10 Things A Husband Should Never Say To His Wife

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By Ericka So’uter

Whoever wrote the wedding vows got it all wrong. It should be love, honor, and eye roll.

If you’ve been married more than a month, you know what I’m talking about. It’s those little moments when he actually thinks he’s being smart, sincere, witty, or helpful, but in reality it’s just downright annoying.

Here are some of the comments that make women question how good a catch they’ve got:

  1. “Are you gonna wear Spanx with that?” While honesty is generally the best policy, your wife does not want to know that you know she wears a body shaper. Find some other way to delicately point out the pudge.
  2. “Okay, I’ll babysit.” How many times do we have to tell you, it’s not babysitting if they are your own kids.
  3. “Whoever makes more money should do less housework.” Who are you, Don Draper? The Mad Men era ended, like, 50 years ago so grab a broom.
  4. “Don’t worry, it’ll grow back.” After a bad haircut, those are the least soothing words you can say. Just come up with something you like about the new look.
  5. “Why don’t you ever wear stuff like that?” For most moms, the days of daisy dukes and mini skirts are long gone. Comparing us to the rare mommy who still has the nerve to slip on skimpy outfits will only get you in trouble.
  6. “But I changed a diaper this morning.” Yeah, and guess how many times your darling daughter has peed since then. Your turn!
  7. “Really, how much harder would another kid be?” Of course the person who does the least amount of cooking, cleaning, and nurturing would think adding to the brood was no big deal. Let’s see if you feel that way after playing Mr. Mom for week.
  8. “You’ve turned into your mother.” It’s a reality no woman is ever ready or willing to face, whether it’s true or not.

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Relationship Rules To Break: I Shouldn’t Have To Ask For The Things That Make Me Feel Loved

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By Robert Gordon

“How can he not know how horribly inappropriate it was to give me a blender for my birthday?” “Does she not get that I can’t just spill my guts on demand? Why is she all up in my face with “What’s wrong? Talk to me!” “Do I have to write him a (expletive deleted) manual to get any sexual satisfaction?” “How can she keep nagging me about a night out with the guys when she knowsit’s the only way I get to blow off steam?”

Hmm. The opposite of “having to ask” would be mind reading, yes?  That’s unfortunate, because we can’t. Why then are we so sure we know what our partner really means with “that tone?” Why are we convinced that if our partner really loved us, if they were the right partner, we wouldn’t need to ask for the obvious?

In spite of the notoriously destructive effects of believing in marital mind reading, the belief is strangely intractable. From whence comes this knotty notion of nuptial clairvoyance?  Ever heard of intermittent reinforcement?  It’s what keeps people going back to the slot machine again and again, even though with every pull of the handle the chance of a jackpot is random, miniscule, and independent of all past pulls. In other words, it’s no more likely to work this time than it ever was. But if the marital mind reading myth seemed to deliver results even once or twice in the past, we cling to it like a gambler does to a slot machine handle.

Is it possible we formed this expectation during the courtship phase of love, when we seemed able to anticipate one another’s every wish? Or were we so high on the neurochemical cocktail of new romance that we were fulfilled by the state of love itself?  Maybe it’s a little of both, but neither of them constitutes mind reading. Problem is, after the blissful merging that is characteristic of the romantic phase of love, we differentiate again. That’s good. We’re supposed to. Failure to do so is a problem in itself, which sometimes shows up as love addiction (“Bring back that lovin’ feeling”) or codependence (“I’ll do anything to hang onto this lovin’ feeling”).

What to do?

I offer these principles and steps.

  1. Vive la difference! There is a simple truth, the ignorance of which sends many a couple into the counseling office: In every relationship there exist two entirely different realities; yours and your partner’s. Embrace this, and you free yourself from a ton of unnecessary suffering. You may also find your way back into the passion that characterized your relationship at the beginning, when your complimentary differences were a source of sexual tension, curiousity, and attraction. Merging is a great place to visit but you don’t want to live there.
  1. Recognize that the conflict that arises from being in an intimate relationship with someone who perceives things very differently than you is growth trying to happen. The point is not to vanquish but to understand.  People who make the stretch to understand each other seem to have an easier time reaching mutually satisfying compromises, or even recognizing that the issue that ignited the conflict was just a red herring from the get-go.
  1. Accept, deeply and finally, that mind-reading in your relationship is a myth. Forgetaboutit. Transcend. Move on.
  1. Communicate.  OK, I know what you’re thinking. (Wait, no I don’t. I just said that was impossible.) I suspect you’re thinking that “better communication” is on the cover of every magazine at the check-out counter from Cosmopolitan to Prevention and it doesn’t do any good. Maybe you’re right.  Admonishments to “communicate better” with no clear and attainable method are ineffective, almost cruel.  But here’s hope: The key is to ask in a way that your partner can hear; a way that gets results without making one of you “wrong.” If you can’t do it on your own, don’t be afraid to go for help.

