Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at Invited To Speak At Covenant Baptist Church On THE ART OF RELATING
By Team Blam
I Moved In My Furniture BUT I Forgot To Move In My Husband
By Lana Moline
It’s been almost a year since God blessed us with our home and I am still settling in, rearranging and making the place our own. I think maybe the kids are finally at a point of moving in after their “moving in party.” So it’s starting to feel like home – well sort of. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why my family room just didn’t have that “pop” that I want or what was missing.
I solicited the help of a girlfriend who I just knew would have the answer to my blah issue and she did what any good girlfriend would do. She volunteered someone else, her sister in fact, for the job. They are both wonderful so it was great for me because I got 2 for the price of 1.
After our consultation we discovered that my furniture just needed to be rearranged and some of my decor items worked best in rooms other than where I had placed them. We went out to a few stores to look for accessories for my dinning room and kitchen and that’s when my session got really interesting.
As we searched the isles at the store I was proud to share that I had avoided girly patterns and flowers for my husband’s sake and I openly shared my thoughts for the color schemes and how I envisioned the flow from room to room. She listened intently and looked me square in the eyes and said to me “you haven’t moved your husband in.” At first I thought, “that’s impossible, he’s there.” So I asked her what she meant. She said, “you were considerate to make sure he is comfortable but I didn’t see anything that just reflects who he is.” What could I say? She was absolutely right. He doesn’t make a fuss over colors or patterns but what I discovered is that having reflections of my husband as well was the “pop” that I was missing. It is just like his love for me, it’s all in the detail.
Her words still speak volumes to me. It’s not enough to make sure he’s comfortable. I must be intentional in making sure he feels welcomed and at home in his castle.
Lana Moline is an integral part of the Blackloveandmarriage.com writing team, freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her atLana Moline Speaks.
5 Strange Scientific Facts About Love
By Lanesha Townsend
Many people would love to believe that crazy thing called love is all about fate, destiny and magic. But in fact, experts have proven that there’s some very strange science going on as well.
Here are five fun (and surprising) facts about love:
1. Birth control pills affect women’s hormone levels – and to whom they become attracted. In one study, researcher Tony Little showed women different images of men and asked them to make their picks. His results showed that the women taking birth control pills tended to choose men with more pronounced masculine features than those who weren’t on them. The downside here? These manly traits are linked to high testosterone levels, aggressive behavior, and even higher divorce rates than the average.
2. Women want to date men who smell like their fathers. In one study by geneticist Carole Ober, female subjects were asked to sniff shirts of various scents and then state their preferences ranked by smell. Over and over again, subjects chose the odors that closely matched those of their fathers.
3. If you need an ambitious man, you may want to look for someone whose hand features a long fourth finger. Here’s why: If your date’s ring finger is longer than his or her index finger, it’s an indication that this person was exposed to higher than average amounts of testosterone in the womb, says Dr. John T. Manning of Rutgers University in his book, Digit Ratio. This correlates to having a personality which tends to be logical, decisive and ambitious.
4. Want to make an instant connection? Do something daring together on your next date, such as going to an amusement park or watching a scary movie. Research by Arthur Aron and Donald Dutton published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows that adrenaline ups our interest in a potential mate. The reason? The exhilaration of being in a risky situation rubs off on the person you’re with.
5. Do you feel the chemistry getting stronger and stronger between you and your significant other? You two may really be merging, says researcher Cameron Anderson, who interviewed 60 couples and roommates for a study published in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. By gauging his subjects’ reactions to a film after they had lived together for one year, Anderson found that their personalities tended to converge over time, though the dominant partner changed his or her personality less than the other did.
