Gentlemen, You Are NOT Ready To Get Married IF…..
By Ayize Ma’at
In the marriage counseling and coaching work that my wife and I do with couples from around the country, I’m frequently asked, “How do you know she’s ‘the one'”, or “How do I know when I’m ready to get married?” Sometimes when I hear these questions it’s hard to keep a straight face because in many of these situations the men are engaging in behavior that’s “questionable” at best and got the nerve to look me in the eyes and even suggest that they’re ready for marriage. Of course as a good relationship coach I remain neutral as I provide my answer and lift up the importance of healthy relationships. Truth be told, their questions and situations inspire me. I’ve created a list of 10 reasons that YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED. Enjoy.
Gentlemen,
You are not ready to get married if……..
1. YOU DEFINE YOUR “PRIMARY FAMILY” AS: YOU, BROTHER, SISTER, MOMMY & DADDY INSTEAD OF YOU, YOUR WIFE, AND FUTURE CHILDREN
Fellas it’s time to grow up. Your woman is looking for you to assume your role as the priest of your home. If you’re unwilling to do that and you’re psychologically or emotionally in a space where you want to be “taken care of” …..YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
2. YOU’VE BEEN A “PLAYA” FOR 364 DAYS OF THE YEAR AND YOU THINK MARRIAGE WILL MIRACULOUSLY MAKE YOU MONOGAMOUS
Come on “Sun”….don’t get stuck on the numbers you are too bright for that. LOL. We are creatures of habit and unfortunately you’ve created a deeply embedded behavioral pattern that makes it practically impossible to flip the switch to fidelity. If you’re trusting in your “magical” ability to make an instantaneous shift…YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
3. YOU THINK LIFE AFTER “I DO” MEANS 15% WITH YOUR WIFE AND 85% WITH YOUR “BOYS”
I know you enjoy choppin’ it up with the fellas….which is cool BUT building anything (i.e. business, gaming, fantasy football, and oh..your relationship) requires time, attention, and patience. Being married is about building your marriage. If you are unwilling to dramatically alter the aforementioned ratio…YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
4. YOU ONLY WANT A MRS.
Gentlemen, WAKE THE HELL UP!!!! In case you haven’t noticed women everywhere are gettin’ their hustle on and demonstrating that they have been and always will be able to be more than JUST A WIFE. By no means am I minimizing the role of a wife…I’m just saying that if you expect your woman to ONLY be a Mrs. till death do you part, you are in for a rude awakening and…..YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED. It’s 2011 and women are out here gettin’ it.
5. ANOTHER WOMAN’S VAGINA IS IN YOUR MOUTH OR WRAPPED AROUND YOUR PENIS THE DAY BEFORE YOUR WEDDING
We’re all grown right?….Let me make it plain…YOU CAN’T DANCE IN THE WATER AND NOT GET WET”! How many times have you heard somebody saying “this is the last time”…only to find themselves saying “this is the last time” 1 week later? I know what you’re thinking….”But it’s the Bachelor Party”…right? Let me tell you this…Every man that I know that has humped someone else the night before has continued humping someone else during marriage….which has consequently led to relationship DRAMA. If the last minute “jump off” is that important….YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
6. NOTHING IS EVER UP FOR DISCUSSION
If you think your voice, opinions, suggestions, or ideas are the ONLY ones worthy of being heard and implemented in your relationship, YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED. Your woman ain’t having that. Relationships are about an exchange of ideas…NOT blind obedience to one persons’ truth. Your woman is not your pet.
