I Don’t Condemn Anyone For Choosing To Divorce & I Believe No One Should Condemn Me For Making My Marriage Work
By Neysa Ellery Taylor
For the past 72 hours, I’ve been taking body shots. No, not the type of body shot that involves drinking liquor off some strangers belly. I am talking about the world of boxing and the body shots that come from having hard blows hitting you in the stomach. That is the body shot that I am referencing. Why? Because I decided to share my testimony with a nationwide audience. That’s why.
I’m not going to go into a back story here, you can google my name if you want the details or just search my name on the blog. It’s all there for you to read. And actually that is how the problem arose. I decided to share my test and resulting testimony with a large audience. And that made some people very angry and very opinionated.
But opinions are like assholes – everyone has one, right? So it’s fine. Disagree with me. I don’t mind that. As a journalist (that is my full time gig) people disagree with me all the time. I am used to that. But I must say I wasn’t prepared for the onslaught of negative energy that came from my latest autobiographical post on blackloveandmarriage.com. The most negative remarks even went as far as to call me a bad mother. That remark had me ready to “vaseline up” but instead I took a break. But now I am back and ready to address it.
Here’s the deal: As I said before I’m not the poster child for marriage or infidelity. I in no way condemn anyone for choosing to divorce just like I believe no one should condemn me for making my marriage work. I don’t know what God told you to do, just like you don’t know how He spoke to me. You can choose to discredit my encounter with God if you’d like. I don’t have to convince you of anything. You know why? He wasn’t talking to you! He was talking to me. And I listened and stepped out on faith.
I share my story not for elevation or to be put on a pedestal. I share my story because:
1. It helps me heal. Writing helps me process and move forward. Publishing means you get to come along for the ride.
2. To show that God is able to repair a marriage. Even a jacked up looks like it’s over marriage.
3. To illustrate that in the midst of trials, you can grow and change for the better. (Damascus anyone?)
4. To show that forgiveness is real. God forgives me daily (actually much more often then that – I’m kinda a hot mess) and I am trying to learn to share that forgiveness with others.
5. To give hope to others. If there is another person out there going through a trying situation and hearing the voice of God in the midst of it, I want to let them know that it’s ok to trust that voice REGARDLESS of what everyone says.
That’s it. That’s why I write and publish. Am I looking for praise? Nope. But I will gladly accept prayer.
So for all the people that disagreed (hated on) my post, sorry that I riled you up. But I am just getting started. Your angst does not change my purpose or my pen. I am trying to live my life His way. All I’m trying to hear Him say at the end of my days is “Well Done.”
Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at www.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com
The Bible says that we over come when we testify (paraphrased) and I like that you said you are being obedient to His voice. We need to learn to respect others decisions and pray instead of hurling judging words that one day may define where they are. It may have seemed ridiculous for God to ask Hosea to take a prostitute for a wife but the relationship had purpose in God’s eyes. If God called her to stay there then He will make provision for her and her children in the midst of that situation . He is that good, He is that awesome, He is that reliable that He will make a way in what seems to others an impossible situation. I’m excited at the unknown of God and make sure you post the praise reports that come as a result of your obedience to God.
I can say this I have nothing negative to say to you or your marriage and those people that had something negative to say they never been I your shoes or walked in them because they don’t fit. I’m a newlywed and only been married for 6 months. We as women will say what we will and won’t do. We as women say what we will or won’t tolerate until it happens to us. We can’t throw stones when our houses could be mad of glass. If you love your family and you’re doing the best you can do to save your marriage and you have forgiven your husband then hold your head up high and keep it pushing. I can say we all fall short of his glory and we are no where near perfect. So I say to you fight until you feel your fight is not necessary. Good luck
Please continue to trust in God and know that you will be fine.
Thank You for your story as mine is very simular and I feel GOD is using this as my ministry.We are still rebuilding and fight everyday for our marriage to continue to grow.I'm not a professional writter/author but GOD has spoken to me as well and told me to stay and HE(GOD) will take care of it all just be faithful to HIM(GOD) as I said in another post marriage vowels are made between 3 entities***GOD,HUSBAND&WIFE …keep at your marriage and I plan to do until GOD says different just make sure its HIS(GOD's) voice and not the haters or mislead in your ear PRAY for me and my marriage as I PRAY for you and your marriage
feel free to contact me privately as we can continue to support eachother !!!!!GOD BLESS!!!!
God bless you for sharing your story and being a good listener to our heavenly father. I too, am in a situation as yours and you have helped me. I do appreciate that reading. Others are not understanding how you could be still married because they are not in your shoes, and that’s okay too. Thamk you again for sharing.
