The Power Of An Apology…

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By Beverly Engel

When I was 35 years old, I divorced my mother. I felt that under the circumstances, it was the only thing I could do. I had long felt that she had damaged me with emotional abuse while I was growing up, and during my adulthood she continued to treat me in ways I didn’t like. I became so emotionally and physically stressed when I was with her that it affected my health. So I made the difficult yet necessary decision to stop seeing her. The estrangement lasted three years. During that time, I wrote a book titled Divorcing a Parent, in which I told about the experience of divorcing my mother and encouraged others in similar situations to consider doing the same. Then one day the phone rang. When I picked it up the person on the other end of the line said, “I’m sorry.” It was my mother. Waves of relief washed over me. Resentment, fear and anger drained out. Much to my surprise, those two simple words seemed to wipe away years of pain and bitterness. They were the words I had been waiting to hear most of my life.

I knew that it had taken all the courage my extremely proud mother could muster to say them, so I didn’t have to belabor the point. The important thing was that she was saying she was sorry—something she’d never done before. I could tell by the tone of her voice that she truly regretted the way she had treated me.

Of course, this was only the beginning of the story. Although I believed her apology, I didn’t yet know if her behavior toward me would be different. This I tested over time. But by apologizing she had acknowledged that I had a reason to be hurt and angry, and that was extremely empowering for me.

Apology changed my life. I believe it can change yours, as well. Almost like magic, apology has the power to repair harm, mend relationships, soothe wounds and heal broken hearts.

Apology is not just a social nicety. It is an important ritual, a way of showing respect and empathy for the wronged person. It is also a way of acknowledging an act that, if otherwise left unnoticed, might compromise the relationship. Apology has the ability to disarm others of their anger and to prevent further misunderstandings. While an apology cannot undo harmful past actions, if done sincerely and effectively, it can undo the negative effects of those actions.

Apology is crucial to our mental and even physical health. Research shows that receiving an apology has a noticeable, positive physical effect on the body. An apology actually affects the bodily functions of the person receiving it—blood pressure decreases, heart rate slows and breathing becomes steadier.

Emotional Benefits of Apology

*A person who has been harmed feels emotional healing when he is acknowledged by the wrongdoer.

*When we receive an apology, we no longer perceive the wrongdoer as a personal threat.

*Apology helps us to move past our anger and prevents us from being stuck in the past.

*Apology opens the door to forgiveness by allowing us to have empathy for the wrongdoer.

*Apology Benefits the Receiver and the Giver

The debilitating effects of the remorse and shame we may feel when we’ve hurt another person can eat away at us until we become emotionally and physically ill. By apologizing and taking responsibility for our actions we help rid ourselves of esteem-robbing self-reproach and guilt.

Apology has the power to humble even the most arrogant. When we develop the courage to admit we are wrong and work past our resistance to apologizing, we develop a deep sense of self-respect.

Apologizing helps us remain emotionally connected to our friends and loved ones. Knowing we have wronged someone may cause us to distance ourselves from the person, but once we have apologized we feel freer to be vulnerable and intimate.

And there is another little-talked-about benefit: Since apologizing usually causes us to feel humiliated, it can also act as a deterrent, reminding us to not repeat the act.

The Connection Between Apology and Empathy

To forgive, most people need to gain some empathy and compassion for the wrongdoer. This is where apology comes in. When someone apologizes, it is a lot easier to view him or her in a compassionate way. When wrongdoers apologize, we find it easier to forgive them.

This is likely because when someone confesses to and apologizes for hurting us, we are then able to develop a new image of that person. Instead of seeing him through anger and bitterness, the person’s humility and apology cause us to see him as a fallible, vulnerable human being. We see the wrongdoer as more human, more like ourselves and this moves us.

Michael E. McCullough, Ph.D., Steven J. Sandage, M.S., and Everett L. Worthington Jr., Ph.D., examined whether the effect of apology on our capacity to forgive is due to our increased empathy toward an apologetic offender. They discovered that much of why people find it easy to forgive an apologetic wrongdoer is that apology and confession increase empathy, which heightens the ability to forgive.

McCullough, who is the director of research at the privately funded National Institute for Healthcare Research in Rockville, Maryland, believes that apology encourages forgiveness by eliciting sympathy. He and his colleagues published research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology that supports this hypothesis.

BLAM Fam, Given all that you’ve just read and learned: Who do you need to apologize to today?

Beverly Engel is a contributing writer for Psychology Today. View her other writings here.

