By Philip Wakefield A man is most vulnerable during the first few years of his life because he’s entirely dependent on his parents. Innocent and helpless, without prior knowledge and experience to make him stand on his own feet – literally and figuratively – he has no recourse but to lean on his parents. In some ways, a marriage can be exactly like that. In its early stages, a marriage has no years of togetherness to rely on in times of trouble. In its early stages, a marriage likewise has no recourse but to depend on the couple’s relationship in order to survive. For a couple to manage the early stages of their marriage with their love and trust for each other still intact, they must be willing to make the following sacrifices. Priorities – A person’s priorities will always have to be adjusted, even in the smallest of ways, when he becomes part of a marriage. For a marriage to last, both persons involved must make a real effort to show each other and the rest of the world if possible that their marriage is important to them, important enough to become one of the top priorities in their lives. Time – And because the success of your marriage is now a priority, it’s naturally expected that you spend enough time solidifying the foundations of your marriage. This means spending enough time with each other, doing things together and being there for each other. If it’s your wife’s birthday, surely it ranks higher than attending the monthly meeting of your Hotwheels Die Cast Car Association, right? Likewise, if your husband is inviting you to spend one whole day with him fishing, surely the exclusive company of your husband for 24 hours is enough to give up a day spent shopping. Money – Although this is a sacrifice that doesn’t affect all marriages, if and when it does become a factor in your marriage, remember that you married each other for better or for worse and for richer or for poorer. Pride – A marriage can only work if both man and woman works together and not against each other. That also means not letting pride rule your actions. Pride can be a very good instigator of fights and blowing things out of proportion. Don’t let this happen especially in the early stages of marriages because you might not be able to undo the damage later on. And lastly, remember to pray. Even if you’re agnostic, surely praying wouldn’t hurt?
In our relationship education classes we teach the necessity for each individual to bring their uniqueness to the relationship in order to create a healthy and strong bond. Your individuality is important. When you fail to honor it your fullest potential won’t be realized which consequently prevents your relationship from being as strong as it could be. With that being said…your individuality is not the only reality of a relationship. In order to relate to someone you have to take the other person into consideration. This is where many people have problems. It’s difficult to balance who you are with what your relationship is. The difficulty of juggling the two dynamics often plays out when it comes to privacy issues. In the below article from AOL BlackVoices a closer look is taken at individuality and privacy and when it could pose a problem in relationships.
By Shirea L. Carroll
With a committed relationship, you’re often expected to share your fears, your goals, your money, your home, your hopes and basically your life with your partner. However, why do people get so hesitant when their partner asks them to divulge something like their email password?
For some of us, privacy in a relationship is a big deal. No wait, a really big deal. Those who don’t understand the need for privacy in a relationship, are often labeled as the person with “trust issues,” and the person that needs the privacy automatically viewed as if they have something to hide. In actuality, the concept of ‘yours vs. mine,’ in a relationship is delicate, and very situational.
Privacy, or lack thereof, isn’t always a matter of trust, but can also be attributed to ego, experiences, the people involved in the relationship, the length of the commitment, and what one may or may not consider private. You can’t force someone who was raised as an only child to be more open to their mate who was raised in a family of seven, and given little to no privacy at all. Nor can tell a woman who has had an ex-boyfriend that has scammed her in the past to be less private with her bank account info — even if she loves you dearly.
You can try and sugar coat it, but shutting a person out of an aspect of your life is what privacy means. In order to avoid confusion or conflict, you should do your best to get on the same page with your partner regarding the privacy in your relationship. If you are the person who is quick to give, “If there is nothing to hide,” speech like the national anthem, then a secretive person might not be the most ideal match for you in a relationship. Sadly, many of us don’t put enough emphasis on issues of privacy within a relationship and find their views differ from their partner.
Whether or not privacy should exist in relationship can only be answered when the couple sets boundaries, revises those boundaries after time, clearly communicate, and respect each other. Ultimately, both people need to stay sane for the relationship to work. Check out the most common scenarios where privacy often comes up as an issue and when the want for privacy should be red flagged.
