VIDEO: Wife Alert!! I’m About To Hook You Up!

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By Aiyana Ma’at

Calling all wives who looove their husbands! I have a little word I want to have with you. I know you’ve been holdin it down with hubby, the kids, work, and a whole lot more. Sometimes, even though he doesn’t mean to–your husband can become a little too comfortable with all that you do and can forget to take some time to make some time for YOU. I understand. Really I do. Listen in.

CLICK HERE to go to the video you can send to your hubby!

VIDEO: Your Wife Asked Me To Have A Chat With You

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By Aiyana Ma’at

What’s up fellas. There’s a few words I need to say to you today. I’m speaking on behalf of your wife and I know for sure that she approves of this message. There’s a few things that she wants you to know…how much you mean to her, how much she needs you, and how much….you know what–there’s no need for me to go into detail here. Just listen to the video and then do what you do!

VIDEO: Stop Hating. Start Appreciating.

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VIDEO: This is an oldie but goodie. We can never say it enough. APPRECIATE your boo. APPLAUD their efforts no matter how small. ENCOURAGE them and you will see them sparkle. We have to speak life to each other. It is an absolute MUST!

In life in general and in our relationships in particular, it’s easy to get sucked in and consumed by the negativity that surrounds us. In this clip we challenge you to not ignore the negativity…but rather B Intentional about applauding the positive in your spouse and their actions. If you want more good, you got to celebrate the good that you already got!

QUESTION: When was the last time you gave your spouse a true and genuine complement?

Cocktails For Grown Folks —The Flirtini

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By Ericka Beckwith & Robin Hunt

Love is in the air and with Valentine’s Day just a few weeks away, the Cocktails and Conversation Divas want to help you put a little spice in your love life. Play coy with your lova and serve him/her this cocktail after a long day at work; add a delicious home cooked meal (or one prepared by your favorite restaurant) and we can almost guarantee you that you will be thanked for your efforts later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ericka Beckwith & Robin Hunt are an integral part of the writing team here at Blackloveandmarriage.com. They love good cocktails and great get-togethers (aka parties). They are moms, reality show junkies and together manage the blog Cocktails And Conversation along with their BlogTalk Radio show by the same name.

 

Husband Or Wife – Who Is More Likely To Keep Their New Year Resolutions?

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By Amanda Chatel

With every New Year there comes a chance for a do-over, or at the very least the opportunity to do things differently than we have in the past.  We are knocking on the door of the second month of 2012 and I wonder if there’s anybody out there that has already fallen off the wagon…hmmmm.

In a recent poll conducted by Tokii’s DiscoveryGames, they collected the responses of participants to see exactly what kind of resolutions men and women are setting—and who’s sticking to them.

What was discovered is that both men and women make New Year’s resolutions, with the ladies being ahead at 67% and the men at 55%. Although there is an effort being made from both genders, 80% of men and 45% of women reported that they’ve failed to keep resolutions, or more specifically “gave up too easily.” CLICK HERE to read more.

The Marriage Power Struggle. Are You In One?

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By R.S. Leger

One might be tempted to think that marriage power struggles are not that common, but anyone who has ever been in a relationship where one is present, is fully aware that power struggles are very real, troublesome, and potentially as destructive  modern day marriages as it ever was!

 

Marriage power struggles go way beyond one person wanting to be the deciding factor in topics of disagreement– a true power-struggle exists when one partner insists on “running the show.” When this kind of marriage problem exists, the result is that there is really no “marriage relationship” at all, and the other partner begins to lose more and more of his or her personal selfhood.

 

Marriage power struggles usually begin from one person’s ingrained beliefs about what is “right.” Some extreme examples are when a man believes that he must assert his “dominate authority” over his wife and his home. On the opposite side of the same coin, is the idea that a “modern woman” is one-hundred-percent on her own, with little “use” for her husband’s authority. Needless to say, these are not very positive beliefs on which to build a marriage relationship that will last a lifetime!

 

When these extreme marriage power struggles exist, unless they are resolved there can be only two possible results– either the marriage will fail, or one spouse will fall apart. If both spouses have the willingness and motivation to resolve the marriage problems, as well as the intelligence and personality traits needed to make doing so possible, it can often be resolved. In many cases, however, marriage counseling is necessary– because it is very difficult to shake destructive beliefs from a person when he has held them for much of his life.

 

There are generally two forms of marriage power struggles.

 

1. The type where one person insists on “running things”.

 

2. The type where one person shuts the spouse out of his or her life.

 

The ability to resolve either problem rests in both spouses’ willingness and readiness to acknowledge two main points: first, that a true marriage “takes two,” and, as such, each person’s beliefs, needs, feelings, and input are equally essential; and second, that each is an individual person who cannot be taken advantage of, silenced, or dismissed.

 

Whether you have been married for a short period of time or many decades, a common factor in this problem is that many fail to recognize when a marriage power struggle becomes actual abuse. The sad part is that it often exists without a person being fully aware of it.

 

A marriage power struggle does not have to result in physical, sexual, or even verbal violence in order to be “abuse.” This fact is the reason why many– usually, but not always, women– are in the position of being abused for years and even decades. They believe, erroneously, that if the person has not hit them, they are not being abused.

