Video: I am in desperate need of your help. I’m sure everyone says this for the most part but I really trust the both of you with advice more than I trust some of the closest people in my life.
Please Help Me!!!
Relevant info and brief history:
I am 28 years old and live with my two children, age 10 and 1, and my ex-fiancé. He is the father of both of my children. I have been with this man since I was 15 years old, delivered my first baby when I was 17. Two weeks after I’d given birth he was sentenced to 9 years in prison and served most of that term. During that time I struggled, as most single mothers, to keep food on the table and the lights on for my child. However his mother and I had developed a really close relationship where anything I needed, she made sure I’d have in the absence of her son. There had been incidents prior to him going to prison that he had abusive/controlling tendencies. He’d given women black eyes before, pushed them down stairs, etc. He said he’d never do that to me and prior to him going to jail he never did. His mother has also made jokes about how her son has an issue with putting his hands on women. His excuse for abusing those women was that they were “ghetto” or didn’t act lady-like so he made it his business to treat them like men.
He was released 2 1/2 years ago and we were inseparable, moved in with each other and delivered our second baby girl. His mother had gotten me a job as I’d been laid off for a while and she is currently my boss. We live in one of her properties right now. The daycare that my baby goes to was due to her connections. The car that I own occurred as a result of connections where she’d been able to give me a substantial down payment. I hold this woman in the highest regard for the way she’s looked after me when she really didn’t have to. In the same breath I will say this scares me. I feel like in some way I’ve been given things with good intentions but also as a means to control me. When I asked her advice on moving out of the state to be closer to my mother she flipped on me. When I disagree with her son for anything I get talked to in a very condescending manner by both her and her son.
Recently I found out about an affair that my ex was having. I cried, I was hurt, I got over it and emotionally released myself from it sooner than I thought. However, during my moments of being hurt my ex and I tried to work things out. We went for a ride, where I’d been drinking quite a bit to try and relax. We’d gotten into an altercation because I said something he didn’t like about the other woman. I was totally inebriated at this point and can hardly remember what happened next. I do know that I was terrified and that we arrived back home to our children, watched by a neighbor when we were out. Our neighbor left and it took a turn for the worst. I was upset, I’d lost complete control and started throwing things at him, crying and screaming. The next thing you know I’m being pushed to the floor, thrown and choked, my hair was pulled so hard that somehow my shoulder was slightly dislocated. I felt in fear of my life and grabbed scissors because he would not let go of me, I cut his leg.
I woke up the next morning to about 10+ bruises all over my body and 2 large balls of my hair pulled out. I cried so hard as I remembered my oldest daughter crying and screaming for me during the fight. He heard me crying and came to show me what I’d done to him, scratch on his face, wound on his leg as reasoning for hurting me. This whole ordeal brought flashbacks back to me about my serious case of denial. There were multiple occasions when I was thrown to the ground by him, yelled at directly in my ear, mushed upside the head, called stupid, dumb, a coward… all because I wouldn’t fight back when he was angry about something. He’s always looking for a reason to put his hands on me and the more I try to avoid this, the more controlling and scary it gets. The neighbors have gone so far as to call the police to the house, and when I bump into them they always have the same look of concern and ask if me and the children are okay. This particular incident left me unwilling to back down from him, I’d had enough and grabbed a weapon when I didn’t want to, but I’m hurting for my kids, they shouldn’t have been in earshot of that. My parents never put me in that position and I feel like I’m failing them.
Recently we tried AGAIN to work our relationship back out, it wasn’t working and I ended it. I did however ask him if I can stay in the condo for stability’s sake and also because I need to save up money to move. He agreed. Last night I saw that his behavior right now is a little erratic. He threatened me last night and there was nothing I could say to make him think rationally. He said if I think pulling my hair and giving me bruises is disrespectful, then I haven’t seen anything yet. I’m scared of what he might do, he’s really going out of his way to show me that he hates me. I can see what he’s doing, he’s trying hard to make me upset so he can have a reason to get physically violent with me. I feel every move I make and every word I say needs to be edited before acting on them because anything will make him flip. His excuse for leaving bruises on me before was because he said I swung at him, I have never swung at this man, he always grabs me and when I try to pull away he sees it as me getting defensive and then I’m being pulled and dragged around like a ragdoll.
I’m scared and I don’t want to get hurt or have my children hurt. I know he won’t let me take my children to my mom’s house so I can save the money for another place without him reacting abusively and I cannot live with the thought of leaving them with him 24/7 by removing just myself from the situation. I have NO CLUE what to do, I’m living with a ticking time bomb as I take his threat very, very seriously. I know it will be worse for me trying to get my children and me to another location. I was advised to tell his mother, who is like a mother to me but she may turn on me. And again she is my boss. I don’t want to go there with her.
If I didn’t have those girls I would be able to figure this out with no problem. This issue has literally made me physically ill. I never wanted them to be in the middle of two reckless parents. I’m trying to leave in peace. I was thinking of just sleeping in my car on the street where they’re at just so I can be near them, I can’t be without them or away from them. My kids don’t care whether he comes or goes and it makes me sick because I wanted them to have the same relationship I had with my dad, they’re either in fear or totally unaffected by his presence.
I know you traditionally deal with relationships that are worth fixing. This one clearly isn’t worth it. But you wouldn’t even understand the degree of gratitude I’d have if you’d give me your gift of guidance. You two truly have a gift that touches the soul more than you’ll ever know and for that Mr. and Mrs. Ma’at I thank you, even if this never reaches your hands.