My Husband And I Love Each Other And We Make Sure The Other Knows It

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By Aiyana Ma’at I just want to take a moment to give my husband and best friend all of the honor, respect, love and adoration in the world. He takes care of my heart and mind in such an intuitive and intentional way and I know that I am so blessed to have a true friend who loves me unconditionally and goes out of his way to make sure I know. I woke up last night and caught him looking at me with such love in in his gorgeous brown eyes and there really are no words to describe the love he makes me feel inside. Sisters….we must pay attention and articulate privately and publicly when our men elevate our trust, elevate our self-esteem, elevate our ability to be open……elevate our lives. #IfYouDontSomeoneElseWill #LoveHeals #StopPlayingStartPushing

Your Word Is Your Bond Rings True in Relationships Too

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by Teresa Marita McGuire

How many times has your lover told you something that he or she failed to deliver? Is there no follow through on even the most simple things like showing up for a date, or taking out the trash as promised? Even when he or she knows how important the promise is to you.

Words without action can kill a relationship. It can cost you to lose respect for the one you love, and eventually cost you your marriage. I encourage us all to commit to our words and deeply listen when we are called on our shortcomings. Your mate will be delighted when you keep your promise and your relationship will grow with honesty and trust.

Your word is your bond. I hear such joy in my friend’s voice when she talks about her new boyfriend who “calls when he says he’s going to call.” And if he’s running late he calls soon after the intended time and apologizes even though she understands and doesn’t think it’s necessary.

On the flip side, I hear disappointment and hurt in a dear friend’s voice because her boyfriend continues to say one thing and sometimes do the opposite, seemingly oblivious to her expressions of how it makes her feel.

Disappointment and hurt can be minimized as couples make the effort to complete what they promise. Better yet, think long and hard before you say you are going to do anything because it is unacceptable to shrug it off when you let someone down. I don’t remember the first time my ex-husband broke a promise to me, but I remember the day he nonchalantly came home hours late to take me out for my birthday. He didn’t understand why I was bothered because he didn’t call to say our plans were changing. All he said when he walked through the door was “I’ll make it up to you.”

That became the famous line I would hear when his word was not his bond. That line was never fulfilled, just as his original words became void. After a while, it becomes clear that a person with empty words lacks the substance to sustain a healthy and loving relationship. When we peel back the layers and think rationally, we realize what may have been obvious all along. So, let’s commit to keeping our word once it is given and to valuing those we love. Don’t stop communicating with honest commitment to the one you love.

 

Teresa Marita McGuire was born to write. She grew up in Memphis, Tennessee writing birthday cards for family and poetry for her favorite baseball team, the St. Louis Cardinals. She embraced writing as a gift when her 5th-grade book about a “fuzzy wuzzy” mouse was displayed in the school library. Teresa fell in love with poetry after the Cardinals responded to her poems by sending glossy team photos.

She received a B. A. in Journalism from the University of Memphis and became an intern at the city’s morning daily. A former media representative at her alma mater, Teresa is the self-published author of My Soul Speaks Poems about Love, a book of inspirational poetry sprinkled with magical, honest and fun love stories that make hearts twirl. She is a professional school counselor who writes from the heart to remind men and women that real love does exist.

Don’t Take Your Marriage For Granted

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By Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D.

It’s not enough to rely on a marriage license to hold your relationship together. Relationships need time, effort, energy, attention, and nourishment in order to thrive. Think about it like this: Your “first child is your relationship” and this relationship “needs as much care and attention as a human infant.”

It’s not enough to say that spouses “shouldn’t” walk away from their marriages or “shouldn’t” divorce. The reality is that many unhappy spouses do walk out the door, and marriages do wither away and die a slow death.

Read through the following list and see if any of the behaviors mentioned apply to you and your marriage. Each behavior represents a “land mine” of trouble in a marriage:

1. “If your partner isn’t complaining, everything is probably okay.”

It’s important to keep communication channels open and to take the time to routinely listen to your spouse and talk deeply about any issues or concerns. Don’t take for granted that all is well if your communication has dried up.

2. “If you let your appearance go, it’s no big deal.”

No one likes to feel that their mate doesn’t think they are worth the time and effort to look their best. Being taken for granted in this way won’t keep your romantic and sex life sizzling.

3. “It doesn’t matter that you’ve stopped doing the little romantic things to show that you really care.”

When a partner stops making romantic and thoughtful gestures, the mate often concludes that the partner’s love is lessening. The mate then feels taken for granted, and romantic feelings may dull.

4. “Now that you’re married, you don’t have to express appreciation or say ‘thank you’ as often.”

When a partner doesn’t show appreciation or say “thank you,” the mate can feel unimportant and taken for granted. The mate may start thinking, “She’s only married to me for my paycheck” or “He doesn’t value my contributions to the marriage.”

5. “If you’re too busy (work, hobbies, friends, etc.) to spend quality time together and share some fun activities, it’s okay because you’ll make it up to your spouse later on.”

