Getting through the discomfort….the meantime is hard. Especially when there’s so much expectancy, possibility, and becoming awaiting you on the other side. “Becoming” is all about pushing past the discomfort…..the difficulty and making a decision that you’re determined to have your destiny. Be intentional yall!
Why do we allow ourselves to deal with the same ish over and over again? Why do we ignore things we know we need to address? Why do we rationalize our partner’s behavior and tell ourselves lies? Do we think we can’t handle the truth? Do we really not want to know the truth? At the end of the day we need to believe our partner when they show us who they are.
Listen in for a little more….. and psssst….. ignore my swollen cheek….I had just had my wisdom tooth pulled! 😉
Are you devoting all of your time and attention to what’s going on with reality t.v. and failing to pay attention to the reality of your relationship? 9 times ouf 10 when a relationship is on the brink of despair and at the door of no retuen and one partner claims to be totally surprised that they are even in this space it is because they simply weren’t paying attention. Never underestimate the value of concentrated time and attention and what it can do for your relationship. Listen in & let us know your thougths!
#Stopplayingstartpushing
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
The fear of rejection is a huge issue in relationships. For some, the fear is so huge that it stops them from being in a relationship. For others, it plagues them throughout their relationships and causes much anxiety. Rejection is a part of life, and learning to lovingly manage it is very important to our wellbeing.
To help you learn to move beyond the fear of rejection, I would like to help you see who a person is rejecting when they reject you. Are they rejecting your wounded self or your core Self?
Your wounded self is the self you created when you were growing up to protect yourself from pain. This is the ego – the part of us filled with fear and false beliefs, and many ways of trying to get love and avoid pain. This is the part of us that gives ourselves up, or gets angry, blaming, or critical, or turns to various addictions, or is resistant, or is numbed out or withdrawn.
The wounded self in all of us is not lovable. No one falls in love with our wounded self. No one even really likes our wounded self.
Your core Self is who you really are – who GOD created rather than who YOU created. This is your true Self, your essence. This is the part of all of us that is inherently lovable and loving. This is who someone falls in love with.
When you have been rejected, which part of you is being rejected?
If you have been your wounded self a lot in a relationship – people-pleasing by giving yourself up, getting angry, judgmental and blaming, withdrawing, turning to various addictions, and/or being highly resistant, then it is very likely that you are being rejected for your wounded self. You are not being rejected for who you really are, but for choosing to be controlling rather than loving. We all need to accept that if we choose to be our wounded self most of the time in a relationship, there is a good possibility that we will be rejected.
However, if you have been your core Self for much of the relationship, then it is very important to not take rejection personally, as it is not about you at all – it is about the other person’s fear of intimacy.
In most relationships, two people get together at their common level of woundedness – i.e., they are equally in their wounded self, equally self-abandoning. If, at some point in the relationship, you open to learning and healing, and learn to take responsibility for yourself and be more in your core Self, your partner might be threatened by this. It is very important that if your partner rejects you for your growth, you not take this personally. This is not about anything being wrong with you – it is about your partner not wanting to learn and grow.
On the other hand, if your partner is the one learning and growing, and you choose not to learn and grow, and your partner leaves the relationship, it is not because there is anything inherently wrong with you. There is never anything wrong with the core Self. But if you choose to stay stuck in your wounded self and your partner leaves, it is because he or she is rejecting your wounded self, not your core Self, and your wounded self is NOT who you really are.
Next time you are rejected, look inside and see who is being rejected – your wounded self or your core Self? If someone reject you for your wounded self, then take it as an opportunity to learn and heal. If someone rejects you for your core Self, then good riddance! This person would never have supported you in being all that you are.
By Dr. Richard Nicastro
Why is it that we have no problem lounging around in our favorite sweatpants (with the hole in the knee) and our favorite threadbare T-shirt (with the rip in the sleeve) in front of our spouse/partner, but if our friends/co-workers were on the way over, we’d change into something “decent” in a quick hurry? Now I’m not suggesting we throw away our comfortable clothes (I love those sweatpants!), but I am suggesting we look at the curious differences between how hard we try to get most people to like us, and how many of us in long-term relationships have stopped trying that hard where our spouse/partner is concerned.
