I first I want to say that I love reading your blog. I love watching you guys together, your chemistry is real. I also love your sense of humor as well…it puts a smile on my face and keeps me going! Seriously.
Anyway, I’m just so overwhelmed in my life and marriage that I dont know where to begin. I could write a book about my life. I am a woman, wife and mother after God’s own heart. Its a daily struggle for me. I know the word says that God will put no more on me then I can bare…doesn’t feel like that. I don’t see any good coming out of what the enemy meant for harm.
My marriage is not thriving, we have sooo many issues from, trust, lust, lying, infidelity, sexual immorality….just stuff! My husband wanted a threesome cause he found out my best friends was bisexual and that we kissed. That’s a long story but that’s not the life I want for myself or my marriage. His heart has hardened toward me. We are just existing, more like roommates and my heart hurts so bad! Below, in bold italics is another email I sent to another blog looking for help but I haven’t received a response. I know this is a long email and a lot of information. Hopefully you will be able to respond, if not, please keep me in your prayers.
This will be very difficult for me to share so please bare with me. No one knows what I’m about to share, at least not in full detail, besides my best friend.
I have struggled with same sex attraction for a while. Actually not really attraction, it’s been more of a ‘sexual’ thing for me. Its not like I want to be in a relationship with a woman. I would get more aroused from watching porn of two women then actually wanting to be engaged in the act.
My first sexual experience was with a girl. I was spending the night with a friend, about 10 years old, and she started touching me during the middle of the night. I thought I was dreaming. I knew it felt good until but then I woke up and realized it was happening for real. I was too ashamed to say anything and too scared to actually let her know I knew what was going on. So I pretended to still be sleep, while she touched me. Nothing was ever said. This ordeal basically opened a Pandora’s box. The second encounter, which was about a year later, was basically two childhood friends playing house…nothing major right? Harmless so I thought. We touched each other, kissed each other…”playing mommy and daddy”. But of course two young to really understand, the seed had been planted.
I never wanted to be in a relationship with a woman but I often wondered what it would be like sexually. I was introduced to porn at young age, due to snooping. Another seed. I was very aroused by watching, and even more so with the women. I could not wrap my head around it.
I was very promiscuous. I have always been attracted to men and I’ve always had relationships with only men. But the curiosity never left.
I am married, 15 years, with two teenagers. My relationship has been rocky majority of our relationship. I’ve never really felt loved by husband. I’m lonely majority of the time. I am in a vulnerable state and I thrive for his attention.
My husband has in the past, accused me of being gay or bisexual. Don’t really remember what brought this on at the time but I was offended. My husband did not know anything about my past at the time. He has never been easy to talk to and he has controlling and has manipulative ways, so I was basically scared. I have never felt “safe” with sharing my heart and deep emotional pain due to judgement and based on how he has reacted in the past.
Our relationship started off very fast. We met, after 6 months we were moved in with each other and after 1 year I was pregnant with our first child. We got married while I was 8 months pregnant. We spent the first year together, everyday. We were “in love” or infatuated. I had just come out of a long relationship and was not looking to be in another one. I had no real healing and I have never been in the position of getting to know myself. As long as I can remember, I have been in a relationship with somebody. My husband is very different from most men I have dated. I have, for the most part, always been put on a pedal stool. I have been cherished. The men always “showed” affection and love toward me. The relationship I had prior to my husband was the one that left me with low self esteem, confused and lonely. He cheated on me…Never thought something like that could happen to”me”. So I went into this marriage blind and broken! Prior to meeting my husband I wrote a list of things I wanted in a mate. Here is some of what I asked for…
“To not always want sex (this guy I was seeing prior, that was all we did), someone that stood on his own, somebody that I wouldn’t be able to push around, someone that can think for himself.” These are just some examples…and let me just tell you, God has a sense of humor!! 🙂 If only I can renounce some of those things I said. God gave me exactly what I asked for. The sad thing is, there is no real intimacy now. He is not affectionate. He doesn’t speak my love language AT ALL! He STANDS ON HIS OWN FOR SURE! He seems very controlling and manipulative at times. We rarely have sex, which is the only way I receive any time of affection or intimacy from him. This has been very hard for me and thus why our relationship has experienced most of its turmoil. Moving on…
I started working for a company and I made quick friends. It was about 7 of us, 3 of them happen to be gay. Not a big issue. I even told my husband that one girl I had become really good friends with was gay. Didn’t think it was a real issue at the time. But my husband started with his thoughts in his head from that moment on. Anyway this young lady I was friends with started to like me. Besides just being curious, there was never any attraction on my end. However I did find it flattering. This was my first time actually being around gay people.
Because of the way my husband is, and because of some of things we were going through, and I don’t know where it started for me exactly, but it made it very difficult to be honest with him about things. I became a big liar early on in our marriage. About everything, big or small. BIG MISTAKE! This has never been a problem in any relationship I have ever had. He use to have problems with everything. He hated that I knew a lot of people. He hated that I had so many friends. I would almost dread going out, in fear of running into someone I knew. I allowed him to manipulate me. I allowed him to get inside my head. This fear would cause me to not want to bring friends around, go out, or basically do anything. I felt myself doing a lot of things in secret, and for no reason at all! Simply based on “feelings”. (gee, there is SO much to my story).