By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

Ever feel like your conversations with your partner get lost in translation? Or that a seemingly harmless comment sparks a spat? When the two of you communicate you may be unwittingly reinforcing a negative cycle of misunderstanding, bitterness and resentment, according to psychologist and couples specialist Robert Solley, Ph.D.

All couples can become disconnected. But “couples in trouble tend to fall into two camps: high-conflict and conflict-avoidant,” Solley said. “Both are disconnected in different ways.”

High-conflict couples typically attack each other with “criticism [and] commanding, sarcastic comments.” Similarly, conflict-avoidant couples also may go on the offensive but then withdraw, or they may withdraw all the time.

“Withdrawal isn’t bad in itself,” Solley said. He defined potentially problematic withdrawal as “anything that doesn’t reciprocate a bid for attention and connection.” For instance, in benign withdrawal, partner A may say that instead of talking with their partner, they’d rather listen to music because they’re exhausted, and partner B doesn’t mind. Withdrawal essentially becomes destructive when partners are on a different page. In other words, one partner wants to connect while the other retreats, he said. Over time, the partner who yearns for connection gets more intense in their pleas “to bring the other person in or let them know how distressed they are.” And this kicks off or continues a damaging cycle.

There are other cycles, too, and couples show a variety of disconnected patterns, Solley said. For example, both partners may be withdrawers. Conflict rarely arises because both take painstaking measures to circumvent potential disagreements and not push the other partner. These couples, Solley said, often feel less like romantic partners and more like roommates.

A Disconnected Dialogue

Solley provided an example of how a harmful pattern can play out in a conversation between couples. Again, he underscored that disconnected conversations can take many forms and “occur in different combinations” and that this example is simply a slice of a multi-layered pie.

Say your husband’s lead foot is making you uncomfortable. So you yell out: “Slow down! You’re driving like a maniac.”

“No, I’m not! It’s just that you drive ridiculously slow,” he says.

Frustrated, you put your headphones on and give him the silent treatment for the rest of the ride (or day!).

That might be the end of the conversation but it’s possibly the beginning of conflict or sour feelings.

So what just happened?

This basic example actually illustrates how insidious patterns can start and get perpetuated. Conversations between couples are incredibly complex where many things—many of which are unspoken—occur simultaneously, Solley said. This disconnected dialogue exhibits the following pattern:

criticism > defensiveness (or counterattack) > withdrawal

When you dig deeper, it’s easier to see the underlying emotions and concerns that emerge. For instance, as Solley said, the reason for your yelling may be that you’re scared for your safety. But all your husband hears is criticism and that you distrust his driving. In turn, he reacts defensively. Then you feel hurt because in your mind he’s dismissed you and doesn’t care about your concerns. This may make you feel deeply disconnected from each other, especially as the same cycles get repeated over time.

By Julie Ober Allen & Henry Gaines

Food fight or romantic dinner?

Married men will eat their peas to keep the peace, but many of them aren’t happy about it, and will probably even binge on unhealthy foods away from home.

“The key to married men adopting a healthier diet is for couples to discuss and negotiate the new, healthier menu changes as a team,” said Derek Griffith, assistant professor at the University of Michigan School of Public Health.

This may seem obvious, but most of the time it doesn’t happen, according to a new study called “‘She looks out for the meals, period.’ African-American men’s perceptions of how their wives influence their eating behavior and dietary health.”

Focus groups were conducted with 83 African-American men. The majority of men said their wives didn’t consult with them when helping to adopt a healthier diet. Even though the healthier diet was often ordered by a doctor, the husbands often did not like the food changes, but to avoid conflict, they didn’t object.  Men focused more on maintaining a happy home than having a say in what they ate.

“In fact, the only examples found of couples negotiating healthy food choices came about to benefit the children in the home,” Griffith said.

The study found, without that communication, the good intentions and healthy diet changes often backfired. After tasteless ground turkey for the fifth night in a row, some men would head to the all-you-can-eat buffet for “a landslide of food.”

“I think at dinner a lot of men are eating healthier, but they compensate for the dissatisfaction of not eating what they want by making unhealthier choices outside the home,” Griffith said.

Doctors can help by recognizing wives play a crucial role in what men eat at home.

“Doctors could suggest that men have a tactful conversation with their wives in a way that ensures the husbands aren’t sleeping on the couch that night,” Griffith said.

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By Maurice Tate

I would like you to think back to your childhood. How often did you get appreciation from your parents? Or did you come from a family where criticism and even putdowns was the norm.

I have found that my early childhood has set up patterns of behaviour that I carried out in later life. I do not remember much praise at all in my early years. If you came from a very critical family, this behaviour is very familiar to you. Generally you will choose a critical partner as this is what you feel comfortable with! I personally married a very critical partner. And the relationship did have a lot of criticism and not much appreciation at all. In my new relationship I actually use praise everyday.

We want something from your lover and we feel entitled to having this. When we don’t get what we want we complain about it and we criticise our partner. Mostly the criticism drives our partner away or they give in and feel powerless. This cycle continues and eventually this can cause the couple to separate.

The cycle of praise goes something like this. We first make a commitment to use appreciation every day. During the day we actively look for things to appreciate about our partner. These can be about anything at all. We speak our appreciation to our partner and this actually cause us to see more things to appreciate.

When you are actively looking for the good in your partner you will see lots of things you love.

In fact I have found that in this act of appreciation my heart opens to my partner. And the great thing is that the person being appreciated feels love in turn.

As this way of praise in not learned in most families it can take some work to change energetic habits. What I do is write some sticky notes about appreciation and place them in places I see every day.

I suggest to my clients in my private practice to make a commitment in front of each other to praise each other at least 5 times a day from their hearts.

Generally women like men to be descriptive in their praise.

For example: I like that dress, compared to…

When you wear that dress I feel a warmth grow in my heart and I want to just hug you and melt into you.

Men generally just want short acts of appreciation like you are a great lover etc.

The next step is to eliminate blame in your relationship. You are responsible for your own feelings and emotions. What I do when my partner does something I find difficult is to express what I am feeling about that behaviour instead of blame.

I hope you try to bring more praise in your relationships with your partner, kids , friends and even at work. There is a lot of power in acts of appreciation.

Maurice Tate is a qualified sexologist trained at the Advanced Institute of Sexology. His Site http://www.bodyecstatic.com has heaps of tips to improve your sex life.