Part of the reason we might be comfortable “any old way” in front of our spouse/partner is due to that feeling of comfort we build after knowing that other person for a while, after feeling secure that they love us, “warts and all.” That’s a good thing, and should be celebrated. But let’s look at another reason we may not care so much about putting our best foot forward for our mate: we don’t feel we need to anymore.
Marriage help: Does your spouse/partner still like you?
When you were first dating, you weren’t only aware of desire for that special someone—you were aware of whether or not you liked him/her (and whether those feelings of like were returned). Like is a grossly overlooked aspect of long-term romantic relationships, and the missing ingredient for many couples who report they’ve “fallen out of love” with their partners or that they love their mate, but are no longer “in love” with them.
You have no trouble making sure your friends like you and want to hang out with you. Now how about maintaining that for your most important relationship, your intimate relationship?
When you stop liking your spouse/partner
When a marriage/relationship becomes distressed, it can feel as if you still love your spouse or partner but that you’re not “in love” with him/her any longer. I’ve observed a pattern for some of these couples that might be summarized as:
“While I still may love you, I’m pretty sure I don’t like you anymore.”
Falling out of like with your spouse/partner can pose a significant challenge to your relationship. When you like someone, you want to be around that person and spend as much time as possible with him/her—and the opposite is true when you no longer like someone.
Couples who no longer like one another:
1. Avoid each other whenever possible;
2. Experience more negative emotions when together;
3. Become less tolerant of each other’s foibles;
4. Pull back emotionally and stop sharing the deepest parts of themselves with one another;
5. Can begin to feel trapped in the marriage or relationship.
Commit to increasing your likability quotient
For many couples, continuing to act in ways that will keep like alive doesn’t fall under the commitment umbrella. This should change: after all, don’t you want your partner to continue to like you?
For a moment, think back to when you first starting dating your spouse/partner. In this “wooing” stage, you probably acted in ways to make your new love-interest like you (with the goal of capturing her/his love). You understood the importance and power of getting your partner to like you.
Now it’s time to set up a Maintenance Likeability Plan.
Your plan should be to keep the likeability factor alive and well. This doesn’t have to be a complicated, exhausting process. In fact, the simpler, the better. To create a personalized likeability plan for your marriage or relationship, ask yourself the following:
What did you do early on in the relationship that helped you woo your partner?
What is your partner drawn to about you and does s/he still find these traits appealing? (If you’re uncertain about this, ask him/her).
Reflect on these questions—your responses will give you important information that can guide you. For instance, if one of the things your partner was drawn to was your sense of humor (and over the years of domesticity, this has been lost), then you can take necessary steps to bring humor back into the relationship mix.
I Love You. 3 Simple…yet life changing words are often a forgotten part of our vocabulary. Everybody needs to feel love…everybody wants to feel love……so why don’t you take a moment, cuddle up with your boo and say….I Love You. They need it…and you need it too.
Viewer Question: I’ve recently come to find your page and to date I have found your articles and videos quite helpful. However, I haven’t found that you’ve discussed military marriages….
I’m married to an army officer. I knew that going in and I have absolutely no problem with it. In all actuality I’m proud of my husband and the work that he does. He deals with stress combat which is training and counseling soldiers before and after deployment. The problem lies in the fact that he is so busy helping others that he finds it impossible to talk about his own issues (which we all have). I feel so shut out and isolated from his life. I tell him that all I want is to be his help mate but because he won’t talk to me I don’t know exactly how to help!
Do you have any advise on how to help the helper? I really miss my best friend!
Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at are relationship experts and internet marketers who have been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network, Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers, TV One, and other media outlets. They are helping people build healthy relationships and build home based businesses. To learn how you can MAKE MONEY while working from home CLICK HERE. To get INDIVIDUAL or COUPLES COACHING from Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at CLICK HERE.
By Ayize Ma’at
Remember the fireworks? Remember anticipating the next time you saw his face. Remember that certain look (exclusively reserved for you) that he gave you when you entered the room. Remember those butterflies? What about those never ending phone calls (you hang up…no you hang up…no you hang up..until someone fell asleep). Remember when everything was bliss?
She entered our office searching for an answer…..desperately seeking relief.
