Viewer Question: My question is how do I improve my marriage. Me and my husband are totally different. He is “‘hood””I am suurb. He is heardheaded and so am I. He is a neat freak, I am messy marvin. We butt heads a lot. I want to get to the point where we can be on cruise control. Is that possible when we are so different?
BLAM Fam what do you think?
By Heidi Reeder, Ph.D
You’re standing on the lot of a car dealership when your spouse’s eyes light on a silver convertible. Last weekend after a tense discussion, he reluctantly agreed to trade in the Jeep for something family safe. Now, as if being pulled in by a tracker beam, your spouse moves toward an MX-5. You follow him, saying:
“You’ve done this before and you’re doing it again, only thinking of yourself. My position, as was made clear last weekend, is to buy the Nissan.”
If this situation represents an ongoing conflict, this statement probably won’t be taken too well. It won’t lead to smart conflict management or take the discussion in a positive direction. Language choices matter, and nowhere is that more true than during a conflict. In this example, the speaker’s language shows a focus on the past, a separation between herself and her spouse, and a rigid position.
As a 15-year instructor of a conflict management course, I have found three words that have the capacity to move conflict in a positive direction. These words are future, together, and interests.
Future
All too often we try to fix the past, but in a conflict, language that focuses on the past can take us in a downward spiral, and away from solutions.
“In the past when you chose the car, we ended up with a lemon.”
“In the past we when we bought a car, we didn’t even have enough money.”
Talking about what we want for the future is far more productive.
“In the future, I’d like us to make joint decisions.”
“In the future, I’d like a car we can pay off quickly.”
Future talk clarifies and empowers. Try using language that reveals what you want for the future instead of what should have been in the past.
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By Zynnyme Kelly Higdon & Miranda Palmer
Before you read on, you should know I love and I loathe Facebook. I use Facebook for personal and business reasons. It has replaced email for me in a lot of ways and it is a great avenue to showcase pictures of the family to relatives that are far away. But, it is also a cause of a lot of relationship issues that I see in my office.
From cheating online to lamenting over a break up that has moved on — I hear about how Facebook has supposedly ruined their marriage or their dating relationship. But guess what? Facebook didn’t do anything. The responsibility here lies on the people involved … not the technology. Here are some quick tips for you to remember on how to keep your relationship offline and healthy. It all starts with boundaries.
1. Don’t fight. This is awkward. Really. When I see two friends go at each other, even if it is short sarcastic remarks, you can still get a sense that there is more to it than just joking. Not fighting on your Facebook page isn’t just about keeping others from feeling uncomfortable. That is secondary to the most important issue — that it isn’t fair fighting.
Fighting online may feel safer, but that is because you aren’t forced to look at each other or to be vulnerable. It is a way to avoid the intensity. Avoidance doesn’t resolve the issue. What I don’t see after my friends fight online is the fight that occurs at home and then the resolution to the fight. I am left wondering, “Are they getting along now?” “Should I say something?”
2. Nice pictures please. The risqué photos of your partner and the comments about how awesome she was in bed last night — another thing that nobody wants to see. Be aware of how you are portraying your relationship to the world. People can copy and save your pictures from Facebook with ease.
Do you want that picture shared with everyone, including your mother? Intimacy is an important part of any relationship. Having fun with your intimacy is also important. However, sharing the intimate details of your relationship has the opposite effect and can leave a lasting impression on others.
3. Watch your tagging. You know when you go to a party and tag who you are with? Respect if your partner wants to be tagged or not. We all have different values of privacy, so check with your partner and see if it is okay with them first.
Maybe you are dating but haven’t shared it to everyone yet. That’s cool, but don’t tag each other in everything you are doing if you want to keep it private.
4. Relationship Status Updates. If you don’t want to be asked about your relationship, stop putting the status on your profile. You don’t even have to fill that out. I once saw a couple, married, break up and get back together and then go to “its complicated” several times over the course of a few months.
I asked one of the people about the status and their response was, “Oh I don’t want to talk about it.” Really?You don’t want to talk about it but you want everyone to see it? Sometimes people put this on their profile as a way to dig at their partner (see the above on not fighting).
5. Flirt offline. It can be fun to flirt on your partners’ profile, but don’t let it stop there! It is even more meaningful and lasting to have fun in person, to show love and affection, instead of just in the virtual world where you are safe and it is harder to feel rejected.
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By David Roppo
Without question, money problems are at the root of a substantial number of marital crises. In fact, according to most sources this issue ranks within the top 4 reasons for divorce – sharing the stage with the likes of infidelity, communication and emotional abuse. And typically, the mainstream approach to overcoming this dilemma has been to manage it on the surface with the following advice:
Now, I wouldn’t dispute the possibility that these common sense recommendations could prove to be helpful when it comes to couples fighting about money. However, none of them will amount to a hill of beans if you don’t fix the root of the problem! You see, most marital issues are merely a symptom of a much larger underlying problem. Take infidelity for example. The reason most people cheat on their partner is the loss of an emotional connection caused by fears, insecurities and low self-esteem. Another example would be lack of communication. People don’t communicate with their partner as a result of their critical, argumentative, smothering, clingy, needy or controlling behavior. Plain and simple, they don’t want to be around that behavior. Therefore, they withdrawal and the communication diminishes or ceases altogether.