From The Imago Center Of Washington DC

Real Relationship “Must Have”: Keep The Lines Of Communication OPEN…Forreal.

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By Conrad Jones

Have you ever thought about why is it so important to have an open and comfortable communication environment in your relationships?

What’s the single biggest benefit of being able to openly share your thoughts, feelings, goals, & ideas with someone you care about without having them criticize, condemn or make you feel silly, but excitedly respond to your feelings and open their treasury of thoughts, feelings & dreams to you?

Most people think the biggest benefit of having good communication is “great sex” — and that’s what a lot of “gurus” will tell you too. But these people are completely missing the Big Picture.

You see, great sex is a benefit, but it’s hardly the biggest benefit of being able to openly share your heart with someone you care about and have them do the same.

The REAL big benefit of having a communicative “sharing relationship” is that you can acurately pin-point weak areas in your lovelife and immediately act to improve whatever is causing them, to make building “affair-proof” connections easier, quicker and a lot less painful.

This is an important concept — so let me break it down and explain it in a personal story.

When I first started dating my wife, we though we were compatible in almost every area and everything would be a breeze. Well, living together for awhile, we started to see just how different we really were…

I had this habit (she thought it was nasty…I disagreed) of dropping my clothes on a chair in the room ( …okay, the frontroom) when I got home in the evenings. This would drive her nuts.

Personally, I didn’t see it as a problem because I felt that it was my place, I was home, and what I wanted to do in my castle was totally my business…afterall, I worked hard to pay the rent, right?

So, she’d fuss me out, we’d fight and both be frustrated because she couldn’t understand why I didn’t care about the house and I couldn’t understand why she made such a big deal of this little matter.

…Oh, did I mention I absolutely dislike a nagging, fussing woman?

…I guess she absolutely disliked a nasty, inconsiderate man.

Anyway, to make a long story short, this simple problem began to drive a “silent wedge” between us that made us begin to slowly lose love for each other.

…Did you notice I used the word “silent” above to describe what began to happen between us?

Eventually, we decided to have an open conversation about this issue and agreed not to criticize or condemn each others’ view but listen and find a solution we’d both agree to…I’ll teach you more on how to do this later.

Here’s what the problem really was…This is the short version.

1. I was raised in a home where I had sisters to clean up after me and took this for granted…She was raised in a home where she was made to clean up after everyone (being the oldest)

2. Her mother always taught her to keep the house tidy just in case her father brought home company or someone showed up unexpectantly…she was taught this was a good life practice.

Okay my friend, are you starting to see the different worlds we came from and how they affected how we acted and thought?

…So, what did openly conversating do for our relationship?

1. Well, it helped us to see from the other side of the problem, It allowed us to pin-point exactly what was wrong, and find a solution we both felt comfortable with.

2. It opened the doors for us to easily resolve any other issues that came up in our relationship that we needed to fix.

3. It allowed us to stay together and enjoy together what we both bring into the relationship, and each others’ lives.

So as you can imagine, if you have an open line of communication, you can get results very quickly, easily and without a lot of heartbreak

And that, my friend, is the biggest benefit of having hypnotic communication skills in your relationship.

Are You Always Turned On And Need To Know When To Turn It Off?

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By Team BLAM

Do you have a problem with putting first things first?  Do you have the tendency to get your priorities all screwed up and focus on the wrong things at the wrong time?  Who besides you is impacted in that process?  Who gets hurt in that process?  What gets neglected in that process?  What message is being sent when everything else (including doing this damn video on our date night) comes before your wife, children, and your relationship?  Check out this video and see what happens when you’re always turned on and have trouble discerning when to turn it off.

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CLICK HERE to get your RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENT

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CLICK HERE to learn how to improve the quality of your SEX & INTIMACY

CLICK HERE to get our incredible COMMUNICATION PACKAGE so you can connect like you deserve to.

