By Margaret Paul, Ph.d.
No one SAYS they want a terrible relationship, yet so many people go about creating them that we need to assume they must WANT them! So, here’s my 7 Step foolproof guide to creating a terrible relationship.
1. TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN FEELINGS
Make sure that you do not take responsibility for your own feelings and your own sense of safety and security. Make sure that you ignore your feelings enough so that you create an empty black hole inside that needs to be filled up by sex, things, or by someone else’s love or attention.
2. FIND SOMEONE TO DO IT FOR YOU
Look for someone to fill your emptiness, someone to make you feel loved, happy, safe and secure. A good way to determine if this is the right person is if he or she comes on REALLY strong, promising you the world, or at least great sex.
3. ONCE YOU FIND THE RIGHT PERSON, BE SURE TO BEHAVE IN ONE OF THE TWO FOLLOWING WAYS:
A. COMPLETELY GIVE YOURSELF UP
Completely put yourself aside, focusing all your attention on the other person’s feelings and needs. Your hope is that if you are wonderful enough and sacrifice yourself enough, the other person will give you the love you are seeking. Be sure to completely ignore your own feelings and needs, no matter what the other person does. Be the best caretaker you can be to try to have control over getting the other person’s love and approval.
B. DEMAND THE OTHER PERSON LIVE UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS
Start slow, gradually building to becoming more and more demanding of the other person. If he or she doesn’t meet your expectations, be sure to criticize, blame, chastise, berate, threaten, ignore, yell at, belittle, lecture, debate, and argue with your partner. Your job is to gain control over getting the other person to completely give him or herself up and focus only on filling your emptiness and needs with their love, approval, attention, sex, devotion, time, and adoration. Be the best taker you can be, making sure to keep your partner feeling guilty and responsible for your feelings of security and self-esteem.
4. BE THE VICTIM
As your relationship starts to decline, move more and more into thinking and behaving as a victim of the other person’s choices. This will lead to more fights or to distance, lack of passion, lack of fun, and a complete inability to communicate about anything, even minor situations. In any discussions, be sure to seek to be right, win your point, and make your partner wrong. After all, this is a competition for who is the good one and the right one. Or, just collapse and give in, a great way to be a victim.
Start to spend less and less time with your partner, spending it alone or with other people, or in front of the TV. Convince yourself that your misery is completely your partner’s fault, and that you picked the wrong person, again. NEVER EVER take any responsibility for your own feelings, needs, behavior, and choices. Never forget that you are the victim.
6. GET YOUR PARTNER INTO COUNSELING
Seek counseling to get your partner to change. Do NOT enter counseling to deal with your own controlling behavior of being a taker or caretaker. Rather, be sure to tell the therapist everything your partner does wrong, using the therapist’s office as just another arena to prove that you are right and your partner is wrong, or you are the good one and your partner is the bad one.
7. YOU DID IT!
Congratulations! You have succeeded in creating a terrible relationship! Now you can miserably and righteously leave your partner and do the whole thing again! You get to complain to all your friends about what a terrible person your ex-partner is and get sympathy for all you’ve been though. What a reward for all your hard work!