Where The Hell Is My Wife?

/in , /by

So you’re thinking about going into business with your spouse….do you really know what you’re in for?  Really, do you?  Here’s a glimpse into some of the drama and the process that we go through prior to simply sitting down and recording a 5 minute video.  Sometimes you feel like you’re pulling teeth. Sometimes you feel like you’re dragging dead weight.  Sometimes you feel like FIRING your spouse.  Sometimes..in the midst of all that mess, if you’re intentional, you feel love.  Because of that….it’s worth it.

Is Your Husband An Emotional Terrorist?

/in /by

By Team BLAM

First let us explain what we mean by emotional terrorism.  When you have a relationship, at home or at work, with a person who is constantly humiliating you, harassing you, pressuring on you, taking pleasure in your pain, saying negative things about you or making you feel worthless, then you are caught in a situation of emotional terrorism.

By staying in a relationship with someone who feels the need to put you down and beat you up (physically, psychologically, or emotionally), you actually keep on feeding his destructive attitude. It is hard to conceive why so many people stay together with such a partner, but they do. This is because of a belief that they don’t deserve any better, that they are not worthy of real love. They lack self-respect and don’t really consider getting out of the relationship. They are stuck because the vibrational energy of the dysfunctional relationship matches the low level of their own self-esteem.

People without self-respect attract, by their vibration, abusive individuals who then confirm that they don’t deserve any respect. The outside world mirrors to you what is going on inside yourself. If you have a partner who is beating you up, then that is because somehow you are already beating yourself up from inside. Does your partner constantly harass you? Does your partner drown you with negative remarks, no matter what you do? Then start by looking to how you are harassing yourself, and how many negative remarks you are aiming at yourself. Being surrounded with negative people is caused by your relationship with yourself being very degrading as well.

Your partner doesn’t love you? This first thing to look at is whether you really love yourself. Because if you love yourself, so will your partner. If you love yourself, then it is impossible for an unloving partner to remain in your life. If you maintain a positive inner dialogue with yourself, then you are simply not aligned with a person that is trashing you with negativity. When you find yourself in a long-term relationship with such a person, then this is testimony to how bad your relationship with yourself really is.

Step 1 – First you have to honestly examine the quality of your external relationships. If the quality of the relationship is very low, and they are unwilling to DO THE WORK then break up and leave. It’s only fair to take some time to fully make up your mind, but remember that leaving someone doesn’t have to take ages. However, your own security is always the first priority. If you are in danger then leave immediately. Later on, when you get back on your feet again, you can still take time to analyze the situation to see how you got involved in such a relationship.

If you notice that your relationship is bad, but there is no immediate threat to your life or well being, then step out of the grasp the emotional terrorist has on you by doing the following. First, understand that someone who has to hurt other people to feel good himself, is a vampire. He sucks your energy up to stay alive himself. These people are sick, both in their head and in their heart.

Probably they had a troublesome childhood and never learned how to love, but this is no excuse for their behavior and surely not a reason for you to stay with them. Don’t play therapist in your relationship! Get professional help. Connect with us (Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at).  Any adult who commits himself to positive change can do it, but it is not your role to bring your partner to a healthy behavior. You will lose time, energy and self esteem. Your efforts will be in vain. Why would this energy vampire make an effort to better himself if he can easily feed off the energy of his victim? Ask yourself this question: Do I want to be the victim of an energy vampire? Seek help…seek help…seek help.

Everybody who has lived through a vampire-victim relationship knows how difficult it is to withdraw from the grip of such a person. Their tactics are so subtle and covert that it is indeed difficult for the mentally sane person to understand the strategies of the emotional terrorist. Everything they do is set up to make you doubt.

Behold the infernal vampire-victim combination: the vampire pretends to know everything while the victim doubts herself. This combination is fatal, because whenever you see clearly and realize you’re targeted by emotional terrorism, the vampire will promptly start acting very friendly just to make you second-guess your conclusion. Whenever you see him like he really is and decide to leave, his strategy is to go back to some kind of honeymoon feeling to make you doubt your opinion. You will say to yourself, How could I have thought so bad about him? See how friendly he is! Nobody else has ever said such kind words to me. Beware! Don’t forget that the vampire will lull you to sleep before attacking! You become less awake, less alert, and when you have been fooled again into thinking he’s a friendly person, things go back to normal and he attacks again.

His attacks get worse and worse while your defense gets weaker and weaker. He wants to empty you completely, until there is nothing left of you. What he wants (unconsciously perhaps, but that doesn’t matter) is to depersonalize you, to cut your ego into little pieces, until you no longer exist as your own person; that’s when he has complete power over you.

Step 2 – After examining the quality of your relationship, the second thing to do is to carefully listen to yourself! Instead of listening to that energy vampire, listen to your feelings! Whenever you are experiencing exclusively fear in your relationship, you are not in a loving relationship! Love and fear do not go together. Where there is fear, love cannot exist. Take your feelings seriously! Fear doesn’t come falling out of nowhere; it is an important signal that something is wrong.