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How To Persuade Your Man To Give Couples Coaching/Counseling A Real Try

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By Your Tango.com

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Here’s an interesting question: how do you get a man who won’t even ask for directions after driving in circles for two hours to go out and hire a stranger, then tell that person his deepest, darkest secrets?

 

Even when they’re in the company of close friends, men will generally keep sadness, disappointments and other internal conflicts to themselves. So how can your get a strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to a pro—with you?

 

Couples Counseling/Coaching

 

Start the conversation about couples counseling by talking about yourself, not about him. If you talk about him he may feel like you are on the attack, which will make him defensive and less likely to hear what you’re trying to tell him. Tell him you’ve been thinking about therapy because you want to take steps to be a better partner, and you can contribute more to the relationship if you have more tools in your kit.

 

While things can start with you, the process will be much more effective if both of you participate. After all, you’re both members of the couple and to change or improve both sides need to be involved. As a couple, you can both benefit from tips on how to communicate better and have a more satisfying relationship.

 

Invite him to go see someone with you on a strictly no obligation basis to test the waters and see how it feels to him. He might be surprised at how liberating and positive it feels. If the person is the right fit for the two of you, it’s likely that he will feel reassured and some (if not all) of his objections will go away.

 

A caveat: the discussion of going for help might get heated if he jumps to the conclusion that the counseling is the first step to separation or divorce. In your mind, it’s probably just the opposite, so make that clear. This will become more apparent to him once you’ve had a few sessions.

 

Other Issues

 

You might think that if your partner has a deeper problem such as depression or anxiety, it would help to attend sessions along with him, but that is not usually the case. If a man is put off by the thought of seeking help, the thought of looking weak in front of you is going to send him running. When introducing the idea that he might benefit from therapy by himself, it’s important to plant the seed of an idea and nurture it over time. After getting used to the idea he might start to think it’s a good idea.

 

Making suggestions might help to a certain extent, but it often takes a crisis of some kind—a failed friendship, career burnout, or some other traumatic event—to make him take the step towards help. The good news is that once men get down to business and say “yes” to help, that first step often brings a rapid sense of relief. When they admit something is wrong, they usually do what they do best: they get to work and fix it.

 

Men tend to shy away from group therapy situations, however, interpersonal interaction with other men can sometimes be a vital step in the process of healing. It provides an opportunity to break the pattern of isolation from other males. By allowing themselves to connect and be vulnerable with their peer group, men learn to nurture while preserving authentic masculinity. Once in this situation, men are often relieved that they no longer need to try to look good on the outside, while feeling empty and alone inside; they actually find there is strength in vulnerability. And of course you will always be there to support him, as well.

 

A Few Other Tips:

 

When it comes to asking him to join you in this process, try to stay away from issuing ultimatums. It can cloud the issue and raise questions like, “if she’s going to leave me anyway, what’s the point?” Or he may react to the control you’re exerting and rebel against that control “just because.”

When you sit down to talk about working with a coach, try to do it in the following way: 1) Have your logical plan laid out: “I want to go to therapy to work on this issue.” Offer clear details from your perspective. In therapy/coaching they call this talking from the “I” perspective, which helps to avoid blame. 2) Avoid open-ended complaints about your relationship. He knows you’re unhappy; chances are he is too. If you overstate your feelings, the opportunity to have a rational conversation may be lost in the heat of the moment

Stay positive in your approach—remember that most people respond better to praise than criticism. If you can look at the anticipated outcome instead of focusing on the current negativity, it usually goes better.

If you know which pro you want to work with, offer that person as a suggestion. But remember, your partner may want to feel like he’s a part of the decision making process. If he appears resistant to your choice, ask if he would like to help select the pro. Bring him to the website and do a search together.

Consider working with a male pro. Sometimes this can help men to feel more at ease with the process. You can search for men who are in your area or work remotely (this will give additional choices if your community is small). However, remember that simply because a pro is a male doesn’t mean he’s the right one for you; take a look at the whole set of qualities the pro offers, and try to keep an open mind about the male vs. female choice.

Remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day; your relationship didn’t get to the state it’s in overnight and it won’t be fixed overnight. You, your partner and your pro need time to sort through the details and work out a strategy together. Try to set realistic expectations for everyone by respecting the process and not pushing to fix things faster than they can honestly be mended.