 

However, even if a marriage power struggle never escalates to physical violence, other forms of abuse which often occur are equally devastating, and equally destructive. If this sounds odd, the fact is that if a person is abused for a period of time, it has a damaging effect on her mind, her emotions, and her self-esteem.

 

It is abuse if your spouse exerts control over you, your actions, your life; this can range from telling you what you can and cannot wear, with whom you can and cannot associate, or where you can and cannot go. It is abusive if he monitors your actions, your whereabouts, and your privacy. It is abusive if your feelings, thoughts, beliefs and needs are dismissed as irrelevant or inconsequential. It is abusive if you are frequently put-down, ridiculed, accused or threatened. It is abusive if you are made to feel that you are accountable to your spouse, or if you are made to feel weak, small, helpless, afraid, unintelligent, unattractive, or unworthy.

 

While these actions are the foundation of an extreme power-struggle, they are also abuse. It is not something which you should tolerate; it is not something which you should ask marriage advice from your friends about; it is a life-diminishing situation for which you need professional assistance.

 

 

R.S. Leger is the author of numerous articles on relationships and marriages that help people find common ground and resolve marriage differences and also some solid marriage tips to get both spouses thinking and working together.

Do You Feel Loved Or Unloved?

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By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Do you feel unloved? Do you know what would make you feel loved?

Ask yourself: Who do you feel loved or unloved by? Your partner? Your parents? Your children? Yourself? God?

FEELING LOVED OR UNLOVED BY YOURSELF AND/OR GOD

What does it mean to feel loved or unloved by yourself?

You will likely feel unloved by yourself when you abandon yourself by:

* Ignoring your feelings by staying in your head rather than being present in your body.

* Judging yourself, being negative, rather than being kind, caring and compassionate with yourself.

* Turning to various addictions to avoid feeling your feelings and taking responsibility for them.

* Making others responsible for your feelings, or taking responsibility for others’ feelings.

* Not speaking up for yourself – allowing yourself to be treated badly by others.

* Not taking care of your health by eating badly, not exercising, not getting enough sleep.

* Not opening to learning with a spiritual source of love and truth.

* Not taking financial and organizational care of yourself.

When you are not loving yourself, you will also feel abandoned by God, and therefore feel unloved by God. And, when you are not loving yourself, you will also likely not feel loved by others, even if they are loving you.

You will feel loved by yourself when you:

* Are present with your feelings with an intent to learn about the information they are giving you and you desire to take responsibility for them.

* You treat yourself with kindness, gentleness, and compassion.

* You think in positive ways.

* You do not make others responsible for your feelings nor do you take responsibility for others’ feelings.

* You speak your truth without blame or judgment.

* You take good care of your body/health.

* You provide financial and organizational safety for yourself.

* You have a devoted spiritual practice.

When you are loving yourself in these ways, you will also feel the love of Spirit within you and all around you.

FEELING LOVED OR UNLOVED BY ANOTHER

You will likely feel unloved by another when:

* The other is distant, cold, withdrawn, discounting, negative, disconnected, emotionally unavailable – controlling in any number of covert ways.

* The other is angry, blaming, judgmental, mean, attacking, lying, physically violent – controlling in any number of overt ways.

* The other is closed to learning with you, refusing to lovingly discuss problems and resolve conflict.

* The other shuts you out with TV, Blackberry or iPhone, computer, work, reading, alcohol, pot, and any number of other addictions.

* The other is uninterested in you and what you say.

* The other doesn’t care about how his or her behavior affects you.

Others will also feel unloved by you when you are behaving in the above ways.

You will feel loved when:

* The other cares about your feelings and wellbeing, and about the effect his or her behavior has on you. The other cares and attempts to understand when his or her behavior is hurtful to you.

* The other is compassionate with you when you are feeling the core feelings of loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, grief, or sorrow – even when it is about his or her behavior.

* The other listens to you attentively, connecting with you emotionally.

* The other is open to learning with you in conflict and wants your highest good as well as his or her highest good.

* The other takes responsibility for his or her own feelings and wellbeing so he or she can come to you with an open heart full of love.

Others will feel loved when you are behaving in the above ways.

If you are feeling unloved, you need to look at how you are not being loving to yourself within yourself and with others. If you consistently feel unloved by a particular person, you need to look at how you might not be taking loving care of yourself when around that person.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com/welcome 

Love Lesson Of The Day: Outside Interference & Your Marriage Don’t Mix

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By Stan Dublin

While driving around town a few days ago, I heard a radio talk show host give a woman advice that was so off-the-wall, I figured I’d mention it here as a good example of “outside influences.”

 

The talk show host is well known, has a national audience and his subject is money and finances. (I won’t mention his name, as that part of the story is not that important). A woman calls all excited to talk to the host and says her fiance wants a pre-nuptial. She says he’s got a handful of old cars that are treasured collectibles and apparently he doesn’t want to lose them if the marriage goes sour.

