Got Intimacy? Avoid These 11 Intimacy Killers

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By Lori Radun As human beings, we all have an innate need to be close to someone. But sometimes the very thing we desire is the opposite of what we have. Some of us subconsciously sabotage the relationships we want because of our fear of intimacy. Sometimes we unknowingly and unwillingly drift apart because of our inability to engage in the delicate dance of intimacy. Others avoid intimacy altogether because the pain of past failures is too great. Intimacy, physical and emotional closeness, is tough to navigate our way through. It takes skill, hard work and commitment. I wish I could tell you it is easy once you know how. True intimacy is tough to achieve, but who says the best gifts are easy to obtain? In all honesty, I am certainly no expert on how to maintain and nurture closeness, but I have learned 11 things that will definitely kill intimacy in a relationship.

Dishonesty and Silence Intimacy requires honesty and openness. It only takes one lie to destroy the trust in a relationship. To be close to someone, we need to be able to share what is true and real about us. And we must be willing to hear someone else’s truth. Sometimes we think that it is best to not say anything at all if it means it may hurt our partner. So we silently hang on to our truth or share our truth with the wrong people. When we do this, there is no opportunity for the relationship to grow with integrity.

Lack of Trust Sometimes there is no dishonesty in the relationship, but still a lack of trust exists. Perhaps healthy trust has never been a part of your life, or maybe a painful event in life has fractured your ability to trust. A person must heal from their past and base their decision to trust someone on the present actions of a person. Deem people trustworthy until proven otherwise.

Desire to Change People True intimacy necessitates acceptance. Having acceptance of yourself and your partner is a powerful indicator of love. It doesn’t mean you have to like everything, but you need to let go of the need to change another person. When we lack acceptance of another person’s qualities, our tendency is to control. That control manifests itself in disapproving feelings, and sometimes even pressuring people to change. To feel close to another person, you must feel unconditionally accepted for who you are.

Inability to Express Your Needs and Feelings Unfortunately we, as humans, do not have the power to read minds. Therefore, we have to rely on our partners to communicate with us and vice versa. It is each person’s responsibility to express their needs and feelings. By sharing who we are and what’s important to us, we significantly increase our chances of having our needs met. On the other hand, if we repress our needs and feelings, we shut the other person out of our world, and make intimacy impossible.

Not Listening Communication is a two-way street. Many of us have no problem talking, but listening poses more of a challenge. Listening requires us to hear our partners with our heart. An added step to listening is acknowledging what we have heard. Are you really hearing your partner’s feelings and needs? Or are you thinking about how your partner is wrong or how you want to defend yourself? If your partner is constantly communicating the same need or feeling to you over and over, chances are you are not hearing your partner with your heart.

Self-Centeredness The minute you decide to enter into a committed relationship, the moment self-centeredness becomes a thing of the past. Intimacy requires there to be a balance between self, the other person and the relationship. It’s not about just you anymore. You have to take the feelings and needs of the other person and the relationship into consideration. Decisions about money, routines, free time, children, time, etc. now have to include your partner’s input.

Lack of Respect Chances are if you lack respect for your partner, your intimate life probably suffers. To respect means you hold a high opinion and highly value yourself or another person. You appreciate and show consideration for people. The closeness of intimacy needs a general feeling of respect for self and your partner. It also means you need to behave in a way that deserves respect. You cannot expect your partner to respect you if your actions do not warrant respect.

Imbalance of Power There cannot be one person in a relationship that sees him or herself as more important than his or her partner. A relationship consists of two people with perceived equality. That doesn’t mean one person isn’t smarter, more knowledgeable about certain topics, or has greater strengths in certain areas. It means the difference is not highlighted, flaunted or disrespected. Having a balance of power requires each person to have equal say in a discussion. It means the needs and feelings of each person are equally important.

Unhealthy Arguments All couples have disagreements. The intimacy in your relationship will suffer if you let your arguments get out of hand. Angry words, unresolved arguments, and inflicting emotional and physical pain will destroy intimacy. Couples that are close learn how to respectfully and healthily resolve their arguments.

Absence of Touch Although physical intimacy is just a part of total intimacy, it is a very important part. If you don’t make a point to hug, kiss, and experience sexual intimacy, your level of intimacy will be affected. You can still be close, but touch adds extra feelings of warmth, safety and love.

Extreme Separateness So many couples, after time, begin to live separate lives. Either their differences separate them or unawareness or lack of intention cause them to drift apart. Intimacy requires people to spend time together and share in each other’s life. A relationship is like a garden. You need to take the time to pull the weeds, fertilize and water the flowers. In other words, it requires time, love, and a commitment to keep the bad to a minimum. If you want your relationship to be intimate, love and respect one another, do your best to meet one another’s needs, share your dreams and feelings, and avoid these eleven intimacy killers.

Lori Radun, CEC – certified life coach for moms. To receive her FREE newsletter for moms and the special report “155 Things Moms Can Do to Raise Great Children, visit her website at http://www.true2youlifecoaching.com. 