Your Marriage Is Important To Me And My Marriage
By Shanta
Life is full of challenges and ultimately the decisions we make regarding these situations determine if we’ll make it through. Curve balls are thrown and feelings change, friends and lovers grow apart, schedules get more hectic and life happens. Through it all you need to make your marriage a priority, not just the marriage, but the relationship you have with your partner. Taking time to talk with them, have fun together and to nurture one another is essential. But what happens when neither of you feel like working on it, you’re both so tired, or so fed up that you can’t or won’t take the time to look at your relationship to see where work could be put in? That is when you need friends, specifically married friends, who want to see your marriage succeed. Like minded people with similar goals generally tend to support one another and encourage positive outcomes in others lives.
Earlier this year, I was getting ready to attend a marriage gala and I offered a friend and his wife tickets to the event, however when I finally reached him, he told me they were separating that very week. I was sick, because the reason given to me was “I fell out of love with her”. Seriously?!! I was hurt for her as much as him. There were some extenuating circumstances, but with friends and counseling the events possibly could have been prevented. I made it known to my friend that I thought he should take some time and try to work on his marriage, but he was pained and not open to the possibility of reconciliation.
This is an old friend of mine, I’ve known him longer than my husband and he is honestly one of my oldest and dearest friends, which is why I was so hurt. Over the years, we haven’t made as much time for one another as we used to, so we don’t talk like we once did, so I didn’t know the ends and out of his marriage, nor he mine. However I felt, had we been more open to one another as couples we could have helped each other avoid the pitfalls we found ourselves in. The same is true of all marriages, and I am fortunate that I have friends that believe the same thing.
Our marriages are not important to just our families, but for our childrens’ future families. What chance do they have of keeping a marriage together if half the ones they know of personally end in divorce? And I’m not talking about divorce due to abuse, I’m talking about the “irreconcilable differences” and the “I fell out of love with them” splits.
Marriage takes work, and there are days when I have to work super hard to stay with my husband, because though I may love him, he sure can get on my last nerve, and I know the feeling is mutual. My sister wives have had experiences that I may not have, and they are able to share with me from their experience, and I can share from mine. The key element of it all is SHARING. We cannot be ashamed of our circumstances, or timid in creativity for keeping our marriages whole. Please know that your marriage is important to me, even if only for selfish reasons…It might save mine…or my child may marry yours. We have to work together to keep our marriages strong and I pray that you take me seriously and become a friend of your friends marriages.
Back to my friend and his wife. I had told my mother about this friend, because she knows him too, and in my mothers fashion, she summoned him. She declared they were to have lunch because she needed to talk with him about this decision, (my mother divorced my stepdad 3 years ago), and she had her own insights to offer. Well upon my delivering this message for her, my friend informed me that he and his wife were going to attend counseling. I felt like this was a win… a small battle, but a victory none the less, and a “W” is a “W”. I’ll take it.
If your marriage is in trouble, reach out to a like-minded friend whose marriage and yours are a priority. It may make the difference of your life.
Until next time,
Be Blessed
Shanta is a Stay-At-Home-Mom, wife, sister, and friend just navigating the waves of life. She is a artist, teacher, arts enthusiast, idealist, realist, future shaper and trend setter. You can check out more of her work at LifeAsIKnow.com
Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at Are Speaking At The Oldest African American Baptist Church In Suffolk Va On Thursday July 19th
By Team Blam
We’re honored to have the opportunity to speak at First Baptist Church Mahan on Thursday July 19th at 7pm for their 2012 Men & Women’s Empowerment Conference. We’re anticipating a wonderful event focussed on educating, elevating, empowering, and inspiring attendees to become better servants of God. We’ll be speaking for approximately 90 minutes on “Acting Like A Lady And Thinking Like A Man…And Failing At Both”. If you’re able to make it out we’d love to see you there: 112 Mahan St Suffolk, VA, 23434. Also if you would like for us to come speak to your group, organization, or company shoot us an email at info@bintentional.com.
As always…..Stop Playin. Start Pushin.
