How To Support Your Man When He Withdraws & Won’t Talk

By Team  BLAM

Women have a lot to learn about men before their relationships can be really fulfilling. They need to learn that when a man is upset or stressed he will automatically stop talking and go to his “cave” to work things out. They need to learn that no one is allowed in that cave, not even the man’s best friends. Women should not become scared that they have done something terribly wrong. They just need to learn that if you just let men go into their caves, after a while they will come out and everything will be fine.

This lesson is difficult for women because one of the golden rules for women is never to abandon a friend when she is going through. She loves him–and therefore–tries to support him in the way that she would want to be supported. So, she asks him lots of questions about how he is feeling and tries to be a good listener thinking then he will feel better. But, it doesn’t. In fact, it can do the exact opposite. Constantly trying to get him to talk makes him shut down more and when she gets upset and is offended because he won’t talk to her—well now the problem is even more complicated. He has to think about what’s bothering him and now add to that–why you’re now upset. It’s even harder for a man to begin talking when he’s ready if he feels his partner disapproves of the time he took to himself.

When a man withdraws he is generally wounded or stressed and is trying to solve his problem alone. To give him the support that a woman would want is counterproductive. There are basically six ways to support him when he goes into his cave. And, ladies here’s a quick tip: Giving him this support will also shorten the time he needs to spend alone.

How To Support Your Man When He Withdraws

1. Don’t disapprove of his need for withdrawing in the first place.

2. Don’t try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions.

3. Don’t try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings.

4. Don’t sit around looking all pathetic while you wait for him to open up to you.

5. Don’t worry about him or feel sorry for him.

6. Do something that will distract you and make you happy.

How To Persuade Your Man To Give Couples Coaching/Counseling A Real Try

By Your

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Here’s an interesting question: how do you get a man who won’t even ask for directions after driving in circles for two hours to go out and hire a stranger, then tell that person his deepest, darkest secrets?


Even when they’re in the company of close friends, men will generally keep sadness, disappointments and other internal conflicts to themselves. So how can your get a strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to a pro—with you?


Couples Counseling/Coaching


Start the conversation about couples counseling by talking about yourself, not about him. If you talk about him he may feel like you are on the attack, which will make him defensive and less likely to hear what you’re trying to tell him. Tell him you’ve been thinking about therapy because you want to take steps to be a better partner, and you can contribute more to the relationship if you have more tools in your kit.


While things can start with you, the process will be much more effective if both of you participate. After all, you’re both members of the couple and to change or improve both sides need to be involved. As a couple, you can both benefit from tips on how to communicate better and have a more satisfying relationship.


Invite him to go see someone with you on a strictly no obligation basis to test the waters and see how it feels to him. He might be surprised at how liberating and positive it feels. If the person is the right fit for the two of you, it’s likely that he will feel reassured and some (if not all) of his objections will go away.


A caveat: the discussion of going for help might get heated if he jumps to the conclusion that the counseling is the first step to separation or divorce. In your mind, it’s probably just the opposite, so make that clear. This will become more apparent to him once you’ve had a few sessions.


Other Issues


You might think that if your partner has a deeper problem such as depression or anxiety, it would help to attend sessions along with him, but that is not usually the case. If a man is put off by the thought of seeking help, the thought of looking weak in front of you is going to send him running. When introducing the idea that he might benefit from therapy by himself, it’s important to plant the seed of an idea and nurture it over time. After getting used to the idea he might start to think it’s a good idea.


Making suggestions might help to a certain extent, but it often takes a crisis of some kind—a failed friendship, career burnout, or some other traumatic event—to make him take the step towards help. The good news is that once men get down to business and say “yes” to help, that first step often brings a rapid sense of relief. When they admit something is wrong, they usually do what they do best: they get to work and fix it.


Men tend to shy away from group therapy situations, however, interpersonal interaction with other men can sometimes be a vital step in the process of healing. It provides an opportunity to break the pattern of isolation from other males. By allowing themselves to connect and be vulnerable with their peer group, men learn to nurture while preserving authentic masculinity. Once in this situation, men are often relieved that they no longer need to try to look good on the outside, while feeling empty and alone inside; they actually find there is strength in vulnerability. And of course you will always be there to support him, as well.


A Few Other Tips:


When it comes to asking him to join you in this process, try to stay away from issuing ultimatums. It can cloud the issue and raise questions like, “if she’s going to leave me anyway, what’s the point?” Or he may react to the control you’re exerting and rebel against that control “just because.”

