By Ilex Bien-Aime

There are a countless amount of articles and books written about love and commitment and yet the world is still lacking in both departments. People love to talk about these things because they sound like something we all want, however talk is all we do. Honestly we don’t want love in the truest sense of the word, we want love in the unrealistic media driven sense. We believe that love is supposed to be this magical feeling that we have that it is supposed to come into our lives and lead us into the sunset on our white horse and when things don’t happen that way, we begin to hypothesize that the feeling that we had must not have been love. So I pose the question, are married people breaking their covenants because they never loved each other, or because they lacked the more important attribute of commitment?

In trying to figure out the answer to this question, I discovered the many definitions to the word love. If you put ten people in a room together and asked them to define love, odds are you would not get the same definition from them. Maybe that is the underlying problem, we don’t truly know what love is and yet we claim to have it. If you ask an Atheist if he believed in love, he would say yes. If you asked a Christian if he believed in love, he would also say yes. However if you asked a Christian if the Atheist truly believed in love, he would probably say no because true love can not be found outside of God. Which leads me to the conclusion that even if the entire world believed in love, many of us don’t believe that everyone truly has love.

So what is love? Honestly, it depends on which definition you want to use or which criteria best meets your personal agenda. Merriam-Webster defines love in this manner,”A strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (maternal love for a child). An attraction based on sexual desire. An affection and tenderness felt by lovers. An affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests. An assurance of affection. A warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion. The object of attachment, devotion, or admiration. An Unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. The fatherly concern of God for humankind. Brotherly concern for others. And last but not least a person’s adoration of God.” As we see, there is not a shortage of definitions for the word and in a world with billions of people who have definitions of love outside of what the dictionary says, we begin to mixup a perfect cocktail for chaos.

How can couples be successful in love when both parties define love in different ways? Can you truly have something and not agree upon the definition? I am no expert on the topic so I just pose the questions, maybe we can have love and define it differently, I just cannot see it in my finite wisdom. I examine the world around me falling apart and I cannot understand how people who believe in love could allow these horrible things to happen to their marriages. So much more can be said about love and yet we have not even touched commitment but then again, how can you be committed to something without first knowing what you are committed to?

Ilex Bien-Aime is an integral part of the BlackLoveAndMarriage.com team. He lives in Washington, DC with his lovely wife. He writes as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. He writes as a man who wants to give his future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly he writes what he writes because his female friends are always asking his opinion about these situations. Connect with Ilex at Iamsayingit.blogspot.com or via email atilexbienaime@gmail.com.

By Mrs. Hill

You have married a wonderful man. Both of you were ecstatic on your wedding day. Then couple of months later you discovered that he forgets about things that are important for you, he is messy and does not brush his teeth first thing in the morning. He gave up the gym and started gaining weight.

Do you want to get your pre-marriage husband back?

It will take you 10-15 minutes.

That is exactly how long it took me. So, when you start thinking about your man as “that lazy bastard”, it is time for you to get to work. There are two ways, they are similarly effective.

For both of them you need pen and paper.

First strategy is a positive transformation. Ask yourself and start writing down the answers:

*        Why I fell in love with him in the first place?

*        What still attracts me?

*        What did he do this week to make me smile?

*        Isn’t he cute with this new haircut?

*        Why I am happy that we met?

*        Why he is the perfect match for me?

*        How I can express all my love to him now?

Put this list of paper on your mirror/in the diary and remember how much you love him.

 Second strategy is a negative transformation. Imagine and start writing down: How from here your relationships and the whole life scenario can go worse and worse.

CLICK HERE to read more.

By Dr. Tina Tessina

Love, commitment and relationships seem to be in disfavor these days. I’m seeing a lot of articles and TV shows saying love doesn’t last, so why bother. But, I believe that all of us want to be loved, and I know from experience that a relationship can work, and that a great partnership is a joy not to be missed. A lot of people come into my office searching for love, especially unconditional love.

