FELLAS As Much As It Pains Me To Say This…We Have To Be Better Husbands

By Ilex Bien-Aime

Yesterday I learned a very humbling truth and that is…….I had no clue on how to be a husband! When I thought about how something like that could happen it didn’t take me long to realize why. Let’s face it – I was not surrounded by men who knew how to be husbands. My father and mother were divorced when I was four years old. I lived with my grandparents from the time I was four to seventeen  and I know for a fact that my grandfather was the worst example of a husband! During my senior year of high school, I lived with my aunt and uncle and to be honest, that was the first time that I saw a husband that I could pattern myself after. And even he didn’t completely know what he was doing!

Many men – especially black men – are less than prepared to be husbands. This is mainly because often times we never saw an example of what a husband should be. Even though some of my friends grew up with both parents in the household, that did little to prepare them for the duty of being a husband. Most of our thoughts on what being a husband should be like come from a secular viewpoint. The world has a view of what a husband should look like and the Bible has a view on what a husband is. All too often the reason that men fail as husbands is because the world’s views and God’s view are totally different.

Look at the messes that we have made in our marriages. They say that in America the divorce rate is around 50 percent. Many point to the fact that we are living in a “Godless,” society as the reasoning behind this. Unfortunately the so-called “heathen,” are not the only ones getting divorced. Sorry to say but “Christians,” are getting divorced as well. I know a few pastors who have gotten divorced so it’s not just the secular community who is killing marriage. It is the lack of knowledge of what being a husband is all about that is destroying the sanctity of the institute. Sure, other reasons contribute to the decline of marriages but at the end of the day God holds men responsible.

Men think that being a husband is about being the hunter, gatherer, and protector of the home. While these things are parts of his duties, they are not necessarily what God says he should be. Husbands are supposed to emulate Christ, and as he sacrificed and died for us, we are supposed to do the same for our wives. We say that we would die for our wives yet we refuse to die to self. We don’t put our wives first in all things. I know I don’t and that is one of the reasons that I fail. We really aren’t taught marriage from a biblical precept. So we come into marriage thinking that we can be selfish and that things will work themselves out. We tell ourselves that we will fulfill our duties when she fulfills her duties – which clearly shows that we have conditions to our love.

We often lack sacrifice because we were taught to have this macho image. A man who sacrifices too much is considered a punk and is weak but that is not the true definition of sacrifice. There is a difference between being a doormat and sacrificing for your wife and the good of your family. Too bad many of us are not taught the difference. What we are taught is just plain selfishness. We are willing to give to our wives things that don’t take much for us to give, but as my wife says, “when the rubber meets the road,” we say something different.

I suggest that men read For Married Men Only: Three Principles to Ignite Love by Tony Evans. I finished the book in one day and in one day I realized that I have been lacking as a husband. It’s one of those things that make you feel like you were living in a matrix. I saw my duties as a husband one way days before and now I see my duties in a much different light. Fellas, I know you are probably going to say that a marriage is about more than just the husband and you are right. However, the family is our duty. God holds us responsible so we have to learn to be better husbands.

Ilex Bien-Aime is an integral part of the BlackLoveAndMarriage.com team. He lives in Washington, DC with his lovely wife. He writes as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. He writes as a man who wants to give his future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly he writes what he writes because his female friends are always asking his opinion about these situations. Connect with Ilex at Iamsayingit.blogspot.com or via email atilexbienaime@gmail.com.


 

‘Gay For Stay’ – The Man You’re Sleeping With May Not Be Who You Think He Is

Fresh from the hoosegow, a virile young ex-con returns home with newfound sexual habits that threaten his relationships and the health of the women he loves.

What happens when your husband/boyfriend is incarcerated for an extended period of time? Does he become “priestly”? Or does he adapt to his surroundings? Filmmaker, Rod Gailes OBC, addresses these questions and more in a provocative, jaw-dropping 12-minute short.

