Letters to My Daughters – Part 5: Love

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By Neysa Ellery Taylor

Dear Asyen and Maya,

Here it goes.. the boy talk.  I am sure you are thinking “what more can she say?  She already talks about this subject too much.”  (I bet Asyen is even rolling her eyes right now!)  But this is not about boys, this is about LOVE (and yes, there is a difference.)  I want you to know about love and finding a husband.

Well, I mis-spoke.  A husband should find you.  But I want you to be able to discern if the man that says he wants to marry you is really your husband.  And you can’t discuss marriage without first talking about love.  So let’s just jump right into it.

1.  Falling in like, lust, and a version of love is easy but staying in love is a choice.  Don’t let the butterflies in your stomach tell you that you are in love. That isn’t love.  That could be infatuation, lust, or gas.  But love is “I trust you with all of me and even when I don’t like you, can’t stand the sight of you, and want to walk away from you, I will choose to love you because hurting you hurts me.”  Until you get to this point in your relationship then you aren’t truly in love.

2.  Sex is great.  I am not going to lie and say “sex sucks” just to keep you from having sex.  Nope.  Not gonna do it.  Sex is AMAZING!  But let me explain it to you this way.  Imagine you are a trapeze artist in a circus.  You have climbed up the rope and you see your partner swinging toward you.  You are nervous and excited.  You reach out your hand and swing with your partner.  Now, if it is with the right person – a committed married relationship – you will keep swinging higher and higher.  You will turn tricks and flips because you trust that your partner will always catch you.  But if you are with the wrong partner, you will never get comfortable enough to let go and flip.  You will never find your rhythm and your partner can drop you.  And if your partner drops you, the effects can be emotionally devastating.

3.  You have to make sure that the man you marry has the following traits:
A.  He has to love God.  Your husband must love God and not be afraid to pray for and over you and the entire house.  Ask yourself this one question: “if I were dying, would I trust this man to pray over me?”  If the answer is “no,” then he isn’t your husband.

B.  You want a spouse that has vision  – both personally and collectively.  He has to have a plan and not be afraid to work the plan.

C.  You want a spouse that has a work ethic.  Will he work for the betterment of the household?  Can you trust him to hold down a job?

D.  You want a spouse that can balance a budget.  Can you work together and manage the finances?

E.  You want a spouse that you can have fun with.  Can you hang out with your spouse?  Can you giggle with your spouse?  Do you have fun together?  Do you like being around each other?

4.  Having standards is not the same as having a list.  Don’t be a woman that has a superficial list of traits that you want your spouse to have.  Things like “he has to be 6 ft tall and drive a Bentley” mean very little when they are 80 and in a hospital bed.  You can have standards – He must be honest, loving, kind – without being superficial.

5.  Don’t look for anything in a mate that you yourself don’t bring to the table.  I hate when people say “the man I marry must have a six pack and make at least $100-thousand” when they don’t make $20-thousand and are obese.  You want to be equally yoked.

6.  Finally – well, finally for tonight;  any love you are going to share with another person has to start with the love you have for yourself.  Love you.  Be complete by yourself.  The Word says you are “fearfully and wonderfully made.”  It doesn’t say youwill be fearful and wonderful when you find Mr. Right.  It means that you right now by yourself are the bomb, or the jam, or whatever the hot word is when you read this.

Remember, I love more than you know!  (and my standard disclaimer: I have the option to add more later.)

Love you both,
~Mama

Neysa Ellery Taylor is an integral part of the writing team here at Blackloveandmarriage.com. She lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work atMyriadthatisme.blogspot.com

Relationship Rule to Break: Never Argue In Front Of The Kids

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By Stacy Notaras Murphy

Many of us make it to adulthood with the belief that a perfect relationship means zero conflict, and we often funnel this belief into our parenting style. But disputes are inevitable, and so we cling to the mantra, “Never fight in front of the kids.” This usually results in one of two recurring scenarios: we hold all disagreement until afterhours, or we restrain our frustrations so severely that they bubble up into spurts of anger, unleashed without control.

