Make Your Wife Feel Special With A Simple Hello

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By Mark Webb

Priorities in a marriage often get turned around. This is especially true if you have children. Children tend to get the majority of our attention because they have greater needs. Since women typically do the lion’s share of child care, husbands need to make sure their wives are well taken care of. One way to do this is to Always Greet Your Wife First.

Husbands, if you want your wife to adore you, develop this simple habit. This minor adjustment will make her feel special and will let her know she is your priority.

Here’s how this works: Husbands, which family member generally gets to you first when you arrive home each day from work? Your children, right? They are so excited to see you. They practically knock you down with their enthusiasm, this is almost impossible to resist. Most husbands greet the children first, but for the sake of the children as well as your wife, do not do this. Always Greet Your Wife First.

Before I tell you why, let me give the husbands a little inside information that I have picked up as a marriage and family therapist. Your wife typically hides from you when you’re expected to arrive home. She wants you to be interested enough and care enough to come find her. If you think about it isn’t she normally in her closet or in the laundry room when you get home? Do not stop and read the mail. Do not sit in your recliner. Go find her.

Instead of stopping to hug the children, say to them, “Ya’ll help me find Momma.”

They will gladly help and you rush to where your wife is. Greet her with enthusiasm. Think about how your children and your dog greet you. Show about the same degree of enthusiasm. Look into her eyes. Embrace her. Tell her how glad you are to see her.

This kind of greeting shows her honor. It automatically conveys a message that she is special to you and she is your priority. It isn’t hard to do but the impact will blow her doors off.

After you have greeted her enthusiastically, greet your children with a similar response. The reason behind this relates to a matter of developing respect from your children for their mother. In most homes, the father can tell the children to do something and the children do it immediately. However, their mother can tell the children to do the same thing and the children give her a hard timed about it. Greeting your wife first helps squash this behavior.

When you greet your children first, then your wife, you are giving the children the message that they are more important than their Momma. They start believing that their daddy holds them in greater esteem than he does their Momma. Thus, they do not have to do what she says. However, when you greet their Momma first, then they see that you hold her in greater esteem and they will do the same. They will then be quicker to do what she says.

Someone will greet them first when they reach adulthood but for now, honor their Momma. Try this out today. You will feel better about yourself as a husband. The love and respect that you show towards your wife will come back to you multiplied.

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be a Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships?. Visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com.

Shut Up And Listen….You Are Not ALWAYS Right

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By Ilex Bien-Aime

Do you remember when you first met your mate? It seemed that you spent a great deal of time talking. You talked about everything and it didn’t matter what time of the day or night it was, you just wanted to hear each other’s voice. At that moment communication was not a problem and yet you didn’t know each other. Now that you know each other and are supposedly in love, communication seems to be a foreign concept.

Both sides seem to forget how they were in the beginning. When the other person spoke, we respected them and we actually let them talk. We really wanted to know how the other person was feeling and we were interested in what they were thinking. Over time it seems that we care less about what the other is thinking and what they have to say. Now when it’s supposed to be “we”, it has become all about “me”.

Conversations are now less pleasant. We just don’t listen to each other. Sure, we hear each other but we really aren’t listening. We are so busy thinking of a witty comeback while our spouses are speaking that we don’t take into consideration the other person’s feelings. We have adopted the mentality that the other person is wrong and we are going to prove it. What we must realize is that sometimes, it’s not about right or wrong, it’s about how the other person feels.

All too often we try to make our partners look as if they are foolish. We act as if everything that they have to say is baseless. Sometimes when they speak, we roll our eyes or suck our teeth with displeasure. When we do this, we send signals to our loved one that they perceive as us not listening or caring about them. We try to make it seem as if our partner just became crazy and that we cannot understand what they are thinking.

If we are honest with ourselves, most of us would realize that we contribute to the break down in communication with our mates. Though most of us do care about how the other person is feeling, their feelings mean very little to us if they get in the way of our own views. When we think that we are correct and the other person is wrong, we just don’t listen to them when they speak. In some cases, we let our partners know how stupid we think they are.

When you think about it, it really is a shame that in order for us to listen to our partners, someone else has to show us their side. I realize that time and some hard feelings can keep us from properly communicating – but this should not be. This bond should be the strongest bond that you have ever had or will ever have. No one from the outside should need to come in and help explain your partner for you.

