The Foundation Of My Relationship Has Too Many Cracks!

Viewer Letter: Hi, first of all, I’ve watched and read alot of the information you provide on your websites and Facebook and I find it so helpful. Thanks for all you’re doing. I’m in a relationship that I’ve been in for over 15 years. We have an 11 year old daughter together. I’m embarrassed to say this, but we’re not married. We’ve talked about getting married, but neither one of us has taken any serious measures to pursue towards marriage. He has not put a ring on it. All he tells me is I’ve never acted like I want to be married.

There has been alot of hurt on both our parts in this relationship. But also alot of good has come out of it as well. Having our daughter together and raising her. When I say there’s been alot of hurt, I mean he’s cheated and so have I. The only difference is that I was honest with what I’ve done. I’ve caught him in so many lies and he has never apologized. He’s never acknowledged what he has done. So, I have some resentment and distrust towards him still. Whenever there is an issue that needs to be confronted and discussed, he shuts down, he will walk away, says he doesn’t want to talk about it. This is very frustrating. I tell him if we were to get married, there are going to be issues sometimes and it’s not going to always be perfect, that he needs to be open and honest with me. There are alot of things I didn’t put my foot down about and I’ve let him get away with.  I do admit that sometimes I can be hard to talk and I don’t always listen to him. Sometimes I feel like if we haven’t gotten married by now, why even bother and just go our separate ways. But I want to show our daughter how a loving relationship should be and be a good example for her.

There is a big age difference between us also. He’s 58 and I’m 41. I’ve stayed with him this long because I do love him and in spite of all we’ve been through, he’s always been a good listener, good motivator, he’s not jealous and supports and pushes me to pursue all my dreams.  Me on the other hand, I’m not as supportive, I’m nagging, I throw the past back up in his face. So he shuts down and sometimes we don’t talk for days. Another big issue is that in March of this year, we ended up losing our condo  and financially did not prepare for it and had nothing to fall back on. So,  he’s staying with his mom. Me and our daughter are with my mom. I’m not working, looking for a job and he’s receiving retirement right now and we’re trying to save what we can from that to be able to put a down payment down on a place  until I find another steady job. Our ultimate goal is to start some internet marketing businesses together. I’m thankful for my mom, but there’s nothing like having your own. I beat myself up alot for not preparing before we left our other place. But I only see it as God wanted us to work on some things before we move in together again. I really don’t even want to move back in with him if we’re not married.

Bur I’m also concerned because being split like this makes it easier to cheat again. On his part, I’m not interested in that right now. My focus is getting back on feet to be able to provide the best for our child. I say I’m concerned because we don’t go out as much and are not as intimate, affectionate with one another.

He says he feels this transition has brought us closer, but I don’t feel that way. I often think about with us being split, that this will cause him to freely talk with other women and seek affection elsewhere because we’re not together often. Just not sure which direction I should go right now and very frustrated. I place alot of blame on him, but I know it’s just as much me as well. Any advice you can give, will be greatly appreciated. Thank you

BLAM Fam what are your thoughts?

4 replies
  1. Kamira G
    Kamira G says:

    Sounds like they both need to grow up and realize no trust = no relationship. Poor communication and issues are not the foundation for a marriage. Work on yourself and get your life together. Maybe this separation is exactly where you are meant to be. Start over.

  2. bad ass red
    bad ass red says:

    I just had a question that I don't know how I should feel about. I've been married for 3 years and me and my husband have children from previous marriages. Question is my husband wants to take his daughter on a trip just them not me, for when she is about to leave for college. I was very put off, now Ii don't know how to feel.

  3. loucardinals
    loucardinals says:

    Probably the best thing to do is to have a talk with your husband about his taking his daughter on a trip with just the two of them. Let him know your feelings about it. And also get his viewpoint of the matter to see where he's coming from. Then from there hopefully you'll have a clearer understanding of the situation.

  4. sotoon
    sotoon says:

    "make a decision"… that spoke to me. Thanks for yet another great video. y'all always bless me.

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