Tried This. Tried That. Tried Prayer?

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By Lana Moline

There are a few things in my life that keep me on my knees. I’ve accepted the fact that I just don’t have the power to fix it or even navigate through it without help for that matter. Those areas are my “prayer things.” Prayer things are matters in life that we don’t have any dominion over and no matter what we do or how hard we try, we are incapable of conquering it alone. Just saying those words evokes a funny feeling because on one hand it shows how far I’ve come and on the other it shows how powerless I truly am as a human. The prayer things are also the things I used to get so upset about but the wonderful thing about having prayer things is that prayer really does work. So the quicker we yield those areas to the power of God, the more at peace we will be.

Growing up I had an idealistic view of the world as did many others. I looked at the world in terms of right and wrong and while I still have that tendency, I recognize that right and wrong exists congruently all the time. For instance, we’ve heard the saying “hurting people hurt people” or even read a police report of theft due to poverty. I can’t quite resolve that to a matter of right and wrong but of circumstance. Furthermore, I thought that fixing the issue would solve the problem until I grew up and saw that everything is a choice.

True enough, we face daily challenges, yet most of us wake up every day and try to do something while others succumb to those challenges. Life is much like that funny Facebook relationship status, it’s “complicated” and the sad reality is that contrary to the widespread belief that cancer is the #1 killer, untapped potential is an even worst epidemic and is a direct result of improper labeling of your prayer thing.

Once it’s moved out of the way, there isn’t anything that you can’t accomplish by grace. You don’t want to look back and see that this one time, you really did hold the key to it all.

Lana Moline is an integral part of the Blackloveandmarriage.com writing team, freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her at Lana Moline Speaks.

4 Steps To Making Up When You Mess Up

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By Robert Taibbi, LCSW

Jake and Molly were off and running within five minutes—something small—the laundry, dirty dishes in the sink, maybe something about a diaper—but somehow it turned into World War III—who did what, who always did, whose mother was right. It was ugly. Jake wound up sleeping on the couch; Molly locked herself in the bedroom.

After a sleepless night, they both bumped into each other the next morning in the kitchen. “Sorry about last night,” said Molly timidly. “Me too,” Jake responded. Standing. Silence. “Hug?” one of them said. “Sure,” said the other, and they did, albeit a bit stiffly. “We’re good?” said one rather limply. “Sure, we’re good.” Done.

Arguments happen, even occasionally bad, ugly ones. The real challenge comes in knowing how to mop up. Jake and Molly’s way is fairly typical—quick and done—they want to put this behind them as quickly as possible. While this approach may be good for the heart (or gut perhaps), it’s lousy for thebrain. Sure, they feel better—their midnight fantasies of divorce (or taking out a contract hit) have died down—but they have made a major emotional faux pas. In the process of patching things up, they ignored the initial problem. Why? Because, understandably, they are afraid that bringing it up yet again will inevitably turn into another WWIII. Best to let it lie.

But as we somewhere in our rational brain know, unsolved problems don’t go away; we just learn how to step around them. Some seasoned couples get really good at such tiptoeing—they have hundreds of topics that off-limits. The only problem is that what they are left with is not much—the weather, the office gossip, how Tommy did in school. A low-grade tension always seems to be just below the surface.

The way out? Make up right. Here are the steps:

1. Cool down. When things get crazy, someone has to step up and be a sane adult. When emotion kicks up, prefrontal lobes—those bastions of rationality—shut down, and problem solving goes out the window. So the first thing to do is to go cool off as soon as you get heated up. Run away from the argument if you have to. Stop talking, lock yourself in the bathroom. Deep breathe, walk around the block…fast.

2. Apologize. Apologizing too is about being an adult. It is not about groveling, doing the mea culpa, taking the rap for the entire argument and problem (“I’m so, so sorry about the laundry”). It’s about acknowledging that whatever you did or said hurt the other (anger is usually about hurt). Period. Don’t apologize simply say as a way of getting the other to calm down, to pacify—”I’m so sorry”—hoping that the other person will feel better and be less angry—so you can feel better. Wait till you’re calm, till everybody’s prefrontal lobes are back online. Then say it and mean it.

3. Talk about the original problem. This is most important part. “I’d like to talk about last night,” says Molly the next day. If Jake is still upset, he says so but doesn’t brush Molly off—he offers another time: “I’m still upset and not sure what I think. How about we try and talk before dinner?” Resist the urge to back away and sweep it under the rug.

 CLICK HERE to read more.

 

Need To Get Some Negative Feelings Out? Write A Love Letter.

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By Aiyana Ma’at

One of the best things I’ve learned to do to get my feelings out (especially when I’m feeling a whole lot) when I’m upset with Ayize is this: Write A Love Letter. It may seem counterintuitive. I mean when you’re mad or disappointed who feels like writing a Love Letter, right? I certainly don’t…but it works so I do it anyway. So, just how does it work and what does it do? Well, it does 3 things.