Step 3 – Here’s a trick to quickly escape somebody’s grip. Make a list of everything the other says just to make you feel bad. Assign a number to each phrase, and learn this list by heart. Now every time he gives you a negative remark, don’t react to it but instead go to your list and mark the corresponding phrase. Every night, review your list and keep statistics: make an overview to check daily how many times he used the first phrase, the second phrase, and so on. This will help you to stop reacting to the negativity and to stop feeding it. So don’t answer, but just check your list. It will only take a few days to know the list by heart!

Step 4 – Be aware of the fact that an emotional terrorist will not just let his victim slip through his hands without a fight! He will double his efforts to keep you down. Don’t stay with someone like that. If it is your partner, leave him. If it is your boss, find yourself another job. If it is your mother or father, keep some distance for a while and go visit them in little doses. Talk to a lawyer if you must. In any case, a person behaving like that cannot be cured in a matter of weeks.

Staying in this kind of fearful relationship is a ticket to hell! So don’t stick around waiting for the impossible, but start living your own life. You are worthy of living a life of love, happiness and freedom! NOBODY deserves to undergo such destructive behavior!

Step 5 – Now that you have left that person, you can start to have a look at the relationship with yourself. Do you love yourself? Learn how to love yourself! Make a commitment to yourself never to get involved in such kind of relationships again. Be kind to yourself. If you want to do something for these people, pray for them, visualize how they get healed inside, but don’t stay with them. It is not your responsibility to cure them. To destroy yourself is not an option and won’t help them out either! You were meant to be loved, never forget that! Take care of yourself!

 

Keep Climbing Your Mountain No Matter How Hard It Gets

/in , /by

At one point or another we all experience some type of bull shit in our relationship.  You know…times when you want to throw up your hands and say “what the hell is going on?”  You could be butting heads over where you live, how many children, how you’re being talked to, sexual inadequacies, drug addiction, unwillingness to get a job, etc. etc. etc.  Yup, unfortunately the list could go on forever…The good news is that the problems you are currently experiencing in your relationship don’t have to go on forever…..that’s all up to you.  Whatever you’re experiencing in your relationship has been placed at your feet for a reason.  The question is….are you gonna STAND UP, or sit down.  Truthfully, I believe you have the ability to climb your mountain no matter how hard it gets.  Just keep moving and eventually you’ll get to the other side.

So, You’ve Been Betrayed…Seven Steps To Survive It

/in , , /by

By Dr. Eileen Borris

You’ve met the person who makes you feel so special. It feels wonderful to be in love and now you are married hoping that this relationship will last your life time. Years have gone by and marriage has been good to you – so you thought. You begin to notice some different behaviors from you spouse which at first you ignore. For awhile you begin to wonder if something is going on but you brush it off. After all, the last thing you could ever imagine is that your spouse is having an affair. You don’t even want to go there. You begin to piece some things together and your spouse denies everything until the day comes when your spouse gets caught in all their lies.

 

For those of us who have experienced situations like this, we know that betrayal runs deep and can be devastating. Trust has been torn apart and the unthinkable has just happened. You life has just been thrown into a tail spin and probably your anxiety is making you feel sick. You may even want to get back at your spouse for the pain and humiliation you are now going though. Possibly the only thing you can think of is how to get even so your partner will hurt as much as you do. Is it possible to heal from the pain and humiliation of betrayal and adultery? Is it possible to forgive someone who has hurt you so badly?

 

Betrayal happens to everyone at some point in our lives. Betrayal can occur with a spouse, a family member, a best friend or a co-worker. Most people who experience betrayal saw the signs, but continue to give that person the benefit of the doubt. The reality is that people will fail you. Only 25% of all betrayal occurs with absolutely no forewarning. This is by far the most difficult type of betrayal because it leaves you shell shocked and devastated.

 

Betrayal is an interpersonal trauma which shatters assumptions about how we view life and the people close to us. Shattered assumptions leave us feeling as though our reality has been blow apart. When we are betrayed our feelings alternate between a sense of numbness and feelings of disbelief. We may also find ourselves behaving erratically and not like our usual selves. We feel victimized and our lives seem to be out of control.

 

So how do we heal from being betrayed? We begin by developing the skills to deal with strong negative emotions and to talk more effectively about the impact the betrayal had. This may require setting appropriate boundaries with each other, learning how to deal with emotions effectively and expressing how you feel about the infidelity. Next you look at both the current and the developmental issues within yourselves and within your relationship that may have contributed to the affair. Usually both parties have an idea as to why the affair may have happened but they are often unaware of the deeper or unacknowledged needs or motives from their partner’s past history which may be impacting on current behaviors. Gaining this new understanding often results in an increase in compassion for the partner and tolerance of his or her flaws. Finally, as a couple begins to understand why the affair happened, they need to evaluate the viability of their relationship, the potential for change, and their commitment to work together. This is when the process of forgiveness becomes the focus of intervention. No matter if you choose to stay or leave, because of other circumstances you may always be in some form of relationship. Therefore it is important to heal the emotional rift between yourselves as best you can. This is why forgiveness is so important. Let’s now look at how you can heal from being betrayed.