I tell them “be careful what you want.” Unconditional love can be interpreted to mean “You can be abusive to me, you can cheat on me, and I still have to love you.” If you want really unconditional love, you might want to invest in a puppy or give your mom a call. But, if unconditional love is interpreted as “uncritical love” or “accepting love” it is attainable. What we really long for is the security of knowing that we’ll be loved in spite of our shortcomings and mistakes. When a couple builds a successful working partnership in which each person feels supported and respected by the other and each feels that the other has his or her best interests at heart; problems are solved not “my way” or “your way” but so that both are happy with the solution. Mutual partnership creates a loving environment where deep trust can grow. When trust, respect, responsibility and love feel mutual, that’s when we feel secure in love.

Almost everyone has an “ideal relationship” in mind, which includes both realistic and unrealistic fantasies. Often this ideal is unconscious, and can result in a sense of loss, hopelessness or anger at times when your actual situation falls far short of your ideal.

You can hope, for example, that your partner will be delighted with all that you are, flaws included, and would make absolutely no demands on you. If these hopes go unexamined and untempered by the realization that they are unrealistic, and your partner does inevitably get annoyed or upset, you might overreact with hurt, anger, or despair, when simple recognition and discussion of the problem is all that’s needed. You can reduce the negative impact of expectations by sharing your hopes and dreams with your partner, and working together to set goals and to realize more of your dreams. For example, if you understand an intimate partner will get irritated with you from time to time (and vice versa), you can be open about what is irritating, negotiate ways to minimize the frustration and friction by building in more space to be yourselves, and also work to improve yourself where you see fit, which will reduce the number of times your partner is annoyed, and make your real relationship seem more like your ideal of receiving unconditional love and approval.

Most people have some unrealistic expectations about love and partnership—either they expect things to be easier than they turn out to be, or more difficult. Our yearning for an unrealistically ideal relationship begins with longing to find someone who will satisfy the unfulfilled cravings for attention, approval, companionship, support and love that may have been left unsatisfied since we were children. We formulate our hopes and fears about relationships from these initial feelings.

New love, in its stew of lust, adrenaline, excitement, exaltation, love, admiration, hope, harmony, laughter, suspense, despair, sensual pleasure, and joy seems automatically and effortlessly to fulfill all our expectations. But as soon as the first rush is over, reality sets in and the work begins. When couples begin believing that they’ll live Happily Ever After in an effortless state of bliss, this natural subsiding of infatuation and confrontation with the reality of each other often seems to confirm their fears that love won’t work, and lead to disappointment, pain and dissatisfaction.

A relationship model based on realistic analysis of who you are, what you want and what your circumstances are can be every bit as exciting and satisfying (more so, because you can actually accomplish it) as your most romantic fantasy. What is realistic will vary from couple to couple, will change with varying circumstances, and will also depend to some degree on what each of you wants in your relationship. You can have happiness, satisfaction, excitement, and fulfillment, even though life and relationships aren’t effortless and perfect.

Everyone has different needs for closeness and space, for communication and silence, for accomplishment and relaxation. Being honest about what works (even when it’s different than the accepted role models) means taking the risk that both partners will not want the same things. Equal partners take responsibility for revealing who they really are, asking directly for what they want and being honest about preferences. Thus, both partners take the risk of hearing “no”, and getting disappointed. These personal risks are the most challenging kind, because both partners expose the most private aspects of their personalities, and both risk being rejected.

The reward for taking this risk is a sustainable relationship that feels natural to both partners because it suits the needs and talents of both, and makes only reasonable demands on each. It will remain pleasant, satisfying and functional for a lifetime.

Your expectations about relationships can be either helpful, if they provide reasonable and effective goals to strive for; or harmful, if they are so unrealistic that you cannot ever attain them, and they become a source of ongoing disappointment and a sense of failure. A useful ideal allows for the realities and limitations of life without manufacturing needless barriers to growth and change, and provides an atmosphere that supports both of you to be the best you can be as autonomous, equal partners.
Here are 5 tips, for creating the real-life version of unconditional love.