Sometimes we need to shut up and let our mates speak. We need to let them know that we have heard what they had to say and just walk away to think about what they said. Often times the more we do this, we will see at least some of their point of view. Sometimes we will recognize that we did wrong and sometimes we won’t but at least we would have let them have a voice.

We need to understand the negative stance we bring to conversations. When someone says something to us, we tend to become defensive. I can’t tell you how many times a conversation has gone south due to the other person trying to defend themselves or by the other person showing signs of annoyance. I understand that when someone tells us something that we don’t like, we are going to react but we have to learn to keep our composure.

People also need to be realistic about who they are. News flash – you aren’t always right. Sometimes if you shut up long enough, you will see that. Many times we are hypocrites also. We don’t want our partners to do and say things we do and say to them. If someone feels as if you are not holding them to the same standards that you hold yourself to, odds are they are going to tune you out.

At the end of the day, we need to practice James 1:19, ” My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” A man who is quick to listen shows that he is willing to truly hear what you have to say. A man who is slow to speak shows that he is truly thinking about what you are saying. A man who is slow to anger shows that he is patient and wants to resolve the conflict and not make the situation worse. When it all boils down to it, if you shut up for a second, you just may hear what someone else is trying to tell you, even God!

My name is Ilex Bien-Aime and I live in Washington, DC with my lovely wife. I write as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. I write as a man who wants to give my future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly I write what I write because my female friends are always asking my opinion about these situations.

Relationship Expert Aiyana Ma’at Talks About Giving Ultimatums On The Michael Baisden Show

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Have you ever found yourself in a space of dissatisfaction in your relationship and thought about resorting to ultimatums to get your needs met?  How did that work out?  Recently, Aiyana Ma’at was invited to speak on this exact topic on the Michael Baisden Show where she spoke about ultimatums being fear based and problematic because they create more resistance from your mate and have the potential to place more distance between the “present” behavior and the behavior you desire in your relationship.  Check out the interview and let us know what you think.

 

How To Manage Conflict In Your Marriage

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By Ian Williamson

No matter how happy a married couple looks like, their marriage is not without occasional conflicts. Having conflicts in marriage life is normal. It isbrought about by the natural differences of the couple. However, if the gravity and frequency of conflicts inside a marriage keeps on elevating to new heights, the risk of destroying the marriage is always there.

Managing conflict is an important ingredient of a healthy marriage. Listed below are some conflict management tools which apply to different situations related to conflict resolutions inside marriage.

-Mind the person, not the differences

Most often than not, serious marriage conflicts are related to smaller things that add up and eventually burst. Marriage entails that the spouses love each other for who they are and small annoying things should be taken for granted. Understanding each other especially with little things will help trengthen the relationship and give a general sense of belongingness to both the spouses.

-Do not compare

It is never a good idea to compare your spouse with the spouse of others, even if it is intended for fun. The grass ain’t greener on the other side of the fence. There’s good and bad in all people, but the problem is that people tend to see the bad traits in their spouses. Marriage means belongingness and spouses should make their partners feel that they belong together.

-Stay in love

Entering in marriage does not mean the end of fun. Couples tend to be more serious when they enter in marriage, thus, leaving out all the passion and the fun. Keeping the feeling of being in love is the main foundation of a successful marriage.  However happy a couple is inside a marriage, there will come a time when they will face conflicts. But being in conflict with each other is not the end of it all. Here is some more useful advice in dealing with conflicts in marriage.

-Control instincts

People tend to resort to anger, hatred and disrespect when confronting their partners. Remember that conflict resolution does not necessarily have to entail violence and hurt. Talking with an open heart and an unclouded mind will really help resolve the conflict.

-Reaffirm one another

Couples should reaffirm their willingness to resolve the conflict by saying in their own words what the other one is saying and act according to the resolutions which were made.  Differences do not necessarily have to end in conflicts and conflicts do not necessarily have to end in a cold and heartless marriage.   Always find love in marriage and everything will fall in place.



