By H. Roberta Williams
Disclaimer: This note is for mature audiences only. I have to be 100% real about an issue I’m dealing with, and I’d love for you to pray with me (if you pray) and hold me accountable if you’re so moved throughout this leg of my journey.
I guess you all are thinking, “Wow…she’s really got a knack for stating the obvious.”
Halle = Hollywood. Harriet = Ain’t in front of anybody’s camera.
Halle = Stunningly beautiful. Harriet = Possessor of that can’t-quite-put-my-finger-on-it-but-her-looks-grow-on-me type of beauty. LOL
Halle = Short and thin. Harriet = Tall with thick athletic build.
Halle = “I’m never getting married again.” Harriet = “I’m in no rush, but I know part of God’s plan for me is to be a wife.”
And herein lies my dilemma. Halle said she’ll never marry again, but at least she’s getting some on a regular basis, yanno? I had the ooo wee on demand when I was married, but prior to that, I was celibate for five years, waiting on Prince Charming (but arguably married a frog).
And it just hit me hard this week, y’all: I’m hormonal. Lawd, sweet Jesus help Your child. You can take a guess about what I mean about that. Yeah…the first thought that came to your mind, that’s what I am. Hot and bothered. Yet I made a decision that I would once again practice abstinence until I decide to get married again.
So…me being like Halle Berry is kinda out of the question. I’m glad I don’t allow my hormones to govern my decisions, otherwise I would have hit up Vegas and got married over the weekend. But I’m cool with prayer, cold showers and averted eyes. I can handle it.
Yeah, right. I’m lying…God is going to have to keep me just like He kept me before my first marriage. Because I can tell this is a vulnerability that has the potential to derail my deliverance with one foul swoop…and I ain’t trying to have that.
My mom was telling me over breakfast how she thought I was the consummate “package.” Funny, smart, compassionate, talented, good cook, not to mention beautiful. Gool ol’ Mama…and trust me, she’s not the biased type that would just say something like that without meaning it.
I can add to the equation that I really, really, REALLY love the Lord. And I really, really, REALLY need Him to hide and keep me until His timing is right. When will that be? Only He knows. But I’m content and confident that He has the Master Plan that will be perfect once He unveils the transformed Harriet for both the world and heaven to see.
I really don’t know what that plan looks like at the moment. Does it mean I don’t date? I don’t know. Does it mean every time a man with something going for him asks me out (and it’s happened a few times in the past few weeks), I tell him respectfully that although I appreciate the offer, I’m not bringing to the table the wholeness needed to pursue anything of substance with him? That line seems to be my go to explanation…and it’s the truth!
Do I date and “play the field?” I don’t even know what that means! I’m a product of a bunch of monogamous relationships! Maybe I’ll go out just to enjoy some adult, masculine company. Blockbuster nights in the dark on a couch are out of the question, but dinner, a concert, a sporting event or something like that shouldn’t do any harm, should it? *shrug*
I’m sure God will tell me when I’m ready. In the meantime, I appreciate the fact that my hormones aren’t the governing factor in my decision making process. It won’t kill me if my appetite for aphrodesiac isn’t fulfilled.
What WILL hurt is making another lapse in judgement that will make it difficult for me to ever get married again (disease, getting pregnant, getting my heart broken and being bitter…the list goes on and on).
I ain’t Halle Berry. But I know that what I’ll be able to bring to the table in the future is a package that any man with sense would desire.
Here’s to the second time around!
Harriet Hairston is a woman who slips and slides in and out of labels (military officer, human resource manager, minister, mentor, spoken word artist and teacher). The only one that has stuck so far is “mother” (the most important in her estimation). The rest have taught her well that only what she does for Christ will last. Her transparent style chops away at the proverbial “elephants in the living room” that no one wants to talk about. She has made her own life an open door, so others will be willing to look at themselves and their humanity unashamedly and keep pressing forward in spite of the obstacles encountered. You can read more of her work on her site MY LIFE: THE AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL or you can contact her at email@example.com.