Your Man Is Tired Of Being Rejected By YOU

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By Py Kim Conant

From the earliest days of dating your man through years of marriage to him, it is inherent in his being a man that he constantly risks rejection by you. Early in the relationship you may turn down a date, not want to go to the restaurant or movie he suggests, refuse his good-night kiss (even on the third date, as I foolishly did to the man I later married), not let him come into your home, not want to have sex. Your man has the courage to keep taking the initiative with you, proposing things to you that you might turn down, thereby rejecting him in the process of rejecting his idea or suggestion.

Respect your man’s courage in the lifelong journey of risk-taking that he embarks on with you. It takes balls to be a man. Real nerve. Respect that. Even after you are together, even married, his risk-taking continues. A man’s life always involves a risk of rejection. It’s bad enough that he faces that risk at work (as do you, too, of course), but he also faces it at home, even from you, his woman who loves and respects him.

At work, a man may risk rejection (of an idea, a project, a request, a report, an opinion) that could negatively impact how he feels about himself as a man. However, a man’s greatest psychological vulnerability is not the risk of rejection at work, but the risk of rejection at home, from you, his woman. A man’s ego is most vulnerable when, after you have established a sexual relationship, he tells you that he wants to make love to you. At that point you hold his ego in your hands.

If you refuse his invitation or request for sex, you may think that you refused for some objective reason, such as the late hour, illness, chores that need doing, your own distractedness, not enough time, hunger, the baby’s diaper, not in the mood, or a hundred other reasonable scenarios that preclude lovemaking at that moment. If he were to ask why, you’d say, “Nothing personal; it’s just ___________ (fill in the blank).” You probably wouldn’t see it as a big deal. “We’ll make love later,” you’d probably think, if you thought about it any more at all.

“Wait a minute,” you might think, “I’m tired/it’s late/we have to leave in twenty minutes. That’s why I said no. I’m not rejecting him. I love him and I love his manhood.”

For him, when you refused his (brave, risky) offer to make love, you refused his manhood. Translation: You refused him as a man. He feels bad about himself as a man, refused by his girlfriend, fiancée, or wife, rejected by the woman he loves, his manhood rejected by the woman he loves, his manhood refused and rejected. It doesn’t feel good to be constantly rejected.

Py Kim Conant, the author of Sex Secrets of an American Geisha: How to Attract, Satisfy, and Keep Your Man,    

10 Situations Where Men And Women Differ So Much!

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By Jeff Cuckson

One basic fact of life. Women and men are different. I am not talking about their physical attributes, but in their attitudes to relationships.

I am a man, writing this article. I have tried to be fair, but can I tell you ladies, I just can’t understand you most of the time. But I am sure that most of you would answer, that you can’t understand us men.

I have been guilty of most of the attitudes listed, especially the shopping which I hate. Therefore to go a little way in imparting some understanding, here are 10 situations where the thinking of men and women go in opposite directions;

  1. ANGER: When Anger or another problem enters a relationship A woman will want to repair the situation or problem before any sex.A man will think that making love will make it all right again.
  2. TOUCHING: For women touching without sex is comforting and very soothing. They find that the touching gives a warm feeling of security.However for men touching without sex can easily be misunderstood and he can even feel threatened.Please understand that when men touch each other, it is in a rough manner. They slap or punch each other on the back. Tender touching makes many men feel vulnerable and dependent. These have been seen by men to be un masculine.Men find it uncomfortable with so much closeness. It makes them feel vulnerable. However women are not comfortable without this type of intimacy.
  3. TELEPHONE: Men use the telephone or mobile phone as a communication device. It is to send short messages to each other.However women see the telephone differently. They use it to keep in touch with their friends supporting, helping and growing relationships. They are more interested in people and feelings than objects such as telephones and the latest video games.
  4. SEX: When it comes to foreplay, women prefer 40-45 minutes of foreplay. However men on the other hand prefer 40-45 seconds of foreplay before sex
  5. GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. However when a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she is ready, as soon as she finds her other piece of jewellery and makes just one more phone call.
  6. SHOPPING: Women can shop all day and enjoy the whole experience. Its a chance to talk. They use talk to build and sustain connections with others. However men just want finish and close the situation. Its their nature. One can view this difference anytime with couples in shopping malls.
  7. BATHROOMS A man has on average around 5-6 items in his bathroom. A woman on the other hand has over 200 items in her bathroom. Make no attempt to ask a man to identify all these items.
  8. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, gardening, answer the phone, or get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
  9. CHILDREN: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about doctors and dentists appointments. All their friends, their favorite and not so favorite foods, plus their secret fears and their hopes and dreams.Most men, though not as many as years ago, are aware of some short people sharing the home.
  10. TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of approximately 12, they seem to lose the interest.However, men NEVER grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, the toys simply get more expensive. One shopping channel has a section called “Big Boys Toys”

In ending this article I would like to stress the points:

  1. Not all women are alike
  2. Not all men are alike.

There have been great men and great women who have made this world such a better place. No matter what sex you are I leave you with this quote that applies to all of us:

Be kind. Remember, everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. –Thompson

I wish you perfect health and piece of mind in all that you do.