Searching For Solutions To Fight Black Male Unemployment

By Gerald Mitchell

Yesterday’s employment report has largely been seen as positive news, and for good reason. Two-hundred twenty-seven thousand new jobs were created in February, and the previous month’s employment figures were also revised upwards, making the gains even more impressive than previously thought. Despite this fact, headline unemployment rate number remained unchanged at 8.3 percent. How could this be?

It’s because the participation rate, which measures the percentage of working-age individuals who are employed or unemployed and looking for a job, actually increased in February, after falling in January. That is to say, that while there are more people finding jobs, there are also more looking for jobs than before. This can also be seen as a positive indicator, as it means that people have more hope that jobs are available than they did previously.

Unfortunately, black unemployment actually increased from 13.6 percent to 14.1 percent. This is distressing, for obvious reasons, and to see the positive momentum that occurred last month come to a halt, while the rest of the economy continued to tread water at worst, speaks to the fragile state of the recovery in the black community.

That being said, part of the rise in the black unemployment rate, as with the broader economy, is due to an increase in the participation rate in the black community. In fact, when analyzing another key indicator, the employment-population ratio, the percentage of working age people who were working was essentially flat.

This context is not meant to excuse the fact that black communities still experience extremely high levels of unemployment, especially in specifically distressed areas of the country, nor that the gap between black unemployment and the rest of the country is not closing fast enough.

In fact, there remain some ominous signs when looking beneath the headline numbers. Most alarmingly, unemployment increased substantially for black males in February to 14.3 percent, up from 12.7 percent in January — this despite the fact that the participation rate and employment-population ratio both decreased.

That is to say, the black male unemployment is climbing, even as the percentage of working-age black males who are actively looking for work is falling. That should raise a lot of eyebrows in our communities, as well as in Washington.

CLICK HERE to read more.

My Husband’s ‘Man Cave’ Has Strengthened Our Marriage

By Mary Jo Rapini

My husband’s birthday was the day after Valentine’s Day, so celebrating is a double whammy. Buying him gifts for the two holidays was tough because I like buying him sentimental things for Valentine’s Day and useful things for his birthday. He is a practical man; he enjoys working in the yard and fixing things in the house. I encourage this part of him because he has a stressful job and working on things seems to relax him. I had been bugging him since the holidays about what he wanted for his birthday, so the week before his birthday when he came to me with a big grin on his face pointing to a magazine telling me, “This is what I want,” I paid attention. It was inside a Prime Living Magazine, for which I write, where he found his dream gift: a “man cave” you could build at home.

The man caves featured in the article were incredible. One look and I knew it was the perfect gift! Some were round and hanging from a tree. Some of them were fashioned after elaborate cottages hidden in the trees. I kept looking at the pictures and imagining how they would look in our yard. I looked at him and said, “Wow, we need one of these! We can climb up inside and retreat for days.” His face changed, and he became suddenly serious and said, “Wait a minute, the idea of the man cave is I go into it by myself. I go there to retreat, to think, and to work on stuff.” He went on to say, “I get to eat what I want (I’m vegetarian, he’s not), listen to what I want (he likes 60’s rock, I like bossa nova) and it’s a place only for ‘the man.'”

The more he talked, the more I realized what a great concept a “man cave” really is. It allows men freedom from being anything other than a man. During dinner that night, we had a lively conversation about the man cave with several of our friends. I was surprised that more women weren’t open to the idea. They seemed a little jealous that their man would leave or wouldn’t be completely in need of their company all the time. One of my friends told us that her home is a man cave. She has sons, and she said they all act like barbarians in the home. She felt that a woman’s cave would be more appropriate.

The conversation became so animated that my husband conceded and said he didn’t really want a man cave, but he brought the whole idea up because he thought it was funny. I didn’t and don’t think it’s funny…I think it’s ingenious. I think a man cave could save marriages, and they would be much cheaper and less destructive than a divorce.