My theory is that we are doing it all wrong.

In trying to protect our kids from seeing our conflict, we are unwittingly giving them a skewed impression of what adult relationships actually look like. Pretending that you don’t disagree about anything actually can set your kids up for extreme disappointment when they face their own inevitable power struggles: in school, at work, and in their own relationships.

Let your kids witness their parents having a healthy, respectful disagreement every once in a while. Let me be clear: I’m not advocating that you give your kids a big-show-blowout, complete with name-calling and hair-pulling (if this is the way you argue normally, please give me a call…). But offering your children a preview of how conscious adults can have disagreements and work through them can be a tremendous gift. Better to practice this modeling around disagreements that steer clear of anything too intimate or scary in any way. Create a “safe word” that one of you can utter when the topic is a bit too loaded, asking your partner to take this conversation off-site at a later date. Parents who never argue in front of their kids may be handing them the expectation that conflict does not, or should never, happen between loving adults. Meanwhile, those who take their yelling fits behind closed doors actually are letting their kids hear those muffled arguments, minus the understanding and reconciliation that usually comes next. As a result, kids are saddled with the belief that their parents scream and yell and then all is forgotten – not a great framework for future relationships either.

Modeling healthy disagreement – incorporating the hallmarks of mirroring, validation, empathy – is a tremendous gift to your relationship, obviously. But it has the added benefit of helping your kids form a realistic idea of healthy connection.

Source: The Imago Center of Washington DC

Letters to My Daughter – Part 4: Money

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By Neysa Ellery Taylor

Dear Asyen and Maya,

You both know that this is an arena where Dad and I struggle.  So this is going to be really short….

1.  Follow this formula:
10% Tithe
20% save
25% living expenses (rent)
45% the rest of life goes here

2.  Don’t charge stuff.  Instead save up for it and then pay cash.  The stress isn’t worth the instant gratification you get when you charge something.

3.  Money isn’t everything but money does make some things much easier.

3.  Honestly, don’t have a big wedding.  Have a small wedding and a great honeymoon.  Save the rest of the money.  Buy a duplex.  Live in 1 half and rent out the other.  In 3-5 years take the money you saved and buy a single family home.  Keep the duplex as rental property.  Ta-da! You just built generational wealth.  Then for you 10 year anniversary have the wedding of your dreams.  Trust me on this one!

4.  Never be afraid to take a step back in order to take a leap forward.

5. Finally, if you have questions beyond this ask Auntie Keri.  Believe me.  She has the answers!

Love you so much that I want you to do better than me on this one,
~Mama

Neysa Ellery Taylor is an integral part of the writing team here at Blackloveandmarriage.com. She lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work atMyriadthatisme.blogspot.com


Husband Locked Up…Is It OK To Lie To Your Kids?

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VIDEO: While raising children we are often confronted with situations that challenge us to make difficult decisions. Sometimes we wrestle with what to or what not to expose our children to. This process becomes all the more complex when you are in a relationship and can’t (at least you shouldn’t) make these decisions on your own. In this video we aim to help a viewer make a decision about whether she and her husband should tell their children that her husband will soon go to jail and be locked up for a period of 10 days. Her mother-in-law feels she should just tell them he’s going to be away for a little while and as much as we feel their is value to what our elders can teach us—–it’s not up to her—-plain and simple. This decision is for Mom and Dad.  While this video may present differing perspectives…ultimately we feel that parents must come to a decision together and move forward as a united team with one message. B Intentional Family: What do you think? Is it Ok to lie to children when someone in the family is in jail? Leave a comment or submit a video response letting us know what you think.

Letters to My Daughter – Part 3: Self Esteem & Beauty

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By Neysa Ellery Taylor

Dear Asyen and Maya,

Since you are a Black woman in America, there will be many assaults on your self esteem.  You are much more than some tail.  You are much more than cute.  You are “fearfully and wonderfully made!”  You are some of God’s best work!  Don’t get cocky because everyone is God’s best work because He doesn’t make mess.  But you should believe that you are special, because you are.