#1 It helps me to release (and stop holding onto) all of the feelings I’m having.

If you’re anything like me you can hold a grudge like nobody’s business. When I’m mad…I’m not kinda mad. I’m UPSET and I can run through whatever happened, how wrong my husband is, and why i’m so upset a million times in my head…over and over. It’s not helpful and it sure ain’t healthy but it has become a habit (a bad one) and so to interrupt the vicious cycle of “I’m mad, I have a right to be mad, and let me tell you why” playing like a broken record in my head I write so that I can just put my feelings down on paper, get them out, and see them in front of me. There’s something about seeing your pain on paper that helps to bring perspective to whether or not a feeling is what I say it is or whether or not it goes deeper than that (meaning Ayize has kicked up something in me but the feeling really goes deeper than what he said or did.

#2 It allows my husband to really get into my heart and mind and understand my perception of the situation and where I’m coming from.

He usually can do that much easier when I write a Love Letter letter because he doesn’t have to deal with my tone of voice (which may not be the best and ultimately doesn’t help him understand me) or having to answer me right away. He can sit with what I’ve written for a little while so that he can give his best response instead of responding defensively or critically.

#3 It always and I mean always helps me to get beyond my anger and move to where and why I’m hurt.

It never fails I usually begin my letter with the feelings that are easier for me to identify: “I’m mad because…” I’m upset because…” but it’s not long before I begin to tap into the deeper places in my heart and my pen begins to write : ” I love you so much because…” or “I’m hurt because… ” or “I need you because…”

Plain and simple writing a Love Letter when you’re mad as hell is the way out of that hell of emotions and back into the love and peace that you really want and need. To find our loving feelings, many times we need to first feel all our negative feelings. Writing Love Letters automatically lessens the intensity of our negative feelings and allows us to more fully experience our positive feelings. Here are some guidelines for writing your Love Letter.

  • Address the letter to your partner. Pretend that he or she is listening to you with love and understanding.
  • Include all of the feelings you are feeling…anger, sadness, fear, regret, and then love.
  • After each section, pause and notice the next feeling coming up. Write about that feeling.
  • DO NOT stop your letter until you get to the love. Be patient and wait for the love to come out.
  • Sign your name at the end. Take a few minutes to think about what you need or want. Write it in a P.S. For example, P.S. I need to know that you still enjoy being my friend and being with me like when we first got together. I want to spend more time together starting with a date this weekend.

Nothing happens on accident. If you’re reading this then you very likely need to get to writing! 🙂 And, don’t forget to write until you get to the L-O-V-E! Stop Playing Start Pushing. 😉

Stop Stewing In Relationship Resentment

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By Team BLAM

How long are you gonna stew?  How long are you going to sit in this place of confusion and refuse to move out of this place that you know isn’t serving you?  It isn’t serving you as an individual.  It isn’t serving your growth.  It’s not serving your insight.  It ain’t serving your relationship.  It’s not serving the creator.  How long are you gonna stew?

Fed Up In Your Relationship? When Is Enough…ENOUGH?

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There are some folks who are in relationships that they have no business being in.  What began as a belief in the possibility of “Happily Ever After”, has unfortunately mutated into an existence of misery, despair, and hopelessness.  We’re here to tell you that just because your situation feels hopeless….YOU ARE NOT HELPLESS.  In this video we share 4 steps you’ve gotta take to get unstuck and restore wholeness in your life.

1O MUST HAVE Tips For Talking (And Actually Getting Somewhere) In Your Marriage

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By Team BLAM

Communicating effectively takes practice and a whole lot of effort. Without communication, it is nearly impossible to resolve conflicts or grow your relationship. Whether you are in a troubled marriage, simply seeing the value of a “tune-up”, or seeking marriage help, here are some useful tips for communicating effectively within a marriage.

~Realize that no one “wins” an argument. If you don’t leave a discussion with a possible solution to the problem, then neither party has been successful.

~Compromise is an essential tool to solving problems through communication. Before bringing up a problem, make sure you have thought of ways that you can help solve it by mutual compromise.

~Try to be positive when bringing up sensitive marital problems. Instead of jumping right into a discussion, open by acknowledging that every partnership could be improved and you’d like to take some time and discuss the things that are working in your relationship and the areas that could use improvement. It helps to start by talking about positive things and then moving into the deeper discussion on problem areas.

~ Be a “reflective” listener and make sure you understand what your partner has said. “What I hear you saying is…” is a great way to make sure the proper message has been received.

~Feel free to use the “time out” card if the discussion gets too intense. If an argument gets heated and irrational, it is better to postpone the discussion to a time and place where effective communication can happen.