Men who need a man cave but don’t build one may end up creating one in their relationship. They achieve this by withdrawing, getting defensive when their partner asks for more of their time and sometimes by abandoning the relationship. Guys need time to be alone. Women do too, but women often prefer the company of friends during their “alone time.” Women are more verbal and frequently include other women in their alone time by chatting online, talking on the phone or through texting. Guys’ alone time looks different; it is actually alone. My husband takes a trip with his brothers every year to an old cabin in Canada that they have frequented since childhood. The best part of his vacation is when they all do their own thing during the day…alone. He writes, fishes, catches bugs and whatever, but it is done in solitude. He is a better husband because of this trip.

CLICK HERE to read more.

 

Rapini is the author of Is God Pink? Dying to Heal and co-author of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex or Whatever.  Keep up with the latest advice at http://maryjorapini.com

Black Men Who Look Damn Good For Their Age

The media often  highlights Black women and celebrities who look damn good but now, madamenoire.com has compiled a list some black male noteworthy’s who’ve turned a couple of heads in their time.  Although many men do look better with age, some don’t seem to age very much at all. You’d probably never guess the real age of many of the following male celebs: Prince, Pherell, Q-Tip, Common…

CLICK HERE to read more.

You Ever Tried Motivating Your Man To Find A J-O-B?

By Ruth Purple

Groucho Marx once said- “Behind every successful man is a woman.” I don’t know if this still holds true today, because personally, I have always believed that a person is responsible for his or her own success. But in cases where your man lost his job and morale, a little push from you is necessary. When your man is down and out, this is where you can test your supporting power to help him recover. A little inspiration and motivation can be a powerful thing to help your man back on track. Knowing the art of motivating him to look for a job without pressuring him is one key to help you survive this ordeal.

To motivate your husband find a job, here’s how.

* Be patient. You have to understand that it takes months to find a job nowadays. And if you have a natural instinct to press on him to find a job, then hold your tongue. Your husband might need some time to grieve about this loss; this usually takes a minimum of two weeks. So give him time. I’m sure that he’s constantly thinking about how to find a job, so don’t nag him more about it, instead, sympathize and support him during this time.

* Encourage. After the grieving phase is over, begin a positive conversation about opportunities. Most likely your husband would choose a different path or field from his previous career. Encourage his plans. If he wants to put- up a business, assist him with the feasibility study, or if he wants to go back to school or begin from the bottom of a new career, cheer on it.

* Focus. If he is having a hard time to find a job, it’s normal to feel disappointed or frustrated. Instead of feeling desperate about it, do something that can help your current situation, like cutting back on expenses, searching on the web about work opportunities, assisting on making an impressive resume and many more. The more you show negativity, the more you plague your situation.

* Be resilient. There is a big possibility that when he finds work, it will be on bad hours with less compensation than his previous career. Don’t get discouraged. Be willing to adjust with the situation, and be thankful with the opportunities that come by.

And speaking of opportunities, I know this is very hard to comprehend now, but this difficult time is an opportunity to decipher how strong and deep your relationship is. Believe me, your struggles are not futile, it has a purpose. And when your relationship survives this ordeal, nothing can shake your love for each other.

 

I Was Saddened By The Shortsightedness Of Some Men…But There’s A Lesson To Be Learned Through It All

By Ayize Ma’at

A few weeks ago, in response to a barrage of immature and disrespectful virtual opinions about me….I found myself asking the question…..What the hell is a SIMP?  And without a moments hesitation I received a response from more than one guy saying “You nigga”.  Now before I continue let me give you a little back story.  Exactly 1 year ago….Jan 19th 2011 I posted a video on YouTube titled “Women Today Ain’t Like Women Of Yesterday (check it out below if you haven’t already seen it).  That video was met with a massive applause by many women because in the video I essentially expressed that men don’t really know that women today ain’t like women of yesterday because we really didn’t take the time to get to know them yesterday and we still aren’t taking the time to get to know them today.  Again, many women loved it….some fellas felt it, and a small number abhorred it.  That is until recently at least….lol

A few weeks ago I started receiving a bunch of comments on this video which led me to believe it was either placed on somebody’s website or it was promoted in the virtual environment somewhere which was provoking such an outpouring of responses.  One of those responses came in the form of a 2 minute video of some dude who had recorded himself laughing as he watched my video on his computer.  I was thinking “really dude”.  It’s weird watching someone watch a video of you.   Here are   some of the comments that were made on Women Today Ain’t Like Women Of Yesterday:

– This is one of the WORST simps I have seen on youtube. He is EXACTLY what feminism has done to BM, made them a joke of a man who grovels to women for appeasement. How dare he compare BW of the past to this RANCID generation of thug lovers, mammies, ghetto gaggers & nigga haters!!!