1: Talk about your mutual expectations. If you discuss your hopes and dreams about marriage, sex, money, sharing a home, and the future in advance, you’ll get a chance to see how well you work things out together. If you just struggle and get nowhere, you’ll need some help to make your relationship work.

2: Remember that goodwill counts. Don’t forget to say the nice things, complements, thank-you’s—and request that your partner learn to do that, too. It’s as if you have a “relationship reservoir,” which stores up all the good feelings and memories—when times get tough, you draw on that. If it has lots of negatives, resentments, etc, your marriage will not have staying power. If your reservoir is full of goodwill and love, your marriage will survive the tough times.

3: Get relationship counseling. A good counselor or minister will be able to ask the questions that you may not have thought of, or may be avoiding. Because the counselor is not involved, his or her objective viewpoint can help you open up your communication. You can improve your already good relationship to the point where it’s completely satisfying.

CLICK HERE to read more.

A part of the beauty of being in relationship is experiencing the contrast that you and your partner bring to your dynamic.  Instead of appreciating that contrast we have a tendency to get mad, pissed off, and flat out flabbergasted when our partner doesn’t think or do as we would think or do.  This approach to relationships is all wrong.  If both of you thought and did the same then one of you is unneccessary.  Of course we think you should have common interest and be of like mind….but we also know that it’s extremely important for both of you to bring your uniqueness to the table in order for the relationship to be it’s absolute best.

In this video we talk about people who are having difficulty in their relationship and have chosen to give up instead of getting deeper in.  We also talk about people who probably should step away because they’re suffocating in a relationship with little to no promise.  Check it out and let us know what you think…..Have you given up on your relationship?

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CLICK HERE for INDIVIDUAL or COUPLES COACHING

CLICK HERE to get your RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENT

By Dr. Tina Tessina

The old folk songs say it:

Oh, love is handsome, love is fine
Love is a jewel when it is new;
But when love’s old, it waxes cold
And fades away, like morning dew.

Folk wisdom says it: If newlyweds put a penny in a jar for every time they make love in the first year, and take one out for every time after that, the jar will never be empty.

Although most of us hope for our love to last forever, studies show that many couples who have been married for several years actually feel quite hopeless about keeping love alive, or at best resigned to boredom.

Avoiding Boredom
Boredom in a relationship is usually the result of avoidance — of each other, of change, of responsibility, or of life.

Boredom is a signal that the two of you have begun to take each other and your relationship for granted. Perhaps your activities have become too routine or you are avoiding facing a problem. Counter the boredom by taking necessary risks — for example, have that scary discussion about sex, aging, your in-laws, or dare to suggest a change in your routine. If the cause of boredom is a too-regular routine, the problem is easily fixed. All you need to do is… anything different. It doesn’t matter what you do as long as it’s different and can be shared.

Use the following three words as your key to avoiding boredom: celebration, play, and laughter: 

Celebration: Just as you used celebration as an important ingredient of your marriage ceremony, work promotions, your children’s birthdays and graduation, you and your spouse need to continue celebrating your love throughout your lives to keep your energy high and maintain your motivation. Frequent celebrations demonstrate your love and appreciation for each other.

Organize festivities with friends, or celebrate alone together. Go away for the weekend to mark a special event or simply to celebrate the fact of your continuing love. Plan a special evening at home or at a restaurant; attend a concert to go to an amusement park together. In short, don’t stop dating because you’ve been together a long time.

A celebration need not be expensive. The point is to acknowledge that you’re celebrating something. Ginger ale in a champagne glass, a lit candle and a bubble bath may be all you need.

Play: Playing together can help you to avoid boredom. It’s during play that we re-create and renew our individual and mutual energies. Make recreation, play, and fun a priority in your relationship, setting aside time for play on a regular basis. Filling all of your spare time with overtime work, volunteer work, or other such activities can translate into an avoidance of your partner. Get over any reluctance you have to appear silly, and throw a frisbee, blow bubbles, get on the swings in the park, play a cutthroat game of Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit, or just read silly jokes and funny stories to each other.

CLICK HERE to read more.