Can You Forgive The Other Woman?
By Neysa Ellery Taylor
If you’ve been reading my work for awhile, you know that I keep it 100%. (If you are new to my posts, just put on a seatbelt, this one is a talker.) Here is the question I want to pose this morning: Is warning others about the misdeeds of a mistress spreading gossip or community service? (I told you it was a talker.)
Here is where this is coming from: If you know that someone has a history of dating married men, do you warn other wives about the behavior so that they can guard their home or do you remain silent? Before you answer let me share my train of thought…
Part-A of me says “Yes! Definitely warn other wives who may come in contact with this person about the mistress’s history of behavior. That is your duty to other wives. Wives have to be united against all threats to marriage especially the jumpoff.”
But the other part (Part-B) of me says, “No. People change even people that you don’t like. And if God wipes your past clean then who are you to hold someone else’s past against them.”
But back to Part-A, “God forgives and I am not God. It’s hard to forgive someone who doesn’t think they did anything wrong and still holds baseless grudges against you.”
Part-B comes back with “Forgiveness is not for others, it’s for you. It is necessary to your growth. You can’t ask God to bless you while harboring unforgiveness against others.”
So, there lies my answer. You really can’t argue with God, right?
Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at www.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com
I am going to be honest, reading this sounds like it was written by someone who may know the "right" thing to do but in reality, these views would be 100% out the window. To speak from my own point of view, It would be very hard to accept a woman who has a history of dating married men. I could never have a sisterhood with a woman who does such a thing. I would not treat her mean but I would never trust such a woman. It is one thing if this woman dated a man who she did not know was married, but it is a whole other ball game when she knows full well that the man she is dealing with is married. I will not lie, I would warn my close friends if I know a woman is nasty enough to do such a thing. Forgiveness doesn't mean be a fool. I would always have one eye open. #Just-Keeping-It-Real
Hmmm. It takes so much work getting through infidelity that telling other women about it may happen. Once you get to the place of forgiving, him, her & yourself, make sure that you don't beat up yourself any further by worrying about her reputation. She hasn't put that much energy into it, so why should you? If you told someone that she and your husband hurt you and your family, oh well, you did. If they judge her based on your info, oh well, they did. The most important thing is making sure that you take care of yourself and get yourself in a place of wellness.
My recent post Aptitude for Love vs Attitude Toward Love!
This is much easier said than done.
Telling the wives is not going to do a thing. If the husband is determined to cheat…he will. If it is not with the one that slept with you man it might be the his neighbors wife.The old cliche' it takes two to tango stands true. He didn't do it on his own. No matter what she said to him, he made the decision to cheat. And all cheater, men and women alike, do not always tell the other of a spouse.
We ALL interpret situations through our own lenses. These lenses operate below conscious awareness, making it seem that our own view is simply the way it is. The lens displays the reality of one, but that is not the big picture. While a wife may harbor a grudge at a mistress for having a relationship with her husband, the mistress may feel that she owes the wife nothing at all. So while the wife is continually stirred at the apology she never received (and never will), the mistress has moved on. As a wife, why then should your blessing be blocked because you are holding onto the past? After all, the mistress is a non-factor, right? If you have forgiven your husband, then let it go for you and your household.
If it later comes to pass that a true threat is near someone else's household… then by all means, put her on blast (and him, too). Be sure you have accurate information and evidence before you bring it up. And be prepared to answer all the questions she may have since you put yourself in this position. Just make sure that you are doing it to really help someone else and not to make yourself feel better about infractions that have occurred within your own home.
So well said Maria. I couldn't have said it better if i tried.
One can forgive and if deemed necessary, alert others . . . I don't view them as mutually exclusive . . . I've seen situations where others were not warned and another situation came to life. The wife's question was 'why didn't anyone tell me?"
I am speaking from the standpoint of a woman who is flesh and blood. Religion aside, I am a mature person who tries to always make sure that I am the "bigger person" in all situations, yet, I take purposeful attacks against my family (and therefore my life) personally.
I am not a "billboard" bu nature. I don't go around making scenes. This is not going to be the main topic in my arsenal but I am not going to shy away from it either. I WOULD inform other wives of what this woman had/has done and therefore they will know what she is capable of and has a proven track record & reputation of doing.
I will leave it up to them to figure out if a "zebra" can change its stripes.
To be honest as a Christian and an UNmarried woman. I desire to have an adultery free relationship. My answer would be this: If I have the opportunity to observe the person I would maybe check out the situation. I understand that people can change and do change… and because of that i may remain silent.
But lets say I observe this woman getting too close to someone's husband repeatedly. All in his personal space, making physical contact in an inappropriate way, etc. I would pull the wife to the side and say you know… I don't want to put anyone on front street but I know for certain that this lady has had problems in the past with sleeping with married men. I would suggest you keep an eye out.
I would NOT start off that conversation in a gossipy way. Saying, something like "Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl…" to me that is messy and breeds ill feelings immediately. Nor would I tell a stranger. I would only be interested in letting someone know who I knew could be mature about what I had to tell them. But it is a very touchy situation and you have to be careful on how you decide to approach it.
Biblical definition of forgiveness includes the condition that the one receiving the forgiveness is repentant. Repentance requires a change in your actions. It’s about accountability. She would not only need to ask for God’s forgiveness, but mine.