10 Crucial And Surprising Steps To Build Trust & Intimacy In A Relationship

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By Dr. Robert Huizenga

1. Be predictable.

When do seeds of suspicion emerge? When one begins to think, What’s up? Why is he doing that? He’s never done that before. That is so unlike him. He loses 30 pounds, buys a new wardrobe and comes home late from work. He changes his patterns. His behavior becomes unpredictable. You get the picture? Any movement away from predictable behavior can become suspect and trust can deteriorate. Focus on acting predictably if you need to build trust. Be consistent in what you do. This doesn’t mean you must be boring. If there is a twinkle in your eye and a dose of spontaneity every so often, for goodness sakes be spontaneous and fun loving. But, be spontaneous consistently! Be true to who you have always been and be that consistently, whoever you tend to be!

2. Inform your significant other when you become “unpredictable.” No one goes through life the same person.

We all make shifts and changes. Frankly sometimes we may be fairly clueless about what is happening and where we are going. Those times may be very intense and we do some silly things or make some downright dumb decisions. Life can get very squirrelly and unpredictable. (I have a favorite phrase: Gold is refined through intense heat.) Growth in an individual, marriage or family often is accompanied by a little chaos. Welcome these shifts, for there is a part of you searching for something better/different/richer/deeper, but for heaven’s sake, inform your partner of what you are experiencing. Say, “I really don’t know what is going on in me right now, but I’m moving in a different direction. Be a little patient with me while I figure this out. I might do some silly things, but my intent is not to harm you or scare you. Accept some of my wondering and wandering and please be there for me? I may need to run some of this by you every so often!”

3. Make sure your words match the message. Mean what you say and say what you mean.

When your partner hears one thing in your words but your tone of voice, body language and facial expressions are really saying something else, you open the relationship to some crazy making days. Which message is she to believe? This can waste a tremendous amount of energy and she learns not to trust part of what you are saying. Here’s a very simple but common example. You are getting ready to go to a formal dinner. Your wife comes to you and says, “How do I look?” (And she’s wearing a dress you don’t particularly like and her hair is pulled back in a way that turns you off.) Not to spoil the evening you enthusiastically say, “You look great.” You don’t really mean it and a part of her knows you really don’t mean it. But, you leave it at that. This might not seem like a big deal – we all have done something similar – but if trust is shaky to begin with, it is even shakier now. Here’s how to match the words with the nonverbal: “I think you are a beautiful person. I want you to know that. I love you dearly and it will be wonderful to have you by my side tonight. Others will see your beauty. (As you say this, you look into her eyes as you put your hands around her waist.) She’s not concerned so much with how she looks but is expressing a need for affirmation. She’s not talking about her dress or hair, but about wanting to know the evening is going to go just fine. You respond to the real message. You can take this one step further, if you like. At some point you might bring up her need for affirmation and talk about that. Ask her is there is anything you can say or do so that need is met. Trust is awareness of the intent beneath the obvious message and responding to that!

4. Believe the other person is competent and capable of handling you and what needs to be said.

I hear this phrase very often: “But, I don’t want to hurt him.” A couple things are at play here. First, she may not have the skill of confronting the other with the truth in a way that brings reconciliation and understanding. She believes truth telling is destructive or entails some sort of drama. Neither is true. The truth is never destructive and can be conveyed in loving ways. (With that said, what we believe to be the truth may indeed be a distorted perception that fits our personal needs.) Or, she may see the other person as a wimp; someone she believes cannot handle rigorous personal confrontation. She doesn’t trust that the other person has the internal strength or stamina or skills to be in a relationship of mutual respect and equality. The other person picks up on this mistrust and does what he does (feigns inadequacy and incompetence) to avoid the personal confrontation as well. A dance is acted out. Believe and know in your heart that the other person, somewhere and somehow, beneath the games, has the internal strength and capacity to handle anything. Such trust builds trust in the other person and begins to pervade the relationship. “Hey, she thinks I can handle this! Hmmmm, this is mighty good! I CAN engage her and be truly intimate!”

5. Be very very careful of keeping secrets. Secrets are never good.

If he knows there is an elephant in the room and doesn’t talk about it, the elephant takes up tremendous space in the relationship. It takes energy for him to walk around it. She may not see the elephant but knows he is bending his neck to look around something. She will be curious, mildly disturbed, have feelings but no words to wrap around them, might wonder if something is wrong with her or struggle with trusting her intuition (her intuition KNOWS an elephant is there.) And, when we can’t trust the messages that come from within us, we find it very difficult to trust the messages of the other person. Secrets demand tremendous energy and erode trust. The relationship is doomed never to experience wall-banging intimacy. This is why extramarital affairs are so damaging. She is not so much concerned about him having sex with someone else as she is about the betrayal, lack of trust, the secrets and deception that are crazy making and energy draining. Now, please. I’m not saying that you sit your partner down and divulge the 23 secrets of your illicit past behaviors. If you have resolved those, i.e. forgiven yourself, understand those behaviors, learned from them and were able to use them to make the internal shifts necessary for your personal development, they do not qualify as an elephant. Hopefully, in the course of growing intimacy in your relationship you may want to share some of those events as you disclose to your partner where you were and where you are now. You do so without emotional charge. However, if a secret takes up room, i.e. still has an emotional charge and holds you back from disclosing more and more of yourself in the growing stages of intimacy, you have a problem that needs to be addressed with your partner.

