By Skye Thomas

When you’re searching for your Mr. Right, I want you to pay close attention to his laugh. It may seem odd for me to say that, but you can tell a lot about a man by his laugh. Real laughter is uncontrollable. For just a moment something strikes us as funny and the sound of laughter pours forth spontaneously and without any real control on our part. It bubbles up and gives away the secret part of us that thinks the event or situation presented is funny. Laughter can be faked, but that’s part of what I want you to analyze when you’re listening to his laughter.

First of all is his laughter real or fake? You can always tell when someone has one of those completely goofy laughs that nobody in their right mind would choose to have — those silly sounding laughs that cause everyone else to laugh too. You’ve also heard those completely fake laughs that sound like a bad actor in a Dudley DoRight play! Most people have fairly normal sounding laughs and they are spontaneous. If the guy you’re interested in fakes his laugh occasionally to laugh at a small child’s attempt to tell a joke, that’s okay. But, if he fakes his laugh on a regular basis, I would seriously question his overall ability to present his authentic self to the world. You may or may not feel like analyzing why he’s faking it, but it’s important to note if he’s presenting a false joviality to the world on a regular basis.

Does he laugh easily? I’ve met a few men who had serious anger and violence issues. They don’t laugh easily. Also, guys going through depression and other darker emotions obviously aren’t going to laugh as easily as someone who’s naturally happy and at peace with his life. The brooding silent type may seem sexy for awhile, but in the long run, you’re going to want to have some lightness and fun in your life too. It gets to be a real bore to hang out with someone who’s always incredibly serious and entertaining darker thoughts.

Does he laugh at people or with people? Nobody likes to be made fun of, but this has more to do with what your man finds as funny. Does he find humor in ridiculing others? Does he laugh at others because everyone is incredibly foolish or stupid in his eyes? Is he constantly critiquing people looking for a reason to laugh at them? It doesn’t matter how witty or funny his presentation, it’s not a good sign if your man takes his personal pleasure in laughing at others. You also don’t want someone who constantly makes himself the butt of all jokes either. I’ve always found an underlying self esteem issue when people spend a lot of time making fun of themselves. That’s not the same as being able to laugh at ones mistakes on occasion. I’m talking about habitually devaluing one’s self. Also, is he able to find joy in someone else’s jokes? You don’t want someone who only laughs at his own jokes and nobody else’s.

Does the sound of his laughter fill you with joy? Listen to the actual sound of his laughter. Does the sound make your heart go pitter patter? It doesn’t matter if he sounds like thunder on a summer day or if he giggles like a little girl! What matters is that his laughter is infectious and makes your heart lighten. Imagine coming home from a really bad day at work. Upon entering the house, you hear his laughter coming from the kitchen. Does that sound lift your spirits? Or infuriate you even more? You want to be with someone who’s laughter makes your heart sing. Laughter is the best medicine and you want to chose a man who’s laughter heals your weary mind.

Do you laugh at the same things? Yes, you want to be your own person with your own interests and your own unique sense of self, but you also want to share good times with your partner. You need to pick someone who has a similar sense of humor to your own. There’s nothing worse then having your partner roll their eyes like you’re so uncool every time you burst out laughing. What determines a person’s sense of humor is wide and varied, including upbringing and level of education. If you share the same overall sense of humor, chances are that you are fairly compatible in those areas. You’re somewhat on the same wave length.

Do you laugh at the same time? You want to pretty much agree on when is the proper time and place for goofing around and making each other laugh. If he likes to crack jokes and laugh a lot during foreplay and you find it to be a total turn off, then you’re going to have problems. If he keeps laughing at your girlfriends when you’re trying to have a serious conversation, then you’re not going to get along so well. This also works in the other direction. If you’re the one who is constantly laughing and joking and he’s the one getting upset that your timing is inappropriate, then you’re not going to like hanging out with a fuddy duddy. Compatibility shows itself in little things like timing.

If you’ve already got a guy and you’re considering spending the rest of your life with him, start watching his laughter. Decide if the things you see are what you want in a lifetime companion. If you don’t have a man, imagine sitting at the kitchen table over coffee and hearing his laughter at something witty you’ve just said. How would it sound? How would it feel to be in his presence when he was laughing? Look for a man who’s laughter heals you rather than grates on your nerves. And make sure you both laugh together and often. It’ll get you both through the tough times.

Skye Thomas is the CEO of Tomorrow’s Edge, an Internet leader in inspiring leaps of faith. She became a writer in 1999 after twenty years of studying spirituality, metaphysics, astrology, personal growth, motivation, soulmates, and parenting. Her books and articles have inspired people of all ages and faiths to recommit themselves to the pursuit of happiness. After years of high heels and business clothes, she is currently enjoying working from home in her pajamas. To read more of her articles, sign up to receive her free weekly newsletter, and get free previews of her books go tohttp://www.TomorrowsEdge.net. 