I’ve Got Proof My Alcoholic Husband Is Cheating On Me….What Should I Do?
hello,
my name is ————. I am not black i am white and my husband is hispanic. I love your web site and read it every day. I hope that this is ok. I have a question if you want you can do a video chat about it. I have been married to my husband for 11 years together 12 and my husband is an alcholic. i have 3 girls the 2 oldest are 5 born 12 weeks early dec 26 of 06 and a 15 month old dec 27th 10. I have always had a rocky marriage and its been hard. my husband has had now 4 dui’s and will be serving time for at least 6 years. his last dui he almost killed him self and the other young man he hit head on. I make no excuses and i have been going to church and trying to get into some groupd to be a better person. I want to be married to my husband,. We got married yound he was 20 and i was 23 and i believe you get married once and try to work everything out. I had something or better yet a program downloaded into his phone and i can read all his txts. once i installed the program on the phone got a hit right away and i knew for all the years i was right now im no longer jealous because i read her personal trials but when i ask him he says just friends do i show him the proof i have or do i just file for divorce or how do i bring it out into the light. He will be serving a sentence of 6 years but out in 3 but his court date for that is in june and hes allready served 8 months so far again. so what do you recommend that i do? i thank you for your hard time and dedication. Have a wonderful day.
How Deeply You Can Connect With Someone Else Is Directly Impacted By How Deeply You Can Connect With Yourself
By Margaret Paul, PhD
Do you love it when you feel deeply emotionally connected with someone? When you feel seen, understood, valued and cherished? This is what initially draws two people together and leads to falling in love.
Then what happens? Why does the connection go away?
When most people first meet, they allow each other to see only certain parts of themselves, but they often hide the deeper parts of themselves.
Why?
Because they fear being rejected for who they really are.
They fear being rejected for who they really are because they think there is something wrong with them. Believing there is something wrong with you is called core shame – the belief that there is something inherently wrong, bad, or flawed about you.
Core shame may be governing much of what you do and how you respond in your relationships. It certainly governed much of my life until I learned how to heal it.
I learned to heal it when I learned how to connect with my spiritual Guidance – my higher mind that can see the truth of who I am. As long as I was defining myself from my limited ego wounded, programmed mind, I was operating from the false belief that I was somehow not good enough.
Developing you spiritual connection is not hard. Whenever you move into a deep desire to learn about love and truth, you raise your frequency high enough to access the wisdom that is always here for you. But in order to do this, you have to really want to know the truth. As long as you are afraid of what you will learn, you will stay stuck with your core shame. I assure you that what you will learn about your true Self is how incredible you are!
THE COURAGE TO BE VULNERABLE AND AUTHENTIC
In order to emotionally connect with another, you have to be vulnerable and authentic about your feelings, which you can’t do if you think there is something wrong with you. So before you can sustain emotional connection and intimacy, you need to heal your core shame. You will not be able to take the risk of experiencing the pain of rejection unless you are not rejecting yourself.
It takes courage to be authentic. You cannot be authentic without the willingness to be vulnerable to being hurt, and you can’t connect on a deep heart level without vulnerability and authenticity.
It is only when you deeply value who you are that you have the courage to reveal yourself authentically and risk being hurt. This is what creates deeply connected relationships. What it takes is two people who have done the work of healing their core shame so that they can share their heart and soul with each other.
HEALING CORE SHAME
* Start with noticing how judgmental you are of yourself. Every time you notice yourself judging yourself, stop and say to yourself, “I’m not going there.” And do not judge yourself for judging yourself! Just keep noticing and stopping each time. You will find yourself judging yourself less and less and feeling better and better.
* Practice opening to learning with your Higher Self. Keep asking your Guidance with a sincere desire to learn, “Please show me what is wonderful about who I really am.” Over time, you will learn to love and cherish your true Self – your essence – for qualities such as kindness, compassion, generosity, curiosity, creativity, humor, playfulness, gentleness, inner knowing, determination, loyalty, integrity, honesty, and so on.