When you sit down to talk about working with a coach, try to do it in the following way: 1) Have your logical plan laid out: “I want to go to therapy to work on this issue.” Offer clear details from your perspective. In therapy/coaching they call this talking from the “I” perspective, which helps to avoid blame. 2) Avoid open-ended complaints about your relationship. He knows you’re unhappy; chances are he is too. If you overstate your feelings, the opportunity to have a rational conversation may be lost in the heat of the moment

Stay positive in your approach—remember that most people respond better to praise than criticism. If you can look at the anticipated outcome instead of focusing on the current negativity, it usually goes better.

If you know which pro you want to work with, offer that person as a suggestion. But remember, your partner may want to feel like he’s a part of the decision making process. If he appears resistant to your choice, ask if he would like to help select the pro. Bring him to the website and do a search together.

Consider working with a male pro. Sometimes this can help men to feel more at ease with the process. You can search for men who are in your area or work remotely (this will give additional choices if your community is small). However, remember that simply because a pro is a male doesn’t mean he’s the right one for you; take a look at the whole set of qualities the pro offers, and try to keep an open mind about the male vs. female choice.

Remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day; your relationship didn’t get to the state it’s in overnight and it won’t be fixed overnight. You, your partner and your pro need time to sort through the details and work out a strategy together. Try to set realistic expectations for everyone by respecting the process and not pushing to fix things faster than they can honestly be mended.

If you’re at a loss for how to begin the conversation with your guy, talk to a pro and ask his or her advice. Professionals deal with this kind of dilemma frequently and often have ways to encourage men to participate.

Finally, when all else fails, remember that you love your partner and your desire to get help stems from the belief that you two can be happier. If you meet complete resistance, remind him that you’re doing this for you and for him. Appeal to his love for you and ask him to trust your judgment that this is something that will make things better.



5 Tips On How To Be A Great Husband

By Mark Webb

One of the things I love most about being a relationship specialist is that I get to empower relationships. I particularly love to teach men how to be their best so that their women totally adore them. Most husbands fall into the good or poor categories. They aren’t very happy with themselves and their wives don’t like them very much either. Great husbands are few and far between.

However, great husbands are much happier and they enjoy a richer degree of life. So, what is the difference? Here are some of the essential principles for becoming a great husband:

1) Listen To Her Feelings. You might not understand or agree but listen. Most men argue or get frustrated. A great husband conveys unconditional support to his wife. He makes it safe for her to share all sides of herself. A wife who can freely express herself will not only feel safe but a great husband will make her feel special as well.

2) Spend Time With Her. Let your actions clearly show that your wife is your greatest priority. She needs to know that she is special to you. Most men choose sports, T.V. , hunting or fishing. You can have these things but if your wife doesn’t know she comes first in your life then she may resent your other pursuits.

3) Be Her Champion. Your wife needs to feel your strength and security. “I’m here for you” is the point you want to make. Despite other messages she may give you, women hate having to be in charge all of the time. Convey to your wife that your love for her is powerful and totally unconditional. Don’t let your message be weakened based on her moods or behavior. Great husbands stand by their wives no matter what.

4)?Let Her Know That You Are Captivated By Her Beauty. Great husbands let their wives know that they only have eyes for her. You dilute the strength of your marriage when you let your eyes drift towards other women. How is she ever going to feel safe if she feels threatened by other women all of the time? Devote yourself to her. Don’t split your energy. Pour it all into her.

5)?Being a Great Husband is not hard to do. It will take more of an effort but the rewards are enormous. You will feel so much better about yourself and your wife will go out of her way to fulfill the needs of your heart. Make an absolute commitment to be a Great Husband. In times of uncertainty or frustration, ask the question, “What would a Great Husband do?” This question will help you keep your direction and commitment. Strive to be great.

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be a Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships. Visit his website at

4 Tips To Help Men Lose Their Post Pregnancy Belly

By Jon Finkel

A few generations ago, men routinely became fathers in their early to mid-20s (on purpose). This meant that, by age 35, the average guy may already have had a teenage son, and that just at the moment when his body started showing signs of aging (slight aches, longer recovery after a basketball game, full-day hangovers), the heavy lifting with the children was almost done. This left your typical man in the middle of the last century with little to do physically after age 40 but take care of his own body (and back then, that meant smoking a carton of Marlboro Reds a week).

Cut to today, when couples are delaying having kids until later and later, and what do you have? A generation of men burping babies in bodies better suited for coaching Babe Ruth Prep. Biologically, chasing toddlers and chasing fly balls is a young man’s game, not something nature intended men in their late 30s and early 40s to do. At an age when many athletes retire from their sports (see: Barry Sanders, 31, or Rocky Marciano, 32), men today are just starting to think about having kids.