6. Let YOUR needs be known. Be a little – no, be a lot – self-centered.

(Be self-centered, but not selfish!) Here’s a problem I run into almost every day. He is backing away (perhaps attached to work, another person, etc.). She feels the trust and intimacy eroding, is scared and wants to “win him back.” So she begins an all out effort to “work on the marriage.” She invites him to do so as well. He may reluctantly agree. She blasts full throttle ahead trying to “be nice” and meet every need he ever said he had. She’s going to “fill his tank with goodies.” Doesn’t work. Her eyes are riveted on him. He feels “smothered” or maybe even resentful: “Why is she doing this NOW!” She’s hopeful, but eventually that turns to resentment. Her underlying motive – if I meet his needs, he will feel good and meet mine – just doesn’t work. It’s perceived as manipulation, which it is. Of course, he doesn’t say anything. After all, how do you get angry with someone who is so “nice and caring?” Trust disintegrates under a blanket of quiet niceties. Start with your eyes focused on YOU. What do YOU need? Explore your personal need system. Dig beneath the surface. And then say to him: “I need…x, y and z. I would like to talk to you about them. I would like us to work out a way so my needs are met. Are you open to that?” He is empowered to say yes or no. Or, he may say, “What about my needs?” You respond, “I am very interested in hearing what is important to you, certainly.” Have you ever been around someone who stated clearly what they needed/wanted? Didn’t you respect that person? Because you knew where he stood, and therefore where you stood, didn’t that interaction move toward a trusting relationship?

7. State who YOU are – loudly.

It is very sad to see those in relationships of emotional investment hold back from letting the other person know who they really are. You build trust in a relationship by entrusting your SELF to the other person. This sounds easy but I find it difficult for most to pull off. Most of us have a difficult time declaring our SELF. For one thing, if you’re like most of us, you haven’t given much thought to what it is that makes YOU truly YOU. Don’t you feel like you glide through life on autopilot, focusing on tasks, goals, accomplishments, problems and the external realities? Don’t you tend to focus on those things out there or that person out there? You’re concerned about what he is thinking, how he is responding to you, whether he likes you, whether he will be an obstacle and where he will fit in your life? Your conversations may be pleasant but fairly superficial and bluntly, boringly inane. You converse about things/relationships/events out there. You are reluctant to share your thoughts, values, and impressions or take a stand. This doesn’t destroy trust. But it doesn’t create it either. And, if you do take a stand it may serve the purpose of protecting you or entrenching you as you react against someone. This more often than not creates trust barriers. Take some time to reflect on your standards. What are your standards for a relationship? What standards do you hold for yourself? What do you order your life around? What are the 4 top values in your life? What are some themes that you live by? What are you known for? And then…begin letting significant people in your life know. They will respect you. They will know you more deeply. They will thank you for the opportunity to know you. They will see you as a person of character. They will trust you. They can count on you. They know exactly what is behind and within you.

8. Learn to say NO! Sometimes you need to say NO! Often it is crucial to say NO!

Saying NO sets boundaries around you that protects you from being hurt or venturing into territory that will be destructive to your heart and soul. You draw a line. You stop tolerating that which drains energy and makes you less than YOU. You refuse to allow the destructive behaviors of others to destroy you. You build a moat around the core of your life. You do this by informing the other person of what they are doing. You request they stop. If they don’t stop, you demand they stop. If they don’t stop you walk away without a snide remark, eye-roll or comment. To some this seems harsh, but saying NO is RESPECTED. Fear is the basis of mistrust. If you fear that someone will hurt you and believe you have no recourse but to endure that hurt, fear will prevail. How can you trust when you are in fear? Saying NO, protecting yourself, sends a message to the other person that you will not live in fear. This usually triggers a response of respect from the other person. After all, if you can protect yourself and refuse subjugation to that which is destructive, will not the other person come to trust you and see you as a person who just might protect him/her from harm as well?

9. Practice Calmness. Charge Neutral.

When your significant other expresses something powerfully, charge neutral. Most of us are afraid of strong feelings or points of contention in a relationship. I commonly hear people respond by defending themselves (to a perceived attack), explaining themselves, counter-attacking, shutting down, or walking away. Of course, the relationship remains stuck in mistrust and fear. Rather than reacting and having your feelings flowing all over the place or shutting down, practice charging neutral. Communicate calmness, not only in your tone of voice but also in how you carry your body. Don’t speak with a charge to your voice. Control your voice! Say what you must say, state the truth and do it directly and calmly. You can do this, once you master your fears. It will dramatically change the flow of the relationship. You will be able to point out something big, without making a big deal out of it. You will be in control of you. This not only feels great, but your partner trusts that you won’t fly or fall apart. You will experience your personal power. This makes you very attractive. Don’t people really trust someone who knows their personal power and how to use it for the welfare of themselves and others? Your partner will love the fact that she can trust you consistently to operate from your “quiet center,” remain engaged, not back down and speak the truth with conviction and calmness.