People can’t be “put on hold” for week, months, and years. Neither can relationships. If you take your spouse for granted in this way, you run the risk of losing your emotional connection and discovering that when you’re finally ready to devote time to the relationship, your partner doesn’t want to be with you.

The commitment you and your spouse made to each other at your wedding is unlikely to be enough to sustain your marriage at a high level of quality over a period of years. If you want more in your marriage month to month, you have to give more – consistently and continuously.

Remember, your relationship is like a garden. You have to care for it consciously and consistently if you want it to produce fruit. And we all want the fruit of love in our marriage, don’t we?

Respect Where You Are In Your Relationship Process

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We can’t stress it enough….relationship healing is a process.  If you fail to respect the process you’ll find yourself right back where you started…STUCK STANDING IN A HEAP OF SH!%  There are too many people who turn to therapist, life coaches, mentors, pastors, and spiritual healers for a quick fix BUT unfortunately totally miss the struggle they must go through to get to an abiding solution.  My late aunt once told me, “struggle is ordained”.  In essence, respect the process….it’s where true healing occurs.

How To Minimize Arguments And Increase Closeness In Your Relationship

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By Guy Winch

Every couple argues but what distinguishes happy and unhappy couples is how they argue. There is one relationship skill that when used correctly, has a practically magical ability to calm things down, reduce tension and anger, and even increase closeness—emotional validation.

Validating someone’s emotions involves taking their perspective and conveying you ‘get’ why they’re upset from their point of view—something that at first glance might seem risky and even foolish. Indeed, when someone is angry or upset with you, telling them they have every right to feel the way they do might seem like the last thing you should do. First, because you might still think you’re right and you don’t want to convey you’re not. And second, because you probably fear that telling an angry or upset person they are entitled to feel as they do will only make them angrier or more upset.

However, both those concerns are unfounded. Conveying you understand why someone is upset does not mean you’re admitting you’re wrong, as you can and should also express your own perspective on things. And most importantly, when you convey you understand how your partner feels and do so with sympathy and understanding, something magical happen—rather than make them angrier and fuel their fire, your message of emotional validation will actually douse their flame and make them calmer.

Why does this paradoxical result happen?

Getting our feelings validated is something we all seek and crave, often far more than we realize. When we are upset, angry, frustrated, disappointed or hurt, the thing we want most is for the other person to ‘get it’, to understand how and why we feel the way we do—to validate our feelings and to convey their understanding with a generous dollop of sympathy.

Think back to a time you were angry or upset and someone totally got it and was able to validate exactly how you felt—you probably experienced tremendous relief and an authentic visceral ‘release’, and by doing so you were probably able to let go some of the feelings you had built up.

That is how your partner will feel if you are able to convey emotional validation to them, and yes, even in the midst of an argument. Providing emotional validation will not only calm things down but it will allow warmer feelings to return and a more reasonable discussion to ensue. Indeed, when both members of a couple practice emotional validation, they tend to have longer lasting and more satisfying relationships than couples who do not practice this skill.

Emotional validation does not come easily to most people and as such, it does need to be practiced. But it is has such a powerful and positive impact on relationships, it is one investment that is very much worthwhile.

Guy Winch is a psychologist, speaker and author of Emotional First Aid: Practical Strategies for Treating Failure, Rejection, Guilt and Other Everyday Psychological Injuries (Hudson Street Press, 2013). Follow him on Twitter and check out hisblog!

I Will Not Have Children With A Woman Who Smokes

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Hello family, I am a 25 year old man and I have been dating my lady who is 28 for 3 years. We have been through a lot in these three years. Long distance relationship and relocation together to another state a long way from home to name a few. I love this woman – and her 4 year old daughter – with everything that I have. She is a good mother, a hard worker, fine, and cares for others. My concern is her health. Throughout our entire relationship she has had some (womanly) health issues that doctors cant help with. She is also a cigarette smoker. Before I met her, a woman who smoked was unattractive to me but she was the exception. I recognize her will to quit and have witnessed all of the different attempts at doing so. I give her encouragement, as well as tell her my concerns about her health and the health of MY future children should we have some. I am increasingly growing impatient with the smoking and feel resent toward her because sometimes I feel as though she’s negatively impacting the health of my children and they’re not even here yet. I expressed to her that when she takes a moment to go outside for a smoke, that is a short time of “happiness flat line” for me, and it lingers until I don’t think about it or can’t smell it. This, coupled with the other health issues doesn’t get me excited about getting married and starting a family of my own with her, and I don’t want our future children to be exposed to that unhealthy lifestyle. I am strong and confident in how I want to lead my family as the man, and this is one thing that is not and was not in the picture.