Separate Bank Accounts
RED FLAG IT: If you never knew the account existed, or the person refuses to start a joint account. As long as you are aware there is one, then there’s no need to keep harassing the bank teller every Friday try and add your name to the account.
Cell Phone Password
RED FLAG IT: If a separate situation regarding trust occurs and the cell becomes the only evidence to determine the truth, and the person still adamantly refuses to share the password. Until then don’t go trying different combinations until you reach the max for retries, resetting their whole damn device.
Email/Social Networking Passwords
RED FLAG IT: If every time you walk in the room to walk past the computer they are minimizing windows or ready to shut the computer down. *side eye*
Purses and Wallets
RED FLAG IT: If she tells you that you are to NEVER to go through her purse, but she goes through your wallet or briefcase all the time. Double standards aren’t establishing fair boundaries.
Special Rooms and Sections In The Home
RED FLAG IT: If your partner starts putting special bolts and locks on certain rooms and drawers — which you had access to before — to ensure you never go in them. A random need for privacy is a valid eyebrow raiser.
RED FLAG IT: If they are hesitant to tell you details about the destination, who they are traveling with, or how long they plan to stay. Don’t let him tell you that he’s going to Puerto Rico and bring back shot glasses that say Montego Bay.
RED FLAG IT: When looking through photos together, they want to skip through certain pics, or there are events and people in the camera that never made their way into day-to-day conversation. “I know we been together for eight years and I said I only had three sisters, but the guy on the left is LIKE a brother to me…”
This should always remain private. Reading a person’s journal gives you access to a person’s inner most thoughts, and it’s never fair to invade this level of privacy.
RED FLAG IT: If you can’t remember when they got an American Express Card, or why they are getting Sprint phone bills while they currently use a Verizon cell phone.
By Abbas Abedi
When it comes to dating and romance there are some misconceptions, and some of them are really whoppers. We hate to say it, but the biggest bloopers in dating and romance are generally made by men who have big misconceptions about what their women want in the way of romance.
Here are the ten biggest romance misconceptions:
1. Sex and romance are one and the same. Romance can and does lead to sex, of course, but to assume that the sex act is a romantic encounter just because it happens couldn’t be farther from the truth. People can have sex and not connect on a personal level at all. In fact, it happens far too often.
2. It’s not important in a long term relationship. “She knows I love her. I’m here, aren’t I?” With that attitude, perhaps not for long. Romance must continue throughout the entire relationship or the love and the relationship will die.
3. It’s expensive to show romance in a relationship. What a misconception. How expensive is a walk in the park, a walk on the beach under the moonlight, a dance in the living room, or a love poem you wrote yourself and left for your loved one to find? It’s in fact often the least expensive romantic gesture and the one that came from your own hands, your own mind and your own heart that are the most romantic. Thinking otherwise is a big misconception.
4. You determine what romance looks and feels like for your woman. This couldn’t be further from the truth. You can’t romance your woman unless you understand your woman. One of the best ways to understand your woman is to talk with your woman and ask her what romance looks and feels like for her.
5. All women are romantics and no men are is one of the biggest misconceptions. As with any other attitude, desire, or practice, people are individuals. Our sexist society has given men the message that being romantic is not being macho and not being macho is the kiss of manly death. Nothing could be further from the truth. A romantic man is one that is confident enough in himself that he can show his true feelings. A romantic man is loving, considerate and a good listener. Romance must come from both mates or it will not flourish.
6. Giving candy and flowers can heal all wounds. That is a common misconception about romance. The gesture of taking the time to choose just the right bouquet and just the right vase, or the kind of chocolates you know are her favorite can mean a lot, but trying to heal a bad wound that you’ve created by calling a florist, whipping out your credit card and having someone else deliver what it took you all of two minutes to decide on is not going to be much of anything except an empty gesture. Personalization, effort, knowing your mate and caring what he or she likes, wants or needs – those are romantic gestures. If flowers and candy are the answer, so be it. Far too often they really aren’t.