4 Ways Your Reaction Is Ruining Your Relationship

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By Aiyana Ma’at

I have a question for you. How do you respond to your husband or wife when they try to talk to you about “touchy” or “difficult” subjects? Really, just pause for a second and be honest with yourself. Do you provide a safe or hostile environment for your spouse to come and talk to you? Are you warm and inviting or cold and stand-offish? Do you ignore your spouse when they bring up things that are important to them or do you encourage them and let them know in your verbal and non-verbal body language that you are all ears?

Sometimes relationship issues crop up and then become worse and worse because they never get discussed and dealt with. Sometimes this is because both partners are avoiding the issues but sometimes one person’s reactions can be part of the problem. If your spouse tries to talk to you about your relationship issues and you ignore them or get sarcastic and rude, how are things being resolved and why would he or she ever want to approach you again?

Most of the time it’s easier to just ignore issues than it is to try and speak to someone that reacts in these ways, so one spouse might just shut down. This certainly doesn’t help anyone. All of your relationship issues need to be brought up and out in the open but no one can do that if the reaction they get is so negative.

Take a look at some examples of reactions that are just flat out WRONG and if you see yourself anywhere–stop playing and start pushing to get it RIGHT.

WRONG: when your spouse is talking you start walking….out the room, into the bathroom, in the kitchen, etc. It’s amazing how folks seem to get inspired to start cleaning up or cooking, etc. when an important topic comes up.

RIGHT: stop, pause, and pay attention when the love of your life has something important to share. Not pausing physically sends the message that you are unwilling to stop mentally and emotionally to hear what is on the heart of your spouse.

WRONG: texting, checking email, or just messing around on your cell phone, ipad, or some other computer device while your spouse is trying to talk to you.

RIGHT: In the age of social media it is far too easy to get distracted or sidetracked by a “ding” or vibration from your phone and now a days we act like we just have to see who or what it is right now. C’mon now. Show some respect. Turn the phone off or turn it to silent. You will spend far less in grief, hurt, and energy when you take 10, 15, or 30 minutes (and, yes, at times even more) to concentrate on what your spouse is feeling and thinking than you will with all of the half had conversations that will continue to keep popping up just because you won’t focus.

WRONG: Your spouse starts talking about an issue and you say something inappropriate like “Awwww, here we go!” or you let out a big sigh or say something sarcastic or rude like “It’s really not that serious is it?”. C’mon, do you really think comments like those are going to help when all is said and done?

RIGHT: If you find that it’s truly not a good time for you to talk try something like this: “Baby, I know this  is important to you and I really do want to hear what you have to say but this isn’t the best time. Because, I don’t want you to think that I’m just trying to get out of having this conversation right now I want to suggest that we talk later on tonight after the kids are in the bed so we can have some uninterrupted time.

WRONG: Your spouse brings something up and there is dead (you can hear a pin drop) silence after they finish talking. 1 minute passes, 3 minutes, 5 minutes and you ain’t said NOTHING. Your spouse is wondering if you heard them, if you’re purposefully trying to aggravate them, should they repeat themselves….what?! They might as well be talking to a wall! (ya’ll can tell this one right here might be a little familiar and particularly annoying to me…lol.)

RIGHT: Any time any one says something to you, not just your spouse, it would do you well to acknowledge what has been said. How about a word of confirmation or validation? How about  a “You know, what you said is really making me think. Let me think some more about what you said and get back with you”. The key here is to really follow up and get back with your spouse—not in like 5 days. My general rule of thumb is that you need to have something to say within the next 24 hours. Even, if you’re still pondering the issue you need to come back to your spouse and communicate some of your preliminary thoughts and schedule another time to continue with the conversation.

BLAM Fam, How important is it for us married folks to discipline ourselves in the reactions we give to our spouses when they come to us with something that is important to them?

Aiyana Ma’at is the wife of Ayize Ma’at, mom of 4, and co-founder and owner of this website, BlackLoveAndMarriage.com, as well as PurposePusher.com. Aiyana is a Seeker, Motivator, Risk Taker, Explorer, & Overcomer. She is a self-described PurposePusher and does her best to live her life with self-awareness and intention. Some of her official titles include licensed psycho-therapist, certified marriage educator & relationship coach and speaker. She is clear that a part of the call on her life is to help bring insight and awareness to others so that they can “get out of their own way” and create the lives they want to have.