By Jen Anderson

I come by my hot temper honestly. In more than 40 years of marriage, my parents have honed their arguing skills so well they could win an Olympic gold medal in couples bickering. Growing up, I was surprised that the neighbors didn’t interrupt their loud arguments to send them to neutral corners.

So it’s no surprise that peaceful solutions to disagreements don’t come naturally to me. In my twenties, when I got angry with a boyfriend, I’d slam down the phone, or storm out. This led to me stomping past the Eiffel Tower, followed by a beau begging me to stop and listen to him—a scene straight out of a perfume commercial. But mostly I just ended up with a relationship tromped to death before it ever stood a chance.

In my thirties, yoga mellowed me a bit, but once I moved in with my future husband, flashes of hostility kept sneaking up on me. I could tolerate the irritating sword-on-sword noise of his beloved samurai movies, but Mike kept doing things wrong. Of course, by “wrong” I mean, “not exactly the way I would do it.” As a software systems analyst, it was my job to find the best way to perform all sorts of tasks, and I didn’t turn off that skill when it came to housework. I’d read articles about women who scare their husbands away from cooking and cleaning with their nagging perfectionism, but I was sure I wasn’t one of them. I was a professional problem solver. It was maddening that my man didn’t immediately pick up my methods. And I never nagged. Just loudly expressed my frustration with him.

But Mike is a mild-mannered Midwesterner, even after years of living in New York. When I yelled, he’d pause, consider my point and agree with me. It was no fun fighting with someone who wouldn’t shout back. I pleaded with him to argue with me just so we could experience makeup sex. He promised to try but never managed to raise his voice.

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By Margaret, Paul Ph.D.

When partners are having problems, they often say that the problem is communication. What exactly does this mean? What are they trying to communicate?

There are various reasons for communicating:

1. Sometimes we communicate to offer information about ourselves, such as, “I’m going out for a walk,” or “The dinner reservations are for 7:00.”

2. Sometimes we communicate to ask for help with tasks, such as, “I need to move the couch to clean under it and I can’t lift it. Would you help me?”

3. Sometimes we communicate to learn something about the other person, such as “Please help me to understand why you are feeling upset with me. I care about you and I really want to understand.”

4. Sometimes we communicate to ask for help regarding ourselves, such as, “I’m feeling very anxious and I don’t know why. Would you talk with me for awhile? Maybe if I talk about it I will understand it.”

For the most part, these forms of communication do not cause problems, unless there is an ulterior motive. An ulterior occurs when the intention of the communication is to have some control over the other person. When the intent of the above communications is to offer information, ask for help, or to learn, then there will likely not be problems. But these same communications can be spoken with an intent to control. The intent to control will be communicated through a harsh or judgmental tone of voice and through a hard, closed energy.

For example, “I’m going from a walk!” said with anger, has behind it an intent to control the other person through punishment. The real communication is “You have behaved in a way that is unacceptable to me so I am punishing you by withdrawing from you.” “The dinner reservations are for 7:00,” can be said in a tone that says, “…and you better be there.”

Asking for help in moving the couch can be either a request or a demand, depending upon the intent. A request can be answered, “Sorry, I’m really busy right now. I will help you later,” without repercussions. When the same thing is said as a demand, the other person is not allowed to say no without negative consequences.

You can ask someone why he or she is upset with you from a true desire to learn, or from an intent to control. When your intent is to control, you will likely argue with whatever the person says, trying to talk him or her out of the upset.

When you are upset, you can ask for help because you really do want to learn and take responsibility for your feelings, or because you want the other person to fix you, to take care of you, to rescue you. People often want to communicate their feelings to get the other person to change, rather than to learn and take responsibility for their feelings.

Problems with communication will always occur when the intent is to control. So when clients of mine say, “We can’t communicate,” I immediately know that one or both of them are coming from an intent to control in their communications. They are intent on trying to get the other person to change.

The intent to control often creates power struggles in relationships. While most people certainly want to be in control, they do not want to be controlled. So when one person is coming from the intent to control, the other person may respond with resistance. Power struggles result when one person behaves in a controlling way and the other person resists being controlled.

When one person is intent on controlling and the other gives in to keep the peace, it may seem like the relationship is working. However, the compliant person is often covertly angry and may resist in an other area, such as sexually. When you give yourself up to avoid conflict, you generally resent the person you give yourself up to, which doesn’t create the emotional intimacy necessary to feel sexually intimate.

Next time you want to communicate with your partner, ask yourself, “Why do I want to communicate?” If you discover that you are wanting to get the other person to change, consider doing your own inner work instead – deciding how to take care of yourself instead of trying to get your partner to change. You might discover that you get a far better result!