~Make sure your body language, facial expressions and vocal tone are in line with your message. One study showed that 55% of the emotional meaning of what you say is expressed by your facial expression. While only 7% of the emotional meaning is verbal.

~Be honest, direct and focus on the real issue. If you enter a conversation insecure about making your point — you probably won’t make it.

~If you can’t come up with a definitive solution, at least try to end the conversation on a positive note like “I think it’s good we’ve both shared our feelings and we’ll continue to talk about it and try to come up with a better solution.”

~Don’t ever be rude or talk down to your partner in a discussion about your relationship. Don’t dismiss an idea or thought as absurd, but instead listen to your partner’s point and then react with the reasons you disagree in a respectful manner.

~Stay on track. If you sit down to talk about a financial problem and suddenly other emotional issues are coming up, realize that you may need to focus on one area at a time in order to create solutions instead of more arguing.

Last but not least, recognize when you need outside help to communicate effectively. Coaching, counseling, or classes may help solve what seems to be an impossible communication problem. We hope you truly utilize these tips. They really do work—when you use them. Stop Playing. Start Pushing.

Who Are You Talking To Like That? STOP Criticizing Your Spouse.

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By Irina Tveritina

No one likes for their faults to be displayed or called out in public. Your spouse is no different. Criticizing your spouse in public is a NO NO.

The reality is that there is not anything that justifies criticizing your partner in public. If a deed seems serious enough to need attention immediately it probably is of such a nature that it should be handled in private anyway.

Airing problems in public is the fastest road to take towards marriage destruction. Do not travel that road and if you are on it I highly suggest you take a detour immediately.

We are not talking about constructive criticism, we are talking about criticizing in a destructive manner. A word of caution is deserved here that any type of criticism should be carefully thought about before giving it in public. You want to allow your partner to save face at all costs.

Some partners say critical things to their marriage partner that they would have never thought about saying before marriage. I don’t believe the marriage license or even the marriage vows gave permission for one partner to embarrass the other in any way.

Some partners feel there spouse is a good sport and can take it! Shame on them for thinking that way! The partner is simply showing a forgiving spirit but over time they probably will build up resentment and bitterness for the crude treatment. Danger ahead signs are flashing loudly here.

Be careful not to always be pointing out the faults of your spouse. Remember everyone has faults and your faults don’t look smaller by pointing out your partner’s faults. In fact often times being critical just makes your faults appear bigger. Trust me on that.

Lift up your marriage by giving honor rather than criticism in public and it will have a lasting benefit that will serve you and your relationship for years to come.

Irina Tveritina has written for various publications on marriage and relationships.

4 Danger Signs That Will Derail Your Relationship

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There are a lot of things that can contribute to the success and downfall of your relationship. In this video we discuss four warning signs that if go unchecked can cripple a relationships progress and possibly lead to it’s end. Listen closely and learn what you want to avoid so that you can live happily ever after.

6 Signs Your Relationship Is In Trouble

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By Ruth Purple

It’s normal to have “ups and downs” in a romantic affair. But when the “down” part seizes most of your togetherness, then you have to assess: Is your relationship in trouble? One of the basic keys on how to save a relationship is being aware of it signs. Here are the signs of a troubled relationship.

1.  First is when you don’t have faith in each other anymore. Love can be developed and trust can be rebuilt. But when your faith in each other or in the relationship itself is gone, it will already be difficult to have a blissful union. You know it’s gone when you start to believe that everything within the relationship is only as good as it gets but you don’t like it.

2.  You lose hope in making the relationship grow thus you will be forever floating and stagnating. Not only that, you do not make an effort to correct things anymore. You just give up doing nothing about your failing affair. If you think that you are about to lose your faith in the relationship, it is best that you contemplate and ponder if everything is worth saving or not.

3.  Because we don’t lose something as important as faith for no apparent reason. Another sign of a troubled relationship is you can’t talk sensibly to your partner anymore. You notice that every time you have a conversation, you end up feeling disappointed, alone and empty, if not, arguing. The communication is almost none existent.

4.  You don’t know what’s going on with each other and you don’t care as long as he does his share in your relationship. You sometimes feel exhausted just being with your partner. The silence between both of you inside the car when driving to or from work seems unbearable that you can’t wait to get out.

When this happens, you have to break the silence and say things as it is. You have to let your partner know that you have pent-up issues within the relationship. Do not nest it inside you as it will make you a stranger to each other. When you become strangers to each other, you will find yourself arguing about trivial matters.

5.  Both of you are easily irritated. When people are together for a long time, it’s normal to develop a bit of disparity. Hence, arguing may not necessarily be a sign of a troubled relationship. However, you have to be aware of the reason/s of what you are arguing about. When arguing becomes a common scenario, it goes without saying that somehow you don’t look forward to be with your partner anymore, and it’s another sign of a troubled relationship.