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4 Sacrifices Newlyweds Must Be Able To Make

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By Philip Wakefield A man is most vulnerable during the first few years of his life because he’s entirely dependent on his parents. Innocent and helpless, without prior knowledge and experience to make him stand on his own feet – literally and figuratively – he has no recourse but to lean on his parents. In some ways, a marriage can be exactly like that. In its early stages, a marriage has no years of togetherness to rely on in times of trouble. In its early stages, a marriage likewise has no recourse but to depend on the couple’s relationship in order to survive. For a couple to manage the early stages of their marriage with their love and trust for each other still intact, they must be willing to make the following sacrifices. Priorities – A person’s priorities will always have to be adjusted, even in the smallest of ways, when he becomes part of a marriage. For a marriage to last, both persons involved must make a real effort to show each other and the rest of the world if possible that their marriage is important to them, important enough to become one of the top priorities in their lives. Time – And because the success of your marriage is now a priority, it’s naturally expected that you spend enough time solidifying the foundations of your marriage. This means spending enough time with each other, doing things together and being there for each other. If it’s your wife’s birthday, surely it ranks higher than attending the monthly meeting of your Hotwheels Die Cast Car Association, right? Likewise, if your husband is inviting you to spend one whole day with him fishing, surely the exclusive company of your husband for 24 hours is enough to give up a day spent shopping. Money – Although this is a sacrifice that doesn’t affect all marriages, if and when it does become a factor in your marriage, remember that you married each other for better or for worse and for richer or for poorer. Pride – A marriage can only work if both man and woman works together and not against each other. That also means not letting pride rule your actions. Pride can be a very good instigator of fights and blowing things out of proportion. Don’t let this happen especially in the early stages of marriages because you might not be able to undo the damage later on. And lastly, remember to pray. Even if you’re agnostic, surely praying wouldn’t hurt?

Taking An Honest Look At Your Relationship Patterns

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By Team BLAM

We tend to pick a partner who is most like the parent from whom we wanted additional love, attention, acceptance, and praise as a child. The reason? We still want to receive what we desired or deserved to have as a child. When we pick a partner similar to one or both of our parents, we’re striving to heal childhood wounds. Even if our partner is not like a parent, we’ll often re-create the scene so our partner acts or we imagine them to act like our parent, so hopefully we can now have what we needed as a child. As we begin to recognize that this “same old dance” doesn’t work for us, or our partner, we can then take responsibility for ourselves. We can either choose to ask our partner for what we need or hope for, or we can choose to find the wisdom and courage to find healthy ways to give it to ourselves.

When we do this we can stop expecting our partner to be our “parent” and we can stop being the “child” in the relationship. This is so imperative to helping us meet our partner on equal territory and discover healthy ways to meet each other’s needs.

When we know the type of partner we tend to attract, we can take better responsibility for choosing wisely. When you really take the time to look at your past relationships you may be surprised how many similar characteristics and negative traits are in the partners you’ve had.

If you really want to understand your relationship patterns you have to be prepared to do THE WORK. 🙂 “What work?” you ask. You have to be intentional about looking at and thinking about who you are and how you’ve been shaped by all of your life experiences. Here are some first steps to truly looking at and understanding your relationship patterns.

#1 Examine Your Parent’s Marriage History

Write down a clear account of what did and did not work in your parent’s marriage. This is not about judgement. Be an observer, as if you were watching a movie of your parents’ marriage, divorce, or relationships.

#2 Examine Your Relationship History.

Here’s where you write down an account of what did and did not work in each of your primary relationships.

  • Start with the relationship you had with each of your parents.
  • Then write about the first person you were in an intimate relationship with.
  • Lastly, write about each significant relationship that followed. This does not have to be every person you dated. Pick the relationships that meant something. Focus on the ones you had a real connection with.

#3 Compare Relationships.

Compare your parent’s relationship with your major intimate relationships. Do you see certain trends, themes, or patterns? What patterns do you find yourself repeating? This is not to blame anyone from your past. It is to give you insight on how you have learned to do relationships so that you can choose to do them differently.

The lesson here? What did not work does not need to be repeated. Look back so you can free yourself and move forward!

Adapted from Journey To Love by M.P.Wylie, Ph.D.

To get relationship coaching / counseling from Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at CLICK HERE

Stop Leaving Out The Important Parts Of Your Story

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It’s funny how we find ourselves in situations that we’re unsure about, disgusted with, tired of, and so on and so on…..but find it difficult to find ourselves really considering all of the reasons why we’re in that situation in the first place.  It’s like…we hide the painful parts of reality from ourselves to protect ourselves….protect our ego.  Yes… it’s a defense mechanism that we use to maintain our sanity.  Unfortunately, leaving out important parts of your story doesn’t help you….more often than not it hurts you because you stay in DENIAL.

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Are You Willing To Love Daily?

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Relationships require work. The effort you invest will pay dividends if you’re willing to look, listen, learn, laugh, and love DAILY. We do it…I know you can do it too.  By no means are we saying it’s easy…but we are saying IT’S POSSIBLE. In order for you to get good at anything, you’ve got to be willing to commit and make some sacrifices along the way.  The more you do it…the easier it will become.  Make a decision today y’all to love daily.  You deserve it….your partner deserves it…and your relationship needs it.

To get Relationship or Individual Coaching/Counseling from the Ma’ats CLICK HERE.