10. Go beyond the surface. Dig into the dirt.

Relationships of emotional investment, by their nature, bring trials, tribulations, fears, chaos, turmoil, change, stretching and growth. They become the grist from which your life is shaped and formed. Be fearless when faced with turmoil, upset, crisis, questions, and fears. When the time is right, seek them out. Move toward the frightening unknown. Dig into the dirt of your relationship and uncover the treasures. Do you really TRUST that this can happen? The purpose of your relationship is not to make you happy. Do you realize this? Happiness may be an outcome, but your other is given to you to move you to where you really want to be. Obstacles, trials and moments of pain are given as lessons on which you intentionally write the script of your life individually and together. Embrace the difficult. Trust that in this embracing you will find more of your true self. Trust that you are given the resources and capacity to face what you and your significant other are to face. Once you are able to believe and trust these ultimate purposes, trusting your significant other will be that much more easy.

Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at Breakfreefromtheaffair.com.

Fellas Play Your Part In Preventing Relationship Failure

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By Cucan Pemo

It takes a long time to build a relationship. But it does not take long to destroy it. In fact, the cycle of failure needs no pushing; it gathers its own momentum. And once it does so, it becomes very difficult to stop it or put it in reverse gear.

The important thing is to stop the cycle of failure from moving on its own. This can only be done if the two partners realize what’s happening. One of them has to step forward, and stop the relationship from cracking.

Often it is men who are responsible for the emerging cracks in a relationship. This happens when they are overambitious or move up the ladder. They get so obsessed with their work that they forget their spouses. The distances increase, and a rift develops.

A relationship may also get affected if the man enters into another relationship. By doing so, he only makes life difficult for himself. The more he tries to hide his new relationship the more he complicates things.

There may be several other reasons for relationship failure but their effect invariably is the same.

Early signs of relationship failure

The first signs of a relationship that is in trouble are:

1. Man spending less time with his partner
2. A sharp spurt in arguments and quarrels over inconsequential issues
3. A gradual erosion of trust in each other
4. Sharp drop in lovemaking and sex life
5. Both start finding fault in each other.

How can men transform a breaking relationship

It is important for men to notice the growing signs of rift and disaffection. They cannot continue to live in their own world and allow a loving relationship to fall apart. The best is to act early and limit the damage.

This requires some introspection. The men first need to understand why the relationship has run into rough weather. Why is it that their spouse has become so touchy? Is it because they have started taking their spouse for granted? This happens in most relationships. The man gets so involved in his work that he forgets that his spouse altogether.

Things reach such a pass that a man has to make notes in his appointment diary of the lunch or dinner dates he needs to keep free for his wife. The spontaeniety that first characterized their relationship vanishes. The wife has to wait for her husband to find time for her. This leads to first boredom, then anger and then depression. In some cases, it may even force women to find another relationship that can keep them occupied. The man must act before this happens.

The cancer of suspicion
In many cases the relationship is torn by suspicion. The woman may have reason to believe that her man is carrying on with someone else. In some cases, it may only be suspicion. But in some cases, a flirtation can become a dangerous extra-marital relationship.

The man has to assure his wife that there is no other woman in his life. He cannot allow an extra-marital affair to come in the way of a long and happy relationship. He has to break off any ties that he may have developed if he has to save his relationship.

He will also have to show remorse at what he did. He will have to bend and beg forgiveness. More than that, he will have to assure his wife that this will not happen again. He will be lucky if he is forgiven. He can surely anticipate the chill to continue for some more time. It is for him to ensure that he wins his wife’s affection again.

In case, the chill is the result of suspicion alone then the man must demand an explanation. However, he should do with finesse. There is no reason why he should put his wife on the back foot. He is not settling scores or avenging a hurt. He is trying to rebuild trust in the relationship. He therefore needs to clear the air of any misgivings that his wife may have started entertaining. At the same time, he must start devoting more time to her.

Don’t forget respect

No relationship can be complete unless both the partners trust each other. They also need to treat each other with respect. In fact, mutual respect is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Any man who runs his woman down can never expect the relationship to last.

The man must create space within which the woman must feel comfortable. She must not be made to feel small in front of friends or children. The man must convey his points deftly without hurting a woman’s pride. He must also listen to her with full courtesy and seriousness. This alone can save many a relationship.

How To Reignite The Fire In Your Marriage

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By Eric Dunbar

Do you remember the day you recited your wedding vows? It was without a doubt one of, if not the happiest and most memorable days of your life. But something has begun to change and you’ve noticed that the flame of your romance is not as hot as it was then, and because the light has grown dim you’re having a bit of trouble reading the rules of maintaining a good healthy romantic relationship in your marriage.