If you want to have a healthy self esteem, then remember a few things.
1.  The way you look is important but who you are inside is more important.  Lead with nice.  Don’t be a mean girl.  Don’t wear bitchy as a badge of honor.  You an be assertive, aggressive, smart, witty, and NICE.  Too many people forget that.

2.  Pretty is fleeting, but smarts are forever.  Don’t be the giggly girl that thinks being dumb is cute.  It’s not.  Smart is cute.  Smart is wonderful.  Smart lasts forever.

3.  Don’t feed your self-esteem a diet of crap.  If all you know is Style Magazine or music videos, then you will have no idea of how awesome you are.  But if you are reading Maya Angelou, Pearl Cleage, or Mildred Taylor, your self-esteem cup will be overflowing.

4.  Always think “I can do it” first.  There is nothing cute about “I can’t.”  Too many women believe they can’t do something.  Saying “I don’t want to do something” is totally different than saying “I can’t do something.”  You can speak Spanish.  You can change a tire.  You can paint a room.  You can fix the plumbing.  You might not want to, but you can.  And the only way that you will know that you can is by doing.  So do (fill in the blank).  (Guidepost:  Call Auntie Sjar.  Her adventurous spirit runs deep.  She believes that she can and she does!)

But there are a few things you should know about beauty.

1.  The first is that you have to define your own look.  Most people fall into one of 2 categories – signature style or style chameleon.  Folks with a signature style have a go-to look that influences all of their style decisions – think Mikki Taylor.  But there are other folks who are style chameleons – think Beyonce.  There are pros and cons of each but you have to figure out who you are and which style category you fall in.  Then own it!  Do You!

2.  Look your best.  That means no head rags, ashy-ness, or chapped lips.  Think about Grandy.  When Grandy steps out the door she is ready to meet and greet anyone.  She would not be embarrassed to say “hi” to anyone.  That doesn’t mean that she is suited up all the time.  It just means that she is ready to face the day giving her best self.  We should all do the same.

3.  Wear clothes that fit your shape.  Some are apples.  Some are hourglasses.  Some are palm trees (ok I made that one up!) But everyone has a different shape.  So wear clothes that compliment your shape and don’t try to be anyone else.  (Guidepost: If you need help with this call Miss Faith.  She is an awesome stylists!)

4.  Wear clothes that fit.  If you are a size 12, own it.  Don’t stuff a 12 into an 8.  You just will look like a hot link sausage.  Actually a hot link would look better because it’s at least smooth.  And speaking of smooth, undergarments are important.  Grandy wore girdles back in the day, but then the 70’s came and girdles went out the window.  But guess what?  We are learning that the correct undergarments are so important.  I still hate panty hose, but the right underwear will have you looking together.  This isn’t just for the curvier girls.  EVERYONE can benefit from the right undergarments.

There will be days when you will fill less than awesome.  Don’t worry it happens to everyone.  Whenever you are feeling down and need a self-esteem boost, you should turn up India.Arie and Jill Scott.  (Just grab my ipod.)  Sing out LOUD!  Do a little dance.  But if that doesn’t work, call me.  I will always tell you how awesome you are!

I love you more every day!
~Mama

Neysa Ellery Taylor is an integral part of the writing team here at Blackloveandmarriage.com. She lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work atMyriadthatisme.blogspot.com


Your Child Doesn’t Know What To Do Unless They’re Taught What To Do

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VIDEO: There are a lot of similarities between raising a child and “raising” a relationship.  One of the key components of both is that you need to B Intentional about making consistent positive deposits if you expect to reap positive results.  Far to often we encounter parents who engage the world assuming that there children will “just get it”.  No…this simply isn’t the case…In order for them to “just get it” you need to “just do it”.  By “do it” we mean devote time and attention to teaching your children vs expecting them to somehow know how to negotiate the world.  In this video we help a frustrated wife who feels like it’s o.k. to set expectations for her child however her husband feels otherwise.  Listen in and let us know what you think.

