not always mean you have to give
up or compromise. Relationships are not a one size fits all so it will take the two of you, and sometimes the three, to come to a decision. But remember unless you are into polygomy, someone is gonna be hurt and all fingers should point to the cheater not each other. Good luck
I have to agree with Angi. I was in a similar situation when I was married and I chose to stay. The woman, unfortunately, lost the baby. Only you know what you can and can't deal with. The WORSE thing you can do is not be honest with yourself. How do you feel about it? If you stay with him, can you handle everything that comes with it? It's a tough choice, but decide what's best for you and do exactly that. Don't be influenced by what others say. What do YOU say? and whatever you decide, stick with it, then forgive all the people involved, then forgive yourself, put your head up and step into a better future. Good luck.
Wow..we can all say leave are u crazy..but the truth is no one can tell u what to do..u have to make the best decision for u…u need lots of alone time to think..u need time to heal..and dnt take the advice of single homegirls..thats not the best way to go
Let me add that what God has for you is yours. No matter when you get it. I too have pcos and have three beautiful sons. God made you a woman and no one can take away your value. But bringing your own child into this situation will only make things worse. Rebuild your broken foundation.
*please excuse the typos. Using swype. 🙂
Bravo Mr. Wiggins. I applaud you. Let me elaborate more. My husband and I remain separated now after three years. He does not call my sons nor does he see them. They are between 1&5. Inexcusable. It is my desire to be the best mother and support for my children. 2 are in counseling sure to the absence of their father who was an ideal husband and father. I hope and pray that this young lady 8am find peace and solitude in the Lord. And also faith in knowing it is not her battle. The bible says we will suffer long. Just seek Him for refuge during the storm. I been thru hell & highwater and I am still standing. This is the best time of our lives. Amen
What I know is this, you need distance, time, perspective, and a good spiritually mature accountability partner for you to confide in while you process the ups and downs of your feelings and emotions. If you try to process those emotions with your husband around, he won't understand how you can be 65% today and the 25% tomorrow. Trust me, whatever you said yesterday will become law for how you "should" feel today and thereafter. You need time way. And after you get some time away, then you will be able to answer the question, "What should I do?"
This was lengthy, but I hope you found it insightful, if not helpful.
Both of these ladies were on point. I agree with everything both of them said. As a man, I'm conflicted to even respond to such an emotionally wrenching situation. I don't even claim to know how you're feeling or how emotionally draining this is. Nevertheless, my wife and I work with couples and their marriages and I would be remiss if I did not give you so objective wisdom – even though I know emotional decisions trump wise decisions most of the time.
Let me first say that I am against divorce. I have worked with a couple where the roles were reverse…she was in a long term relationship and didn't want to stop cheating. I worked with both of them and they got back together for a while but then broke up (for some other issues not related to the cheating). With them, my message was to, with the Lord's help, work it out and stay together. (continued…)
Regarding your marriage: your situation is not un-overcomeable. Couples have gone thru worse and stayed married for decades later. I know a couple where this happen and the wife didn't find out until he brought the 4 yr old son home because the baby mama couldn't take care of him anymore. The wife basically raised him like he was her son..and they already had three kids. He's 19 now. They're still married.
The bible (Moses and Jesus) says the reason why people get divorce is because of hardened hearts. Basically, you can't get over what he did – thus you can't forgive and keep it movin'. And who could blame you. He violated on the worst level. But the main question you have to ask yourself, in addition to the personal assessment question the previous person posted, is can you forgive him and with professional help (I recuse my business so you won't think I'm trying to get a client) move on. (contiuned…)
Let me answer the question for you. "You don't know." Look, right now, you are to close to the situation, you're too hurt, angry, mad, embarrassed, etc… to be able to make that kind of a decision. Therefore, this is what I recommend. File for legal separation and leave.
Now peep this…don't think of this legal separation like you are not leaving him, but rather you are, in fact, rescuing yourself. This is a position of power. A position of weakness is the notion that his actions can run you off from your marriage…like you don't have a say in whether you want to stay and work it out or if you want to leave him for good. On the contrary, this power move is, in effect, saying "I AM going to take some time and figure out for myself what I want to do…in my own time with you trying to frame or shape how I should feel, what I should think, and why I should get over this so we can "move on". (continued)
Only you and God can make you whole. Our situations are identical. Difference is my husband and I had 3 of our own and he already had 4 I was helping him raise. He now has 14 (approx). Go figure. I believe there are 11 different mothers. Your husband has no respect for the sanctity of marriage. If you go to a church seek guidance, but only God’s word can truly guide you now. Separate via a counselor for at least a season. There has to be underlying issues that are bigger than you. In the meantime you seek God. Lay out ask that is on your heart because this can make you or break you. With proper handling this can make you stronger. May God bless u and keep u.
Hi my heart goes out to you because I can relate to giving my all to a man who doesn't give his all in return. I too was married to a man who had myself & another woman pregnant at the same time. It was the most hurtful & not to mention embarrasing experience of my life. I prayed & I cried and overall had no idea which direction I was heading in. I loved this man. He was my husband & I never wanted to be a statistic or worse than that..a single parent. I tried to make it work but could never accept that I was lied to as well as physically & mentally abused. I prayed & asked God to give me strength to walk away from a very unhealthy marriage. I didn't believe in divorce & never wanted to end something that I put so much time,energy, & effort in. I filed for divorce & Christ was all I had to lean on. I decided that I would love myself more & to never allow another person to give me anything less than I deserved. I asked the Lord to be everything that I needed him to be. I even asked Jesus to hold me whenever I got lonely. I decided that I would wait for God to send me a Christian man who loved the Lord more than himself because it was not my desire to grow old alone. When I least expected, God answered my prayers & I am remarried to a man that has never given me anything but unconditional love. If i had to endure all of the heartache & disappointments all over again to receive the blessings that I have now, I would do it all over. My advice to you is to love yourself enough to say I refuse to allow anyone to treat me less than the Queen I am. It's never easy to walk away from an investment of love put towards a marriage, but it is not God's desire for us to live unhappy. A person cannot do what we do not allow them to. You are a person that deserves nothing but the best so demand to be treated accordingly. "Failure is not fatal. It's the courage to continue that counts."
Wow. In matters of the heart–especially with women–we tend to throw caution to the wind and forge forward based on a feeling instead of wisdom and common sense. I know I've been there, done that…and I'm currently reaping the consequences of my poor decisions.
That said, the fact that you're still breathing is proof of another chance. Based on the information you presented, it would seem that your husband has no respect for you as a woman or as his wife. It is doubtful, based on your history, that he ever did.
At this point I would suggest not worrying about what he wants and how he feels. He's doing a great job of fulfilling his needs on his own. In my humble opinion, you need to be doing a self-inventory to assess your own needs and why you think you need to stay with a man who runs you through the ringer emotionally like that (not to mention the risk he puts you in by sleeping around).
Ultimately, the choice is yours, but please don't sell yourself short and settle for this kind of disrespect and endangerment.