The more you value your true Self, the easier it will be for you to be vulnerable and authentic with the important people in your life, and create the emotional connection that we all long for.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah. Visit her at innerbonding.com.
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Got Love? 10 Steps To Living & Loving In Bliss
By Samantha Karlin
Relationships require both parties to put in the neccessary work to stay happy. For some, the work needed is more difficult than others. Yet, all of your efforts will pay off when you and your partner are living in relational bliss. Here are 10 tips to achieving passion and happiness in your relationship.
1. Spend quality time with each other. Particularly when you live with someone, time together can be easily taken for granted because the assumption is you will just see each other when you get home. However, being home at the same time does not necessarily translate to quality time.
Set a regular time where your number one priority is each other. Also, try to mix up your dates or activities. New experiences release dopamine in the brain, which also increases sexual desire. So, get out of that dinner and a movie funk and try something adventurous. Free kayaking on a river is one suggestion. But, I am sure you can think of other adventures the two of you can explore.
2. Spend quality time with yourself. Self-help guru and creative mastermind, Julia Cameron, calls this “The Artist’s Date.” She classifies it as an afternoon spent with just you and an activity that you enjoy, whether it be wandering around a flea market, seeing an movie, reading a book, painting, or anything else you enjoy doing.
This alone time will help you to foster your own creativity, gain perspective and increase your level of happiness. Enjoying the time you spend with yourself will also make you less dependent on your partner to provide constant company or entertainment. Once you start to realize you do not need someone else to have a good time, you start really enjoying life.
3. Explore one another. Personality tests like Strengths 2.0, Myers Brigg and the Enneagram, can give you insight into why your partner behaves the way that they do. Understanding your partner’s natural inclinations is key to having empathy for them, which is crucial to successful bonding. Suggest to your partner that you both take these tests and share the results with one another. It will shed light on those mysteries about one another that you just have not been getting.
4. Introduce new ideas to your sex life. Try integrating new things into the bedroom. Baby oil, sex toys or roleplay are three possible ideas. Also, try starting off sex with a massage or something that shows how much you care about your partner.
In addition, it is time to target any sexual issues that either of you may be experiencing. These issues often go unfixed due to male pride or embarrassment. Lack of sex drive and the inability to maintain an erection, among other sexual issues, are easily treatable with natural and prescription medications. A healthy sex life is crucial to a healthy relationship.
5. Take the listening test. How do you listen? True empathy requires active listening. Active listening is completely and totally focusing on the other person, without distraction. Active listening goes beyond just hearing the words that they say. It requires feeling the energy that the person is putting across in the room. Active listening also requires that you are not planning a counterargument or solution as the other person talks. Listen, think and then speak.
6. During an arguement, stop speaking. Almost everyone is in agreement that communication is essential to successful relationships. But as noted in the last tip, words are not the only ways in which we can communicate with one another. Sometimes we even use words malproductively. Words are frequently used in order to hide our true feelings, to over intellectualize a situation or to disguise our vulnerabilities from our partners.
So try this. The next time you get into an argument, stop talking and stare deeply into each other’s eyes for one minute. If you find it helpful, put on your favorite cheesy love song in the background. When you feel so compelled, reach out for your partner’s hand. Then wait patiently. The anger will subside as you connect with one another.
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6 Things Your Man Could Care Less That You Do
By Jaustin
We’re all busy, so any time you can knock a few things off the to-do list is a good time. Not only do we want to save time, we want to save mental energy—something we spend a lot of on our men, and often, don’t need to. The reality is, we’re more sensitive than they are. It’s the curse of being mutli-taskers. We are also multi-thinkers and are aware of everything, at every moment.
Here are 6 things we put way too much time into for our guys that we just don’t have to…
Checking in
If a woman has something big happening in her life (sick family member, waiting to hear about a job promotion), she will get mad at her man if a substantial amount of time has passed and he hasn’t asked how that thing is going, all on his own accord. For that reason, women make a point of frequently checking in with a guy about something big happening in his life but, the truth is, if he wants to talk about it, he will talk about it. And he won’t notice if you don’t bring it up on your own.