If you’re at a loss for how to begin the conversation with your guy, talk to a pro and ask his or her advice. Professionals deal with this kind of dilemma frequently and often have ways to encourage men to participate.

Finally, when all else fails, remember that you love your partner and your desire to get help stems from the belief that you two can be happier. If you meet complete resistance, remind him that you’re doing this for you and for him. Appeal to his love for you and ask him to trust your judgment that this is something that will make things better.

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My Man’s The Best There Ever Was But I’m Leaving

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VIDEO: There is a reason for every relationship we have in our lives. We believe the reason for every relationship is to somehow and some way help you GROW!!!! Sometimes these relationships are painful and sometimes these relationships are pleasant…..either way there is value. Take the value, the lessons learned in your relationship, and show gratitude…..even if it’s time for you to leave this relationship behind. Here, we give our view on a situation where a young lady writes in basically saying her man is wonderful….yet she plans to leave. Check out the details of this situation and leave a comment with what you think.

Need To Get Some Negative Feelings Out? Write A Love Letter.

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By Aiyana Ma’at

One of the best things I’ve learned to do to get my feelings out (especially when I’m feeling a whole lot) when I’m upset with Ayize is this: Write A Love Letter. It may seem counterintuitive. I mean when you’re mad or disappointed who feels like writing a Love Letter, right? I certainly don’t…but it works so I do it anyway. So, just how does it work and what does it do? Well, it does 3 things.

#1 It helps me to release (and stop holding onto) all of the feelings I’m having.

If you’re anything like me you can hold a grudge like nobody’s business. When I’m mad…I’m not kinda mad. I’m UPSET and I can run through whatever happened, how wrong my husband is, and why i’m so upset a million times in my head…over and over. It’s not helpful and it sure ain’t healthy but it has become a habit (a bad one) and so to interrupt the vicious cycle of “I’m mad, I have a right to be mad, and let me tell you why” playing like a broken record in my head I write so that I can just put my feelings down on paper, get them out, and see them in front of me. There’s something about seeing your pain on paper that helps to bring perspective to whether or not a feeling is what I say it is or whether or not it goes deeper than that (meaning Ayize has kicked up something in me but the feeling really goes deeper than what he said or did.

#2 It allows my husband to really get into my heart and mind and understand my perception of the situation and where I’m coming from.

He usually can do that much easier when I write a Love Letter letter because he doesn’t have to deal with my tone of voice (which may not be the best and ultimately doesn’t help him understand me) or having to answer me right away. He can sit with what I’ve written for a little while so that he can give his best response instead of responding defensively or critically.

#3 It always and I mean always helps me to get beyond my anger and move to where and why I’m hurt.

It never fails I usually begin my letter with the feelings that are easier for me to identify: “I’m mad because…” I’m upset because…” but it’s not long before I begin to tap into the deeper places in my heart and my pen begins to write : ” I love you so much because…” or “I’m hurt because… ” or “I need you because…”

Plain and simple writing a Love Letter when you’re mad as hell is the way out of that hell of emotions and back into the love and peace that you really want and need. To find our loving feelings, many times we need to first feel all our negative feelings. Writing Love Letters automatically lessens the intensity of our negative feelings and allows us to more fully experience our positive feelings. Here are some guidelines for writing your Love Letter.

  • Address the letter to your partner. Pretend that he or she is listening to you with love and understanding.
  • Include all of the feelings you are feeling…anger, sadness, fear, regret, and then love.
  • After each section, pause and notice the next feeling coming up. Write about that feeling.
  • DO NOT stop your letter until you get to the love. Be patient and wait for the love to come out.
  • Sign your name at the end. Take a few minutes to think about what you need or want. Write it in a P.S. For example, P.S. I need to know that you still enjoy being my friend and being with me like when we first got together. I want to spend more time together starting with a date this weekend.

Nothing happens on accident. If you’re reading this then you very likely need to get to writing! 🙂 And, don’t forget to write until you get to the L-O-V-E! Stop Playing Start Pushing. 😉

8 Things That Lousy Listeners Do

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By Marie Hartwell-Walker Ed.D

Most people know that one of the keys to success in relationships is good listening.

Experts tell us to use “active” listening, “I messages,” and open-ended questions. Articles urge us to stop talking when someone speaks, to use our body language effectively to encourage the other guy, and to work to understand what is meant as well as what is said. We’ve been told that men are from Mars and women are from Venus and we’ve been taught how to translate the gender languages. Yet despite all that, developing good listening skills continues to be a challenge for some people.

