By Jesse Fox, Ph.D.

Although technologies are supposed to make our lives easier, they often bring complications as well—especially in our romantic relationships.

One major issue for modern couples is something I call techno-incompatibility. When a couple is techno-incompatible, they have different values, perceptions, or behaviors about the appropriate use of communication technologies. For example, a couple may disagree on whether it is appropriate to call or text to discuss a relationship issue, or they may have different ideas about what is appropriate to share about the relationship on a social networking site like Facebook. Tension or conflict may arise because of these differences in use and expectations.

Why are modern technologies problematic?

As relationships develop, we share time in mutually enjoyable pursuits. Media use can be one of those shared hobbies. A stereotypical date consists of dinner and a movie. A common ritual for couples is to find televised programming that both enjoy watching. Other couples connect in virtual worlds, playing video games together. Mobile phones are typically individualized, however, with one phone number expected to reach one user. In comparison to traditional media, the experience of using one’s phone is more like reading—a solitary activity—than watching television, which can be a group activity.

Thus, using a mobile device in the presence of our partners is taking what may be shared activity time and diverting it, even in short spurts, to solitary activity. We are interrupting “our time” with “me time,” and for some, these interruptions are frequent and persistent. Based on the context of the relationship and the level of understanding in the relationship, these interruptions may be problematic.

Indeed, a common complaint for first dates is that the date used his or her phone throughout the date. Most people interpret it as a sign that their date is not interested or just plain rude because they are spending the shared time mentally, if not physically, elsewhere. Although checking your phone or sending a quick text might seem like a mindless activity and one that barely detracts from your conversation, you may be sending inadvertent nonverbal messages to your romantic partner: my time with you is not valuable/special/interesting enough for me to put “me time” on hold.

These problems aren’t just for the newly dating, however. Most couples do not have explicit conversations to establish relational rules about technology use. Partners may observe each other to test the boundaries of what is acceptable use. For example, let’s say Rob and Jenna go out for dinner at a restaurant. Rob notices that as they sit down, Jenna takes out her phone and leaves it on the table. Rob interprets this as a sign that texting, taking calls, or checking the internet in the middle of the meal is an acceptable behavior. He, too, places his phone out on the table. After they order, he gets a text from a friend and starts a text conversation. Rob then goes on Facebook to check out his friend’s recently uploaded pictures. In the meantime, Jenna sits alone, increasingly irritated that Rob is spending their night out talking to someone else. Unbeknownst to Rob, Jenna had only set her phone out in case there was an emergency at her workplace. Rob scrolls away, oblivious, until the food arrives. Jenna fumes for the remainder of the meal and gives Rob the silent treatment for the rest of the evening.

A simple conversation could have averted this dinner disaster.

Establishing Relational Rules

The most effective way to combat techno-incompatibility is to discuss the issue with your partner and establish mutually agreed-upon rules for using technologies. Whether you’re newly dating or securely entrenched in your relationship, here are some guidelines for helping to manage techno-incompatibility.

Discuss when it is acceptable to be on the phone in your partner’s presence. Make a list of your common shared activities: eating a meal at home, eating a meal out at a restaurant, in the car, watching TV on the couch, watching the kids, at an event, in bed in the morning and the evening. Do you find it acceptable to be on the phone at these times? Is it healthy or productive for your relationship if you are using the phone at that time? If you disagree, determine an acceptable compromise (e.g., if it’s work-related; if it’s a casual dinner but not a nice one; in bed in the morning but not before going to sleep).

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From Elev8.com

Why do so many marriages fail?

Current statistics have shown that in the U.S. 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce.

Here are five reasons that marriages fail in year 5

# 1 Money & Household balance. The growing independence between genders is thought to be one of the reasons for the significant increase in the incidence of divorce. Women have become more financially independent and men have become increasingly more domestically independent. As these gender roles break down, each gender becomes more self-sufficient in both arenas. When one person is financially irresponsible the whole pie is askew. If your partner continues to squander, than your future is built on quicksand and the safety and security for a strong bond is frayed and will break. When one person in the house continuously does more than the other the bond will so strain as well.

#2  Rushing into marriage. The euphoria of being in love pushes many people to say I do. What they don’t realize is that saying that “I do” does not mean that person “does”. You will often hear couple who lived together and dated for years, get the “It’s about time to marry and rush into the actual marriage phase. Five years later, once the “honeymoon” phase is over you wake up next to a total stranger and realize that you have made a huge error in judgment. The moral of this is that true love can wait and if your relationship is meant to be, putting off the wedding won’t hurt it.

