Are You Raising Or Ruling Your Children?

By James Druman

Parenting is the most important leadership role the average person will take in their lifetime, but how many parents take it seriously? Many parents in modern-day America see themselves as playing more of a caretaker role than a leadership role, but being a great mother or father is much more than putting the food on the table and paying the rent. If you are considering the influence you have on your child’s life, it is a good idea to cultivate good habits for example, as leading by example is one of the most effective approaches a parent can take.

Here are four simple ways to use this subtle leadership style with your children.


1. Not Interrupting

This one seems very minor, but it is a crucial step in learning to communicate properly. Unfortunately, many parents expect their children not to interrupt but they do it themselves all the time, especially when they are interrupting their own children. This comes from a subconscious idea we have that what we say has more importance than whatever our child has to say—because we are adults, and we don’t really find interest or magnitude in the thoughts and feelings children have.

This is very damaging not only because it minimizes what your child thinks and feels but also because it teaches an unhealthy way of talking with other people. They may keep their mouth shut when you are talking, but in other situations, when they feel they are in charge, they will follow your lead.

2. Control Your Emotions

Perhaps the most important lesson by example is learning to control your emotions. Many parents have trouble with this simply because they never learned healthy ways of dealing with emotions, and if they get angry at their child they may yell or say hurtful things. Similarly, parents often lose their emotions when arguing with each other in front of the kids. While kids usually forgive these behaviors, they also learn from them. If you have problems dealing with anger and other emotions, it never hurts to speak with a therapist and discuss more positive means of emotional expression.

3. Stay Active

These days, it is more important than ever to teach your kids to be active so they can avoid the pitfalls of modern sedentary lifestyles. The best way to do this is be active yourself. Don’t sit around the house, gorging yourself on television every time you get a chance. Instead, keep busy by tending to things that need to be done in the yard or busying yourself with meaningful, productive hobbies. Go to a gym to actively care for your body, and regularly engage in recreational sports.


4. Play Fair

Finally, if you want your child to become a person with a sense of justice, you need to teach them to be fair to others. Similar to interrupting them, always using the “whatever I say goes” approach to parenting or calling authority on them is a bad example to set. You are, of course, an authority and should certainly use that for your child’s best interest—to teach them and keep them safe—but you should never wield that power just because you can.

Leading by example is effective because much of what a child learns from a parent is subconscious, and in the end, they will often follow your behaviors no matter what you say. Not to mention that by being a stable mentor and practicing what you preach, you earn their respect rather than demand it. And that is priceless.

James Druman is an author and world traveler who runs several businesses from his laptop while traveling the world. He currently offers freelance writing and a wide range of internet marketing services for offline and online businesses.

To Pierce Or Not To Pierce

By Lana Moline

It is customary in many cultures to have a girl’s ears pierced as a baby.  In fact, my ears were pierced when I was young  but for many years early on, I would either forget to put my earrings on or loose them.  At one point, my hole closed and I just didn’t worry about it.  But somewhere around the age of 16 my big sister and I went together to get our ears pierced.  I’m not sure why, but that was the beginning of many decisions of fashion and beauty and it felt pretty good to make this one for myself.  It wasn’t a deep decision.  I just thought it would look nice because everyone around me looked so nice with theirs.  Now that I am a mother of 2 beautiful daughters, my views on it all are ever evolving because honestly when I look at them I think to myself “they are beautiful just the way they are., I hope they know that.”
I chose not to have either of my daughter’s ears pierced.  Yes I wear earrings and have explained to my daughters that when they are older, they can make the decision for themselves.  I am not knocking anyone’s decision to go in that direction with their daughter.  I just want to make sure that I am clear in what I communicate to my daughters in these very formidable years.  The message that I want to send is that the choice is yours, down the line.  Right now my focus is positive self-esteem, confidence and a commitment to continued growth.  They are already so inundated with messages about everything from popularity to being cool and enormous peer pressure.  I just didn’t want to fuel that by giving them one more unnecessary decision to make every day.
I know this may seem a little contradictory to some considering the fact that I wear earrings but my heart’s intent is pure.  Believe me, the time I spend in the morning trying to match my outfits and coordinate earrings yet remain understated and professional could be best spent doing something else.  So trust me, I am considering my own words.  Truth be told, I still believe that less is more and allowing our natural beauty to shine through without hiding it behind anything is proudly displaying the belief that “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” because I was made in the image of God.
As women we go through so many changes and challenges with self perceptions and body image.  I just want to give my girls a chance the best way I know how and not impose something on to them that they may or may not subscribe to in their lives.  My desire is that when they look in the mirror, they will see what I see – an intelligent,  confident young lady with a purpose who is absolutely beautiful.