– this nigga is weak a typical “momma made man”

– Mangiiiiina aleeeert!

– We’ll see how long this SIMP empowers women when his REDBONE leaves his ass.

– Dude get you a big ass glass of MAN UP. Nah, you need the 3-liter bottle cause you ain’t got no testosterone in your system.Taking a ride on the SIMP train and about to get his ticket punched.

– Oh I see, you’re one them niggas that thinks The Color Purple movie was a true depiction of black relationships. You are a pussy ass nigga dawg and your wife OBVIOUSLY wears the pants. You’re really trying to argue that men aren’t naturally supposed to lead? Kill yourself, and if you didn’t know your wife is fucking another dude. I promise you.

– captain save a hoe

– Forsaking your manhood and playing second fiddle to a woman just to be able to “smell it”.

– SIMPING at its finest SMH!

When I received all of these comments I was like “Wow!”  I wasn’t really offended, more than anything I was amused and saddened by the short sightedness of the men who made these comments.  There was a compulsion to “get back in the lab” and create something to challenge, inspire, and encourage men to get beyond their “ball size” and the junior high preoccupation with “who has the biggest dick on display”.  There was a compulsion to express to them that their mind and spirit has the capacity to extend far beyond a 12 inch ruler and getting to know women deeper and more completely through effective communication will only increase the value of their relationships and their lives.

So again I went to the lab…and started working on something that will hopefully meet that goal (Due to be released in April).  Until then let’s keep striving yall.  It’s way bigger than me….It’s way bigger than Aiyana….It’s all about the growth and development of healthy family’s and healthy community’s.  We’re going to do our part and we’re challenging you to do yours.  Check out the video below if you haven’t had a chance to and as always remember STOP PLAYING and START PUSHING.

Ayize Ma’at is Co-founder and President of B Intentional, LLC, the Relationship Education company that owns and operates Blackloveandmarriage.com, the premiere cutting edge Marriage and Family web publication with the largest collection of love and marriage advice videos for African Americans. He is a Marriage & Relationship Educator certified in various Singles and Marriage Education curriculums and has a passion for inspiring others to grow and gain a deeper understanding of love. He is a devoted husband and the proud father of 4 amazing children.

Help I’m Stuck!!! It’s Difficult Adjusting To The Redefinition Of Manhood And Fatherhood

By Frank McGinty

Something happened the other day that made me feel uneasy. Yet I shouldn’t have felt that way!

My wife had left for work and I was hanging the washing out to dry. A neighbour from down the way was in his backyard doing the same. ‘Good day for drying’, he called. ‘Let’s hope the rain stays away.’

I had to think about what made me uneasy. Then it hit me. Two men hanging out the washing!

When I was a kid that would never have happened. That was women’s work, after all!

And that made me think about the changing role of men and fatherhood.

Change is seldom easy, hence the deeply buried sense of unease – even in someone like me who considers himself an enlightened individual!

The image of fatherhood has changed very much in recent years, hasn’t it?

We’ve come a long way from the distant, unemotional, patriarch figure. The god-like master who provided for his family, but didn’t expect to be troubled by family issues!

After World War II there was a definite shift. Men became much more involved in the play and leisure areas of family life.

Maybe this was due to the separation caused by the war and consequent feelings of vulnerability. But men still didn’t get involved in household chores!

Today we see a much more enlightened image of the male as a co-parent, getting involved in all aspects of family life and pulling his weight in the home.

Or do we? . . .

Are we really there yet? Some men are moving in the right direction. Others need a gentle push!

Perhaps they need encouragement more than anything.