I applaud you and want to tell you to keep it up. This is your marriage, and as long as you're happy and God spoke to YOU, that's all we can ask for. God bless you.
My recent post Time to Start Juicing
See this is what it looks like to strive!!! Thanks for sharing and keep on keeping on girl! God bless!
I just got this email from BLAM, and all I can say right now is THANK YOU! I’m in the midst of my own marital test and it seems like its all .getting worse. But I said “til death do us part”. Even though sometimes I could swear I’m dying inside… Heart splitting down the center and tears flowing nonstop I said I wont be the reason… I can’t quit. I’m 28 years old and have been married for 6 years….. Tonight I was about to do something that would have knocked me way down from the progress I have already made for myself, then I read this article and am strengthened. A lot of women in my generation don’t see marriage the way I was taught it should be. I’m just looking for some reassurance that I am doing what God has also instructed me to do. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing… you are so right …your testimony can and will help someone else.
Neysa, Keep Doing What God says…this is ministry that reaches those who wont say they are going through this particular type of situation, this is real and it happens more so , than not. No one knows what they can deal with until faced with a life changing trial, everyone says "I wouldn't put up with that" until it happens to you, and if you have truly experienced the POWER of God, then you know HIS WILL, will be done, no matter what YOU do. Keep on doing what you do, you are my theraphy and I love you for sharing!! I Know God will keep you from the daggers that are being thrown!!
Girl, we as black people, can be sooo negative and petty. For real… If you don't have nothing nice to say …. Dont read the articles…. Neysa, I bet the main people complain got way more issues then you could ever imagine… So lets send some prayers up for the haters and pray that God cast out whatever evil is within them….. But please continue your journey in writing because some of us appreciate your strength and courage!!!! God bless….
We as black people need to also realize that we shouldn't risk our health and well being for the plight of black marriages.
There is nothing hateful about what is being said- the author is clearly laden with a low sense of self worth and spinning it onto readers as strength. That's the same excuse abused women give others as to why they stay: they want to stay to keep the "family" together in the face of a man cheating on them. We would tell a single woman with a cheating husband to at least leave because of the risk of catching a disease-why not a married woman? I'm sorry, will marriage now save you from a disease? No it will not.
Her daughters/sons will probably learn more about being a doormat than they will about respecting themselves and demanding the same from their partners.
Interesting point but for the fact that the vows did say "for better and for worse" not "for better and well I'm out here when it get's rough." It's time that all married people take another look at the vows that they signed up for and stop listening to single folks who are jilted and bitter because they don't understand the difference between a relationship and marriage. There are no vows made in a relationship that tells you coming in the door that this may not be all roses but we are in this for the long haul. However it is in a marriage. You know coming in the door that this is a life long investment that has to be cultivated. It's not some relationship that doesn't have rules. I guess that's the problem. Folks in relationships want to apply some marital rules but are not willing to go the distance. You can't understand her shoes unless you have made a choice to walk in them. I could go on and on about this topic because I believe that "Marriage Rocks" and it takes work but it is well worth it in the end to the only two people that matter. go figure. interesting discussion.
This is not a "I cheated once and she got pregnant" situation. HER HUSBAND HAS CHEATED ON HER FOR YEARS AND STILL IS, I'M SURE. Neysa lays down and takes it as she bitches and moans at her husband for his past transgressions! I know that marriages are for the long haul- but so is the damage they are putting on the children and each other by faking this "holy" institution of marriage. This is an awful example of what I would want or expect for my daughter. And if this author is so strong, then she woul not want to subject her daughters living a lie as she is.
Dear Author, you are one strong woman. I can’t say for myself that I would stay in that situation. People make mistakes, but that’s a mistake that I can’t tolerate. Life is difficult enough, and to add children to that kind of family, that way, I can’t see myself dealing with. It’s not right to have time divided between two families, and make it seem fair to all involved. What hard work that is. But for anybody in a situation like this I wish you many blessings. I can’t say for a fact that I could be understanding. And if I Ws the one who cheated and got pregnant, then I’ll have to eat the words of my last sentence and expect for my husband not to stay. I don’t ask anything of anyone that I will not do in return.
To the author again: I wish the best outcome for your family. I really do hope it works out because that’s a tough situation to be in.
Neysa, honey, keep your head up and do what God told you to do. People are going to have something to say either way or the other. It is easier for people to be negative which says more about them. I pray that God will give you what you need in Jesus' name. Doing things His way isn't always easy but gratifying in the end. Hang in there.