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‘Kids On Race: The Hidden Picture’

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By Chuck Hadad

Tune in to “Anderson Cooper 360°” all week for the surprising results of a groundbreaking new study on children and race at 8 and 10 p.m. ET.

(CNN) — A white child and a black child look at the exact same picture of two students on the playground but what they see is often very different and what they say speaks volumes about the racial divide in America.

The pictures, designed to be ambiguous, are at the heart of a groundbreaking new study on children and race commissioned by CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360°. White and black kids were asked: “What’s happening in this picture?”, “Are these two children friends?” and “Would their parents like it if they were friends?” The study found a chasm between the races as young as age 6.

Overall, black first-graders had far more positive interpretations of the images than white first-graders. The majority of black 6-year-olds were much more likely to say things like, “Chris is helping Alex up off the ground” versus “Chris pushed Alex off the swing.”

They were also far more likely to think the children pictured are friends and to believe their parents would like them to be friends. In fact, only 38% of black children had a negative interpretation of the pictures, whereas almost double — a full 70% of white kids — felt something negative was happening.

But why? CNN hired renowned child psychologist and University of Maryland professor Dr. Melanie Killen as a consultant to design and implement this study. She says the divide often begins with the different ways parents talk to their kids about race.

“African American parents … are very early on preparing their children for the world of diversity and also for the world of potential discrimination,” said Killen, adding, “they’re certainly talking about issues of race and what it means to be a different race and when it matters and when it doesn’t matter.”

In contrast, the negativity for white children could be more of a result of what parents are not saying to their children than what they are saying. Dr. Killen contends that white parents often believe their children are socially colorblind and race is not an issue necessary to address. “They sort of have this view that if you talk about race, you are creating a problem and what we’re finding is that children are aware of race very early,” said Killen.

CLICK HERE to read more.

 

My Son Will Do Great Things.

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By Lana Moline

My son is 14 years old.  He is an athlete, a brilliant student, very handsome and he can do whatever he puts his mind to.  I joke with him a lot about who he will marry and how his kids are going to leave candy wrappers around the house like he does or ask for money or want to go somewhere all the time.  These are all the things that although I clown him about, I love everything about him.  Our relationship is evolving.  He’s my oldest, my introductory gift into motherhood.  Our story started out rocky because I was single at the time and involved with a man who still probably struggles to understand just how important his presence is in his son’s life.  Nevertheless, he bonded with my husband at the age of 2 and overcame some tremendous emotional upheavals considering his ambivalent relationship with his biological dad.

I share with single mothers of sons all the time that it’s an uphill battle but things will get better as long as there is love, honesty and consistency in their lives.  My story is a little unique because my son’s father has no justifiable reason not to have a solid relationship with our son and so there was never a roadblock to keep him away.  As a result, my son has dealt firsthand and genuinely for himself the isolation that came as a result of him not returning phone calls or consistently being around.  Also, he’s had the opportunity to confront his father for himself and get off of his chest exactly what he was feeling.

I think it was 7 or 8 years ago where we both happened to be back in our hometown visiting our families for the holidays.  My son’s father called and asked to see him and I acquiesced.  They visited in the living room for maybe an hour or so.  During that time, my son voiced his feelings and I heard crying and outrage.  It was my sweetheart asking “why don’t you spend time with me?”  ”Why don’t you call me?”  It broke my heart.  Those were fair questions and at that moment, I stepped completely out of the loop because my son had spoken his peace.  Promises were made that day and sadly not all of them were honored but what I as a mother accepted was that there are places that my son will need to go without me as a man where all I can do is pray his strength.