From Hiding To Healing Your Shame

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By Darlene Lancer, MFT

Shame is so painful to the psyche that most people will do anything to avoid it, even though it’s a natural emotion that everyone has. It’s a physiologic response of the autonomic nervous system. You might blush, have a rapid heartbeat, break into a sweat, freeze, hang your head, slump your shoulders, avoid eye contact, withdraw, even get dizzy or nauseous.

Why Shame is so Painful

Whereas guilt is a right or wrong judgment about your behavior, shame is a feeling about yourself. Guilt motivates you to want to correct or repair the error. In contrast, shame is an intense global feeling of inadequacy, inferiority, or self-loathing. You want to hide or disappear. In front of others, you feel exposed and humiliated, as if they can see your flaws. The worst part of it is a profound sense of separation — from yourself and from others. It’s disintegrating, meaning that you lose touch with all the other parts of yourself, and you also feel disconnected from everyone else. Shame induces unconscious beliefs, such as:

  • I’m a failure.
  • I’m not important.
  • I’m unlovable.
  • I don’t deserve to be happy.
  • I’m a bad person.
  • I’m a phony.
  • I’m defective.

Chronic Shame in Addiction and Codependency

As with all emotions, shame passes. But for addicts and codependents it hangs around, often beneath consciousness, and leads to other painful feelings and problematic behaviors. You’re ashamed of who you are. You don’t believe that you matter or are worthy of love, respect, success, or happiness. When shame becomes all-pervasive, it paralyzes spontaneity. A chronic sense of unworthiness and inferiority can result in depression, hopelessness, and despair, until you become numb, feeling disconnected from life and everyone else.

Shame can lead to addiction and is the core feeling that leads to many other codependents’ symptoms. Here are a few of the other symptoms that are derived from shame:

  • Perfectionism
  • Low self-esteem
  • People-pleasing
  • Guilt

For codependents, shame can lead to control, caretaking, and dysfunctional, nonassertive communication. Shame creates many fears and anxieties that make relationships difficult, especially intimate ones. Many people sabotage themselves in work and relationships because of these fears. You aren’t assertive when shame causes you to be afraid to speak your mind, take a position, or express who you are. You blame others because you already feel so bad about yourself that you can’t take responsibility for any mistake or misunderstanding. Meanwhile, you apologize like crazy to avoid just that! Codependents are afraid to get close because they don’t believe they’re worthy of love, or that once known, they’ll disappoint the other person. The unconscious thought might be that “I’ll leave before you leave me.” Fear of success and failure may limit job performance and career options.

Hidden Shame

Because shame is so painful, it’s common for people to hide their shame from themselves by feeling sad, superior, or angry at a perceived insult instead. Other times, it comes out as boasting, envy, or judgment of others. The more aggressive and contemptuous are these feelings, the stronger the shame. An obvious example is a bully, who brings others down to raise himself up, but this can happen all in your mind.

It needn’t be that extreme. You might talk down to those you teach or supervise, people of a different class or culture, or someone you judge. Another tell-tale symptom is frequent idealization of others, because you feel so low in comparison. The problem with these defenses is that if you aren’t aware of your shame, it doesn’t dissipate. Instead, it persists and mounts up.

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3 Things A Man Needs From His Woman

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By J.R. Bruns, M.D.

Writer Susan Walsh published an informative  article this week on how a woman  can  do her part  to keep her man secure and happy. She says that these are three common sense things that men crave to receive from women and, speaking from experience, have resulted in her own long and happy marriage. These qualities are important to meet the emotional needs of a potential  or current husband.

The first quality Ms. Walsh tries to provide to her husband every day is affection and desire. She urges the female reader to make it a priority in your life to touch and hold your man. We know that the hormone oxytocin is released when couples touch and hug and they subsequently feel bonded to one another.  Best-selling author John Gray observed that the resentment that builds up in men in a committed relationship is washed away when they enjoy regular sexual relations. It’s simply good science to take advantage of this unifying mechanism.

Loyalty is the second key factor  that Ms. Walsh emphasizes that women must provide to their mate. By loyalty she means a commitment to the person to love and respect them in public.  Any disagreements are to be handled in private. Once a woman begins regularly berating or mocking her partner in public, all romance is driven out of a relationship. The man knows there is no acceptance of his true self and withdraws. He may try to hide his hurt, but the cold anger grows in his soul and soon becomes manifested in his outward actions toward his partner. Watching a couple  that are bristling with resentment kiss in public is a painful spectacle to behold.

CLICK HERE to read more.

My Husband The College Student

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By Shauntae Hinkle-Lymas

In two weeks, my husband will be an official college student, and I couldn’t be happier. But I have to admit that it took me more than 3 years to convince him to go back to school to get his education. The reason why it took so long? He was afraid of college.

