By Ilex Bien-Aime
I have a lot of female friends. When you have friends of the opposite sex , you tend to hear a lot of things. Women are truly from another planet – not trying to be disrespectful- I am just saying we see things differently. It amazes me how most men understand a situation in a certain way and at the same time most women see the exact situation in a totally different light.
A prime example of this point is when a man and a woman first meet. They may go out on a date and eventually they start asking normal date questions. One of those questions usually pertains to the future dating intentions of the other. “What are you looking for in a relationship right now?” is a big question. And if a man is semi decent, he will tell you that he is not looking for anything serious, if he in fact is not. I am not saying that you should ask for the check right then, but if you want something more, you probably shouldn’t see him again.
When you are younger, this probably does not matter as much. You may not be looking for the man of your dreams at that point. In this case, I say date around and find what you want . And I didn’t say “sleep around”, so please understand the difference. Usually women start to think of marriage and families before men do. When a women is finally ready to get married and start a family, she no longer sees it fit to waste time (or at least you wouldn’t think so).
Men, for the most part, see dating in a different light. Because of society and because of our own foolish nature we have the fear of commitment. We spend most of our early adult years fantasizing about the women we hoped to have had and about the women we mistakenly believe we are going to get. We are stuck on the thought that marriage means sleeping with one woman until the day we die. So we usually hold out on marriage until we are sure -which tends to be after several years and after several women.
Odds are many women catch a man at a time when he is truly not looking for anything serious. When a man says this, ladies please take him at his word. Do you know how many times I have heard women say, “he is a dog” and “he lead me on”? He did not lie to you. Didn’t he tell you that he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship? Wasn’t he honest with you from the very beginning?
When a man says that he is not looking for anything serious, he is saying that he wants to hang out with no responsibility and with no guilt attached to seeing you. If another girl calls you can’t get upset. If your girls see him out with someone else you shouldn’t be angry. He is not promising you anything except maybe a nice dinner and a few laughs each time you go out. However, the mistake is made when you decide to let the situation become physical.
Casual relationships are never a good idea, especially when you know that you want more. I think one of the biggest mistakes that a woman can make is thinking that she can change a man’s mind. Trust me, it will not work! Yes in some rare cases a man has gone from being on the fence about a relationship to falling head over heels for a casual acquaintance however ladies, are you willing to take that chance with your heart and emotions?
I’ve had women tell me that they meet a guy and casually date. The guy lets them know up front that he is not looking for anything serious. A little time passes and they start to hang out more often. In my friends’ minds they feel as if the relationship is starting to become more serious. Some are afraid to ask what the guy is thinking but they hope by this increased dating frequency that this means he is finally changing his mind and now wants to take her seriously.
Please listen to my urgent warning! A man can show you all the “signs” of being interested in settling down with you. Unless he tells you this, PLEASE DO NOT ASSUME THAT THIS IS THE CASE! Sure he loves hanging with you and sure you may be the type of woman that he may eventually want but until he decides that he wants you to be his forever, you should stay clear of him. As I always say, men are Vultures. We love the opportunity that presents itself in these situations. It’s like having the benefits of a relationship but without having an actual girlfriend. It’s freelance dating at its best.
Men believe that by telling you that they are not interested in a serious relationship, this gives them the ability to do as they please. This is his way of protecting himself from being called a dog or whatever names women call men. He believes that he is justified because it is a fact that he is not lying to you. So instead of him lying to you, you begin to lie to yourself. You start off saying “ok, I will just hang with him and although I want more, I will not rock the boat”. Then it becomes “ok now I am having feelings for him and he seems to want more, eventually he will settle”. Either way you look at it, he warned you about where he was and you ignored him. You even ignored yourself. Dating is complicated but we tend to complicate it even more with our foolish mistakes. I say dating will become that much easier for you ladies when you realize that no means no!
My name is Ilex Bien-Aime and I live in Washington, DC with my lovely wife. I write as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. I write as a man who wants to give my future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly I write what I write because my female friends are always asking my opinion about these situations.