A Sista With Trust Issues…A Page Out Of The Diary Of Aiyana Ma’at

By Aiyana Ma’at

Came across this entry in my journal today. It made me smile. Ayize and I have come a long way. We still have issues. I have come a long way. And, I still have issues. But, I’m so proud of us and myself. Smiling right now as I type. A little clue as to why looking back at this journal entry brings me so much joy….I’ve had serious trust issues with men (and with people in general) a lot of my life. I used to be the person who let NO ONE in. My guard use to be up all the time even after we were married. I just didn’t realize it. You don’t realize how you instinctively still try to protect yourself from imagined hurt or pain until you truly let go and give your heart to someone. Hope this brings a smile to you today… It sure did bring deep gratitude to my heart. I’m growing and I can SEE myself as I unfold! Awesome…

A Page Out Of The Diary Of Aiyana Ma’at…

February 17, 2011

Today my hubby & I went to get something to eat and ate in the park and I really enjoyed it. I love him so much. I love just being next to him. I love how he looks. He comforts my heart. He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel good. He’s like a limb. Ha! Ha! Ayize is like a limb! 🙂 He’s so essential to my being. While I accept that and I love that there is also a part of me that doesn’t like that. I shouldn’t be so dependent on someone else. My heart is his and it seems too much. Yet, I love it and I want it. God I love him! He’s so good to me. How did I get so lucky? Why does he love me so much? Sometimes, I feel like he’s too good for me. But, that’s probably my self-esteem issues rising. I hope I make him feel half as good as he makes me feel…

To my sisters out there who find themselves in “feeling” this, just know trust takes time but it’s the most beautiful feeling ever when you finally have it! Take a risk, baby steps, and free yourself to fully love and be loved. In 2012, make TRUE TRUST your resolution.

5 replies
  1. Jasmine B
    Jasmine B says:

    Thank you for opening up to us,I can relate.

  2. introspektd123
    introspektd123 says:

    Peace indeed sis. This is real. Thank you for sharing.

  3. Ayize
    Ayize says:

    Indeed we have come along way Queen……I heard someone say a long time ago that you've gotta be tested to have a testimony. I love you baby.
    My recent post When I Became A Man

  4. Sassy Sis
    Sassy Sis says:

    Thank you for sharing this…I liked seeing how you spoke of the depth of your connection and shined a light on how it's scary being so connected. Beautiful

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