Should I Allow My Unemployed Man To Move In With Me Before We Get Married?
VIDEO: Hi! I need some perspective from a loving married Black couple. I watch your advice videos and love the messages you put out there and the positivity. My question is , I’m newly engaged as of last month 🙂 and my fiance lost his job the same week. This is the 2nd time since I’ve known him he’s lost his job due to the recesion. (lay offs) He was out of work for a few months and found a job and now got laid off from this new job. His savings is almost run out and he said he may need to stay with me if he can’t get a job soon. (He has said he has no debt (just the cost of my engagement ring) has always paid his rent and ongoing monthly bills timely to date) To give a little backstory-We met last summer 2010 and started as friends first. By Spring2011 our friendship developed into a full blown relationship with marriage potential. We are equally yoked in our faith, values and overall goals of family etc. I’m 33 and he’s 44. He’s a godly man, my friend and love, quiet & simple guy. I’ve never married & quite old fashioned and he’s divorced no kids (the ex cheated on him) My concern is seeing how we just got engaged and planned on marrying end of the year (Dec) in a small family only ceremony (elopement). All this change is overwhelming to begin with (singledom to marriage) but also, I’m really concerned about entering marriage if I’m the sole provider. We have had discussions of our perceptions of what a mans role and a woman’s role is. He has said, he is to provide and share with the house hold with the wife. I talked with my fiancee and expressed to him , to me, it’s important he have a job before we enter marriage. We agree our household will be dual income . His response was , “if we were already married would you kick me out? I said of course not, I’d hold things down until you found work. “To him he doesn’t see the difference. However to me it’s different. Like going to the Olympics. You want to train and be at your optimium potential/performance level to play the game. Am I wrong for thinking this way? I’m a practical person and Love him too but don’t want to be a fool. He did express of course he would never mooch off me and contribute in other ways, like groceries, cleaning, cooking etc. ( He has demonstrated this- I’ve seen it) Also , he just started with very small investing that’s another way to potentially make income. (That’s his plan B) My parents don’t know about his job situation but are very observant. They are always mentioning to me and expressing their concern about me marrying my fiancee” can he provide, can he provide for you. You’ve always held it down for the family, but you should be taken care of and provided for”. I’m feeling so overwhelmed. 🙁 I know marriage is a huge step and nothing changes. I wouldn’t change anything about my fiancee, I know what I see is what I get. I know we’ll have tough times. I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with carrying the majority of the load ENTERING marriage under stress. I don’t want to do something I’ll regret or have resentment toward my fiancee. It’s not my position to cohabitate before marrying either but I don’t want to see him out on the street if he can’t get a job by end of the month. So potentially I’d be sacrificing my stance for the sake of love. I’m concerned I’ll become resentful. The other side of me thinks, times are tough, the recession is taking it’s toll, perhaps this is all a test of our love? Maybe I need to change how I think/my perspective? What do you think? Is it too much to ask my fiancee to secure a job before marrying? (we can always reset the date) He’s actively looking and going on interviews, but what if he doesn’t land a job? Potentially worst case scenerio he could be living with me cohabitating and I’d be providing for us both in the next month. Please help. Any advice input is greatly appreciated. Thank you !
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wow, it's amazing how everyone talks about getting 'jobs'. no one talks about getting new clients, or providing value to customers. The employee mentality is quite prevalent among many american folks.
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This is a loaded question. There is too much energy involved here. Meaning this is too complicated to answer. The female seems to have to power to make the money. Why not him as the husband mange it cause he seems to hold that ability.
Ladies aint nothing wrong with being a cougar. Make your husband your assistant, you toy, your lover and your friend. He doesn't seem like one who would be hurt by the thought of having a cougar. Cougar aint just about a May December relationship but is also about a woman's ability to make dat money. Think about it.
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I think they can make it work. Knowing more info from the author (that his family doesn't live close by, except an estranged uncle), I, personally, would allow him to move in under some conditions, including him pulling his weight around the house and vigorously looking for a job. Good luck to them!