Shaving
Let’s be real, once you’ve been dating for a while, and things are getting going in the bedroom, his hands just go straight for the goods. The arbitrary leg rubbing goes out the window. Don’t let things get out of control but, you don’t need to keep baby smooth legs every day. (Hopefully men don’t read this article, or they’ll begin paying attention to your stems, even if they didn’t before!)
Planning dates
Women often feel they’re in a rut if their nights with their men consist of eating dinner, watching a movie and going to sleep. We begin to feel disconnected from our guys. But, that fear of getting disconnected comes from fearing that men feel disconnected from us. So, we panic. We get in planning mode and we push to go to the zoo, or go on a hike, or have a double date with friends. We push for it even on nights when it’s inconvenient or you’re both exhausted. Not only does that begin to bother men but, the truth is, they don’t feel anything is wrong if you’re just hanging out, watching TV most nights. Men don’t overthink things like we do. They still like you just the same, with or without a big to-do.
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A Wedding Anniversary Should Not Be Taken Lightly
By Andrea Boley
A wedding anniversary should not be taken lightly, especially these days when divorce is so common. Each year that comes is another milestone that should be celebrated whole-heartedly. Couples should take the time to truly remember the reasons they love one another and why they got married in the first place. Many couples like to share simple traditions together each year. Some choose to spend large sums of money for an elaborate affair, while others prefer a more intimate get-together. From a weekend cruise to a backyard barbeque, there’s a way for most everyone to commemorate each anniversary and share their joys and triumphs with those closest to the heart.
Make each year a special and memorable occasion between you and your spouse by remembering specifics from when you dated or the early years of marriage. You could visit a park, restaurant, or other spot you had your first date, first kiss, or got engaged. If you gave a specific, inexpensive gift (such as a certain type of flowers or chocolate), give the same thing each year on your anniversary (with or without additional gifts). Take a trip to the same place each year. Really make each year a fun and memorable occasion.
For those large milestone anniversaries (10, 25, 50, etc), consider having a big party with those you care about. Decide on a theme and let your imagination run wild. Some fun ideas include a black and white party, a large backyard barbeque, or a masquerade ball. Hotels, restaurants, country clubs, or large houses all make good venues for anniversary parties. Consider the original wedding or reception venue for the party. Celebrating there will open the flood gates of emotion and bring back tons of fond memories. Be sure to find a menu that fits with the theme of your party. Some venues will provide catering and/or entertainment services, which can make things easier.
Just because you do not have money to spend on a large celebration doesn’t mean you cannot do anything; you must remember that the best things in life are free. Never let money hinder plans to create a memorable anniversary. Share a favorite dinner at home together by candlelight, dance with one another in the living room, or take a bubble bath together. You can also plan a practical get-together for your closest friends and family if you’d like to celebrate with others. If you have the room to host, have it at your house. If not, ask someone if they will be willing to let you use their space. Make the meal potluck style, asking each guest to provide their favorite dish that way you won’t feel financially burdened by the party. If you have some money to spare, invest in a few disposable cameras and ask party guests to take candid pictures throughout. There are plenty of frugal and practical ways to create an unforgettable celebration.
Whatever you decide to do, be sure to remember why you’re celebrating. Show your love and appreciation for one another by giving your time, creativity, imagination, and sincerity. Reconnect with each other and reminisce the years you’ve shared together. It doesn’t matter how grand or simple the celebration may be, so long as it is one that is memorable.
Andrea Boley is a writer and blogger with http://storkie.com. She has been writing articles and blogging for over 10 years and is always happy to share her passion for life and experiences through her work. Her educational backgrounds in psychology and journalism have given her a solid foundation from which to draw experience and expertise in an array of topics.