The last four of the 10 biggest misconceptions about romance are:
7. There are romantic people and there are those that aren’t and neither can change.
8. You have to do a lot of preparatory work to be romantic.
9. The words “I love you” are enough and make everything else right.
10.Remembering her on Valentine’s Day, birthday and Christmas are enough romance.
By Lauri Przybysz
Most people have been raised to expect that certain jobs are done primarily by one sex or the other. Despite these stereotypes job assignments aren’t written in stone. Many couples shift their roles and responsibilities several times throughout the years of their marriage. Is it time for some job reclassification in your marriage?
The issue may be more serious than you think. One of the main causes of domestic problems is domestic – as in, housework. Who picks up the used newspapers? Who takes out the trash? Who will empty the dishwasher? Who walks the dog? Sound familiar? Neil Chethik polled 300 husbands across the age spectrum for his book, VoiceMale: What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework and Commitment (Simon and Schuster, 2006). “Housework showed up right after money as the top issue of discord,” he said. “It was higher on the list than sex, higher than raising the children, ahead of every other issue you can name.” In other words, couples can build a happier marriage by finding better ways to share the mundane tasks of their life together.
Sometimes a wife clings to more than her share of the housework out of a need to meet the expectations – real or imagined – of her mother or friends. Even if her husband is willing, the quality of his help leaves something to be desired, in her mind. Or if a man prides himself in a spotless car, the way his dad always did, he may be against letting his wife take on that task.
Blending our two worlds and creating a partnership of life and love sometimes comes down to changing how we wash the dishes, make the bed, or store the groceries. We can let go of our idea of perfection in order to accept the help of our spouse. Sharing tasks means more time at the end of the day for us to appreciate each other. It is about making our relationship a priority.
Love is all you need.
That’s what people say….
Yeah, I suppose that is true.
Love is all you need
the ability to put someone else first
the ability to make room for the possibility that you just might be wrong
the willingness to make room for the possibility that you might be right but it doesn’t matter
the desire to grow
the humility to know that you don’t know it all
the wisdom to know that Love ain’t enough all by itself.
By K.S. Louman
There is no misconception that marriage is easy. Most people know that marriage takes a lot of work, and like any relationship, it evolves – developing a deeper understanding of one another. This evolution of your relationship also creates new challenges – including many bad habits which, if you can identify and avoid, can be easily overcome. Read below for some common bad habits people develop in their marriage, and what potential they can have to ruin your relationship.
#1 Falling into a Routine Just because you are married doesn’t mean you don’t have to try to impress each other anymore. Getting into a routine sometimes means only doing nice things for each other on special occasions like birthdays and Valentine’s Day. Get out of that routine – you should be reminding your spouse of why they fell in love with you, not making them wish you acted more like you did when you were dating.
#2 Avoiding Conflicts Every marriage will have its conflicts and disagreements. But trying to avoid a fight doesn’t make the problem go away, and in fact, it makes it worse by leaving it unresolved. Learn to discuss problems constructively and deal with them in a productive way. Nagging, yelling, and ignoring are not solutions and will only make matters worse. Bring up issues before they get to be serious problems and you may be able to resolve them sooner and with less conflict.
#3 Getting too Comfortable One of the great things about marriage is that you can be yourself and know that your spouse loves you for it. Your days of nervous dating and “do they like me?” are over and aren’t you relieved! However, there is such a thing as being too comfortable. Burping at dinner, leaving dirty laundry around and basically acting like you live with a college roommate instead of your spouse can lead to a serious decline in romance. Be comfortable with your spouse, but also be courteous, considerate and clean.
#4 No Sex One of the main bad habits people fall into in marriage is the lack of a healthy, active sex life. Time consuming work, children, and a boring routine can kill a libido – and have a devastating effect on your relationship. Keep it exciting, even if it means scheduling romantic time together. You’ll both be glad you did.