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Thanks Briana! One final update. Things have turned around and God is good! My fiancee landed a new job with benefits and everything. It's been a very stressful time but I feel like our "test" has been passed. Love and communication has brought us through. My fiancee took time out to "thank me" and tell me his gratitude for everything I've done. It really meant alot for him to tell me. I knew he was grateful but to hear it meant so much. Things are getting back on track and we are sending out save the dates for spring. I didn't follow the Maat's advice. I had to go with my heart and think of what Christ would do for a loved one in need and trust in him. I understand the reservations from the posters to avoid a moocher but I knew my fiancee's character is not like that. Thanks for the kind words and to all for sharing their input. Marriage is for good and bad, richer or poorer. Lesson for me is sometimes things don't go the way you hope but love prevails. We are a team and I want to be there in the low and the high times. No one said life was easy, they just said it'd be worth it. Peace.
Wow seeing this makes me feel I am on the right track with my fiancee. I've done just about everything on this list 🙂 cool. Great post.
Opps wrong post to different topic.
Hi. I am the author of this post. I was scared to do so, but my fiancee has since moved in and had found a new job in my town (we were long distance before) and just this week his hours were cut to "on call"! However he found another job opportunity in which he starts on Monday (probationary basis) with potential for f/t hire in a month. in terms of resources…He has no family/friends that live in this state except an estranged uncle and the rest live in the Carribean where he's originally from. We pushed back the wedding date to late Spring too. So far things are going ok and he's held true to his word and contributed to the household with chores, cooking and the food bill…anyway he's still able to help he does. I hope I made the right decision, I think so. It' s love for better or worse, sometimes life doesn't happen the way we expect. As long as I don't compromise my core values, I have faith it'll work out.
Thank you Sis…for chiming in and providing an update. I'm happy that he's following through on his word. Accountability is KEY in your situation and it looks as though he is honoring his commitment.
My recent post Should I Allow My Unemployed Man To Move In With Me Before We Get Married?
I believe that if you start off right you will end up right so dont let him move in just pray that he find him a job before you marry him its aider differnence in getting married and being married for him to throw that in your face like you have to is wrong he will make it his busoness to make ends meet and show that he can be that provider so just wait and see how he doing in his quest to be come stable but dont have sex or move in together before marriage
If you really love the man you will stay with him through thick and thin. He has a bad time right now so its best to support and help him to his problems (financial). If one day he finds a new job then that's good for you both.
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I agree with not living together before marriage. I also agree that a person can become comfortable being taken care of. I wonder if the advice to wait until employment was secured would have been offered if she was the one who was unemployed. Ultimately if they are willing to push back the wedding until he finds employment that she finds suitable and his having income will make her feel more secure then that's what they should do.
If you have to ask, you already know the answer.
i would say, trust your instincts with regard to what to do about the job situation. at 33, i'm sure you have enough life experiences to help you make the best decision for you.
with regard to living together, don't do it. ask him to go live with his family or male friends until you're officially his wife. If you only met last year, and if he has absolutely no other friends or family that have his back when he's going through a tough time, i'd be a little concerned
Cheers,
K
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That was terrible advice I had an job opportunity to make a lot of money. All I needed was three months to build up my clients at this fortune 500 company my wife freaked out when I didn't bring home a paycheck? that very first week she act as if the world was going to end because I didn't have a weekly paycheck I gave up that job for my family and went back to driving trucks now she complains we don't ever have enough money to do what we want to do all I'm saying is if you love somebody you have to support them too.
Yeah but THEY ARE NOT MARRIED YET!!! Big difference! DUH!
70% of African-American families are single parent families and we are worrying about marriage????? how backwards is that?!!!!!?
I think it can be. As long as the two of you are ready to get married it can be. Love is not measure on how you live together. But it was beyond the expectation. Don't believe in superstition.
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