Why Do I Blame Myself For The Abuse?
Domestic violence is serious. Unfortunately people who are being abused either minimize the reality of abuse or ignore it all together. In this video we attempt to lift up a domestic violence survivor’s inherent worth and offer suggestions on what to do if you are in an abusive relationship. If you see yourself in this situation…GET HELP. If you know someone or have an inkling that someone is dealing with this issue please forward them this video. Nobody is being helped if we all stay silent.
This video was prompted by a letter we received from a young lady who is in an abusive situation and is blaming herself for the abuse. Our prayer is that she receives what we have to say. For all those who watch this and realize these words apply to you too—nothing happens on accident. Our belief is that you are watching this right now for a reason. Get out! Get out! Get out!
If you find yourself in a situation where Domestic Violence is occurring—get help. Reach out. You can start by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Aiyana Ma’at, MSW, LCSW-C is a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist. However, the advice given here does not substitute for advice given by a licensed clinician in your state.
Reach Out. Get Out. Stop Playing. Start Pushing.
More importantly, you teach people how to treat you. The first time you let something slide is the introduction to “it’s okay to treat me that way” You have to set the standard. So, in the meantime, you should be working on you becoming healthy and whole. Once you do that, you will automatically reject situations that are not good for you. As women, we tend embrace that we shouldn’t be vocal and just be accommodating. As a woman, you should never have to suffer in silence at the hand of an abuser. It eats at your soul. You are valuable, loveable, and worthy of that is good. When you truly believe those things about yourself, you won’t begin to blame yourself for another person’s lack of self-worth, control, etc. When a person abuses another, it speaks more about them than it does you. I too would recommend that you focus on you. Dating would just be a diversion to the soul work you have to do on yourself.
It is paramount to understand that you are never responsible for another person’s actions. Regardless of how dysfunctional a relationship may be or what made a situation ripe for abusive violations, individuals are still responsible for their own actions. To the young lady that prompted this discussion. One day, it just dawned on me that I was the common denominator in the relationships where I found myself abused or misused. I learned the signs and I had to ask myself why. What was it about me that attracted these guys?
More importantly, you teach people how to treat you. The first time you let something slide is the introduction to “it’s okay to treat me that way” You have to set the standard. So, in the meantime, you should be working on you becoming healthy and whole. Once you do that, you will automatically reject situations that are not good for you. As women, we tend embrace that we shouldn’t be vocal and just be accommodating. As a woman, you should never have to suffer in silence at the hand of an abuser. It eats at your soul. You are valuable, loveable, and worthy of that is good. When you truly believe those things about yourself, you won’t begin to blame yourself for another person’s lack of self-worth, control, etc. When a person abuses another, it speaks more about them than it does you. I too would recommend that you focus on you. Dating would just be a diversion to the soul work you have to do on yourself.
My comment was too long for one posting and then I posted it in the wrong order. (smile) I re-posted in the correct order below.
All the points you made apply to any kind of abuse, including emotional abuse. I had blinded myself to this illusion of happiness in my marriage, when in actuality, I was being emotionally abused and used daily. I allowed it to happen because I felt like, "I married him, so we have to make this work." I also took a lot of his insults, yelling and screaming because I thought, "It will get better. I just have to affirm him more."
Meanwhile, I was the classic profile of someone being abused…economically disenfranchised, not allowed to make decisions for myself, distanced from my family, told I was crazy, and it just kept getting worse and worse. The harder I tried to please, the worse it got.
You're right, Aiyana…there is something missing within a person if they allow that pattern to continually perpetuate itself. I woke up from the fantasy that things were going to get better and pushed forward to find in myself the light I'd hidden for the years I was married.
Thank you for your transparency Harriet. I pray that your words will help someone else heal.
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This is a serious topic. I thank you guys for touching on it. My sister is in an abusive relationship. Her self esteem has been damaged because of it.