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6 Ways You May Be Unknowingly Turning Off Your Partner

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If you don’t understand what is important for the opposite sex, you won’t realize how much you you may be hurting your partner. A lot of times we are so caught up in how we’re feeling that we fail to truly communicate in a way that our partner can really hear us or in a way that they sincerely feel heard, validated, and supported. Because women and men’s primary love needs are different, we don’t instinctively anticipate each other’s needs. Let’s take a look at some of the mistakes men & women commonly make excerpted from world renowned relationship expert John Gray. Take notes and put what you learn into action. 🙂

Mistakes Women Commonly Make:

  1. She tries to improve his behavior or help him by offering unsolicited advice. Why he doesn’t feel loved: He feels unloved because she doesn’t trust him anymore.
  2. She tries to change or control his behavior by sharing her upset or negative feelings. (It’s ok to share feelings but not when they attempt to manipulate or punish.) Why he doesn’t feel loved: He feels unloved because she doesn’t accept him as he is.
  3. She doesn’t acknowledge what he does for her but complains about what he has not done. Why he doesn’t feel loved: He feels taken for granted and unloved because she doesn’t appreciate what he does.
  4. She corrects his behavior and tells him what to do, as if her were a child. Why he doesn’t feel loved: He feels unloved because he doesn’t feel admired.
  5. She expresses her upset feelings indirectly with rhetorical questions like “How could you do that?”. Why he doesn’t feel loved: He feels unloved because he feels she has taken away her approval of him. He no longer feels like the good guy.
  6. When he makes decisions or takes initiative she corrects or criticizes him. Why he doesn’t feel loved: He feels unloved because she does not encourage him to do things on his own.

Mistakes Men Commonly Make:

  1. He doesn’t listen, gets easily distracted, doesn’t ask interested or concerned questions. Why she doesn’t feel loved: She feels unloved because he is not attentive or showing that he cares.
  2. He takes her feelings literally and corrects her. He thinks she is asking for solutions so he gives advice. Why she doesn’t feel loved: She feels unloved because he doesn’t understand her.
  3. He listens but then gets angry and blames her for upsetting him or for bringing him down. Why she doesn’t feel loved: She feels unloved because he doesn’t respect her feelings.
  4. He minimizes the importance of her feelings and needs. He makes children or work more important. Why she doesn’t feel loved: She feels unloved because he is not devoted to her and doesn’t honor her as special.
  5. When she is upset, he explains why he is right and why she should not be upset. Why she doesn’t feel loved: She feels unloved because he doesn’t validate her feelings but instead makes her feel wrong and unsupported.
  6. After listening he says nothing or just walks away. Why she doesn’t feel loved: She feels insecure because she doesn’t get the reassurance she needs.

We often fail each other because we instinctively give what we want. But, we need to learn what our partner wants. When we take the time to learn the opposite sex and more specifically our partner we will succeed in having the kind of relationship we want and deserve.


5 Reasons Why Your Man Gives You The Silent Treatment

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by Shawn T. Smith, Psy.D.

A lot of men do it. They do it after dinner; they do it in the car. They do it in bed, and they even do it when you’re discussing your mother.

I’m talking about going silent, of course. It seems that men are most prone to it during a conflict: she wants to talk and he has checked out. I should of course point out that women sometimes retreat when men want to talk. But let’s be honest: unwillingness to communicate is mainly a male behavior. It causes no pride to admit that I struggle with it myself. You would think a psychologist would know better.

Going silent is the kind of relationship behavior that can feed on itself until it becomes a pattern that seems to engulf the couple. The natural response from many women is to force a conversation when her man goes silent. But that can make it even more difficult for him to speak. Which leads to more forcefulness. Which leads to… Well, you get the picture. That’s precisely the type of pattern that Meg and Andy fell into. Theirs is a typical story.

After five years of marriage, Meg was beginning to wonder if their relationship was doomed. She loved Andy, but he had changed. He was generally sweet to Meg, until they got into an argument. That’s when he seemed to completely withdraw from her.

One of their arguments concerned the dog. When no one was home, the pup stole a loaf of bread that Andy had left sitting too close to the edge of the counter. Meg came home to discover a broken plate, crumbs on the floor, and a shame-­faced dog hiding in the bedroom.