 

Yeah, you read it right. He was scared to death of going back to school beyond high school. At first I thought this was all a joke. I mean, he’s a grown man, for crying out loud! But lo and behold, I discovered that the thought of going back to school after being laid off of his job made him really nervous. But I never would have found that out if I didn’t stick in there with him.

 

Trust me, I was ready to throw in the towel on our marriage a couple of times. It angered me that this man had to be coaxed into going back to school (or so it seemed). I had no clue that this was a real, clinical fear of his. He really needed counseling, and nothing hurts more to see the man you love with fears so deep that it stifles their growth.

 

But I finally convinced him. And after (almost literally) dragging Timothy to the school’s college administration building for scholarships, enrollment, and financial aid information, he stopped himself in the middle of the parking lot and started shaking his head.

 

“I could have been in school a long time ago,” he said under his breath.

 

I rolled my eyes in my head. But that’s when he began to pull away layers of himself and his fears. He told me things I never realized scared him to his core. Like him being nervous about being able to keep up with other young people in his class (something he’s always had trouble with). He also told me about him being overlooked for help when he needed it most, by both his mother and his teachers.

 

Even after he told me, I was still thinking to myself, “Well buck up and get over it, dog.” But I had to come to realize that sometimes our spouses aren’t strong enough to take the first step. That’s when you have to hold their hands and take the first step with them.

 

And that’s what I did. I filled out all of his financial aid paperwork, his admissions forms, and I am currently helping him sort through scholarship stuff. At first I felt stupid and embarrassed doing it. I could hear my best friend in my ear telling me how he should be able to get up on his own if he really wants to meet his goals. And that’s the kind of talk that I hear my friends and family tell me all the time. “I don’t have time to teach my man what his momma should have taught him.”

 

But then I had to remember that this is an area where my husband is weak. And if I can’t be there for him when he’s at his weakest, then what would I be willing to do for him in our marriage. If I couldn’t be strong enough to take the first step with him (and in this case, I took it for him), then what would I be strong enough to help him with?

 

I concluded that not only would I take this first step for him, but I would take a lot of other first steps with him until he’s strong enough to do it himself. I’m going to drop him off at school when he doesn’t want to go; I’m going to call his tutor when he’s screwing up, and I’ll even talk to his teachers to find out how I can support him when he needs it the most. All of these things he’s done for me now that I’m back in school for my second degree. The least I could do for him is be there for him too.

 

I’d be a fool if I didn’t say that my biggest fear would be him divorcing me, and/or leaving me for a white woman the same way Bernadine’s husband did her in the movie “Waiting to Exhale”. But through all of this, I’ve learned that part of loving someone is giving them strength when they don’t have it.

 

I’m sure my husband will make me very proud. But I’m not worried about him making me proud. I’m already proud to be married to a black man that actually believes in marriage (because so many act like they don’t nowadays). I just want him to make himself proud. That’s all I want.

 

Am I foolish for doing this? Probably. But it’s a small sacrifice to make in life’s big picture.

Shauntae Hinkle-Lymas is a professional freelance graphic designer, and web design student in San Diego. She and her husband, Timothy Lymas, have been married seven years (although that number is questionable because they keep forgetting their wedding anniversary, but that story is for another day). Timothy and Shauntae, along with their only son Tim Jr. (TJ) loves listening to music, swimming, learning the ukelele/keyboard, and finger painting. You can check out some of the digital illustrations that Shauntae will be exhibiting at the San Diego County Fair at artandish.tumblr.com.

What Do You Do When Both Of You Are Weak?

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There’s been a bit of tension in the Ma’at home over the past couple of days.  I’ve been a bit grumpy and agitated by the slightest of things.  Aiyana has been more quiet than usual.  There’s been this uneasiness infecting the typically pleasant atmosphere in our home.  I raise my hand and acknowledge that I’m guilty of contributing to the distasteful energy…but it wasn’t until yesterday that I realized the reason I am where I am emotionally is because I’m feeling a bit weak and overwhelmed by the thought of my son’s upcoming surgery.   When you get a sec check out this video and let me know what you do when both you and your spouse are feeling weak.

My Husband Is A Big Baby Sometimes…Is Yours?

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By Aiyana Ma’at

It’s amazing to me how sickness can pass through the house and the main one who always seems to be “man down” is my husband.  I love him to death but dude really? lol  I know I’m not the only one in this boat because ALL of my girlfriends say the exact same thing….”My husband acts like a big baby when he’s sick”.  For the most part it’s all good because Mama is going to take care of you…BUT..many -a- times I’m thinking to myself…”Dude, is it really that serious? Does every cold have to be the Flu?” lol

I’m Struggling With Same Sex Attraction Part 1

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I first I want to say that I love reading your blog. I love watching you guys together, your chemistry is real. I also love your sense of humor as well…it puts a smile on my face and keeps me going! Seriously.