 

The woman explains a bit more about her fiance, that he’s been in school for awhile, learning a craft and the talk show host jumps in and goes on for about five minutes about how big a mistake the woman is making by going ahead with the marriage! He even tells her that if you were my daughter that, “I’d do everything in my power to make sure you didn’t marry this guy!” He uses this five minutes to severely criticize the woman’s fiance.

 

Now I realize this is a more-than-obvious example of an “outside influence” but this woman started off the conversation with a fiance she loved dearly and a minor concern about the pre-nup and as the talk show host worked her over for those five minutes you could see that she was starting to feel different about her fiance.

 

And I also realize this woman most likely should NOT have called the show to get “advice” about her fiance AND whatever advice he gave she should NOT have let it affect her. But unfortunately these kinds of things can and do happen.

 

If you (or your spouse) are talking to a friend or another family member about your spouse and you receive advice that is derogatory in some way, realize the potential exists that you’ll leave that conversation with less affinity for your spouse. You may have had good intentions going into that conversation, perhaps wanting to air some concerns you have, but you have to be aware of the fact that someone outside of your marriage has the potential to reduce the love and affection one spouse has for the other.

 

Having an awareness of “outside influences” as a factor in your marriage can be very helpful. Opinions are like belly buttons–everyone has one. However, it is your feelings, inside knowledge of your spouse and your situation that matters the most. Never forget that.

 

Stan Dubin has been married for over 25 years and during that time he’s used a good deal of information to keep his marriage at a high level. Visit him at Marriage Success.com.

What To Watch: Morgan Freeman Shares Inspiring Life Lessons On “Oprah’s Master Class”

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VIDEO CLIP: Oprah’s latest installation of the inspirational series “Master Class” features veteran actor and 2012 Golden Globe honoree Morgan Freeman sharing his story of being unemployed, broke, and “living on stale donuts” before making it big in Hollywood.

In this clip, Morgan talks about the frustration of being a struggling actor wondering when he’d get his big break.

“Things happen as they should,” he says. “Certain times in your life you say ‘I should have been doing so and so, but it’s not necessarily so. You probably should be doing what you’re doing, just do your best at it.”

 

 

 

NEVER Get Too Comfortable In Your Marriage

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By Ilex Bien-Aime

Most relationships start out the same way. Both men and women seem to put their best foot forward at the beginning. We want to impress each other and show why we should be together as opposed to someone else. We have this burning desire for each other that spark us to go the extra mile, but often times that desire seems to fall by the wayside. It’s too bad that we treat each other like we love each other when we first meet but we act as if we don’t like each other when we are supposed to be in love.

I truly believe that people need to continue to try to impress each other. When you decide to settle down with someone, that should not give you the license to act as if you don’t have to keep trying. I understand that when you commit to someone you feel comfortable with them and you should, but you should also continue to make your partner feel special. Just because you say “I do,” and just because you know that your partner is not going anywhere, that does not mean that your work stops there.

It’s easy to change when you get married, let’s face it, you know a lot more about your partner now then you did in the dating stage. While dating, you seem to be on your best behavior and you would never have thought to disrespect each other. When dating people handle little disagreements in a better way then they do when they get married. I am guilty of this myself, I can’t lie, sometimes I don’t handle things in the most respectful manner. I can say the same thing for my wife. This, in my opinion, is a big mistake that we have made and it is a big mistake that most people make. Sometimes we tend to lose our friendship when we become too familiar with each other.

Becoming too comfortable with each other can ruin the passion in relationships. I like to call it the Victoria Secret and granny panty syndrome. Have you ever noticed that when you first meet a woman, you never see her granny panties. Your man doesn’t come over wearing his underwear and socks with the huge holes in them either. I know that many women will say that cotton underwear are comfortable and I am realistic about the situation, you can’t always be sexy. I am sure if a man had to keep digging his underwear out of his behind all of them time, he would want to have some comfortable underwear also. The point of what I am saying is that, we need not take for granted our partner. The things that we did to impress each other before we got married, should be the things that we do to impress each other during our marriages.

Fellas we start out like the most romantic beings that God ever created. We hold hands, we talk softly, we write long notes, and we come with gifts as much as we possibly can. Stop me if you have heard this saying before, “Before we got married you used to bring me flowers and gifts all of the time.” When we get married, often times men think that birthdays and Christmas are the only times that we should give gifts. We used to bring little gifts just because. Before we would stay up all night talking to each other and now we act as if we are not interested in what our wives have to say, this should not be.

The beauty of marriage is that you have found someone to spend the rest of your life with. You can and should be the real you however that does not mean that your job is done. Ladies, sometimes wear your sexy undergarments for your man. Fellas stop wearing those funky boxers and socks with the holes in them. Stop talking to each other as if you don’t love each other. Fellas (self included) start listening more. Bring home her favorite (whatever) every now and then. Even though you know that you aren’t going anywhere, make each other feel like you did when you first started dating. Always try to impress each other and you will always be impressed by each other!

Ilex Bien-Aime is an integral part of the BlackLoveAndMarriage.com team.  He lives in Washington, DC with his lovely wife. He writes as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. He writes as a man who wants to give his future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly he writes what he writes because his female friends are always asking his opinion about these situations. Connect with Ilex at Iamsayingit.blogspot.com or via email atilexbienaime@gmail.com.