 

Step 1: Face Your Feelings

 

While every situation is unique there are certain things that we can do to lessen the pain. Once the betrayal is revealed an emotional roller coaster ride begins. You more than likely will get swept up in an emotional whirlwind of anger, fear and a sense of loss. Realize that you are not going crazy. Others have experienced the same pain and confusion and have survived. Remember that you are not alone. I want to assure you that what you are experiencing is a normal and an appropriate response to an acutely traumatizing experience. You’re reeling not only from the loss of the integrity of your relationship, but also from the loss of an illusion – that you’re special to your partner, and that the intimacy you thought you shared with that person would last forever. In the face of such shattering news, it would be strange if you didn’t feel lost. This may seem paradoxical but once we acknowledge and walk through our pain, only then does the pain begin to dissipate. This is where a counselor can really help. Talking to someone who listens to you and can be supportive in a healthy way can help you sort out what needs to happen.

 

Step 2: Gain control of you Emotions

 

As you try to unscramble what has happened to you, both your thoughts and actions may spin out of control. You’re likely to become more obsessive, dwelling on your partner’s lies, the details of the betrayal and the events that led to it. You may become more compulsive at work and other things you do, pushing harder and more frenetically to diffuse your anxiety. These distractions may serve as a temporary antidote to feelings of anxiety or emptiness, but if you want to put yourself back together, you need to slow down, confront your pain, figure out why the affair happened, and decide what you want to do about it. Instead of hanging on to the “story” of your betrayal, give yourself permission to heal. Look beneath your emotional reactions and ask yourself, what are my emotions really telling me? What needs to change and what can I do to take those necessary steps. You can not change what has happened to you but you do need to take responsibility for how you are handling the situation now.

 

Step 3: Ask yourself “Should I stay or Leave?”

 

Once the betrayal is out in the open, you will need to decide whether to work on rebuilding your relationship or end it. You will need to confront your ambivalence about whether to stay or leave the relationship. Which ever route you take, you need to chose it deliberately and not act on your feelings alone. Feelings, no matter how intense, are based on assumptions that are often highly subjective and may prove to be unrealistic, not useful or untrue. What feels right to you now you may later regret as an impulsive and unprocessed response that can’t be easily reversed. By exploring your options, you will be able to make a thoughtful decision based on your circumstances and needs. “What can I expect from love?” “Should I trust my feelings?” “How can I tell if my partner is right for me?” These are just some of the questions to be asking yourself. A counselor can help you sort out your answers.

 

Two of your options will take you down a dead end. The first option is to stay together and never address why the betrayal happened or work to assure that it will never happen again. This is a ticket to disaster, creating a larger gulf between you leading to a life of quiet desperation.

 

The second option is for you to stay together, with at least one of you continuing to be unfaithful, only to have the other continually fighting depression and building up enormous rage. Needless to say this is a very unhealthy option built on a lot of dysfunction and clearly indicating a lack of self-love. In all my experience as a therapist working with couples, I have never known a prolonged affair to do anything but undermine a couple’s efforts to seriously address the intimacy defects in their relationship.

 

This leaves only two viable alternatives. One is the decision to accept what has just happened and make a commitment to work on improving your relationship. The blind spot here is for the hurt partner to go in denial about the relationship because of an unwarranted attachment to the spouse that makes you want to stay together, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship is. What the betrayed person falls to see is how unloving your partner has been toward you, how poorly you continue to be treated, and how nothing you do will change this.

 

The other alternative is to say goodbye and begin building separate lives. The danger for the unfaithful partner is that you may be drawn blindly to your lover and insist on being with this person no matter what. We may call it romantic love but in actuality it is an intense but unwarranted attachment that the unfaithful partner may feel towards their new lover. Unfortunately this kind of attachment is likely to make the unfaithful partner leave their spouse no matter how satisfying your life had been together.

 

Step 4: Learn from the Affair

 

So often we blame our partner for what goes wrong and fail to see the link between our personal, lifelong conflicts and the conflicts in our relationship – between the damage we carry within ourselves and the damage we experience as a couple. In attempting to assign responsibility for the infidelity, hurt partners tend to think, “You were screwing around with someone else. Don’t blame me.” Unfaithful partners tend to think, “You weren’t there for me; you drove me away.” Both of you are likely to insist on your own, perhaps self-serving, certainly contradictory and often oversimplified versions of the same conflict.

 

Instead of blaming yourself for your partners’ betrayal, appreciate your worth, know you are enough just as you are, and recognize that the betrayal had little to do with you. On the flip side, if you’re stuck in a cycle of intense anger and blame towards your partner, you need to decide if you can start to let go and rebuild your relationship, or if it’s time to walk away and move on. To help you decide whether to stay or go, it is helpful to understand the origins of the betrayal. Most people who cheat and/or betray in some other way suffer from low self-esteem. They may have a high need for acceptance and approval. If your partner fits this description, you need to decide if you can deal with and heal from the betrayal or if you need to leave your partner in order to recover. Either way, it’s essential to stop taking the betrayal personally. Instead, free yourself from the blame game, live in the present, and move forward with productive, positive thoughts.