Lana Moline is an integral part of the Blackloveandmarriage.com writing team, freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her atLana Moline Speaks.

How To Host Your Child’s Party Without Inviting The Whole Class

By Debbie Denard

Most parents remember the dismay that accompanied being passed over for birthday party invitations during their own school days, but modern standards in schools have changed, with many school systems implementing a rule that effectively bans kids from passing out invitations unless the entire class is invited. There are several reasons why such a large gathering might be less than ideal, but getting around this rule and issuing invitations to selected children can be difficult territory to navigate.

 

If you’re forced to circumvent the rule and invite only a select few children, you aren’t without your options. Consider these solutions to the logistical problem of inviting the pared down list.

 

Request the Class Snail Mail List – Many schools, especially those of the private variety, hand out class directories along with their school handbooks and supply lists at the beginning of the year. If your child’s school has adopted a similar policy, mailing invitations to the homes of the kids that your youngster wishes to invite should be a breeze. For a more personal touch, let your kids help to create homemade invitations, rather than mass-produced store-bought options.

Use the Email or Phone Tree – Phone trees and email lists are generally intended to be used in the event of an unforeseen school closing or emergency; however, they can also prove useful when birthday time rolls around and it simply isn’t feasible to invite the entire class. Contact the parents of just the students you wish to invite; sending out a mass email or text will almost certainly drum up just as much controversy as choosing to hand invitations out to a select few in the crowded cafeteria.

Instruct Kids to Pass Out Invitations Privately – Provided that your child is old enough to understand that “privately” doesn’t mean on the playground or in the lunchroom, discussing the importance of being polite and discreet about passing out invitations can help your child learn basic etiquette while also helping you get around the “whole class or no invitations” rule. If there’s any doubt at all in your child’s ability to be discreet, though, this might not be the best route.

Keep the Guest List Down to Close Friends – Large-scale parties involving every acquaintance and distant relative that your child has could very easily prove to be more overwhelming to her than memorable, so striving to keep the guest list small and shooting for a more intimate gathering could be wise. As an added bonus, a small guest list comprised solely of close friends means that you’ll be able to easily contact everyone on it; no need to bring invitations to school at all!

Take Advantage of Social Media – The Internet has certainly changed the way that adults connect and interact; in no area is this more immediately apparent than social media. If you have the parents of all the children you wish to invite on your friends list, shooting a personal message requesting a mailing address for a physical invite or an email address for a virtual one is the work of a moment.

Use Extracurricular Activity Meetings – Extracurricular activities, especially those that are not school sponsored, give kids the chance to meet and befriend others that they might not have even met otherwise. Even if the kids at dance class or hockey practice do attend the same school as your child, the smaller group size and more intimate setting makes it easier to quietly slip an invitation into a child’s hands.

While accommodating rules like this one can be inconvenient, it’s important to remember that the feelings of a child are at stake; be sure to avoid any deliberately exclusionary behavior, and keep the thoughts and reactions of a young child in mind as you plan your strategy. Furthermore, make sure your child knows that holding the lack of an invitation over another child or blatantly discussing the party afterward in front of an excluded child isn’t polite and can lead to hurt feelings.

Black And White Twin Sisters – 7 Years Later

By Paul Harris and Lucy Laing

One is black and has big brown eyes. The other is a blue-eyed blonde with the palest of skin.  They might share the same cheeky

smile, but side by side, they could hardly look less alike.  Yet remarkably, Kian and Remee are twins, born a minute apart.  The pair

owe their appearance to a one in a million combination of their parents’ genes.  Mother Kylee Hodgson and father Remi Horder

both have white mothers and black fathers.  The startling result is a two-tone set of delightful little girls.

CLICK HERE to read more.