Anyway, I’m just so overwhelmed in my life and marriage that I dont know where to begin. I could write a book about my life. I am a woman, wife and mother after God’s own heart. Its a daily struggle for me. I know the word says that God will put no more on me then I can bare…doesn’t feel like that. I don’t see any good coming out of what the enemy meant for harm.

My marriage is not thriving, we have sooo many issues from, trust, lust, lying, infidelity, sexual immorality….just stuff! My husband wanted a threesome cause he found out my best friends was bisexual and that we kissed. That’s a long story but that’s not the life I want for myself or my marriage. His heart has hardened toward me. We are just existing, more like roommates and my heart hurts so bad! Below, in bold italics is another email I sent to another blog looking for help but I haven’t received a response. I know this is a long email and a lot of information. Hopefully you will be able to respond, if not, please keep me in your prayers.

This will be very difficult for me to share so please bare with me. No one knows what I’m about to share, at least not in full detail, besides my best friend.

I have struggled with same sex attraction for a while. Actually not really attraction, it’s been more of a ‘sexual’ thing for me. Its not like I want to be in a relationship with a woman. I would get more aroused from watching porn of two women then actually wanting to be engaged in the act.

My past:
My first sexual experience was with a girl. I was spending the night with a friend, about 10 years old, and she started touching me during the middle of the night. I thought I was dreaming. I knew it felt good until but then I woke up and realized it was happening for real. I was too ashamed to say anything and too scared to actually let her know I knew what was going on. So I pretended to still be sleep, while she touched me. Nothing was ever said. This ordeal basically opened a Pandora’s box. The second encounter, which was about a year later, was basically two childhood friends playing house…nothing major right? Harmless so I thought. We touched each other, kissed each other…”playing mommy and daddy”. But of course two young to really understand, the seed had been planted.

I never wanted to be in a relationship with a woman but I often wondered what it would be like sexually. I was introduced to porn at young age, due to snooping. Another seed. I was very aroused by watching, and even more so with the women. I could not wrap my head around it.
I was very promiscuous. I have always been attracted to men and I’ve always had relationships with only men. But the curiosity never left.

Fast Forward:
I am married, 15 years, with two teenagers. My relationship has been rocky majority of our relationship. I’ve never really felt loved by husband. I’m lonely majority of the time. I am in a vulnerable state and I thrive for his attention.
My husband has in the past, accused me of being gay or bisexual. Don’t really remember what brought this on at the time but I was offended. My husband did not know anything about my past at the time. He has never been easy to talk to and he has controlling and has manipulative ways, so I was basically scared. I have never felt “safe” with sharing my heart and deep emotional pain due to judgement and based on how he has reacted in the past.
Our relationship started off very fast. We met, after 6 months we were moved in with each other and after 1 year I was pregnant with our first child. We got married while I was 8 months pregnant. We spent the first year together, everyday. We were “in love” or infatuated. I had just come out of a long relationship and was not looking to be in another one. I had no real healing and I have never been in the position of getting to know myself. As long as I can remember, I have been in a relationship with somebody. My husband is very different from most men I have dated. I have, for the most part, always been put on a pedal stool. I have been cherished. The men always “showed” affection and love toward me. The relationship I had prior to my husband was the one that left me with low self esteem, confused and lonely. He cheated on me…Never thought something like that could happen to”me”. So I went into this marriage blind and broken! Prior to meeting my husband I wrote a list of things I wanted in a mate. Here is some of what I asked for…

“To not always want sex (this guy I was seeing prior, that was all we did), someone that stood on his own, somebody that I wouldn’t be able to push around, someone that can think for himself.” These are just some examples…and let me just tell you, God has a sense of humor!! 🙂 If only I can renounce some of those things I said. God gave me exactly what I asked for. The sad thing is, there is no real intimacy now. He is not affectionate. He doesn’t speak my love language AT ALL! He STANDS ON HIS OWN FOR SURE! He seems very controlling and manipulative at times. We rarely have sex, which is the only way I receive any time of affection or intimacy from him. This has been very hard for me and thus why our relationship has experienced most of its turmoil. Moving on…

I started working for a company and I made quick friends. It was about 7 of us, 3 of them happen to be gay. Not a big issue. I even told my husband that one girl I had become really good friends with was gay. Didn’t think it was a real issue at the time. But my husband started with his thoughts in his head from that moment on. Anyway this young lady I was friends with started to like me. Besides just being curious, there was never any attraction on my end. However I did find it flattering. This was my first time actually being around gay people.
Because of the way my husband is, and because of some of things we were going through, and I don’t know where it started for me exactly, but it made it very difficult to be honest with him about things. I became a big liar early on in our marriage. About everything, big or small. BIG MISTAKE! This has never been a problem in any relationship I have ever had. He use to have problems with everything. He hated that I knew a lot of people. He hated that I had so many friends. I would almost dread going out, in fear of running into someone I knew. I allowed him to manipulate me. I allowed him to get inside my head. This fear would cause me to not want to bring friends around, go out, or basically do anything. I felt myself doing a lot of things in secret, and for no reason at all! Simply based on “feelings”. (gee, there is SO much to my story).