It’s the perfect storm for poor health: more responsibility and stress, less time to exercise, easier access and desire for crappy foods, the instinctual impulse to put the well being of your child and wife above your own, and so on. This leaves us with millions of men having kids at the tail end of their physical peak, putting on hold the one thing that will keep them feeling younger for longer — a healthy lifestyle.

In order to avoid packing on the paternal pounds, you need a blueprint to maximize your minutes during the craziest time of your life. Here’s a start:

1) Open Your Mind

Trying to squeeze in a block of time to exercise on a day-to-day basis for the first half-year of your baby’s life will just turn into a stress-inducing mess. Each day will be an exercise in futility, leaving you feeling rushed, annoyed and frustrated. With the right plan and the right mindset, you can eliminate this from happening. How can you do that? Your first order of business is to realize that your standard model for working out (dedicating a solid half hour, hour or more a day to hit the gym or play sports) isn’t the only way, or even the best way, to stay in shape. In fact, this regimented style is a result of our modern workweek and society. Humans didn’t evolve to exercise one hour of the day and then sit on our asses the other 23. For 98% of our history, we were on our feet, out and about, all day, every day, until we went to bed. Keep this in mind as you read the next few strategies.

2) Burn Calories, Not Minutes

Unless you’ve had an efficiency expert follow you around, you have no idea how many calories you burn throughout the day. Since time is of the essence when you’re a new dad, you’re going to have to learn to fit your workout around your daily activities. No more leaning against the counter while something is in the microwave. No more staring at your oddly patterned chest hair while you’re waiting for the water to heat up in the shower. If you can’t block out the half hour or more you used to spend at the gym four or five times a week, those moments we just mentioned need to be maximized. Do 20 body squats while the frozen breast milk is warming up. Try and do 50 pushups before the water gets hot in the shower. You literally waste dozens of minutes a day that can be used to crank out a quick 30-second or one-minute workout. If you take advantage of those minutes every day, you’ll be amazed at how much exercise you can squeeze in without changing your schedule one bit.

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NBA Stars & Celebrities Talk With Inmates About Fatherhood & Motivation

It’s a inspiring thing when black men reach back and educate boys about fatherhood/manhood because their socioemotional development is dependent upon what they experience in the environment and who they experience it with. Recently, former NBA baller Etan Thomas, New York Knicks star Amar’e Stoudemire and a star studded celebrity panel delivered an inspirational message to young inmates locked up in the worlds most infamous jail systems, New York’s “Rikers Island”.

Fellas…Marriage Is NOT A Four Letter Word

VIDEO: Usually when you hear men talking about marriage their tone may suggest that they’re being forced to endure a torturous experience. Many men are constantly looking over their shoulder reminiscing on what was and reluctantly face the “supposed” bondage and agonizing changes that lie ahead. Marriage does change men. However, change can be a good thing. As a matter of fact change is the only constant thing in life—we’re always changing. It’s up to you to determine what you are going to invest in your marriage so you can see the positive change you want to see.

A Love Letter To Black Men…

By Lela

Dear Black Men,

I have never really been the type to write love letters because I was always told “when a word is spoken, you can feel the emotions in it” but today I woke up feeling very inspired, and what was the cause of this inspiration you ask? Black men; and by Black men I mean the descendants of the Nubians, Akans, Asantis,Igbos, Yorubas etc I mean Black men as in the descendants of those who navigated the planet thousands of years ago, I mean Black men who are the descendants of Hannibal, King Taharqa, King Ramses I, Imotep, Shaka Zulu etc, I mean Black men as in the ones who brought up heroes like Marcus Garvey and Patrice Lumumba, I mean Black men like the ones with the wisdom of Malcolm and the Genius of Huey P. Newton, I mean Black men like the descendants of the Africans who survived the middle passage and life on the plantations, I mean Black men like the millions of nameless and faceless heroes who fought for the freedom we enjoy today, I mean Black men like the ones who continue to struggle in this cruel world These are the Black men who inspired me this morning.

I didn’t really have a draft in mind so I am just writing this from my heart.

When I look around at the state many of my brothers are in- it upsets me not because I am angry at them but I am angry they have internalised the state they have been reduced to. When you know someone is better than something you would always encourage them to do better. I admit to being misguided with my methods at times, but the frustration I feel when a brother has no will to be the man he is destined to be is immense. It breaks my heart when I see some brothers degrade their ancestors for a slice of the devils pie, it breaks my heart that even some sisters feel the need to “give up” on their men, It breaks my heart when a Black man can look his mother in the eye and say he has “given up” on Black women. The very idea that we no longer see each other with respect and feel the need to downgrade each other in front of the world is saddening. I am happy for a brother if he finds love with any woman and can raise children who will be productive to not only society but will also have some pride in their father’s identity. After all, we have had revolutionary trailblazers who fought imperialism from all backgrounds – It’s about what’s in their heart. But today a deep rooted sense of misguided anger is used in the way we see each other – The black man and woman’s dialogue contains shaming language and anger fuelled by society. I haven’t always had the best relationships with Black men but I won’t give up on them because they are all I have – we should be able to scream, shout, yell, fight, argue but also be able to come together in times of struggle. I’m not going to make this letter negative so I am going to switch up the energy and talk about the things that have made me fall in love with Black men.