Meg was angry, partly because of Andy’s absent-mindedness, but mainly because they had lost their ability to communicate about little things like this. She worried that this rather trivial incident would lead to another difficult conversation, and she was angry that Andy had put them in this position.

Sure enough, Andy sensed Meg’s anger when he arrived home. Rather than greeting her as usual, he avoided her. When she eventually confronted him about the bread, he withdrew completely. She tried to talk to him but, as usual, that only seemed to make things worse.

Andy’s behavior left Meg feeling isolated and anxious. She was beginning to feel that she had been shortchanged in her marriage. Where had her kind and caring husband gone?

There was a time when Meg and Andy would have laughed at the stolen bread incident. Now trivial incidents brought misery, and that was the most frustrating thing for each of them. They didn’t understand how their relationship had become so embittered.


Retreat and Pursuit

This pattern of retreat and pursuit is one of the more common that I see in couples. The more she pursues, the more he retreats. It feels awful to both of them, and it gains strength with repetition. With each new iteration, the emotions become more intense and more difficult to resist.

The retreat-pursuit pattern is particularly anxiety provoking for the person on the receiving end of the silence. It can leave her feeling abandoned and discouraged. Meg may have been thinking, If Andy and I cannot communicate about a loaf of bread, how will we ever handle more difficult problems? What is the point of our relationship?

It is unpleasant for the man, too. Most men in Andy’s position realize that their silence only makes things worse. So why do we do it? Here are some of the more common reasons that men have reported to me through the course of my work with couples:

1) Men Ain’t Supposed to Talk

This may be the most obvious reason for male silence. Many men are at a disadvantage in discussions about relationship dynamics because, in general, women are simply better trained at it. Throughout their development, girls tend to talk about relationships more than boys.

To put men at an even greater disadvantage, many of us have been taught that it is effeminate to discuss… that stuff. As boys, we faced ridicule if ever we ventured too far toward feminine discourse. Those experiences stay with us, and it can be remarkably difficult to break those ingrained gender rules.

2) We Feel Outmatched

A surprising number of men have admitted to me that they feel outmatched during arguments with their wives or girlfriends. They have said things like this:

  • “I’m not as quick on my feet as she is.”
  • “She comes prepared with her arguments and I don’t.”
  • “She seems to remember everything I’ve ever said or done. My mind doesn’t work like that.”
  • “She brings up old arguments that I thought we had settled. I don’t know how to defend against that.”

These men tend to believe that anything they say will get them into trouble. Talking makes them feel vulnerable to criticism or shame, and so they do the only sensible thing: stop talking.

3) We Get Angry

It’s true, sometimes we clam up because we’re angry. For many men, anger is the default response when we feel wounded, criticized, disrespected, isolated, or even sad. It often takes time for us to realize what has prompted our anger. Until we’re ready to discuss it, silence may seem like the safest option.

4) It Pains Us to Argue With You

I don’t think many women realize just how important you are to us men. (The good men, anyway.) An unhappy woman is a painful experience for many men. When the same old arguments show up repeatedly, we start to feel powerless about keeping you happy. That’s when some men give up and go silent. Passively making things worse is more tolerable than speaking and making things worse.

5) History Drives Us

Generalizations about men are fine and useful up to a point, but individual factors are more important. Men are just as vulnerable as women to their own unique histories.

CLICK HERE to read more.

 

Sometimes You Gotta TALK…Even When You Don’t Want To

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As many of you know, the Mrs. and I were in the hospital a couple of weeks ago with our oldest son for his hip surgery.  It was an intense 72 hours because this was the first major surgery he’s had since he’s been born.  From the pre surgery authorizations, to the blood transfusions, etc. our plates were definitely full as we attempted to center ourselves and get focused “in the middle of it.”  Truth be told we did a helluva job supporting Asante and supporting each other through the process.

Sidebar: Please Donate to the Pennies For Asante campaign and help us cure our son of Sickle Cell Anemia.

Although the overall experience was peaceful and stress free…there was one moment in which the Mrs. and I had a heated discussion and had to take our frustration out into the hallway.  We had to deploy some of the communication skills and strategies that we talk to yall about to get through this one.  Check out this video to see what I’m talking about.  Forreal forreal…I gotta give us a pat the back because we do a really good job talking and talking constructively even when we don’t want to.