#5 No Fun Marriage should be fun, not boring or stressful. Be spontaneous! Surprise your spouse after work with tickets to a movie and a nice dinner. Take a weekend trip even if it is just a bed and breakfast an hour away. Having fun doesn’t mean spending lots of time or money. There is no reason that you can’t manage a few hours a week for recreation together. Making time to have fun and relax makes a huge difference in easing a potentially stressful and unromantic marriage.
Like all habits, some are hard to break. If you have found that your marriage has developed these habits, it’s best to talk to your spouse about them and discuss ways that you can both work to revive your marriage and break them together. Maybe you can even start to develop exciting and new healthy habits in your relationship.
K.S. Louman writes relationship advice for www.marriagemax.com. For more information on how to keep your marriage in good shape and overcome bad habits that you may have developed, please visit www.marriagemax.com.
By Ruth Purple
Jealousy can be sweet when it’s done in a minimum level. It can make you feel secure, or even attractive. But when jealousy hits the top of the scale, you better hold on tight for a chaotic and emotional roller coaster ride. It’s because dealing with a jealous partner can be emotionally and mentally draining.
Yes, without a doubt, an overly jealous partner may and be your own personal poltergeist; they can drain you in seconds like a vampire. Thus an exceedingly jealous lover can be intolerable, intrusive, irritating, and of course, annoying — to say the least. But take heed of these people, handling an overly jealous partner is an “ART”.
But first of all, you “Need” to understand what jealousy is all about. So let’s take a brief tour along definition lane — Chronic jealousy is often caused by fear of being left alone or being betrayed. This simply means that jealous individuals usually have trust issues. They have anxious-ambivalent style of attachment.
And the major influence of this attachment is rooted from their childhood. People with this kind of attachment are usually brought up by inconsistent or too protective caregivers, and as a result, they become anxious-ambivalent adults. These people tend to constantly worry about their love life. They need and crave for intimacy; results are, they never stop doubting and questioning their partner’s feelings towards them.
Ironically, the exceedingly jealous individuals behave in a ways that would make their fears real. That’s because when a lover is overwhelmed with jealousy, he or she behaves in a manipulative and controlling manner. Now when a partner behaves in this manner, the natural response is to pull back, be defensive and avert one’s independence.
And this response unfortunately involves secrecy and duplicity. This is an unproductive way of dealing with jealous partners because it will only infuriate them. The productive way of dealing with it is through communication. Talk to your partner about his or her fears. Ask them what makes him or her very anxious about your relationship? Most of all give them the “Ministry of Listening” All of us love attention, right? My advice is, give it to them.
Never be defensive and never argue, and never dismiss his or her jealousy as well. With regards to what you utter, do be cautious of these –“You’re a paranoid! Where the hell did you get that idea?” or “I am not that kind of person! I don’t flirt around! You’re crazy!” These are detrimental to your relationship.
It will not solve your problems. This will only make the jealousy more intense and will make your overly jealous partner alone and misunderstood. But if you get to make him or her talk about feelings of jealousy then you are heading somewhere productive. Be responsive and show to your jealous lover that you can be counted on.
This is where the challenge comes, because a partner with too much jealousy in them can be very persistent and difficult to understand, but if you have faith that both of you can overcome this phase in your relationship then eventually and hopefully everything will fall into place. Another relationship advice in dealing with a jealous partner is to give and show reassurance.
Always remind him or her that your love is true and you are very serious and committed with your relationship. Of course when your partner’s jealousy still dominates your relationship after following these advices then it’s time to take it slow. You can only do so much. There are things that you cannot change or control; after all we all have our limitations.
Insecurity and jealousy are personal issues that your partner needs to overcome within themselves. Remind you partner that if jealousy continues to dictate their every actions or emotions; they are actually depriving themselves the love and happiness that your relationship has to offer.
Ruth Purple is a successful relationship coach. She invites you to visit :
VIDEO: What do you feel when you ponder the idea of being with your partner forever? Is there overwhelming excitement or are you muddled in misery? This question is designed to give you a gut check…so take a second to check in with yourself and see how you really feel about ya’ll.