Protecting & Preparing Our Children: Where Do We Draw The Line Between Allowing A Child To Experience Difficult Situations And Excessive Hurt?

By Hillary Spirer Leeder

We all want our children to grow up to be resilient, independent individuals, able to confront challenging situations and difficult people. But where do we draw the line between leaving a child to fend for him or herself, occasionally with some guidance, and sheltering the child under a parental wing?

Recently Tracey, a close friend of mine, made a fundamental decision regarding her daughter’s education — one that addressed this conflict and gave me insight about where I stand as a parent.

Tracey’s daughter had been going to a local nursery school since she turned two. The teachers and staff were kind and supportive and the classmates were, for the most part, friendly.

The changes started to occur during her daughter’s pre-K year. The year began uneventfully. Her husband for the most part gave her positive reports of the morning drop-offs. The only notable change from previous years was that her daughter never seemed to attach herself to any child upon arrival into the classroom. No one reached out to include her; the teacher left her daughter to make her own way.

Tracey would tell how her daughter began to come home with upsetting incidents that occurred at school. “I did not have a good day,” her daughter would say. “Brian pushed me and he didn’t say I’m sorry.”

Then the classmate criticisms extended to her daughter’s lunches. “Mommy, don’t pack me bread and butter anymore. Jayla and Sophia say that it’s gross and they tell others not to sit at my table.”

Tracey and I chalked it up to a childhood growing experience. After all, we reasoned, her daughter needed to learn how to advocate for herself and tell the teacher if something or someone was bothering her. Also, Tracey observed that it didn’t seem to bother her daughter fundamentally. Her daughter went to bed well and never refused to go to school in the morning. She was even called for play dates.

But the reports of the mean comments continued. During what was supposed to be a soothing nighttime bath, her daughter revealed that, “Fatima said that if I eat my dessert first she won’t invite me to her birthday party.”

Tracey would have endless talks with her daughter trying to boost her self-confidence and practice effective responses in such situations. She would call me all of the time to talk about how worried she was that her daughter was continually being exposed to criticism by her peers—at the ripe age of four. But she still rationalized these experiences saying, “My daughter has to learn that children will not always be nice. She has to develop the skills to respond to the challenges.”

Tracey made the teachers aware of the situation but it didn’t help. Her daughter was beginning to withdraw in her interactions with other children. .

One night, she called me, triumphant. “I did it. I pulled her out of the school.”

I was shocked. Shouldn’t her daughter stay? Even, if only to grow from these incidents with her classmates?

I was shocked. Yes her daughter did seem to be having a difficult time, but I wasn’t so sure if it warranted such a drastic decision. Shouldn’t her daughter stay, if only to grow from these occurrences?

Then Tracey told me what had been the final straw. She was listening in on a conversation that her daughter was having with a little boy around her age. The boy was talking excitedly about a neat truck he had seen. Her daughter responded with what was presumably most on her mind:

“Pinny at school said that I’m not his friend.”

“At my daughter’s age, her thoughts and conversations should be about how high her Dad pushed her on a swing or her favorite doll, not about her latest social ostracism. I didn’t realize how much these assaults were affecting her until then.”

I started to see her point.

“I realized I did not have to send her into an environment that is consistently causing her such turmoil ,” Tracey concluded. “It was doing her more harm than good.”

As a parent, I have received varying perspectives from family, friends, and society on how one should expose one’s child to reality. Most of these messages involve how I must help my young children learn to cope through adversity to get them ready for the harsh challenges of the “outside world.” Sheltering one’s child or providing something akin to a “band aid” is considered a parental error at best and a damaging transgression at worst.

I think this perspective reflects a fundamental error in our raising our children.

I think we forget that childhood is life, not merely the preparation for life.

The personal integrity of all beings, even the very smallest, demands that they be spared pain and hardship to the greatest possible extent.

Yes, it is important to allow one’s child to experience and handle difficult situations to learn important life lessons. But when does lesson learning turn into excessive hurt and suffering?

The answer depends on the extent of the difficulty and the individual child’s ability to process the circumstances.