 

Step 5: Restore Trust

 

One of the most devastating aspects of betrayal is the break down of trust. Once trust is broken it can be very difficult to rebuild it and it must be earned back. To restore trust actions speak louder than words. Feeling safe becomes paramount here. If the person who has been betrayed can not feel safe, trust can not be built. The betrayer needs to demonstrate with concrete actions that “I’m committed to you. You are safe with me.” The person who has been hurt needs to open up to the possibility of trusting again and reinforce the efforts of the other person. You can’t punish nor be cold and distant forever, or our partner will give up trying to reconnect. You need to tell your partner what you need to give this person a way back into your life.

 

When I speak of trust I am not only referring to the belief that your partner will remain faithful to you. I am also talking about the trust essential to you both, that if you venture back into the relationship, your partner will address your grievances and not leave you regretting your decision to recommit.

 

While it’s easy to fall into the betrayal trap of massive mistrust towards your partner moving forward, be aware that projecting your fears will not help you heal. If you plan to stay with your partner, you’ll need to focus on rebuilding trust. If you can’t forgive, then don’t waste time staying in the relationship and trying to make your partner pay for their past transgressions. Instead, give yourself the opportunity to pick up the pieces and start again. Start by learning to trust yourself and your life choices. Instead of focusing on your ex and the betrayal (not to mention past relationship disappointments that may be adding up to a mistrust in yourself right about now), think about all the amazing people in your life who you can trust, including yourself. Make a list of ten fantastic choices and decisions you’ve made in the last few years. Reflect on the people who have kept your confidences, honored their word, and stuck by your side. Soon, you’ll be slaying the beast of betrayal and going from victim to victor. Plus, by slowly and steadily rebuilding trust with your partner (or simply with yourself if you leave the relationship), you’re better able to let go of fear, doubt, and insecurity.

 

The process of restoring trust can take a lifetime, but this doesn’t mean you will have to struggle with trust issues on a daily basis. Your relationship is likely to feel fragile and tentative for several years after the affair is revealed, but during that time you can expect to experience many reassuring, joyous moments as well. Trust is delicate and can only be earned over time through commitment and continued effort. With trust comes the knowledge that “I can give myself to you knowing that you won’t harm me – that you’ll support me in what matters to me. I can open myself up to love you because I feel safe with you and valued by you.

 

Step 6: Find Forgiveness

 

Forgiveness is considered the highest form of love that we are capable of giving. If this is true it is no wonder that we have such a hard time forgiving someone who has betrayed us and even in forgiving ourselves. To aid us in learning how to forgive it is helpful to understand what forgiveness means and what it’s not. Forgiveness is a voluntary act in which you make a decision to see a situation differently. Forgiveness helps us change the way we think so instead of seeing a situation through the lens of anger, guilt or fear we see it through the eyes of compassion and understanding. Instead of getting stuck in your own emotional baggage you can now see the situation differently with greater wisdom and understanding. That’s forgiveness.

 

I like to think of forgiveness as the science of the heart, a discipline of discovering all the ways of being that will extend your love to the world and discarding all the ways that do not. It is the accomplishment of mastery over a wound. Forgiveness is a process through which an injured person first fights off, then embraces, then conquers a situation that has nearly destroyed him or her. On a deeper level forgiveness is about changing the way we think which includes embracing our humanity and spiritual nature and the humanity and spiritual nature of all human beings.

 

Forgiveness is not about pardoning. It is about our inner emotional release. Forgiveness is not condoning. We do not have to accept someone else’s behavior in order to forgive. Forgiveness is not reconciliation. We can forgive someone, but it does not mean we have to reconcile. On a very practical level forgiveness is about lessening your own emotional burdens and healing the pain of your heart. Forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook. It is about your own inner healing.

 

It takes a generous spirit to understand that people do not always hurt us because they choose to. Oftentimes, they have no more control over their actions than we, their victims, do. Only from our wisdom and compassion can we recognize that when people harm us, it is their weaknesses that compel them to act. People who attack us act out of fear to protect themselves. Fear drives us into a hard shell. It shuts the door on our capacity to understand, empathize, and love, while allowing distrust and enmity to guard against being touched from the outside world. To compensate for this perception, we often harden ourselves so that others cannot gain access to our inner selves or discover our shortcomings.

 

Forgiveness is a process that happens over time. Before we can truly forgive, we need to realize that forgiveness is about our inner healing and not necessarily about behavioral change. Until we totally understand that we may needlessly deal with resistance about forgiving someone. We heal by remembering, by brining back into our awareness everything we have kept hidden from ourselves. It takes time to bring these pieces together. This process begins by telling our story and validating our feelings and experiences. Only after time and being in a safe environment can we allow ourselves to feel and express our strong emotions and to explore the issues concerning our pain and circumstances. As we become more aware and accepting of all our emotions as valid messengers about our interaction in the world, we begin our healing. If we are holding onto something, we need to recognize that, despite any other person’s role in creating the situation, we are responsible for what we do with our hurt. Forgiveness is about accepting responsibility for our emotional reactions to our hurt.

