By Carmel Brulez
Being in a relationship that works and which brings you the fulfillment and enhancements to your life that you were seeking is a wonderful thing which very few people achieve. We all look for different things in a relationship and whether or not we find them often depends on how realistic we are.
Years ago I knew a lady who was approximately 70 years of age, she was no oil painting! had a lot of health problems, was not particularly educated, witty, bubbly or exciting, lived in a very small rented flat and had a lot of money problems. But she had decided that the only man she would be interested in would be one who was very young, extremely handsome, had a fast sports car, was health and fit and had a huge income. Of course, what she wanted was unrealistic and it never happened.
Those who believe they have got into a good relationship that is fulfilling and working are happy for as long as that relationship lasts. When it ends this stops, they become unhappy and maybe bitter, confused, angry and other negative feelings too. If they truly believed that the relationship was fulfilling to them then the odds are that they were wanting to stay in it and the other person ended it because they felt differently.
The initial reaction to a failed relationship is hurt but then one starts to think about things and this is where anger, resentment, confusion and sometimes revenge kicks in and takes over. Some hate the idea the relationship is over so much that they would make desperate efforts to get back with their ex, regardless of how much information and proof is telling them that it can never happen. This may be because they miss their ex or it may be because they hate being on their own or cannot cope on their own or have a lot of pride and worry about what other people think.
The best way to get over a break up is to be more philosophical about it. Instead of devaluing yourself by thinking as if you need your ex to be happy tell yourself that if your ex is stupid enough to prefer to be with someone else or alone rather than with you then your ex is not worthy of you and by ending your relationship your ex did you a favour. If your ex is not capable of realising what a good pair you make or how unhappy they would be without you then they have done you a huge favour by ending it. You do not want to be with someone who needs to be persuaded to be with you or where you are not good enough for them as you are.
Now you can enjoy being single again and getting used to many advantages that come with that role, and you can also look forward to one day meeting someone who appreciates you more and values you more so that they will not want to walk away from a relationship with you when that happens.
A relationship should not be hard work, it should be fun and enhance your life. If it is full of confusion, worry, upset, arguments, sulking or fears then the price you are paying is far too high.
Chasing after your ex and trying to persuade them to return is pointless. Either they will come back simply because it makes life easier and then change their mind again later, or they will refuse you and you will be hurt all over again. But why lower yourself to being with someone who is less keen than you are? Value yourself more. The more you value yourself the better type of partner you will get and that relationship is far more likely to be happy and to last too.
Carmel Brulez has worked as a relationship expert and life coach for many years. You can see more from her at http://www.askagonyaunt.com