Generally, it’s better to emphasize the positive and teach folks useful skills. But at least some people some of the time find it equally useful to have the negative pointed out and explained. They want guidelines for what not to do. So here are eight ways that lousy listeners louse up communication and probably louse up their relationships.

  1. Lousy listeners are attending to other things when you are speaking. Proud of their ability to multitask, they continue to scan the newspaper, pick up the living room, text, or clean their desk while being addressed. An occasional ‘uh-huh’ is supposed to cue you that, really, they are with you. They’re not — or at least not totally. Their mind is distracted. Chances are they miss important pieces of your message — even if they protest that they don’t.
  2. Lousy listeners are planning how they will respond even while you are speaking. They are so busy rehearsing their reply that they miss part of your message and don’t catch the nuances of your communication. They’re ready with a paragraph before you’ve even completed a sentence.
  3. Lousy listeners steal the ball. You say something like, “I can hardly wait to tell you about my trip to the Grand Canyon.” Before you get the last word out, they start: “The Grand Canyon? I was there once. Let me tell you. It was so interesting. We went on this and did that and this and that happened. And we met these wonderful people at the dude ranch we stayed at.” They are off and running with their description of their own experience. You are left to hold your story for another day – if you get the chance then either.
  4. Lousy listeners change the subject before you are ready to do so. Maybe you are talking about something sensitive between you or maybe the topic is just more meaningful to you. Either because they aren’t interested or because you are making them nervous, they steer the conversation to something that interests them more or that makes them feel safer. You say, “I’d love to go see such and such a concert.” They say, “Sunday night is football night.” Collaboration or compromise isn’t a strong point. You say, “I’m really upset with the way you spoke to my mother.” They say, “What are we having for dinner tonight?” Empathy isn’t a strong point either.

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Stop Stewing In Relationship Resentment

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By Team BLAM

How long are you gonna stew?  How long are you going to sit in this place of confusion and refuse to move out of this place that you know isn’t serving you?  It isn’t serving you as an individual.  It isn’t serving your growth.  It’s not serving your insight.  It ain’t serving your relationship.  It’s not serving the creator.  How long are you gonna stew?

Where Is The “Safe Space” In Your Relationship?

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By Team BLAM

Where is the safe space in your relationship?  Do you have rituals that you and and your spouse engage in TOGETHER that shifts your mental and emotional atmosphere in such a way that you to feel secure in the midst of chaos.  Is there some place in your relationship where you can slowly close your eyes and relax because you know in this space there’s stillness?  When you dance with your spouse? When you hold your spouse’s hand? When you gaze into their eyes? When you kiss?  When you’re in each other’s arms?  Where is the safe space in your relationship?

We ask this question because there will be times in your relationship when you get tired.  There will be times when even the idea of another word spoken is exhausting.  There will be times when you’re wore the hell out.  There will be times when you just flat out don’t feel like fighting anymore and you’ll need a safe space to be able to express that.

One way to assess the emotional maturity of your relationship is to ask yourself do you feel comfortable telling your spouse “I don’t feel like fighting anymore”?  Do you feel comfortable telling your spouse that you’re overwhelmed and you need a break whether it be with the kids, with work, with life, with whateva?  When you express that…how does your spouse respond?  Is he/she supportive?  Do they provide that safe space for you or are they critical when you take the risk to convey “I don’t feel like fighting anymore”?

If you don’t feel comfortable expressing to your spouse that you need to take a moment to “tap out”…that’s a problem.  If you don’t feel comfortable acknowledging that you’re not on your “A” game right now…and truthfully you’re barely getting a “F”….that’s a problem.  If you’re not o.k. saying baby I need you to handle “this”, because you just don’t have it in you….that’s a problem.  You need room in your relationship to express the range of emotions that you’re going to experience.

An admission of a feeling is not resignation to a permanent state of being, it’s just an expression of where you are emotionally in that moment.  Just because you say you need a break it doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily gonna take a break.  You may …or may not.  More importantly, as we work through our relationships we need to know that at some point we all will want to say to our significant other, “I don’t feel like fighting anymore”.  And it’s in that moment of vulnerability, that what we want most from our spouse is for them to simply UNDERSTAND.