By Irina Tveritina
It is very discouraging to see the number of failed marriages in the world today. Most divorces are very messy and are very traumatic for the people involved.
There are 4 C’s that can help you to save your marriage today:
We will take a look at each one of these to see how they can benefit your marriage today.
These things are easily obtained and make up the ingredients for a successful relationship.
Communication is an essential tool for any relationship. Open and honest communication is required for a relationship to have a good foundation. Communication skills can actually prevent a lot of problems that many marriages face. Communication is much more than what we speak. Communication is mostly about listening. The more we learn to listen to what our partner is saying the more we are allowing communication to be a positive force in the relationship. Communication is also about body language. Often it is not what we say but how we say it and our body language is all about how we say it. Body language often speaks louder than the words we say.
Compromise is something you learn to do and you learn to do it by simply doing it. Making decisions within the relationship that is mutually acceptable is compromise working at its best. Self centered behavior has not room in a marriage or relationship. When it comes to your partnership you should prefer your partner’s wishes. When both partners demonstrate compromises both get their fair share of the work, joys, fulfillment and satisfaction that the relationship can bring.
To accomplish anything in life it takes commitment and marriage is no different. Marriage vows are built upon commitment. This is the foundation upon which the relationship must be built. Without commitment it is like buying a car and driving it until the gas is gone and then sending the car to the junk yard because it doesn’t go anymore. The car was perfectly fine it just needed to be filled with gas. Your marriage may get to where it isn’t going anywhere but it is not time to go to divorce court. It is time to make sure it is filled with commitment and then you can take your relationship to the next level.
Counseling is necessary in some situations to assure the marriage is given the best opportunity to survive some of the challenges that can occur. If you see signs of trouble in your marriage getting counseling is a step you should consider to help save your marriage.
You can see more of Irina’s work at http://www.ForeverYouAndMe.co.uk
If only my husband could really understand how he makes me feel. He has such power….such an immeasurable and amazing ability to touch parts of me that I didn’t even know existed. If only he could feel just a tenth of how he makes me feel when he takes the time to do the simple small things like add the word “love” to the end of “I’m sorry” or “Are you ok?” or “Do you want some eggs?”. It really doesn’t matter….just the fact that he calls me his “love”….. it makes my heart weak. I love how he looks at me. How he holds the door for me. How he looks out for me. Oh, how my baby impacts, moves, and shapes me. If only he knew…..
He does it so much. Oftentimes, it seems he does these seemingly small things without even thinking. But, recently he intentionally took the time to do another seemingly small thing and it touched me so much. You see,my birthday recently passed (yay! I’m 21….not!) Lol. And, my husband gave me a card and took me out on my birthday, celebrated with the kids, etc. But, a few days later he gave me a very special birthday card in which he wrote:
Love of my life,
We fit perfect together. Just the right amount of fire & ice, sweet & spicy, go gettin & chill, confidence & uncertainty, patience & impatience and so on and son on and so on. It’s that blend that has birthed 4 babies, thousands of feel good yummy to my tummy moments, a business, and a belief in the future that will be a million times more brighter than our glowing past. Our blend is beautiful baby. It’s unique, it’s special, it’s ours. Guess what….you get to add another year of wisdom, grace, and beauty to it…to us…because you’ve entered the year of 36.
I love you baby! I truly believe that this year you will be better than you’ve ever been…do more than you ever have, and have more than you’ve ever imagined because you are growing more acquainted with and allowing the energy of the God within you.
I love you.
Need I say more? This brought tears to my eyes. This man inspires me, secures me, and loves me in a way that I can’t even begin to describe.
Husbands/Boyfriends/Significant Others: You have an amazing ability to rock your woman’s world by the things you say (and don’t say), the words you choose, the focus and attention you give her and on and on……it’s the simple and seemingly small things that continue to build and strengthen the bond!
I love you baby!!!!!!!! Thank you for loving me!!!!
My card: 🙂