Here’s how you can relight that ever so important fire of romance that once fueled the marriage bond between your spouse and you. But before you strike the match you must settle in your mind that men and women are build quite differently. Men are by nature protectors and providers and are built to respond to logic before emotion, and women on the other hand, are concerned more with details than logic. Here’s what I mean:

If I were to call my friend John to confirm an appointment on Thursday of next week, as soon as John answers the phone I would go straight to the point which is, “Are we still on for our appointment on next Thursday?” But if Sandra were to make the same call to her friend Marcy, she would more than likely ask about each of her three children and her husband Michael before finally getting down to the reason for her call, which is to confirm their appointment for next Thursday.

So starting with the men, here are some simple rules you might want to adapt in your marriage that could yield surprising results.

Listen

Although it is not the biggest problem in failing relationships, listening is certainly worthy of being called one of the biggest problems of most failing relationships. This simply means that at least one of the people in the relationship is not very good at listening. Most often it is the man – and even if it is the woman who has a problem with listening, men, you know we’re the ones who get labeled for not listening. So you might as well learn the art of being a good listener. Here’s how:

Now as a male I can tell you that listening can sometimes be the most difficult and challenging of challenges in a marriage and this is why I refer to listening as an art. Fellas, it is extremely important that you learn how to listen to your wife when she is conversing with you. This is one of the ways she vents the frustration of her trouble filled day. She simply wants to be heard. You either listen to the frustration or become an addition to the things that are frustrating her.

As I said, listening is an art, and art takes time to perfect. The key to being a good listener is in the mindset of the listener. You should listen not only to hear what your wife is saying, but listen to understand what she is saying. Even if what she is saying is not important to you at the moment, in time it will become useful information, trust me on this.

Don’t Forget the Gifts!

Sometimes we get so overwhelmed with the everyday struggles of life until we often forget the little things that give so much meaning to our lives. Growing up as a child I remember the many gifts that my parents gave to me, but looking back, the big, expensive gifts are not as memorable as the little, seemingly insignificant ones. Like the time my parents gave me a pencil with the words “genius” inscribed on it because the kids in my 3rd grade class called me stupid. Every time I felt stupid, I pulled that pencil from my book bag and I felt like a genius.

One good way to light a romantic fire is to stop on your way home from work and buy your wife a gift, any kind of gift. It doesn’t have to be a diamond ring, although that would be a nice gift if you could afford it. Your gift could simply be it a card or some chocolates – but not the chocolates – you might get blamed later for the extra weight gain (just kidding ladies!). Gifts of any kind are always romantic, and bringing home a gift is one of the kindest gestures that a man could make to his wife. The gift, no matter what it is, simply says to your wife, “I’ve been thinking about you”. Just remember men, romance starts with a thought.

Here are two well appreciated gifts that will rekindle that romantic fire:

Cleaning the kitchen – It has been said that romance begins in the kitchen. Fellas this does not necessarily apply to fondling your wife in the kitchen. Have you ever considered cleaning the kitchen every now and then? Such action will let you spouse know that you care about the daily events of her life and you really appreciate the hard work that she contributes to the family.

Time alone – Giving the gift of spending time alone should be utilized by both spouses. Both husbands and wives need time alone and allowing your spouse to spend time alone on a regular basis is a thoughtful gift that will not go unrecognized. This is certainly one gift that will do a lot for strengthening your marriage. All too often partners in a marriage are not afforded quality time alone to do things that they each want to do for themselves. This should not only be included on your gift list but it should be added to your list of things to do to keep the romantic fire burning in your marriage.

Now it’s your turn ladies!

We have just learned that the display of love and affection is at the top of your list of the beginning of a romantic encounter, but what about your husband? What is the principle motivating factor that ignites his furnace of romance?

Appeal

Contrary to what you believe, men are romantic too. They’re just slower starters than women, but once you get your man rolling, he’s sure to sweep you off your feet the way he did before you were married.

To begin with, just about any woman you ask would say that men are predictable. Although men are capable of dealing with several projects in their thought process at one time, when it comes to their spouses they think singular. For example, what women call romance, men interpret as sex. So ladies, just how do you get your husband to be that romantic guy that you married in a way that pleases both you and him?

For starters, try going back to the time in your relationship before your glorious wedding day, to the time when you were dating. Do you remember the walks in the park, dates to the movies and to dinner?

Then remember this: the things that made for a good romantic beginning are the same things that you’ve got to do to keep that romantic flame burning. Try holding your husband’s hand when you walk through the mall the way you used to; spend more time together, alone, like you did before the kids were born, and you’ll be amazed at how romantic he can be.

Respect

Now here’s a word that irritates a lot of married women, but respect is somewhat of a missing element in many of today’s marriages. Women are driven by love whereas men are driven by respect.

To a lot of women the very mention of the word respect is like a dirty word. The perception of respect that many women have been taught is that it has to do with being subservient to men. But respect does not mean that you have to bow down to your husband, it simply means that you should value his role of leadership and position of strength in the marriage. Respect him now, and he will romanticize you later.

To sum it all up for both men and women romance has nothing to do with sex, but it has everything to do with the moments before sex. To women romance is emotional; to men it is interpreted as sex. But even the sex is better when you give it your all.

Romance… what a beautiful thing!

Eric Dunbar is the owner and editor of Golden Entrepreneur, where you will find online business tips, articles and great software tools to grow your online business.