 

Do You Ever Get Tired Of Your Boo Wearing The Same Thing?

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We didn’t even intend to do this video….it just kind of happened when we sat down to record.  In our process of preparing to record I noticed something that is beginning to look way too familiar.  That something I noticed was Aiyana’s hat.  Check out this video and see how I bring it to her attention in a loving way that I’m getting tired of her wearing that damn hat.  lol Enjoy.

Is there something that your spouse wears that you’re getting tired of seeing?

Drop us a line and let us know what it is.

7 Tips To Getting Over A Breakup

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By Nathan Files

Relationship breakups are tough. They are emotionally exhausting, and can be incapacitating at times. For some who begin to dwell in regret and sadness, breakups can even spiral into depression. Even the breakups that make the most logical sense are still emotionally painful. And in fact, it is the emotional — not logical — part of ourselves that causes us to dwell in these relationships that we may logically know are not healthy for us.

While a grieving period is expected after a breakup, as breakups are a form of loss, it can be easy to get caught in an emotionally harmful pattern if we don’t actively push ourselves forward in our lives.

So how do we emotionally get through a breakup and also move forward in an emotionally healthy manner?

1. Make plans.

Social interaction is one of the keys to moving forward after a breakup. Isolation often leads to being consumed by emotions and thoughts that exacerbate our sadness and upset. Schedule plans in advance to see friends or family at least a few times during the week and weekends, especially if you live alone, and be sure to follow through with them. If you feel you don’t want to be around anyone, which can be common after a breakup, this is the time to act opposite of the urge. Push yourself to interact with people and prevent a pattern of loneliness and depression.

2. Be aware of the rebound.

Breakups often are a time of intense emotional vulnerability. We are seeking stability. When we feel we can’t internally create it, it is quite possible to engage in unhealthy new relationships that cover up healthy relationship grieving.

While at first the replacement relationship brings a sense of euphoria, the unresolved emotions from the previous relationship often return, creating a more complicated and confusing emotional environment. If you find yourself falling into a new and exciting relationship too soon, you could be experiencing a rebound.

3. Participate in hobbies.

Hobbies are a positive way to keep from dwelling in sadness and forming negative patterns. Whether it’s doing a puzzle, going to museums, gardening, bowling, reading, or whatever it is you enjoy doing, allow yourself to create time and space for them. Be sure to include social hobbies as well as individual ones.

4. Keep up daily self-care routines.

It is also important to remember to take care of your daily needs when dealing with a breakup. Go to the gym, jog, swim, walk, cook, etc. Some may feel less motivated to grocery shop, prepare meals, eat, or shower after a breakup. These may require some extra effort at times, but push yourself to continue your daily routines as before.

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Falling In Love Is Really About Falling For Self

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By Gerti Schoen, MA,LP

Projections are a funny thing. Just like we project those parts of ourselves we don’t like all that much onto others (as I described in a previous post), we project the good parts as well.

We call it falling in love. When we fall for someone, it’s often not so much about the other person. It’s about ourselves.

We find ourselves irresistibly attracted to character traits of the adored other that we seemingly don’t possess.

“He seems to be the perfect fusion of male strength and female sensitivity” one of my friends recently gushed about her new lover. “I can’t stop thinking about him.”

What she neglected to see was that she herself is a pretty well rounded person. She is compassionate when compassion is needed and assertive when assertion is needed. But she can’t picture herself that way because she keeps thinking that she really is inadequate.

I’ve recently been reading Robert A. Johnson’s work, who is a Jungian analyst and well versed in matters of the psyche. In his book “We – Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love,” he links that period of falling for someone to an inner ideal we have of others and ourselves.

This idealized image represents the noblest and most cherished character traits we seek – and in some form already possess within ourselves but which remain ignored and unrefined.

“When we are in love, we feel completed, as though a missing part of ourselves has been returned to us” writes Johnson.We strive to become whole, to attain character traits we feel we are lacking or have lost.

CLICK HERE to read more.