 

What may be harder than forgiving your partner is forgiving yourself. No matter if you are the one who has been hurt or you are the one who has hurt looking within yourself and dealing with the guilt of the past is no easy process. Yet, if we do not do this kind of soul searching and inner work our outer world may be superficial at best. If you have been betrayed you may be blaming yourself too harshly for your partner’s betrayal. You may have contributed to your partner’s dissatisfaction for example by getting buried in your career or in the needs of your children. When you take a look at these issues and take responsibility for them you will be able to let go of your guilt and move on.

 

If you are the betrayer, you are solely responsible for your deception and need to forgive yourself for the harm you have caused by violating your covenant of trust. You may also need to look at the hurt you have caused your children. By taking responsibility for your actions and making different choices you heal guilt and move forward. Remember that holding on to your guilt is a choice too. Self-forgiveness doesn’t relieve your of responsibility for your words or actions, but it releases you from self-contempt. With self-forgiveness, you bring compassion and understanding of who you are and why you acted the way you did, and reclaim what you most value in yourself.

Step 7: Hope and Renewal

 

Sometimes you need to take something apart to rebuild it in a stronger, more lasting way. Erik Erikson, a well known psychologist has said, “A crisis can be a turning point; by making you vulnerable it can heighten your potential for positive change. Sometimes it takes the threat of losing something to make you realize its value. Until you feel compelled to leave, you may not realize you are happy where you are and want to stay. Carl Jung, a famous psychoanalyst also commented, “Seldom or never does a marriage develop smoothly and without crisis. There is no birth of consciousness without pain.”

 

And so it is with intimate relationships. We often enter into them blindly swept up with passion and an idealized perception of who our partner is. Most of us are totally unprepared for what lies ahead, and ignorant of what is required of us to stay the course. We may think that we know what it takes but the truth is that most of us are clueless. The affair shocks us into reality. It also gives us the opportunity to try again.

 

 

Dr. Eileen Borris is an expert who works with individuals and couples to help heal the emotional pain associated with marriage and relationship problems, especially infidelity and betrayals. Contact her at erborris@cox.net.

Do You Have Trouble Keeping Your Mouth Shut?

/in , /by

By Mark Webb

Do You Have Trouble Keeping Your Mouth Shut?

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. If you answered yes to the title question I am sure you have realized the truth in this quote by Ambrose Bierce. In order to gain control over your tongue you must be determined to see things differently. People who lose their temper tend to view life in a negative and judgmental way. You have the ability to direct your mind away from angry and upset feelings. You need to realize that you can have peace of mind instead of conflict.

This article will cover a variety of mindsets and behaviors that will teach you how to keep your mouth shut when you are angry. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Remember that you have two ears and only one mouth. Use them in this proportion. Its better to be a good listener than to be a good speaker. Listen carefully to what the other person has to say. Take your time before giving them an answer.

Dont be double minded. You cant have peace of mind and conflict at the same time. Be clearly focused on the outcome that you want. (Example: I want to go to bed tonight feeling close to my partner.).

You cant be right and be married. You have to decide Do you want to be right or do you want to be married? Trying to be right will destroy the connection between you. Instead, strive to do the right thing.

Dont jump to conclusions. Slow down and think through the situation. Dont say the first thing that comes into your head. I often hear people say, I cannot keep from saying the thoughts I have. You can and you must. As I was writing this, my daughter reminded me of Thumpers quote in the movie, Bambi. If you cant say something nice dont say nothing at all. This is always good advice.

Dont overreact to criticism. Beneath the criticism is an underlying message. Criticism is a smoke screen for deeper feelings. I compare criticism to cheese on a mousetrap. What happens when the mouse takes the cheese? He gets his tail caught in the trap. Thats what happens when you take the bait of criticism. Dont take the bait. Listen for the underlying message.

Stay away from negative thoughts and statements like, I hate this! This is driving me crazy! I cant stand this! These types of statements are like throwing gasoline on a fire. You are making it much more intense. Replace these with positive declarations such as I can handle this. This is not that big of a deal. I have unshakeable peace of mind. Nothing bothers me. Your thoughts will direct your emotions. Choose positive thoughts that help you keep your peace.

If someone uses absolute terms like always, never, everybody, and nobody; dont take them literally. These are emotional terms. If your wife says You never take me anywhere. and you know thats not true; dont take it as a personal attack. Try and hear her underlying request that she needs to know she is special and she wants to spend some time with you.

Dont overreact and dont give advice too quickly. This only trains people not to be open with you.

Dont try to get in the last word. Its not worth the damage you could do by trying to win or be heard.

If you are angry repeat this scripture based verse in your head, In all things be self controlled. Say it over and over so that you don’t get derailed into an argument.

There is life and death in the spoken word. Make sure your words build people up versus tearing them down. Remember to breathe. Stick with the basics. When you are upset, take a few deep breaths. Strive to use an approach that promotes honor and respect. This can make the difference between a twenty minute argument and a 3 day war. Realize that your anger most likely is not going to help solve the problem and may actually make the matter worse. Calmness will help you get to the heart of the matter. This leads to conflict resolution. Trying to be right or show your might will lead to conflict.  Staying connected is more important than making your point.