Your Word Is Your Bond Rings True in Relationships Too

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by Teresa Marita McGuire

How many times has your lover told you something that he or she failed to deliver? Is there no follow through on even the most simple things like showing up for a date, or taking out the trash as promised? Even when he or she knows how important the promise is to you.

Words without action can kill a relationship. It can cost you to lose respect for the one you love, and eventually cost you your marriage. I encourage us all to commit to our words and deeply listen when we are called on our shortcomings. Your mate will be delighted when you keep your promise and your relationship will grow with honesty and trust.

Your word is your bond. I hear such joy in my friend’s voice when she talks about her new boyfriend who “calls when he says he’s going to call.” And if he’s running late he calls soon after the intended time and apologizes even though she understands and doesn’t think it’s necessary.

On the flip side, I hear disappointment and hurt in a dear friend’s voice because her boyfriend continues to say one thing and sometimes do the opposite, seemingly oblivious to her expressions of how it makes her feel.

Disappointment and hurt can be minimized as couples make the effort to complete what they promise. Better yet, think long and hard before you say you are going to do anything because it is unacceptable to shrug it off when you let someone down. I don’t remember the first time my ex-husband broke a promise to me, but I remember the day he nonchalantly came home hours late to take me out for my birthday. He didn’t understand why I was bothered because he didn’t call to say our plans were changing. All he said when he walked through the door was “I’ll make it up to you.”

That became the famous line I would hear when his word was not his bond. That line was never fulfilled, just as his original words became void. After a while, it becomes clear that a person with empty words lacks the substance to sustain a healthy and loving relationship. When we peel back the layers and think rationally, we realize what may have been obvious all along. So, let’s commit to keeping our word once it is given and to valuing those we love. Don’t stop communicating with honest commitment to the one you love.

 

Teresa Marita McGuire was born to write. She grew up in Memphis, Tennessee writing birthday cards for family and poetry for her favorite baseball team, the St. Louis Cardinals. She embraced writing as a gift when her 5th-grade book about a “fuzzy wuzzy” mouse was displayed in the school library. Teresa fell in love with poetry after the Cardinals responded to her poems by sending glossy team photos.

She received a B. A. in Journalism from the University of Memphis and became an intern at the city’s morning daily. A former media representative at her alma mater, Teresa is the self-published author of My Soul Speaks Poems about Love, a book of inspirational poetry sprinkled with magical, honest and fun love stories that make hearts twirl. She is a professional school counselor who writes from the heart to remind men and women that real love does exist.

A Plea To Black Women: Do Not Block Your Son From Seeing His Father

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Dr. Rosie Milligan

Boys need fathers in their lives. I am making a plea to African-American fathers to be active participants in the lives of their sons; and for African-American women to assist these fathers in the transition of their reentering the lives of their sons.

Most every ill that plagues the Black male child is mostly related to fatherlessness. Having a father as a role model and teacher is critical for a male child. The male who understands this best is the male child whose father was present, and participated, in his life. Unfortunately, for many Black males, they have not had the experience of having a father role model. A male child who did not have his father present can not relate to the critical differences it makes, for he has no comparison to make. Therefore, it becomes easy for him, as an adult, to abandon his son; especially, when it becomes a challenge to be a part of his life.

In addition, I believe that we must revisit history as we examine the family structure of Blacks in America. An absentee father was the norm for the African-American family. Families were separated by force! Slavery severely impacted the lives of the Black family. Considering the fact that our physical exodus from slavery has only been 140 years, that’s not a long time, and we are still experiencing its effects.

Blacks were forced to produce offsprings, not for themselves, but for their master’s economic gain. Today, Blacks are not forced to produce babies; however, because of the residual effect of slavery on the Black family, their offsprings continue to be an economic product for the modern-day master called PRISON. Today, in 2005, Black males in prison are paid less for their labor than they were paid 140 years ago.

Black men were not socialized as other men, that is, to be accountable or responsible for his family. In order to understand why the Black man and Black woman are having such challenges in their relationships, you must understand how their experience and living conditions in America have impacted their lives and the lives of their family.

When a Black family needed assistance from Social Services programs, the father had to remove himself from the family in order for his wife and children to get assistance. Black men have a long way to go to get back to their African roots of being a provider and protector. Black men have come a long way, and they will get back to their God-Created-Nature, with the help of God, Almighty, and with the understanding of their past.

It is the responsibility of the father to help provide for his child. And providing entails more than financial provisions. I’m pleading with women, to not prevent the father from being a part of his son’s life because of the father’s inability to support financially. A male child needs his father in his life, and the woman only hurts her son(s) when she tries to prevent them from having a father-son relationship. The many ills of Black men are inevitably traced to their Fatherlessness.

Most Black men really want to be with their families and children. What they need is someone to be a father-like figure for them. A Black man needs guidance. Most of them are trying to be something or somebody that they have never seen or experienced, and must be taught that. The womans ideal of what a man is supposed to be is distorted because she too has not experience a father in her life.