I don't condemn you. I salute you. You are an incredibly forgiving person to continue to work on your marriage despite your husband's infidelity and the very physical manifestations of that infidelity. I recently watched Unfaitful on Own and heard the testimony of a white pastor whose white wife cheated on him with a black man. She became pregnant and the pastor knew it was not his because he had had a vasectomy after their hird child. The pastor not only told his wife that he would keep the child and raise it as his own, he also gave the biracial son his own full name so that the biracial child is a junior. What love? What compassion? The wife is so thankful for her husband's grace and forgiveness. The two are happier than they ever have been. I cried like a baby. How touching is that. Till death do us part does not mean till you f*** up. Marriage is a struggle and as long as both parties are willing to work and struggle together for a better marriage, divorce should not be an option. God bless you today and every day.
do you…you are the only one that has to live with you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week…If this is God's will for your life, He will see through…And even if it isn't, He will still see you through…
My recent post Re-Virgins Get No Love…
I applaud you for allowing God to use you in such a way…even though it's tough! People judge what they cannot understand and what they do not have enough strength to tolerate. I can totally understand wanting to lash back and set the record straight in today's post, but I think that the life you're leading and the examples you're setting for your children and for the institution of marriage speak volumes enough on their own. People are always going to judge, be negative, what have you…but, I encourage you to stay strong in your commitment to your marriage and to your life.
I appreciate you sharing your test and tesimony. While I'm not in your shoes and cannot say what I would have done in that situation, I appluad you for being open and honest. Thank you for being an encouragment to others who may be in different yet equally stressful and trying situations. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
Wow, just read Part 1. Don't know what to say. The Author has gotten an earful already so I'm not about to go there. That's tough to go public with that. Don't know if I would have because people are very judgmental. Don't know if I would have been so forgiving either… I wish them the best with that situation.
This was a silly article and childish vent. You brought no substance to this article but a lot of whining and you really should have some thicker skin…SMH. The title of this article should be “Stop Picking on Me everybody” because it was a waste of my time to click on this article to read about how you felt about what strangers didn’t like about your articles.
I agree. If you don't want opinions; good or bad, keep your story to yourself.
I agree, as a writer, if you can’t take the good with the bad then “hush”. Don’t expect a pat on the back from everybody. And for the record just cuz someone doesn’t agree with you doesn’t make them a hater. The one you should be mad at is your husband who wronged you. These bloggers, whom you don’t know, have done nothing to you. If you’re as happy as you claim to be then be just that and focus on the positive. Seeking sympathy is not going to get it my dear. People’s opinions are not going to change because you decide to lash out at them.
Exactly. If you are so happy with your decision then why does it bother you? Yes, opinions are like assholes and everyone has one but the truth hurts which spawned this post.
Frankly, I am offended you would even put forth your story as an example of a woman who decides to "work on her marriage". This is nothing more than a veiled attempt to validate your low self-esteem and inability to really be strong and be an example to other women of strength.
At the end of the day, your decision to cheat is yours, however, your decision also shows that you are willing to stick it through with a man who has a wanton disregard for your health. HIV/AIDS much? STDs? So you see, some of us are seeing the bigger picture: health consequences and the truth around what example it sets for those not old enough to discern the realities if the decisions you've made. I see women like you all the time and their now adult children, you're deluded into thinking this is a pillar of strength and it's exactly the opposite.
The bible doesn't require any woman to stick through infidelity, especially one as wreck less as this one where children are now in the picture.
You sound sour and most see through it but decide to rub your belly and bring your warm milk. The rest of us are keeping it real. Posts like this confuse women in abusive relationships making them think it's OK not to stand up for what they really need- self respect. You have none, go find some.
correction…..**your decision to *stay* is yours…
True, Annie. And, again, ppl aren’t going to change their minds just because of her warped thinking. She’s not fooling anybody with this ACT she’s putting on and all these other suckers who say they’re happy she wrote this article because they are going through the same thing are just validating their low self esteem as well. I always say be careful not to make a man your God. There is only one and it aint the one you’re sleeping with!
Wow I have to say it never stops!!! you took the time to read her story then tell her it was a waste of your time!!! seems like she's not the childish one you are!! I pray you never find yourself having to decided to let go of your marriage or stay, be so careful how you say things, My God hears all and sees all and ONLY HE can judge!!
I came across this post and although I am not aware of your previous posts, I congratulate you on endeavoring to make your marriage work. In a microwave society, there are far too many who view divorce as a quick exit option and it's unfortunate. Continue to seek as God leads, because HE is the Creator of marriage (and that's what people tend to forget). "What God joins together, let no man put asunder."
As a side note, I saw that you accept prayer- I strongly suggest that you pray protection and covering over the prayer of others as well. I always caution people that you never know what people pray for you! Be blessed and stay blessed 🙂