She told us:
I forgot what being adored feels like. He doesn’t look at me like he used to. His eyes and energy are indifferent. His back is turned. I wish he would touch me…on my hand..if only for a split second. Maybe we can share a laugh. I miss him completing my sentences. I want to feel like I matter. I miss being his…..
To get individual or couples counseling from Therapist’s Ayize and Aiyana Ma’at CLICK HERE.
By Ayize Ma’at
While sitting across the room from a couple, I watched his fidgety movements shout an ensnaring tale capturing a 27 year history of hesitation. His ambivalence didn’t begin with her….however she views herself as the VICTIM of his indecision, his restlessness, his wandering eye…his failure to fully commit to her. Her pain cast a cloudy glow around her that she’s been trying to shake for years. His shame oozes from his pours…he doesn’t know how to shelter his soul from the storm that’s been hovering above him for years. He hides…she hides. They both are tormented…they both are torn…they both are hurt. As they sit before us…in silence…in tears…in rage….in hope…we watch the subtle dance of healing begin.
If you’d like to have a session with Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at CLICK HERE.
By Eve
We often think that just because we believe something, it is the truth, which is not always the case. As you know, the majority of people prior to 1492 believed that the earth was flat. That belief turned out to be wrong. Many, many of our beliefs, about everything from science to society, have been proven wrong over time with the addition of new information and new tools.
Many of the beliefs we as individuals have held about ourselves and about our lives have also been proven wrong, or will be over the course of our lives. Therefore, the concept that “belief equals truth” is disputable.
The problem is that few of us question our beliefs, and unchallenged false beliefs have the power to alter our decisions and to limit what we can accomplish. When we use limiting beliefs as guideposts for our decision making, they impact every aspect of our well-being, including our relationships. If we think something is dangerous, impossible, or too hard, we may not venture to do it. How many people didn’t try sailing around the world based on the belief that they would fall off when they reached the edge? How many marriages have ended in divorce because of the belief that nothing could be done to make the marriage work? How many people don’t introduce themselves to someone they like because of the belief that they won’t be interested?
Look up the definition of “belief” in the dictionary. Nowhere does it imply that a belief is actually a fact, and yet most of us treat our beliefs as if they were the absolute truth, often without testing them. This is where self-examination and inquiry come in.
Examine your beliefs about yourself and your relationships, challenge them, and determine whether they are serving you. If your beliefs make you feel good and serve your goal of having healthy self-esteem and loving relationships, great. If not, it is time to develop a new mindset, one that emphasizes your personal power for creating and maintaining love in your life and in your relationships. The good news is that beliefs are something we choose. When your current choices aren’t serving you, you can make new ones.
As you read the following list of common beliefs, notice whether you hold any of them, consciously or unconsciously. Notice also how you feel as you read them.
* Once I’ve fallen out of love with someone, that is that; I can’t get it back.
* What I have experienced in the past is likely what I will experience in the future.
* My spouse has to do something different in order for our marriage to work.
* I can’t improve the relationship by myself; it takes two.
* I need different conditions to make my marriage work (if only I had a job/we didn’t have kids/we had kids/we had more money/I weighed less/I were more trusting/he hadn’t cheated/she liked sex more…).
* If this relationship doesn’t work, I will never have love again.
* Men (or women) aren’t trustworthy.
Notice the difference in the way you feel as you read the following list of empowering beliefs. Notice if an old belief or way of doing things is being challenged and, just for the sake of the exercise, try on some new beliefs to see if they serve you better.
* I can fall in love again. In fact, love has never left me; it has just gotten blocked. I can clear the obstacles between love and me, and between me and my partner.
* With new skills and tools, I can create new experiences.
* I take full responsibility for the quality of my relationships.
* I can improve my experience of this relationship with or without my spouse’s involvement.
* It is my response to circumstances, not the circumstances themselves, that dictate the quality of my relationships.
* Love is unlimited. As long as I am loving, I will never be without love.
* I trust myself to be able to handle any situation I encounter. I trust God to provide me with experiences that will help me grow wiser, stronger, and more compassionate.
Become aware of when you are “feeding” a belief that limits possibility, and consciously switch to a belief that better serves you, and your relationships.
Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are your beliefs?
Love Tip of the Week: It is never too late to make a new decision and adopt a new, more empowering belief.