The only one who is responsible for the way your life works out is you. You cannot change the past, but you can take responsibility for your future. All it takes is a decision. Decide to live a life of discipline rather than one of regret. Remember that discipline weighs ounces and regret weighs tons. Develop the power of a tamed tongue.

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be a Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships?. Sign up for Mark Webbs Relationship Strategies Ezine ($100 value). Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com

Marriage Wisdom: The BEST Reaction To An Angry Spouse? Acknowledge Their Feelings BEFORE Expressing Your Point Of View

/in , /by

By Marc Sadoff

The need to defend oneself is a powerful reflex. So powerful that it makes people say things that only gets them into more trouble. Showing that you see how you may be responsible for causing your partner’s hurt or anger and that you care about it enough to do something goes against our natural instinct to protect ourselves.

I saw a special on Discovery cable about the training of Secret Service agents who protect the President. The head of training the agents said that when most people hear a gunshot they have a natural reflex to move away from the sound of the shot. He saw one of his difficult tasks as retraining his agents to MOVE TOWARD the sound so the agent could quickly disarm the assassin or protect the president.

When a person feels attacked by their partner the most natural human response is to defend oneself. Defending can be through defensive arguments, by withdrawal or by attacking back. The goal of the First Pants…then Shoes method is to respond to the anger of another without making things worse by defending yourself right off the bat. You can always defend yourself later. But once you’ve begun defending the other person legitimately feels you are not listening or that you don’t care.

We call that ‘Putting on your shoes before your pants.’

At some time growing up you probably learned that if you put your shoes on before you put on your pants, then putting on your pants becomes a difficult, if not impossible task. We learn this sequence and rarely make the mistake of reversing the order later in life; because of the difficulty that it creates.

The shoes in our analogy represents defending oneself by making excuses or trying to get our point of view heard first. The metaphor of ‘First Pants …then Shoes’ reflects the idea that anger can be handled better for all concerned if we deal with it in a certain order.

The first instinct is to defend yourself. But instead you respond to your partner in a way that shows that you are responsible and that you care about how she was affected. This means that when you hear your partner’s angry offended tone of voice your first you MOVE TOWARD THE ANGER in a way that shows you’re interested in addressing it. Yeah, relationships are tough. This almost makes the Secret Service Training look attractive, doesn’t it?

Without accepting all the blame can you see where maybe you made a small mistake. Are you even 2% responsible for the problem and how that affects your partner? Your tone of voice? Your assumptions?….

Is it possible that you were insensitive, fearful, dishonest, mean or selfish? Are you capable of saying any of these things about yourself? Are you capable of saying these things before you get the other to understand your point of view?

For example: Kevin is late again in coming home from the office. Kevin knows that his wife , Shonda, has reason to be upset that he was late for dinner, but was so irritated by the tone of her scolding voice that he failed to acknowledge her feelings and instead defended himself by saying angrily “It’s not so big a deal. You’ve been late, before too!” which only made her more mad.

If he had first acknowledged that indeed he was late and showed that he understood how he affected her, he could then proceed to talk about being irritated by her tone of voice. She would not be so infuriated at him for invalidating her feelings that perhaps she would then be willing to listen to his feelings about being being talked to in a scolding manner.

The emphasis here is on the sequence of acknowledging the other’s feelings before getting the other to understand YOUR point of view. That means listening and reflecting feelings of your partner, even when you believe that the thoughts, those feelings are based on, are inaccurate.

Kevin demonstrates this if he says “I’m sorry that my being late again hurt you.”; even when he knows that the accident on the freeway coming home from work is an understandable excuse. Shonda would rather hear that he’s concerned with her experience than that he’s got a good excuse.

The ‘First Pants then Shoes’ technique deals first with the issue of responsibility. First acknowledge that your behavior affected the other person, then defend yourself by explaining your side. Isn’t it true that Kevin’s history of being late and the fact that he is late again is the cause of Shonda’s hurt and angry feelings? What does Kevin lose by simply acknowledging this fact? He’ll have time to give his reasons later. If he’s more concerned with being right than with how his wife feels he will be right, but he will also be alone. He’s distanced Shonda by showing her that it was more important to defend himself than to show that he cares about how she felt.

If he fails to acknowledge how it makes sense for Shonda to be upset he’ll spend hours arguing with her, when he could be done with the conflict in three minutes!!

Picture your most comfortable pair of jeans or slacks. Now see the words ‘I did something’ embossed on the right pant leg and the word “I understand how that could affect you.” embossed on on the left pant leg. The shoes represent trying to get the other to see your viewpoint, rationale and feelings about a situation first. Now go ahead and put your shoes on first. Yes, they go on! “Halleleuia! I got my excuse out there first. I made sure that my excuse was loudly proclaimed. Now that I’ve explained myself she’ll stop hammering me won’t she? I’ll show her that I care about her feelings AFTER I exonerate myself. Oh sure, I care about what you went through Shonda.” Now try getting your pants on (showing her that you’re aware your behavior affected her and that you care). It’s very difficult to do. Once Shonda had to fight to get her feelings heard she becomes even harder for Kevin to console. She doesn’t want to fight to have her feelings heard.

