Can I Trust My Wife? My Intuition Is Telling Me To Dig Deeper…What Should I Do?
By Team BLAM
VIEWER LETTER: I’ve been married for 11 yrs this week to a special person who has been there for me in the past. Recently, my wife had admitted to having cheated on me. We went to counseling after I presented divorce papers and forgave her to try to save our marriage. I listened to the things that she said I needed to correct and I did change into a better man. Things were going great. There was more intimacy, romance and attention. I lose 55lbs, got lasix, got new stylish wardrobe and cleaned up nice. I had started to really trust her and felt secure again. New years eve was so special, getting dressed up and partying on a midnight cruise. After the cruise, we stayed in a suite laid out with candle and roses. Our world could not have been any more blissful. Then the next day I get a call telling me that another man (suppose to be her best friend) had introduced my wife as his girlfriend. So I ask my wife when can I meet her best friend, lets go out for wings and drinks on me. I would like to know why would he do this to his friend. I felt comfortable before but now I think there may be something more to their relationship. It has been 4 days and my wife still haven’t been able to reach him to clear her name. I haven’t accused my wife of anything but finds it hard to believe that his phone is off and nobody knows where he is. My intuition is telling me to dig deeper to get the truth. When my wife felt I was spending time with a female friend, I took her to meet over wings and drinks to show that she was into our successful reconciliation. But her friend can’t do the same. I need to know what should I do?
BLAM Fam: These are real questions from real people. Please weigh in and provide this husband with your take on this. #EachOneTeachOne
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This guy was definitely (heart)broken by his wife's previous indiscretions. It truly takes a long to time to rebuild solid trust & that confidence in her commitment to him basically has to be re-earned. Men are usually totally confident in their wife's commitment because they have seen or known their women to flatly turn-down willing suitors in the past. When she admits to have cheated – it was probably behind the guy's back – he probably never saw it coming. He probably didn't know she was so unhappy with him that she seriously considered seeing other people, but to do it while married was a complete betrayal. This sets up that possibility that his wife could still be hiding other secrets because that's what she did to cheat on him in the first place.
Whatever the case, the best way to mend the relationship is to be open to listen to whatever question or concern they have for themselves – nothing is off-limits because in re-building trust they first have to learn to be honest about their feelings and thoughts towards the other. If they can't sit & talk about raw emotions & feelings as a married couple – hiding their true reactions in order to keep the peace – it'll be hard to ever heal their friendship/relationship/marriage.
I agree with the above posters that it doesn't look good. I do wish there was an update. I
how can married people be talking of best friends of the opposite sex. it does not make sense. if you need a 'best friend' aside from your spouse, let it be sm1 of the same sex. 1 thing always leads to another. your best friend should be your partner. period.
If your mate has a best friend that you don’t know about then that’s a concern. At the end of the day my dude its really about what are you going to do. Cheating (if she’s doing it) is just an effect of some deeper cause. Her and ol boy can get their story together and put it to you how you need to hear it. If you’re going to dig deeper figure out what’s really good with her because the effects can change but the cause usually doesn’t.
No relationship is strong enough for a person of the opposite sex to hold the space of best friend. That space should only be reserved for your spouse. If you fill that space with another from the opposite or even a friend from the same sex, you are taking away from your spouse. It seems that you are both guilty of this.
Don't host wings and beer for snakes that are taking your place. Get them out of your marriage.
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I truly hope she is not cheating on him "again." I dont think I could take someone cheating on me twice, especially after I have given that person another chance. Obviously there are some issues going on between them why she feels that she has to step outside of the relationship (that's if she really is cheating on him), maybe she doesn't want to be married. If that is the case she needs to do the right thing and be honest.
I am surprised that only one other poster honed in on all these changes–physical changes you had to make. I too want to know what she planned on changing after she got thru w/ letting you know. I don’t believe one should be pressured to change their exterior. Nor should it even come up in discussing a cheating spouse. The two are not related. You can change any and everything and still end up in the same situation bc the issue doesn’t lie with you. Long story short, trust your gut. You already know what this is–its time to address it–again.