I remember being teased in nursery school by two little girls who wore all the latest pink, frilly styles. I was mortified by my blue, boyish Osh Kosh B’Gosh pants, and the girls’ continued cliquishness and unfriendly behavior did not help my self-esteem. The adults surrounding me assured me that I was adorable with what I was already wearing, and that I did not need the approval of those girls to feel good about myself. But at the age of four, all I understood was that my blue jeans were ugly and that I was profoundly unhappy. No matter what the adults said, my conclusion was that something was wrong with me–period. These painful memories contributed to lowered self-esteem during my school years.

As parents we cannot assume that every challenge will be beneficial in strengthening our children’s abilities to cope. For many children, a blow will simply hurt.

Tracey’s daughter left that nursery school and is currently thriving in a smaller environment which allows the teachers to be aware of every student at any given part of the day. The school also has a strong focus on helping children learn how to have healthy social interactions.

In a child’s turbulent and unpredictable life, sometimes a safe shelter is just what he or she needs to weather the storm.

Editor’s Note: Names and minor details have been changed to protect the parties involved.

Hilary Spirer Leeder is a writer and a guidance counselor at the Torah School in Silver Spring, Maryland. Her articles have appeared in a number of publications. Mrs. Leeder obtained an MSW degree from NYU and a BA degree in film from Columbia University. She lives with her husband and children in Silver Spring, Maryland.

Mother Weeps After Beating Her Son To Death For Wetting Himself

From YourBlackWorld.com

You have to feel bad for this mother, who not only lost her child, but knows that she’s the reason that the baby is gone.  Yea, she did kill him, but there is a difference between an accident and deliberate neglect.  As Dr. Boyce points out, we have to be careful about how we discipline our kids and make sure we don’t put them in harms way accidentally.  This woman may have allowed her anger to enter into her discipline, causing her to do something that simply can’t be taken back.

May her baby rest in peace, and may all of us learn how to discipline our kids without harming them.  This tragedy was just senseless.

CLICK HERE to read more.

The Ten Commandments of Parenting Teenagers

By:  Joanne Kimes and R.J. Colleary with Rebecca Rutledge, PhD,

As we all know and regret deeply, kids aren’t born with instruction manuals informing us of the intricacies of how they work. As parents, our only option is to learn as we go. When our kids were babies, we learned to nap when they napped, to put valuables up on the high shelves, and that m&ms make excellent bribing tools when potty training. But now that your baby is no longer a baby (although he still may act that way from time to time), there is a whole new set of instructions to learn.

Parenting a teenager is a fulltime job, because being a teenager is also a fulltime job. Sure, they may busy themselves with school, sports, and text-messaging, but their true raison-d’etre is to perpetuate their teenager-ness 24/7. Which means while you are slacking off doing things like breathing and living, your teenagers are doing things like plotting and scheming. (They will throw in some sleeping as well, what with being teenagers and all.) Because their lives are all about them, and yours is all about working, cooking, cleaning, paying the taxes, and still finding time for Dancing With The Stars, they have the upper hand.

Were you ever a lifeguard? Me neither. As Woody Allen once said, I don’t tan; I stroke. But as any lifeguard will tell you, the biggest threat to their personal safety is not a riptide or a shark. It’s a swimmer in trouble. Yes, the very person they are dedicated to help will, in their own panic and hysteria, threaten to destroy them both. Sound familiar? That’s because you’re the parent of a teenager.

When babies, your children caused you to become sleep deprived, overwhelmed, and drink excessively. Now that they’re older, they still cause you to become sleep deprived, overwhelmed, and drink excessively. As you’ve heard, the more things change, the more they stay the same, and that holds true for parenting as well. So how do you survive? How do you get through each day with the constant screaming, crying and demands (I’m talking about from your teens, not your babies). You follow the rules of course. For as lost as you may feel parenting your teens, there are some guidelines to follow to help you keep your sanity. Or, what’s left of your sanity after parenting for so many years.