This is a shame because Kevin actually does care about Shonda’s feelings… He was just more interested in defending himself. He put on his shoes first. It’s just the sequence! Show you understand first..then defend, or present your point of view.

It sounds simple doesn’t it? It is simple. It’s just not easy. But, it can be done.

BLAM Fam: How important is it to “put on your pants before your shoes” when dealing with your angry spouse? Thoughts???

Marc Sadoff has been a psychotherapist for over 25 years treating people with depression, anxiety and posttraumatic stress disorders. Twenty-two years ago he began his work in domestic violence men’s groups and continues to co-facilitate a weekly group for abusive men in Los Angeles, CA. Visit him at Realhope.com

Working Through Stress As A Couple

/in /by

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

“Stress impacts our love relationships more than we are aware of or acknowledge,” according to Judy Ford, a licensed clinical social worker and author of Every Day Love: The Delicate Art of Caring for Each Other. Part of the problem is that stress is entrenched in our everyday. “Stress has become such a normal part of daily life that partners become immune to the symptoms and warning signs,” she said.

Ignoring stress only ignites it. “Even when a couple tries to ignore stress, like static in the air, it is felt and absorbed.” If partners do talk about being stressed, they may not know what to do about it, Ford added.

Also, “stress is contagious.” Ford compared stress to a game of ping-pong, where the tension “bounces back and forth between partners.” Partners become both unable to relax and enjoy each other, she said. Stress “shows up in our actions, our behavior, and in both verbal and non-verbal communications,” so it’s bound to not only affect both partners but also their relationship. “Stressed-out couples quarrel and fight more often, withdraw from each other, feel disconnected, sad, frustrated, angry.” Ongoing unchecked stress can create bigger problems. “Long-term stress can turn to depression and isolation resulting in a frozen and distant relationship.”

Below, Ford shares her advice on spotting stress, comforting your partner and overcoming stress as a couple.

1. Recognize stress symptoms.

According to Ford, “Couples often become so accustomed to unchecked stress that they barely recognize and often overlook the destructive ramifications.” So how do you know when your partner (or you) is stressed? Ford listed these straightforward signs of stress:

  • “one or both partners are snappy, cranky, withdrawn, moody, pouty, teary, ornery, angry, restless, hyper, agitated, overly excited.
  • one or both partners are self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, food, etc.”

2. Approach your partner.

If you see signs of stress, ask your partner what’s going on in a kind and compassionate way. It could be as simple as: ““Are you having a difficult day, honey? Come sit by me and tell me all about it,” Ford said.

3. Listen.

“We want our partner to understand and when we are listened, we feel cared for,” Ford said. Keep in mind that listening is a skill, and one that few people actually do well. It’s the same with communicating with your partner. To learn more, read this piece on how partners can become active listeners and better speakers.

4. Comfort first.

Many partners forget to console their significant other and instead try to problem solve. But, as Ford said, “Comfort each other first, problem solve second.” That’s because your partner might be looking for stress relief rather than a nitty-gritty brainstorming session. Just hugging and gently touching your partner can provide that relief.

5. Get active together.

Participating in physical activities is one of the best ways to reduce stress. Plus, if you’re engaging in new activities, it can reignite your relationship. (Here’s more on boosting the passion in your relationship.)

CLICK HERE to read more.

I Ain’t Feelin’ My Husband BECAUSE He Has NO HUSTLE!!!!

/in , , /by


VIDEO: I met my husband online. I was living in the UK at the time and he was in the USA, where he was born and raised. He wanted to be the one to pay for mine and my daughter’s plane tickets, while I sold my furniture and books, so that I could sort out the other expenses. As we got nearer the date for us to fly over to the USA, my then boyfriend, was struggling extremely to raise the money. Please bear in mind that his only source of income was selling books. He kept giving me his word and sharing his plans for the next set date to fly, and then the next, but he was just not putting in the time or the effort to actually go out and sell those books. It burns me to say that I saw those red flags to wait and see if this man was a diligent one, who could take care of business. Cutting a long story short, after help from others, we arrived in the USA. We were only supposed to live with his grandma for two weeks, and then move into our own place which his uncle was giving up. Well, that plan fell through, and my husband didn’t have a plan b, and still his only source of income was the books. We ended up staying at his grandma’s for six weeks and everyday we argued, even violently at times because he refused to get a second job so that we could eat, be clothed, and get our own place. This caused much war with his family getting involved, and we were kicked out of Grandma’s home. After much arguing, he finally applied for a previous job, and worked only one week, before deciding that he is going to drop it and return to selling literature. We are now living with friends, and we have no money for food, clothing and certainly nothing to get our own apartment. I have pushed and pushed him to go out there and apply for jobs, and he has made the least attempts, but his thing is is that God has called him to sell Christian books! But the man wakes up any hour of the day, and leaves in the afternoon/evening, and expects to get a full day’s wage!!! My twelve year old daughter and I are in dire straits. I told him that we are returning to the UK in March, and everyone has told me don’t do it, but at least that way I can work and support me and my child. Our arguments are escalating and affecting everyone around. I have come to the point where I feel nothing but resentment to him. I don’t want him to touch me; I don’t want to even sleep in the same bed as him, and my respect for him and his for me has totally died. I am so sorry that this is long winded. I have given up on his promises and being made to feel bad by his friends and family for expecting my husband to go get a job and support his family. I cry everyday, and I feel that he is slowing me down, and suffocating the hard working, ambitious woman that I am. What advice would you give?

