Is This The Right Relationship For Me?

By Danielle B. Grossman, MFT

We make ourselves crazy trying to figure it out. We look for signs and ask psychics. We go over it again and again in conversations with ourselves and with our friends: “Is this the right relationship for me?”

Or we avoid thinking about it at all, and just go along with the other person’s agenda, only to find ourselves feeling stuck and dissatisfied in relationships that don’t fit us, go on too long, or end badly.

I wish I had a magic crystal ball to guide you, but I don’t.

Decisions about continuing or ending a relationship are not easy. There are extremely complicating factors in our relationships, such as love, attraction, children, money and extended family.

Four questions, however, can help guide you. Ask yourself:

1. Most of the time, do I feel stronger or weaker when I think about my partner?


Check out your physical, mental and emotional energy, your mental energy. Is this person mostly strengthening you, or mostly depleting you?

2. Most of the time, do I feel stronger or weaker when I share time and space with my partner?

How do you feel when you hear your partner walk up the steps to your home? How do you feel when you are sitting in the car together? How do you feel when you are in a group of people? Again, check out your overall energy level. Do you feel stronger, or depleted?

3. Overall, does the energy and time that I invest in the relationship make it stronger and more stable?

Often we can work on our relationships to try to shift them into being more strengthening and less depleting. The question is, does that work seem to actually pay off?

4. Given the reality of this relationship, pros and cons, am I done searching for something better?

You never really know if there is something better — there’s always a chance that there is. So, the question is, are you done looking? Some people are done in their 20s; some are never done. Just try to be honest with yourself and your partner.

And try to be patient as you try to figure it all out. No one gave you a magic crystal ball, either.


6 replies
  1. Elle
    Elle says:

    I made my man the one the first time I saw him and he has been the one every since. It may not work out for everybody like me but at least you are learning how to make a relationship work and it will eventually happen. Practice makes perfect. Practice making the decision. Making decisions leads to making good decisions.
    My recent post HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE IN LOVE?

  2. Elle
    Elle says:

    4 is an excellent question. I think this is the only question that you would need to ask yourself. U r correct other bigger, better, prettier, richer, more powerful, and etc. will come along but as long as you are not looking or searching you have a stable relationship. And as long as you are not looking those better things that come along wont look better to you, they won’t be attractive or appealing to you. They cannot even be a temptation to either partner.

    That’s why I always tell folk to make a decision about who we are dating. Instead we are doing questions 1 & 2 while dating. Going nowhere and getting nothing accomplished while dating cause nobody ever makes the decision to make this person the one.

    My recent post HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE IN LOVE?

  3. Elle
    Elle says:

    I’m looking for something to agree with u on but have found nothing thus far. What you are asking are good things to be doing and have going on in a relationship. But you make it seem as if it were bad. These things going on mean that you are in love and have something real going on.

    Question 3 seems different. I like it. It puts a spin of reality on things. Some things need to be removed or you need to be depleted of. My man was walking around like he was perfect. I weakened that nature and removed that spirit from him. I don’t feel bad about it at all & neither does he looks at it like it was a bad thing. He’s thankful cause if he didn’t loose it he thought he would have lost me. He didn’t like living with the thought. Being perfect wasn’t as important as being with me. Yes the work paid off. I’ll make him weak again if I have to.

    My recent post HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE IN LOVE?

  4. Elle
    Elle says:

    question 1 is not a good question 4 me. it would have me chasing my tail keeping me in the same frustrated state. feeling stronger or weaker is a matter of what role i would play in the relationship. when i feel strong i’m doing my thing, when i’m weak i’m hiding in him or taking a rest, or out of the way. you know?

    Same thing with question 2. it is natural to feel strong and weak with your partner. Somebody has to bow, somebody has to compromise some body has to be #2 and sometimes, if you know how, you can be the one at the same time. But who knows how to do that with the standards that we keep up in relationships. Sometimes it helps to be weak for your partner sometimes it helps to be strong for your partner. Sometimes your partner has to make you weak cause something in your strength was affecting him/her the wrong way and they had to take care of it. your logic is all wrong.

    My recent post HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE IN LOVE?

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