Young boys tend to see their dads as role models and often absorb, even unconsciously, their dads attitudes and habits. So if some of today’s dads haven’t witnessed and experienced the input of an involved father, the role may not come easily to them.

And yet a dad’s involvement in family life has so much benefit both for the children, the mother and the dad himself.

By pulling their weight with the household chores Dads give a good example to their kids AND they help ease the burden on an all too often over-burdened Mum.

By getting involved in play and educational activities Dads can help build that vital relationship on which confidence depends: their own confidence as parents and the confidence of their kids to explore and discover their talents and abilities to learn the boundaries within which they must operate to absorb the values of the person in charge of them

So much to be gained, for all parties involved!

So if Dad is a rather reluctant participant in family matters, remember that as well as a firm push he may need lots of encouragement.

After all, the role may not come easily since hundreds of years on non-involvement are in his genes.

Let’s all look forward to the day when hanging up the laundry is no big deal for a Dad!

Happy parenting.


5 Reasons Not To Give Up On Black Men

By Ama Yawson

Be honest.  I am sure that you have had a girlfriend or two call you and, before you can even say “Hello,” shout through the phone “Girl, I’m done with brothas—too much drama! It’s strictly the swirl from now on!”  I’m sure you’ve also read black women’s rants on blogs and comment boards all across the Internet about why they are not attracted to black men or why black men can’t be trusted. Although I fervently encourage all black women to be open to men of any race who can give them the love that their heart desires, I would discourage any black woman from completely excluding black men from her dating pools.  Here are just a few of the reasons why:

Black men often have similar interests.

Being black does not completely define who we are—we are human beings first and foremost. But, many black people often have a keen interest in the betterment of black communities. We may be members of the NAACP, Urban League, National Conference of Black Lawyers, National Association of Black Journalists or a host of black Greek organizations. We organize voter registration campaigns and mentorship programs in black neighborhoods. Black men are more likely to share these interests than men of other races. Don’t get me wrong, it is completely possible to find a non-black mate who is genuinely interested in these efforts and it is not necessary that your mate share these interests, but being with a black man may make it easier to share whatever interests and concerns you may have regarding the black community.

Black men are HOT!

There are hot men of every race, color, creed or nationality and the black race is certainly no exception. Black men represent such a wonderful range of hotness, from the hot cocoa lusciousness of Idris Elba to the light-skinned sexiness of Micheal Ealy, black men are often irresistible. That said, it often surprises me when I hear a black woman say that she is categorically not attracted to black men. It shocks me the same way that it shocks me when I hear a black man say that he is not attracted to black women or that he only likes Asian women. Of course, we all may find a particular set of features pleasing to the eye, but that should not mean that we are unable to find other aesthetics sexually attractive. I suspect that people have just closed their minds. When we open our minds and hearts to all of the beauty that the Universe offers, sexual attraction often follows.

Let’s choose character over color

A few years ago, a young man named Martin Luther King made a speech. I think it was called “I Have a Dream.” I wasn’t there but I heard it was a pretty big event in black history. Using a dream that he had for his children as a metaphor, he masterfully and poignantly pointed out ills and horrors of discriminating against people of African descent. Given the way race works in the United States, as black women, it behooves us to remember that, regardless of who we eventually marry, any sons we have will likely be perceived as black men. I know very few people who think that Barack Obama and Paula Patton are in a different racial category than Will Smith and Rihanna. It would be quite sad for your son to be categorically rejected by a black woman he fancies, simply because he is a black man. Why not contribute to an atmosphere where we judge potential mates based “not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character”?

Brothas are Phenomenal Men

There are phenomenal men of all races, including the black race. Just think of the great black men that you know in your family and community. These men are generous, loving, kind, passionate, brilliant and fun to be around. Don’t miss out on a gem just because that gem happens to be onyx.

Black men have not given up on you—don’t drink the Kool-Aid (no pun intended)!

Despite all of the blogs and magazines that display an endless parade of black men marrying non-black women and a list of quotes from black men who say they don’t like black women, most (about 80%) of black men who marry, marry black women. Don’t believe the hype. The majority of black men appreciate and admire the unique beauty, grace, intelligence and vivacity of black women. Shouldn’t we appreciate them in return, even as we open our minds and hearts to men of other backgrounds?