#3 Infidelity Cheating is another cause of marriage failure and there are many reasons why a spouse cheats. The number one reason why is because they are looking for something outside of the marriage that they do not have in the marriage. A lack of communication is often why a spouse strays. Although some spouses can forgive infidelity and move on, many marriages end in divorce. The other side is that emotional and sexually they are no longer thrilled by the newness

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By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

Boundaries are essential to healthy relationships and, really, a healthy life. Setting and sustaining boundaries is a skill. Unfortunately, it’s a skill that many of us don’t learn, according to psychologist and coach Dana Gionta, Ph.D. We might pick up pointers here and there from experience or through watching others. But for many of us, boundary-building is a relatively new concept and a challenging one.

Having healthy boundaries means “knowing and understanding what your limits are,” Dr. Gionta said.

Below, she offers insight into building better boundaries and maintaining them.

1. Name your limits.

You can’t set good boundaries if you’re unsure of where you stand. So identify your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits, Gionta said. Consider what you can tolerate and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. “Those feelings help us identify what our limits are.”

2. Tune into your feelings.

Gionta has observed two key feelings in others that are red flags or cues that we’re letting go of our boundaries: discomfort and resentment. She suggested thinking of these feelings on a continuum from one to 10. Six to 10 is in the higher zone, she said.

If you’re at the higher end of this continuum, during an interaction or in a situation, Gionta suggested asking yourself, what is causing that? What is it about this interaction, or the person’s expectation that is bothering me?

Resentment usually “comes from being taken advantage of or not appreciated.” It’s often a sign that we’re pushing ourselves either beyond our own limits because we feel guilty (and want to be a good daughter or wife, for instance), or someone else is imposing their expectations, views or values on us, she said.

“When someone acts in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s a cue to us they may be violating or crossing a boundary,” Gionta said.

3. Be direct.

With some people, maintaining healthy boundaries doesn’t require a direct and clear-cut dialogue. Usually, this is the case if people are similar in their communication styles, views, personalities and general approach to life, Gionta said. They’ll “approach each other similarly.”

With others, such as those who have a different personality or cultural background, you’ll need to be more direct about your boundaries. Consider the following example: “one person feels [that] challenging someone’s opinions is a healthy way of communicating,” but to another person this feels disrespectful and tense.

There are other times you might need to be direct. For instance, in a romantic relationship, time can become a boundary issue, Gionta said. Partners might need to talk about how much time they need to maintain their sense of self and how much time to spend together.

4. Give yourself permission.

Fear, guilt and self-doubt are big potential pitfalls, Gionta said. We might fear the other person’s response if we set and enforce our boundaries. We might feel guilty by speaking up or saying no to a family member. Many believe that they should be able to cope with a situation or say yes because they’re a good daughter or son, even though they “feel drained or taken advantage of.” We might wonder if we even deserve to have boundaries in the first place.

Boundaries aren’t just a sign of a healthy relationship; they’re a sign of self-respect. So give yourself the permission to set boundaries and work to preserve them.

5. Practice self-awareness.

Again, boundaries are all about honing in on your feelings and honoring them. If you notice yourself slipping and not sustaining your boundaries, Gionta suggested asking yourself: What’s changed? Consider “What I am doing or [what is] the other person doing?” or “What is the situation eliciting that’s making me resentful or stressed?” Then, mull over your options: “What am I going to do about the situation? What do I have control over?”

6. Consider your past and present.

How you were raised along with your role in your family can become additional obstacles in setting and preserving boundaries. If you held the role of caretaker, you learned to focus on others, letting yourself be drained emotionally or physically, Gionta said. Ignoring your own needs might have become the norm for you.

Also, think about the people you surround yourself with, she said. “Are the relationships reciprocal?” Is there a healthy give and take?

Beyond relationships, your environment might be unhealthy, too. For instance, if your workday is eight hours a day, but your co-workers stay at least 10 to 11, “there’s an implicit expectation to go above and beyond” at work, Gionta said. It can be challenging being the only one or one of a few trying to maintain healthy boundaries, she said. Again, this is where tuning into your feelings and needs and honoring them becomes critical.

7. Make self-care a priority.

Gionta helps her clients make self-care a priority, which also involves giving yourself permission to put yourself first. When we do this, “our need and motivation to set boundaries become stronger,” she said. Self-care also means recognizing the importance of your feelings and honoring them. These feelings serve as “important cues about our wellbeing and about what makes us happy and unhappy.”

Putting yourself first also gives you the “energy, peace of mind and positive outlook to be more present with others and be there” for them.” And “When we’re in a better place, we can be a better wife, mother, husband, co-worker or friend.”

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