Years after that I saw my son unplug from a relationship that did not supply him with the things that he needs and plug into the ones that do.  All of this was probably more of a lesson for me than anything.  I have confidence that my son will grow up to be strong, brave and fair because that’s the way he wishes to be treated.  Although my instinct was to totally guard, shield and protect him from all of this, he could not have learned a better life lesson.  Sometimes people fail us but we can go on.  For the record, let me say that I do not consider his father to be a bad person.  I just thought that, much like I am, all parents are head over heals in love with their kids.  A hard lesson learned at the expense of my baby.

Lana Moline is an integral part of the Blackloveandmarriage.com writing team, freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her atLana Moline Speaks.

VIDEO: What Would You Do If Your Son Said He Feels Like A Girl?

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By Nadine Smith

Betsy and Ron, friends of mine who are also members of Equality Florida, were up north late last year visiting family when they stopped for a meal at a roadside diner. Behind their booth they could hear a woman berating her child for identifying as transgender. Betsy and Ron are also PFLAGers, and they couldn’t sit by in silence as the teenager sobbed beneath the mother’s abuse. They spoke up and engaged them both, comforting the teen and educating the mom.

 

Only then did Betsy notice a tall fellow striding her way who looked very familiar. Then she saw the cameraman. They were set up for the television show “What Would You Do?”.

So, BLAM Fam…What Would You Do?

 

Nadine Smith has been executive director of Equality Florida since its inception in 1997, and was executive director of its predecessor, the Human Rights Task Force of Florida, prior to that. She joined the organization in 1993 after serving as one of four national co-chairs on the 1993 March on Washington and taking part in the historic, first-ever meeting between LGBT leaders and a sitting U.S. president (Clinton) in the White House. She began her activism in college in 1986 and served on the founding board of the International Gay and Lesbian Youth Organization, a group that continues to be a resource for young people across the globe. Follow her on twitter: www.twitter.com/1NadineSmith

Source: Huffingtonpost

Bring Back Chores. Are Your Children Doing Enough Around The House?

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By James Druman

There was a time when the contribution children brought to a family household was essential for that family’s survival—when learning the skills it took to run a household was just as essential to the child’s survival when they grew up and moved out on their own. Times have changed, and in many ways things are easier for modern man. But there are still many ways, even if our lives are easier, that a child’s helping hand is crucial.

 

Chores are just as important as ever and too many of today’s parents are hurting their kids by letting them off “easy.” We may not be as taxed by nature these days, but we are taxed with time and the stresses of modern man, many of which are killing us all slowly. A little less stress is what we all could use, and more of our nation’s children could really use more basic life skills when they step out onto their own.

 

It’s easy, however, to just go on spoiling our children and just taking everything into our own hands. In most cases, it’s more of a case of us not wanting to deal with the trouble of teaching them when we are in a hurry and know how to get it done the best and fastest way on our own. This whole idea starts when our children are young, and we just develop a habit of doing it all ourselves until one day they are leaving the household unprepared.

 

Children derive a lot of positive benefits from helping out with chores besides just the practical knowledge. For one thing, it helps them to develop confidence, and it gives them a chance to work with other people, you, to accomplish something. They learn about respect for the wisdom of authority, the rewards of a positive review, and they develop the principles they need to be a hard worker later in life.

 

By sharing the responsibilities of running a household, you develop more cohesion in your family, and children learn to value the things most children take as given in this world of luxury we live in, especially when they have no hand in maintaining its comforts. To engage your child in the realities of life, you are better preparing them for life.

 

Start your younger children off light, but do start them off young. The simplest tasks can be delegated for getting help around the house until they’re ready for something more.

 

Children can put away their own clothes as you fold them up. They can mix a bowl of sauce while you are cooking dinner. They can set the dishes and silverware at the table. Simply pick up their toys and put them where they belong. When you start your children off young like this, you will be amazed at the thrill they get from being able to help with adult responsibilities, and it will be easier to get them doing more strenuous things as they get older, like mowing lawns or changing the oil in the car. It’s not about slave-driving; it’s about creating independence in a growing person.

 

James Druman is an author and world traveler who runs several businesses from his laptop while traveling the world. He currently offers freelance writing and a wide range of internet marketing services for offline and online businesses.