Sorry for the small typing errors. I’m using the mobile phone. 🙂
A covenant marriage is viewed as one in which the husband and wife keep a promise to God and each other to intentionally love each other and stick together. This involves staying together through “thick and thin”, “for better or worse”, etc. I’m 27 years old and have come close to divorce before. No one cheated but it was more of letting failed expectations get the best of us. My husband wanted out. After struggling with this in my mind, I came to this conclusion: I made a promise to God and my husband to never let go and fight until the absolute end…til natural death do us part. My husband decided that he was going to stay with me because of that covenant we made together. Much prayer and me continuing to show love to my husband unconfitionally were what changed his mind to stay with me. Go in prayer, in a quiet space where naysayers (negative folk) are absent and spend time with God. Ask Him for the strength you need to work this out with your wife. God gives us underserved favor and wants us to return that to others. God is more than able to fix this concern of yours with your wife.
To me its pretty simple. She’s a cheater. It has nothing to do with you. I noticed that you mentioned that the “corrections” made were to your outer appearance based upon things you heard during counseling. I am troubled by this because it seems that issues she had were superficial. I am curious to know if she made any corrections. There is no excuse for infidelity. None. Under no circumstances is it ever ok or justified. It is betrayal and destructive to relationships. People, however, are human and as such, mess up. You as an individual must make the ultimate decision as to forgiveness. The thing about cheating is that it is often a pattern of dishonest behavior. Is she lying about the guy friend? I think she’s absolutely lying. How can she not be able to contact her “best” friend? That is totally not believable on any level.
My brother I truly sense you are torn on what you should do. I challenge you to look at the source of why this came, who this came from, and the timing of this information at this point in your relationship. Don’t dwell on the past infidelity. Look at your wife now, her actions now, the place you both are in and where you both are heading. The enemy of marriage (infidelity, poor communication, lack of finance, lack of intimacy…etc…) will keep rearing it’s head if you BOTH don’t commit to keep the covenant of your vows and guard your marriage at all times. You are on the right path, go back to counseling, keep loving and growing with one another and no matter the “so called best friend’s” motives , your wife is YOUR WIFE. Give her the benefit of doubt and rebuild the trust and security you both need to get beyond this and be married 4 life. Peace and Blessings
I totally agree with Jamedra! Also, sometimes its best for all outside influences to be eliminated that can cause speculation or insecurity to an already fragile situation. Meditation, Prayer, logical thinking, and sound advice will help. You know your wife so you can pretty much tell if she’s being true, on the other hand insecurity and mistrust has occurred and that sometimes blocks rationale. I’d advise lose all outside influences. No friends right now we have to out all our energy into one another at this point, everyones motives are not genuine or in the best interest of the relationship. I hope you are WRONG and your marriage survives…most of all I hope you find peace and the truth.
Her friend may really just be a friend to her. BUT, I have run across men who I always saw as my friends but envied my relationship. So just like women will "throw salt in the game" men will do it to. Perhaps someone is trying to cause friction whether they are conscious of it or not. Talk to your wife seriously and ask HER what she would do if the shoe were on the other foot. Get in a quiet place and listen to what SPIRIT is telling you. But don't be so quick to toss out the work you've done and the endless possibilities ahead on a RUMOR.
OMG! I hate to break it to you but she is straight playing you! This is so sad. You need to confront your wife and put everything you've been feeling out on the table. Something is clearly NOT RIGHT!!
Unfornately it appears as if your wife is cheating AGAIN!!! I would wait to speak to this person first BEFORE you accuse her but if a week or two goes by and she still is unable to contact him that is a little suspect.
You will than have to decide if you can remain in a relationship with someone that you cannot trust. Life is short, you dont want to spend it being unhappy.
All the best of luck!!!!