 1)Their smile –

When a Black man smiles at me, I feel warmth. I feel as if the melanin in his skin sends down a ray from the sun that blesses my skin. I feel as if God himself has taken me into his arms and given me comfort –this isn’t to say other men cannot be as amazing but the smile of a Black man is one of the best memories I have. My father never really smiled but when he did, it was so contagious that it would instantly make me smile. The smile a Black man has can warm your heart instantly and lovingly. It’s daring yet dangerous, cunning yet kind and beautiful yet bold.

 2)Their Confidence –

Whether it’s a brother in a suit or a brother in sportswear; nobody can deny an incredible amount of confidence is exuded by Black men. This confidence is what took Muhammad Ali to the top of his game, not only was he a heavyweight champion but he was a spokesman for his community. Confidence on a brother is like a scent – it lingers long after he is gone; this is why we still quote Malcolm, Lumumba, Garvey etc when a Black man is confident in himself and in his community -society attacks his image. I love a Black man’s confidence because it lets me know that whatever happens I can rely on my strong brothers to be by my side; I can lift him up and he can go forth into the world and carry on to inspire future generations to come.

 3)Their variety –

Black men range from Midnight Black to Chocolate to Caramel to sun kissed golden brown and all other shades in between. They are found in nearly every continent on the planet and have influenced every society. Whether it’s the African-Caribbean brothers with their Island rhythm or the African American brothers with their amazing accomplishments or our brothers in the motherland with their amazing strength or our spicy brothers in Latin America etc One thing you cannot deny is Black men come like a premium diamond – cut from pure finery. I have met so many Black men and I get so inspired and have the thirst to learn about their various cultures; that variety is a lot for a sister to keep up with lol but it’s worth it.

4) Their strength –

A Black man to me is the pillar of strength – no matter what biological or physical attack he has been faced with; he will always persevere. The strength of the Black man can be seen in some of the world largest economies that were built from his suffering, sweat, blood and tears. The amount of slave revolts and revolutionary activities Black men have carried on their backs over the past few centuries show that Black men are not willing to go down without a fight. The Black man’s strength led him to free Haiti from its French slave masters and it led the maroons to go against the British with no weapons. The strength of Black men has guided many of them to the path of what’s right, even when they had little to no support from others. The Black man’s strength is society’s greatest fear – this is why he is put down daily to remove the strength given to him by God. This strength is what I look for in a man; a man who I can one day be with who will protect me and together we can go forth into the world and spread the message of freedom. This is the strength so great that once showed makes a Black man a target; a Black man who exudes strength must be removed from the earth because this strength can change the power dynamic and the shape of our world – Patrice Lumumba, Malcolm X, Fred Hampton etc strong Black men who were permanently removed from the planet for showing strength and courage in the face of adversity. This is the strength I admire, keep it up my brother – wake up in the morning and go forth and do your thing.

5) The final thing I love about Black men is their love –

A black man’s love comes in all forms; father to child, Husband to wife, Partner to partner or leader to community. When you have experienced a Black man’s love; you could never hate him. The way he gets up every morning with the world on his shoulders but still manages to do what he can for those around him – when a Black man loves you, your world becomes clearer – you smile brighter, you dance better, you feel amazing and you do what you can to keep him. This love is pure; untainted and sanctioned by God himself. I was raised by a Black man’s love – the way my father would look at my mother and she would smile; it made me feel so happy. When my father would look me in the eye and call me his princess – I hope to one day have a husband who would love my daughter the same way my father loved me. A Black man’s love comes with protection against any worries. It’s the greatest feeling to be loved by a Black man – this is why all of our greatest sheroes were able to carry on the struggle even when their Black men were gone; because even in death, the Black man’s love will always give you the strength and confidence to carry on fighting.






15 Traits Women Find Attractive In Men

By Rusty Doyle

Here are 15 traits to keep in mind while pondering the question: “What do women want in a man?”