Therefore, to help you deal with your troublesome teen, keep the following rules in mind:

The Ten Commandments Of Parenting Teenagers

1. You are always right. And if you’re not always right, it’s because your parents messed you up when you were a kid
2. Praise in public, criticize in private. Most people do the opposite. Don’t be like most people.
3.  Yes, you do have to tell them a thousand times. Stop counting and get over it. Now tell them again.
4. Your teens are smarter than you think, and stronger than you realize. So don’t go acting all superior just because you have wrinkles and credit cards.
5. Remember they are growing up a lot faster than you did. Advantage, you. Growing up fast is way overrated.
6. When they really screw up is when they need you most. If your parents comforted you in those situations, remember how good it felt? And if they didn’t, remember how much worse it made you feel?
7. Their defeats are 50% yours, but their victories are 100% theirs. Not exactly sure what that means, it showed up in a fortune cookie. But it feels true.
8. Remind yourself, they won’t be teenagers forever. Someday you will look back on these years and laugh. Definitely. Probably. Maybe.
9. Love them enough to let them hate you. Don’t be their friend. Be their parent. Friends come and go. You’re all-in.
10. Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you bleed internally.
11. (Bonus Commandment) You can do this.

If you keep these commandments in mind, you’ll be much better equipped to tread through the dangerous road of teenhood. These rules will enable you to survive the tough times filled with defiance, rebellion, and constant eye-rolling. Like anything else from working a remote control to getting through airport security, familiarizing yourself with the rules will makes things run much smoother (although I still manage to carry-on some forbidden article like one too many ounces of liquid, that sends me straight to the frisking area). Print out this list of commandments and keep it close. Stick it on the fridge for battles at home. Keep it in your wallet to for troubles on-the-go. And remember, if you can manage to get through this difficult stage of raising teenagers, in a few years when they move out, you’ll be rewarded with a lovely spare bedroom to convert into your dream room!

Joanne Kimes, R.J. Colleary, and Rebecca Rutledge, PhD,
are the authors of 
Teenagers Suck: What to do when missed curfews, texting, and “Mom can I have the keys?” make you miserable.

Rest And The Mom-cation

By Lana Moline

I am always incredibly torn when my children leave to visit their grandparents during the summer.  I have no doubt that they will be well cared for and that they will have a great time.  The truth is, I miss them like crazy.  When they were little, the sleepless nights were brutal and I wished for “me time” or just a moment’s break but now that they are at a point of independence, it’s hard for me to truly accept the fact that this is only the beginning.  They were merely loaned to me for a little while.

They are blessed kids because all of their grandparents are fantastic and contribute in whatever way they can from sewing all the bedding on their cribs when they were born to story time via skype to visiting just because – they are awesome.  I sincerely rest at ease knowing that they are loved and cared for when they visit.  What I never anticipate is how much my every day life is morphed into theirs.  Today I considered what I should cook, what I felt like eating and even what I was going to watch on tv and everything still centered around them.

God spoke to me clearly this weekend.  My pastor pointed out the fact that restoration is a combination of rest and recuperation and then today as I flipped the channel I heard a pastor share that we should stop trying to be everyone’s hero especially when we have run out of gas.  I was reminded that it’s okay to say “I am tired or I don’t know or I don’t feel up to it right now.” In the message he urged us to take our capes off and just get some rest.  My pastor said the same thing in his message.  He shared from I Kings 19:1-8 that sometimes what we need is to rest.  It’s a very confirming thing to be reminded that although we are mothers and wives, we are also still human.  I seriously needed to hear that up close and personal and then be reminded again today so I won’t busy my much-needed “mom-cation” with unnecessary chores.  In the end I’ve got to remember that although I wear all the hats, my charge is still the same – guard the temple and steward it well.

If you are reading this and need some rest, here’s your confirmation in 3′s:  I am telling you, I heard it today on Christian TV and my pastor said it too.  Get the rest you need.

Lana Moline is an integral part of the Blackloveandmarriage.com writing team, freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her atLana Moline Speaks.

Perspective In The Middle Of It – Today Is The Beginning Of …

By Ayize Ma’at

The past 10 days in the Ma’at house have been ABSOLUTELY HECTIC.  It felt like I was auditioning for Universoul Circus because I was wearing many different hats, playing many different roles, and juggling many different balls as we prepared our oldest son, Asante, for hip surgery Friday morning.  There were a wide range of emotions that were experienced during this 10 day period that occasionally knocked us off balance and challenged our peace.  Yes, we’re human : )….in the midst of it all we learned to BE STILL.