 

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Baby I Need You To Communicate Through Your Actions That I Can And Should Trust You

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By Carol Jackson

Trust is nowhere to be found. As a couple you need to communicate to save your marriage. But you have trust issues with your partner.

You’re at a deadend. You keep wanting to believe that your spouse is being honest with you and your spouse doesn’t know how to make you believe what they’re saying. Where do you turn, what is the answer.

>Do you have difficulty communicating how much he has hurt you?

>Do you have difficulty trusting anything he says?

>Do you wand to find a way to trust him again?

>Do you have paranoid trust issues?

You realize this could be the end of your marriage.

Learning to communicate is vital in helping to regain trust. Read on to discover the first step to couples communication.

Communication Is Built on Actions

Your spouse’s actions will weigh heavy in rebuilding your trust. You are needing to “know” that your spouse is being honest. You’re relying on a feeling, and right now your emotions are all over the place. Therefore you don’t know if those feelings can be used to keep your thoughts focused. Also, just waiting to “know” is useless if no specific actions are being taken to actually regain the trust.

Lying, for example, can be one person’s way to avoid meaningful communication. As the victim, you have probably built a wall of protection to filter additional lying on the part of your spouse.

When your spouse lies to you it is impossible to have a trusting marriage. There is no way your marriage can survive if the lies continue.

This shows signs of an unhealthy marriage,requiring open couples communication. Each spouse needs to share freely with one another to label it as “healthy.” When trying to save your marriage, you need to identify changes in certain behaviors. If your spouse says they are being honest with you, there has to be specific actions to back it up.

There are definitely actions that you both can take to rebuild trust in your marriage. This can be done through developing communication as a couple.

Carol Jackson is an relationship review writer. Expert in researching information and finding marriage-saving programs that work.

6 Rules Of Understanding And Being Understood

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By Barbara Stennes

Effective communication is vital if you wish people to understand your viewpoint. It is crucial and critical in both personal and professional settings.  Some of the same principles apply to both.  You want to make it your point to have a solution oriented approach vs. a problem oriented approach.  In doing so it’s easier build the infrastructure of your relationship up and reduce the impact of internal and external forces that may be trying to tear it down.

The following six rules will help you communicate more effectively, reduce conflict in your relationship, and become a better partner.

Rule #1: Organize your thoughts.

Jumbled thoughts lead to incoherent speech. Organizing your thoughts systematically is the first step to effective communication. You should be clear about the message that you want to convey, and it is helpful to have a framework for the conversation. Communication is a dynamic process, so you need to organize and re-organize your thoughts accordingly as the conversation progresses. This presence of mind is essential.

Rule #2: Plan the conversation ahead of time.

When you think through a subject, try to envision what sort of reaction you will evoke. Plan out the different directions that the conversation may go, and prepare your ground accordingly. It helps to consider the personality and behavior of the person with whom you are dealing. How does s/he prefer to work, what is his/her behavioral style? Answering these questions allows you to tailor your approach accordingly.

Rule #3: Be aware of your nonverbal signals.

Did you know much of our communication happens through nonverbal signals? The message you convey through your gestures, body language, and facial expressions will play a huge role in the response you elicit. For this reason, your verbal and nonverbal message need to be consistent; otherwise, you will send mixed signals and not achieve the outcome you desire.

Rule #4: Be succinct.

As they say, less is more. This holds true for communication as well. Your goal in communication is to convey a message and create a certain response. Emphasize your key points simply, and respond to questions directly. Repeating yourself and reiterating your points will only detract from your message.

Rule #5: Demonstrate how the other person will benefit.

When you show how the other person will directly benefit from your offer, you are very close to convincing him/her. To do this, you must highlight the rewards of your offer, and explain how they will improve his or her life. For example, instead of explaining that a new product is more efficient, you might emphasize how much time or money the customer will save. This is the fifth great rule for becoming a good communicator.

Rule #6: Be a good listener.

The importance of listening to the other party and understanding his/her viewpoint is often overlooked. Effective communication is two-way process; if you adopt a one-way attitude, you will fail to create a rapport with your counterpart. By making the other person feel that you value their participation in the conversation, and that you are addressing his/her needs, you make him/her much more willing to accommodate your position. In practice, this means that you must listen patiently and converse accordingly.

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