Your Method Is Messing Up Your Marriage. When Telling The Truth Doesn’t Work.

/in , , /by

By Anna Kleimer

Because we see truth through the filter of our beliefs, each of us sees the truth differently and those differences can lead to misunderstandings or worse, lead us to live unfulfilled lives.

There are three crucial questions to ask before speaking the truth. These questions will make your life and the lives of those around you more peaceful and much, much happier, enabling you to live in charge of your life.

Truth Question Number One: is the “truth” in fact true? It may be a lie or it may be your perception, version or impression of the truth. It may be something which sounds good or right, or something that you believe ought to be the truth, but is it in fact “a truth” of the universe? If it is not “the truth,” then there is no reason to ever say it.

Truth Question Number Two: is it a truth that really has to be said? If you follow this rule, you will reduce the number of problems arising out of telling the truth by at least 50%. If telling the truth will change you and no one else, tell yourself and be quiet. If telling the truth will change you in a positive manner and not hurt someone else, by all means tell it. But if telling the truth is going to have no more effect than writing on water, there is no need to say it. If telling the truth has no beneficial outcome other than for you to hear the sound of your own voice, there is no need to say it, because you already know what your voice sounds like.

Truth Question Number Three: can the truth be said and heard in a kind and loving manner? Following this rule will save you the remaining problems that arise from telling the truth. It is not sufficient that the truth be told, it must be told kindly and lovingly. The listener also needs to be in a time and place that the truth can be heard, otherwise it will be rejected, and rejected truth is no truth at all.

Use the three truth questions to enrich and enhance your life so you can live your life in peace and harmony. Consider the following example:

Sharon and David were a power couple. Everything they did they did well. They were not driven – they were supercharged. Each of them was extremely successful in business. They each had founded their own companies and grown them into multi-million dollar enterprises. They were hard-driving, focused, dictatorial. Being right was an important part of their personalities, and with their remarkable minds and memories they usually were right.

For both Sharon and David being right and telling the truth were the same. They were always improving the world by correcting everything and everybody around them. If someone told a story and said it happened on Monday when the truth was it happened on Tuesday, Sharon and David would immediately correct the speaker. It was irrelevant to them if the day of the story was important or not. Sharon and David never even understood the harm they were causing by their constant truthfulness.

Between themselves they failed to show each other kindness or gentleness. Only the “truth” was important. If Sharon asked how she looked in a particular dress, David would tell his truth no matter how hurtful it was. When David asked Sharon for her opinion on his appearance she would tell her truth. Her truths were as hurtful and painful as David’s truths.

When it came to their businesses, they each took a no-holds-barred approach. The cruelty of their remarks to each other and business associates was appalling. Their intellectual brilliance could not make up for the hurtfulness of their approach to truth-telling. Their work and their marriage became a series of one step forward and two steps backward exercises. Their marriage was a war of constant correction, ridicule, berating and belittling, all in the name of truth telling.

Once Sharon and David agreed to listen to others, to truly understand the impact their words were having, they began to realize the importance of kindness when telling the truth. It took a lot of hard work and time on their part, but they are happy they have changed. Their businesses are better than ever. More importantly, they have a warm, affectionate and loving marriage, a marriage they each fully support and enjoy.

BLAM Fam: Change is hard but are you willing to honestly look at how you “keep it real” or tell the truth in your relationship and make changes where you know you need to?

Art and Anna Kleimer are certified professional coaches with an international practice, and authors of Power Living, Living Your Life, Liberty and Happiness.

I Think My Relationship Can Survive A Fist Fight

/in , /by


VIDEO: At some point in our relationship we are all confronted with challenges and some situations are more serious than others. In this video we touch on a really serious topic based on a question that came in where a girlfriend cut her boyfriend because he put his hands on her. She feels like everyone around her is trying to keep her and her boyfriend apart rather than help them. She asks Why don’t our families try to help us instead of saying things like “Women die every day from Domestic Violence blah, blah, blah”. (Those are her words, not ours) Listen in as we give her honest feedback and leave a comment with your perspective and advice for this young lady.

 ——————————————————–

 CLICK HERE for INDIVIDUAL or COUPLES COACHING

CLICK HERE to get your RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENT

CLICK HERE to have an opportunity to TELL YOUR STORY ABOUT INFIDELITY ON NATIONAL T.V.

CLICK HERE to learn how to improve the quality of your SEX & INTIMACY

CLICK HERE to get our incredible COMMUNICATION PACKAGE so you can connect like you deserve to.

Buy Now

Buy Now