7. YOU BELIEVE THE WOMAN YOU’RE MARRYING TODAY IS THE WOMAN YOU’RE GONNA BE SPENDING YOUR LIFE WITH TOMORROW
Although I’m figuratively using today and tomorrow, I want to drive home the literal point that PEOPLE CHANGE. Life is about transformation and reaching a higher level of consciousness. Your wife has a path in life that she’s been charged to follow. If you demand that she stand still and be the “same person” for the rest of your lives….YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
8. YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE PRIORITY
If yall have the fortune to be blessed with child, please know that you’re gonna take the back seat to the baby for about 1 year. Don’t worry it’s normal. If you are unwilling to “fall back” and allow your wife to bond with your newborn…..YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
9. YOU DEMAND THE SEX BE ON DEMAND
Actually it is….at the push of a button that is. LOL. On the real tho’ your lady probably won’t “drop it like it’s hot” just because you ask and ya’ll are married now. Don’t get me wrong….married sex is the most amazing sex you can have (if you’re really connected with her). But if you demand the sex be on demand after you jump the broom…..YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
10. YOU DON’T WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE MOST REWARDING FEELING YOU’VE EVER FELT BEFORE….LOVE
All I can say is your relationship will “grow you up” and give you a gift like you’ve never had before. You relationship will give you the healing, rejuvenating, resuscitating, refreshing, and replenishing feelings of love IF YOU ALLOW IT. If you are not ready to work on yourself and work on your relationship so you can reap the benefits of becoming one….YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
This is Great… I wonder will he do one for the woman cause I would like to know… I have questions about my own mentality in the relationship?
Alhamdulillah man I have to say that is a great post but you missed a couple.
You are not ready to get married if you have trust issues. You have to realize that each relationship stands on it's own merits, each woman is different and if you are waiting for the other shoe to drop you will never be able to embrace all that this relationship has to offer. Just because the last woman snatched your heart out danced on it and fed it to hogs doesn't mean all women come from the same clan. If you walk with a Shield no one can hurt you, but you can not truly love anyone either.
You are not ready to get married if you are trying to fix a bad decision. You are a spiritual person, but have fallen off the wagon and got yourself in some dirt, marriage doesn't magically endow your "down low" with the faith that you were supposed to have in the first place. In Islamic circles called "Giving her the Dawah". You got in the relationship for booty marriage doesn't magically transform a bad situation into a good one. Recognize the person for whom they are. If they aren't who you are looking for keep walking there are more fish in the sea.
You are not ready to get married if you are a Panty Sniffer. If your girl can't walk out the door and check the mail without you thinking that she's slept with five guys on the way back home. You are not ready to get married. That mentality comes firstly from thinking that you are in control of something, you're not and if your spouse chooses to step out there really isn't anything that you can do about it. Just establish rules and be honest and everything else will fall into place. If she/he violates the relationship and you stay true to God then know of a surety that He made it known to you for the sole purpose that He has something much better lined up for you. Take your lesson of positives and negtatives and go get what God has waiting for you.
This was a great post man. I'm going to have to have some of my mentees read this!
thanks Terrence
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Sometimes I do wander if such a Man that does not have one of the aforementioned issues on the list even exists. Sometimes it seems that Black Men are not even ready to get serious until their mid 30's of course not all…
Just to provide a little hope, I want to let you know that, there's at least a dozen guys at my church, where we all got married in our early 20's. There are a lot of young black men of faith who want to get married. On top of that half of the guys were virgins (intentionally). We're all still married and most of us are about to hit 10 years soon. God bless!
Wow – really love this,but I'm interested to know what are the signs for females to know that they are NOT READY TO BE MARRIED….
glad you liked….the post for female is coming very soon.
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<3 Thanks for sharing. I have been single for the past 4 yrs because I refuse to bring the harmful baggage of my past to my future. Everyone has some baggage, but this stuff I'm talkin in from being abused by a man you thought loved you. So I am into self love first, and setting boundaries, and learning how to just court a guy without giving up the cookies 2 wks later. I am growing and when its time…..he'll come. Cause I'm not lookin i'm being patient. Smooches, Mr and Mrs Ma'at.
Keep pushing and growing Thylon. Your life will reflect the benefits 🙂
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Great list. I entitle it, "Marriage is for grown folks: don't send a boy to do a man's job".
#5 is straight real talk. As you guys say "stop playing and start pushing".
Great stuff! This is serious. I appreciate men who consider marriage, but if they don't plan on changing things up, and start thinking of other people instead of themselves, they should just keep it pushing in the mean time.
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I LOVE #4! Women are way more than one dimensional.
Thanks for this brotha. I've got some self evaluation to do because I'm guilty of a few of these things..