You see, a father is a role model for his son and a father gives definition to his daughter as to what a man is. A mother is a role model for her daughter and she gives definition to her son as to what a woman is. 70% of Black households are headed and ran by a female with the father most times being totally out of the picture. The sons and daughters are both confused about male/female responsibility.

Many men are not allowed to have relationships with their children. If these men are allowed to participate in their childrens lives, it must be on the woman’s terms only. When it becomes unbearable, he leaves the woman and the child behind. The real victim is the child.

There are some things that a man needs to teach his son, such as: how to bathe and clean his genital area, how to shop for clothing, how to choose his friends, how to respect himself, how to drive an automobile, how to resolve conflicts, how to fight, how to avoid a fight, how to play sports. I am not casting blame on the Black woman. I am only pointing out the facts that are hindering the progress of the Black family. I believe that if we could get a perspective of the Black man, as related to who he was before coming to America and what America has made him become, then we would have a better understanding of our family dynamics and we can embrace each other and begin to value ourselves and our children again.

*Editorial Note* While the above piece cites data from 2005, the essence of the message still remains an unfortunate truth.

Dr. Rosie Milligan, Counselor/Author: Author of Negroes, Colored People, Black, African-Americans in America, Satisfying The Black Man Sexually, Satisfying The Black Woman Sexually and Why Black Men Choose White Women.
For more information from Dr. Rosie you can visit: http://www.Drrosie.com/

How To Turn On Your Relationship Motivation Switch?

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The below article is speaking about stirring up that motivation in any area of your life.  We felt like it would be appropriate for this forum because many folks come to us wanting to change their behaviors and feelings in their relationships but DON’T FEEL like doing it.  They don’t feel like saying I’m sorry, they don’t feel like holding hands, they don’t feel like sleeping in the same bed, they don’t feel like talking about emotional stuff.  They’re not motivated to do any of that because all of that seems wayyy to much like work.  Well check out the below article and let us know what you think.  Sometimes all it takes is you doing the little things….to build that big momentum.

by Russel C Smith & Michael Foster from Psychology Today.

We all have one. Sometimes it gets stuck in the off position, or jammed up in some other way. But what is it? The switch that turns on our motivation.

Days may pass, or sometimes months, before a clear and aligned motivation to create, change, or grow in a defined area of your life returns. You wonder why your motivation went away, and you’re not sure how to get it back.

Motivation has to be there in the background, to help us accomplish daily tasks and big picture goals. Most of us do want to create a better life for ourselves, our friends, family, community, and even the world. Without personal motivation as part of our operating system, even the simplest takes seem daunting and undoable.

While getting unstuck might take some work, the good news is that motivation responds to meaningful questions. Is this worth doing? Why are we moving ahead with this plan? Should we refocus and look at our project from another angle? Why am I stuck in the same process, and not asking for outside encouragement and ideas?

As we get older and more set in our habits, we may become less willing to be open to outside influences. We like to feel as if we’re in control. But letting go and being open to new ideas is one of the proven ways to regain motivation and direction. Even if you disagree with the ideas presented, you are getting valuable feedback that tells you how strongly you feel about what was holding you back in your stuck state. 

Let’s say you want to lose weight, as many people do in our society. Visualizing an idealized, more muscular body will only go so far. You have to change eating habits and either hit the gym or start your own focused daily exercise routine. At least one of your internal voices will begin playing the excuses tape, reminding you how good ice cream tastes, and how much less effort it’ll take to watch the rest of Season 2 of House of Cards.

Luckily, a more motivated voice in your head will remind you that you can watch the latest Ted Talks online at your gym, and can work out your body and mind simultaneously. The digital world we inhabit can get us over the unmotivated hump in the middle of our week. 

Sense memories coupled with habits are powerful things. Once you have one positive experience doing a daily workout, you want to experience the next one, and the next. Changing ingrained habits isn’t easy, or there wouldn’t be entire industries built up around weight loss, business reinvention, or even motivational speaking.

What holds us back, and prevents us from turning on the motivation switch? Sometimes we have to find ourselves in the place where motivation is completely absent, and find our way back to a place of curiosity and meaning. Any type of change activates dormant regions of our brain. When we experience a sudden dramatic shift, even a positive one, we move out of our comfort zone and into uncharted territory. We have to be ready to change what we want to change, and feel good going through the process it’ll take to make the change stick. The trick is to become motivated enough to embrace the big change, or even a series of small shifts, and be willing to truly change our minds, and in the process our lives.

It Takes Courage To Have A Great Relationship

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It’s no secret……RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD WORK.  It’s impossible to have a good or great relationship without being intentional about doing the hard work required to make your relationship successful.  We work with a number of couples who passionately say they want transformation, renewal, and a fresh beginning BUT when they’re challenged to confront what’s required to have those things….well let’s just say their action doesn’t meet their passion. Most of the folks that we work with can have that sense of restoration in their relationship but it’s gonna require one major component…..COURAGE.  If you don’t have it…the love you desire won’t happen.  Listen in to this video to get a better understanding of why courage is so important.  If you would like to work with Ayize and Aiyana around this courage piece or any other thing that may be blocking the blessings of your relationship.  CLICK HERE. We’ll be happy to walk with you on your journey.