Prior to surgery, we prayed with Asante and reassured him that everything would be o.k.

I played video games with him to ease whatever fear or concern he may be experiencing.  Aiyana comforted him with kisses and “that’s my baby” glances.

On Friday, the day of surgery,  Aiyana and Asante got suited in their surgery gear at approximately 8:30am EST.  After I kissed him on the forehead and said “see you in a few”, I watched Aiyana walk with Asante as he was wheeled through the double doors to the operating room.

Aiyana then anxiously watched Asante go to sleep mid sentence seconds after the anesthesia was administered.  Shortly after Asante went to sleep, Aiyana returned to the waiting area, where we both sat patiently and allowed God to work through the Doctors’ hands.  1 hour later the doctor came out and said SURGERY WAS A SUCCESS.

We give thanks.

We were then permitted to return to Asante’s bedside.  Asante could hardly keep his eyes because of the heavy sedation.  He was in an intense amount of pain post operation and required doses of morphine to ease the pain.

What’s amazing is that while he was in the middle of it…post surgery, in the middle of pain, and under heavy sedation he had enough perspective to say …”TODAY IS THE BEGINNING OF HISTORY.”  Today is a new beginning.  Today I begin my journey toward being able to run, jump, and play like other 10 year olds do.

Again, we give thanks.  Asante was released from the Hospital on Saturday evening.  He is now at home recovering.  Thank you for all of your prayers.

It’s Hard To Watch My Wife Cry

By Ayize Ma’at

A couple of days ago I had an interesting early morning experience.  Aiyana had just finished a daily devotional phone call with her mom and was just laying still staring at me when I opened my eyes.  By the look on her face I could tell something was on her spirit and tears were ready to pour.  So I asked her “What’s wrong baby?”  She said, “We’ve got a lot going on, and it’s hard.”  Before  she even finished the last word she began crying.  I sat there and looked at her as tears fell from her eyes.  I listened to her release into the atmosphere the load that’s weighing heavy on her heart.  A part of me felt helpless and handicapped because all I could offer was a kiss on the forehead and reassurance that we’re gonna get through this.

Those of you who follow us know that our tag line is Stop Playing Start Pushing.   We’re all about overcoming obstacles, shape shifting, and breaking down barriers.  While this approach to life is definitely necessary, watching my wife cry and our subsequent conversation, evoked a different emotional response….simply…BE STILL.

You see, Stop Playing. Start Pushing….has it’s place. Standing still and feeling fear…..being present with the magnitude of the moment has it’s place too.  In that moment when I sat with my wife and experienced the meaning behind her tears, I too was challenged to be present and experience the magnitude of the moment….a moment which includes:

pre op authorizations, hydroxyurea, pulmonary specialist, sickle cell anemia, blood draws, albuterol 3 times/day, pediatrician clearance, singulair, bone marrow transplant appointment, pulmacort 3 times/day, avascular necrosis, blood transfusion,  and surgery….AND 3 OTHER CHILDREN.

When I sit and think about all of that and how ALL of it has been only a fraction of our hectic lives for the past 7 days….I say WOW.  I also say Thank God.  I thank God for the friend (you know who you are) who told my wife it’s o.k. to be afraid and feel overwhelmed.  I thank God for allowing me to have enough emotional insight to be the tissue for my wife’s tears and not be ashamed to shed my own.  I thank God for all of the folks out there who’ve donated to the PENNIES for ASANTE campaign, tweeted the PENNIES for ASANTE campaign, shared on FB the PENNIES for ASANTE campaign, offered to run a post on their website in support of the PENNIES for ASANTE campaign, and said a prayer for the PENNIES for ASANTE campaign.  All of it counts and I thank GOD for all of it.

Asante is having hip surgery on Friday 6/29 to address his Avascular Necrosis. He developed Avascular Necrosis in both hips as a result of SICKLE CELL ANEMIA.  While the surgery on Friday won’t cure his sickle cell (that’s what the PENNIES for ASANTE campaign is for) he’s still very excited and optimistic because he’s hoping this procedure will enable him to run and jump with his friends again.  Please say a prayer for him and our family yall…..we really appreciate your love and support.

CLICK HERE to donate to the PENNIES for ASANTE campaign.  We need your help.