6.  Why in the first place are you together when you can’t stand being with each other? Yes, enthusiasm can sometimes wane in a relationship, especially when you have been together for the longest time, but it recurs, it never permanently disappears. So always strive to retain that passion for each other.

It is essential if you want to have a meaningful affair. When enthusiasm disappears, domino effect happens. Intimacy ceases to exist and you find yourself longing to be with another person. These signs of a troubled relationship are for people who are unsure of their love life. If you are one of those people, I hope telling you these signs somehow helped you figure out if you’re treading on steady or rocky grounds.

You can read more from Ruth Purple at www.relazine.com

What Do You Do When Your House Is Divided Politically?

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By Debbie Manigat

Yea! The primary’s are over and election season is finally winding down. I can’t wait until November so I can vote and not have to endure cheesy political ads or another silent home visit with my family. I say silent because when it comes to politics, we are a house divided. My parents are republicans, I’m a democrat, and my husband is what I like to call “person-centered”. Meaning his political views consists of researching all sides and then picking the person that he feels is the best for the job, regardless of party (which in the end is what I truly think we all are).

 

Over the years, I believe we’ve come to learn that if we want to go on as a happy and loving family, then we need to not only choose our words wisely, but sometimes we need to just be quiet as well. Then again- every so often I like to spice things up by e-mailing or texting my parents a link to news articles or nonpartisan political fact checking groups, and alas the debate begins again!

 

I’m pretty sure we’ve all heard our share of less than favorable words from both sides. Yet, I wonder how many households are up in arms with a verbal smack-down over politics.

 

Take my own family and life experiences for example. As I’ve said above, I’m a democrat and my husband is “person-centered”, however I grew up in an old testament Christian, strict, and republican home. Each year growing up we supported the Republican Presidential nominee it seemed like with no questions asked. Signs went up on the front yard and bumper stickers plastered my parents’ cars. Moreover, I remember that there were three subjects that we never discussed, dare said in the home- abortion, gay marriage, and tax increases. In fact, today, my dad is still unapologetically republican while my mom spouts that she’s done with both sides and is not even sure if she’s an independent (lol- gotta love moms!).  

 

I really didn’t form a political view of my own until I went off to college. I attended the historic Howard University (the REAL HU!) in Washington, DC (the epicenter of politics) so you can imagine what a transformational experience that was for me. In fact, in some instances as I reflect, it was pure liberation.

 

I registered to vote and started to research political parties and politicians across the board. I had political debates with friends in the caf’ and attended numerous political informational rallies. Yet, I guess what really sealed the deal is when I was getting ready to graduate college during the 2008 presidential election, I remember predicting that the then Senator Barack Obama was going to be President (don’t believe me- just as Ray Baker and my former journalism professor Peggy Lewis).

 

It was a heated debate, all about the democratic nomination- Barack vs. Hillary. Then to add fuel to the already political fire storm brewing on campus, that weekend Dr. Michael Eric Dyson came to speak in chapel. If you are familiar with Dr. Dyson you already know his words are commanding and colorful. Needless to say- he too had a few choice words about the election of our first African American President and African Americans today. Finally, I remember having dinner with Rev. Marcia Dyson (Rev. Dr. Michael Eric Dyson’s wife), Jacqueline Jackson (Rev. Jessie Jackson’s wife) and my role model- the inspiring Iyanla Vanzant. It was an incredible experience that gave me more insight into the election process, but also gave me a chance to observe how we can sincerely make positive changes by coming together for what we believe in.

 

All in all, I found my political voice and now as a registered voter and mother of 2 under 2, being actively engaged in the political process is an amazing honor and privilege. Additionally, as a woman and an African American, having the right to vote is a responsibility that I don’t take lightly because I owe it to those who came before me who bled and died for me to have this right. Moreover, I hope to be a positive example for my kids and my community to be involved in the political process… who knows what their political journeys are going to be like. So in short, I encourage you all to spark a friendly debate about politics within your own family, quiz each other on what you know, challenge the myths, and be open to views unlike your own. Above all, register to vote if you have not already, educate yourself on all sides and don’t be afraid to support what matters the most to your household.

 

So BL&M family- how do you discuss politics with your family? Are you a house divided- Republicans vs. Democrats vs. Independents?

Debbie is a motivator. She loves to liberate people to live life in purpose. She is a proud graduate of the John H. Johnson School of Communications at Howard University, trained Marriage Mentor/ Counselor (SFACC), and certified Brazelton Touchpoints Parent Educator (CSC). Currently, she is fascinated by social neuroscience and narrative therapy and is studying to be a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Connect with her through her family owned lifestyle empowerment firm:

Website: www.dmempowers.com | Facebook: Divine Motivation| Twitter:@DM_Empowers