1. Confidence: This one comes first, because it is crucial to overall attractiveness. Having confidence means knowing your value and respecting yourself, which you display through your body language and actions. Keep in mind that there is a big difference between being confident and being cocky.
2. Independence: This one goes for both of you. You need to maintain a healthy level of independence, and you must allow her to do the same. If you hold on too tightly, refuse to let her hang out with friends or partake in other related behaviors, it will only show that you lack confidence and you will lose her in the end.
3. Territoriality: While you don’t want to go overboard on this one – or you might infringe upon her independence – you do want to be a bit territorial at times. For example, don’t let other guys hit on her and make it clear that you are together when you go out. What women find attractive is a guy who can balance independence and territoriality effectively.
4. Intelligence: No one is asking you to cure cancer or solve complex calculus equations, but having common sense and an education can take you quite a ways with women.
5. Expertise: Having expertise or passion in a particular thing is definitely part of what women find attractive in men. If you have taken the time and made the effort to hone your skills in a particular area, particularly if it is something you are truly passionate about, women will pick up on this and it will increase your attractiveness.
6. Sense of Humor: What do women want in a man? They want someone who can make them laugh, will laugh at their jokes and can laugh at himself.
7. Creativity: Having creative interests and the ability to communicate what inspires you about them is definitely part of what women find attractive.
8. Being a Challenge: Just like men, women rarely enjoy or appreciate things as much if they come to them to easily. Having other interests and passions besides her will make you a bit more of a challenge.
9. Thoughtfulness: When learning the answer to, “What do women want in a man?,” thoughtfulness is definitely on the list. Remember her birthday and your anniversary and you will be in good standing; remember her mom’s birthday and you will be golden.
10. Assertiveness: Don’t confuse this with being overly aggressive. Being assertive – or even a little aggressive – means going after what you want, whether that is a promotion, a date or a dream.
11. Culture and Class: Part of what women find attractive is a guy who has at least some class and culture. This is easier to accomplish than you might think. Going to a museum or art exhibit every once in a while, buying some nicer artwork for your home or simply expanding your drink preferences beyond Budweiser is a really good start.
12. Good Posture and Body Language: Look people in the eye when you speak to them, stand up straight and stop looking down when you are walking. Ninety percent of communication is non-verbal, so make sure you are saying the right things with your posture and body language.
13. Good, Satisfying Sex: Women love sex just as much as men do; therefore, it is important to know her special spots, always give enough attention to foreplay and be a thoughtful lover by always making sure she finishes first.
14. Dominance: Now, don’t get the wrong idea about this one. The right kind of dominance that fits into what women find attractive is not the kind where you are constantly telling her what to do or being a jerk. But, women do like a guy who will take the lead, make decisions and just tell her where you two are going for dinner sometimes, rather than constantly asking her what she wants to do.
15. Chivalry: Chivalry is not dead; it is just a bit more confusing and complicated now. The trick here is to be courteous without coming across as a pushover. Open the door, pay for dates, be mindful of her needs and show her that you can be trusted and will take care of her.

These 15 traits are a good start to understanding the answer to the question of what do women want in a man. Keep this list handy as you maneuver through learning about what women find attractive to help you stay on track and focused on the things you want to improve.

VIDEO: Dwayne Wade Discusses His New Book “A Father First” With CBS’s Gayle King

NBA player Dwyane Wade has a new book out titled “A Father First: How My Life Became Bigger Than Basketball.” He recently spoke with “CBS This Morning’s” Gayle King about his new book and also said a little something about his future with his girlfriend actress Gabriel Union. Check it out. 😉

3 Ways That Age Affects The Penis

By Felicia Vance

How does aging affect male’s primary sex organ? It is a question that seeps into every man’s mind, no matter what his situation may be. Whether single, married, healthy or unhealthy, a man’s body will eventually go through some changes.

Here is brief rundown of what men can expect to occur as they age:

Penis Appearance & Size

As man crosses the prime sexual period, 30 years in many cases, the male organ undergoes some significant changes. The penis head gradually loses its color due to reduced blood flow, and pubic hair loss can be observed in some cases. If a man puts on excess weight, and as he ages, the organ loses its girth and length. The size loss can be reversible when caused by weight gain, but not when caused by aging. There is nothing to worry about if you notice the reduction in the size, since it simply happens due to reduced blood flow.

At least two mechanisms cause the penis to shrink. One, the slow deposition of fatty substances (plaques) inside tiny arteries in the penis, which impairs blood flow to the organ. This process, known as atherosclerosis, is the same one that contributes to blockages inside the coronary arteries — a leading cause of heart attack.


If penile scar tissue accumulates unevenly, the penis can become curved. This condition, known as Peyronie’s disease, occurs most commonly in middle age. It can cause painful erections and make intercourse difficult. The condition may require surgery.

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