Ama Yawson is the co-founder of loveessence.com, a romantic networking site for black women who are ready for love and all men who are ready to love them in return.

Can I Tell You About The Time I Almost Lost My Smile?

By Al- Lateef

There were two days that I didn’t smile. Never. Not one grin, not once did I show all 32. I didn’t smirk, I didn’t even laugh. As a matter of fact, I didn’t watch television, listen to music and had no contact with the outside world. I was half past 30 and still smarting from the loss of my great-grandparents and the fact that Valentine’s Day was a few days away illuminated many of my fractured relationships. I was a broken man with three types of vodka, a bucket of fried chicken and a couple of grape sodas.

Yeah, I almost lost my smile.

I was beating myself up and calling the police telling life was the culprit, when life had done nothing to me that it hadn’t done to anyone else. Who was I to think I was so special that life zeroed in on me to wreak havoc? Why should I be immune to what I witnessed and advised others through? I guess I thought I would be exempt from the problems of the world, if I lived in my own world. Boy was I wrong…and stupid!

Somewhere between the second and third bottle of liquor and my last piece of chicken I stopped. Then I cried. I cried like all three times I was told one of my grandparents died. The tears had no end in sight, so I sat in the shower for hours to hide them, from who I don’t know. As that water washed over me and tears escaped me, I deconstructed who I was at the time and realized that was not who I had always been. My frustration with an inability to change the past shaded the fact that I had the power to construct my future. It was the most simple of lessons I’ve ever learned, but had totally forgotten in my current state.

I couldn’t change the fact that I didn’t eat dinner with my family that Thanksgiving when my great-grandmother passed or the fact that I was too busy to answer my great-grandfather’s calls during the last few games of the Mets winning streak before he died. However, I could work at repairing the fractures in the relationship with my mother; I could identify a growing problem with alcohol and relate my womanizing directly to the dysfunction of my father/son relationship.

Yeah, maybe I’m just like father…

Most of my life I always wanted to be better than my father, regardless of the situation, but here I was repeating some of his actions and compounding them with a set of issues exclusive to me. So I cried some more and looked deeper into my life to see where I went wrong, trying to peel through over 10,000 days to determine where it went sour. Wait, that’s the wrong approach. More tears and the hot water left long ago, but I couldn’t move. There was no one incident that led me to the bottom of that shower, so I couldn’t expect one answer to how I was going to stand up and walk out of that bathroom.

It was at that moment I did something that I had not done in a long time, I prayed. I prayed a prayer of forgiveness and redemption. I prayed for answers to questions I didn’t know, direction to a place I once knew existed, happiness. I prayed for peace in my heart, my mind and in my life. I didn’t ask for immediate help, I prayed that in time my wounds would heal, because in all of my mess I knew change didn’t come overnight. And for the first time in days, I smiled. I smiled like I just discovered I had teeth. I stood up and smiled as my tears shut off and the hot water returned.

Just as my life became a metaphor, it also became a challenge. My mom always says that change isn’t change until you change and for the next year or so I had to work at being a better me. I had that conversation with God, who I thought I left at my grandmother’s house, but didn’t follow through on my end of the bargain for quite some time. I made baby steps and smiled. I had setbacks and smiled. I made a giant leap and grinned like a Cheshire cat. I smiled through pain, I smiled through joy, I smiled when I was helpless and smiled when I had the strength to sustain ten men. It didn’t matter what I was up against, I learned to face it all and continue to smile, despite the circumstances. Yes, these days I’m smiling often, I’ve repaired my relationships with God, my mother and myself, I’m married to a beautiful woman and curbed that desire for vodka. My smile is love, it’s peace, it’s joy and I’ve learned it is also pain, emptiness and sorrow.

That was the time I almost lost my smile.

Al-Lateef: Between rhetoric and reality is where you’ll find The World According to Teef.   Social commentary rooted in independent thought that’s unfiltered, uncensored, unforgiving, but never unreal!