Pride Prevented Me From Telling My Wife I Love Her. Pride Ruined My Relationship.
Hello, just wanted to say first off that your blog keeps me inspired and is very informative. I see people really blog about real life and lay it all out on the table. The one about needing to focus on me instead of my wife’s faults struck a nerve. I am dealing with the negative results of that situation. So much that I was actually putting my feelings on paper. It started out as a vent to myself, but then I thought what if I sent it to you guys because I cannot make sense of my situation at this point. I am no blogger, writer, or journalist. I am just someone who is going through a tough tribulation in my marriage right now. I am in no way looking for any notariaty; You don’t even have to post this to your blog, but maybe shoot me a response personally. It would be good to probably get opinions from other men and women who went through the same thing. You don’t know me unlike the people who deal with me so maybe I could get a more unbiased opinion. I’ve attached it… Thanks for your time.
My thought right now is “Who am I fooling?”. She said it’s over between us. Or at least this is what it feels like. I’ve gotten off track before but how did I get this far off track? A good friend told me yesterday it was nothing but PRIDE that I allowed to ruin it. PRIDE wouldn’t let me forgive her. PRIDE stopped me from telling her how much she meant to me. I’m saying it now but it seems as if it may be too late so she seems not to be buying it. PRIDE prevented me from what was in front of me rather go off assumptions and accusations. PRIDE stopped me from telling her I loved her every day. PRIDE is the reason I kept throwing it in her face that I was tired and I wanted out. I wish she knew that wasn’t how I really felt. I was frustrated but didn’t know how to say it. I did tell her after the fact but it was too late. My communication skills are horrible when it comes to us. Maybe it was something passed down. I don’t want to make excuses because I am a grown man. We’ve survived almost 14 years so there must’ve been some time where I did all the right things. PRIDE made me shut down and not speak to anyone about how I felt other than show disdain for her; I probably could’ve gotten some good pointers on how to handle this situation. Instead I’m sitting here feeling defeated trying not to wear my emotions on my face while working. She does have me quite confused because after going back and reading text messages a few days after she told she wanted a divorce, she was clearly disappointed that it seemed that I had given up but claim to want to make things right. She also said my reaction was helping her decision, but she really didn’t want to end our marriage. Me being stubborn, I went straight to the couch, took my ring off, gave her the silent treatment like it was her fault. She asked why did I take off my ring, literally begged me sleep in our bed, and told me I didn’t have to leave just yet. Speaking of faults, she admitted hers to the fullest and even commended me for putting up with what she put me through (it was more than the average person would put up with. She cheated, I chose to stay). Yet in the end, she wants to leave me. Or does she? Does she just want me to step it up or is she really done? In the last few days, I’ve tried to go back and start doing those little things but it feels like it’s too little too late. I send the sweet texts and get no response, tell her I love her and get no answer, we do talk especially about the kids (14, 10, 6). She even went as far as getting a second job so she could make her ends meet when she know she doesn’t even have to work at all because I make more than enough. She says she doesn’t want my money, just take care of my children. Is she really done or am I just allowing PRIDE to let me see what it wants me to? Our 9th wedding anniversary is next week, and there has been no mention of it. I’m really in bad shape right now, but I have heard that a love that is never tested cannot be trusted…
This has been a very turbulent ride thus far! Yes I have forgiven her; went through the depressed stage. Even found someone else who made me smile! She hates it because the moment I forgave her and chose to move on, her feelings changed. It almost has felt like a game of chess playing going on here, or is this real? I will tell you that we went to go for our divorce last month…judge didn't grant it! We're still both now at the point (some 6 months after writing this, and 15 years into what's left of our relationship), if this is what we are supposed to do. There has been no mention of divorce since the day we were rejected. God, are you working????
The author of this piece…
I could have wrote your post. i am a woman he cheated and at the core i know that I haven’t forgiven him. my situation is so muddy. I hope that you are able to truly forgive and release the pride.
I have…The bad part is that we are still separated, but I have somewhat came out of my depression and have gotten my confidence (SWAG) back. Other women smell that swag, and it has been a beast! I still have not cheated but love the attention after 15 years of being with the same person faithfully. I'm in a weird place right now. As much as I love my wife and would give anything to to have her back the RIGHT way (emphasis on RIGHT), I just don't trust her at all…
I agree with the guest who commented; you have to forgive her. Completely. Not just for her, but for you. Not just for you, but for her. Forgive her if you want your marriage to survive. Seek counseling if you are both in it for the long run. And also think about why you're feeling how you're feeling and talk to her about it. Silence can definitely hurt a relationship.
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i feel that after she cheated you chose to stay but never really forgave her. you need to work out true forgiveness in your heart then go to her and express that forgiveness. she senses that you are still holding it over her head so to her it is unbearable to live with you despising her for it. you had every right to be angry at the time but to stay with her means you have forgiven her and now you must put it in the past. take some time to write down all the things you love about her and i will wager they far outweigh that one incident. take that list and write her a letter or better yet go to her and tell her WHY you love her. at this point it is useless to just say "i love you". you need to put every ounce of energy you have into CHASING her like you just met her and she is the only woman in the world. only then will her heart soften enough to stay. that is why she keeps giving you opportunity but you are not following your instincts to give a full chase.
Pride can be a silent-killer to so many things. It does in more marriages than we like to admit. At the beginning of our 11 year marriage I told my husband it was one of my issues. Thankfully he did and continues to work through it with me. Putting your feelings out there regardless of how vulnerable it makes you feel is key even though it is HARD to do.
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I mus also admit that my relationship to my husband today is getting weird. This is because of my PRIDE. I can never express my feelings to him even in a simple way. That is why I think that our relationship would end as soon as possible.
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