Subsequently, money problems are no exception! Sure, when the wallet gets a bit lighter or there’s not enough money in the account to pay the bills because of a poor economy, the situation may be exacerbated or inflamed. But, two partners that are well grounded and aren’t struggling with fears and self-limiting beliefs will usually work through those tough times. At the end of the day, if spending money matters in a relationship, perhaps you’re not spending enough emotional currency on the things that matter most. Are you struggling with fears and insecurities? Do you feel jealous or do you feel like your losing control of your relationship when your partner spends money on him or herself? Or, do you feel slighted because your partner doesn’t spend enough time with you or give you the attention you desire? Hence, you become angry when they spend money on themselves? Does your partner attempt to control you and/or your relationship through financial means? Perhaps your partner has a fear of abandonment or a fear of losing control. Bottom line, there’s usually an underlying issue that causes most couples to fight about money. However, there is one exception to the rule – compulsive shopping or addictive behavior. And, that is another matter altogether.
In conclusion, if you want to eliminate the financial squabbles in your relationship, you must correct the underlying fears and insecurities. To get rid of a bad emotional weed, don’t just prune the leaves; pull it out by the root!
Good luck and great love,
David Roppo is the founder of Relationship Rehab for Women, author, coach and pioneer of ‘The Secret Principles to Saving a Relationship.
By Donna M. White, LMHC CACP
Research shows shift work has a negative effect on health, relationships, marriages and children, and increases rates of separation and divorce. When partners work different shifts there is often little face-to-face interaction. It becomes difficult to plan any family activities, maintain healthy communication, and sometimes even a regular sex life.
In today’s economy, more and more unemployed people are finding it increasingly difficult to find work. As a result, many people are taking whatever jobs they can find — even undesirable jobs such as shift work.
Shift work jobs can leave both partners with very different feelings. For example, the partner working the job may experience feelings of guilt regarding being away from the home. They may feel frustrated and “left out” due to being unable to participate in particular events or family time. This worker also may experience increased stress, feelings of overwhelm, and even irritability due to inconsistent sleep patterns combined with other emotions.
On the other hand, the other partner with more regular hours may experience feelings of loneliness. If there are children or others to be cared for in the home, this partner may feel a greater sense of responsibility and accountability. These feelings may lead to resentment and frustration.
Shift work may not be the ideal way of working or living, but it may be necessary to make ends meet or to keep employment. However, even with all of the negative things stated, there is hope.
If you and your partner work different shifts, there are ways to ensure you still maintain a happy and healthy relationship. Consider the following tips:
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Viewer Letter: I’ve never written to anyone for advise but I am looking for an unbiased answer to a complicated situation. I’ve been married 3 years and these 3 years have been the worst time of my life. When I tell you what is going on and all that has happened you are going to look at this letter and shake your head. Let me break it down from start to finish two months before getting married my mother was diagnosed with cancer so we moved my parents up to where we live to make sure she was receiving proper treatment. With that my father had dementia so I was taking care of that issue as well of course stress on a newly married couple. So this went on for 7 months until all was well. A month after my parents left I was fired from my 6-figure job through the grace of God I found another one still stressful. Three months later a storm came through and blew the roof off of our condo in which our place was completely destroyed so we were displaced for 9 months more stress. Two months after the storm my father passed away. Three months after that I found out my husband was having inappropriate conversation with several women which I forgave him. In May of this year I found out that my husband had a fling (he said he only received oral sex – yeah right) with a co-worker twice at his job that I got him through my best friend who is his boss like a fool I stayed again yes we went to counseling which did not help that much. Last week we found out that it’s a possibility that neither one of us can conceive a child naturally which points the arrow at his 11 year old son he has by another woman that he may not be the father to this child because his infertility looks to be genetic. So after 3 years of this I’m deflated, self-esteem is shot (mind you I never had issues with self-esteem ever), I honestly don’t know what to do or where to go it’s like there is a black cloud over this relationship. I’m checking his phone, I’m tracking his every move I’m so unsure of where this is even going. Don’t get me wrong I love my husband but these first three years have already beat me to a pulp the stress is overwhelming and is affecting us seriously. I real need help or Prozac. *Sorry for any typos or incorrect use of the English language*.
Lost in the Abyss of Marriage
VIDEO: What do you do when you feel like you’ve done all you can do in your relationship? Is it time to walk away? How can you continue to work when you feel like you’re the only one working on your relationship? Do you walk away? Just because you feel something doesn’t necessarily make it so. Often times there is more you can do; it just requires you to stretch beyond your comfort zone just a little bit more. Listen in to see just what “stretching beyond your comfort zone” looks like.
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By Ruth Purple
The beliefs and rules you live by in life play a huge factor in how you engage in relationships. Your relationship is succeeding or failing based on those beliefs and rules. Many of the beliefs you have are limiting and are steering you in the wrong direction. It’s time to break free from those beliefs, break free from the wrong rules and bad relationship advice. In case you’re wondering what some of those limiting beliefs look like…check out these HAZARDOUS love tips below.
Relationship Advice #1: “Your romantic affair would be better if you straighten your partner out.” Never entrap your mind believing that if you change your partner; your togetherness will be great. Once and for all, you have to let go of the childish notion that other people are responsible for your own happiness.
Relationship Advice #2: “There is a right way and a wrong way to make your love life successful.” Each person is unique and when two unique individuals come together, it creates a very special and distinct bonding.
There is no definite way or “rule” to have a successful love-affair.
Relationship Advice #3: “A deep and loving affair has nothing to do with sex.” Believing that sex is unimportant is detrimental to your relationship. Sex is what makes your bond special. It takes you to a deep level of intimacy. It takes you away from your daily pressures. Give time to savor and enjoy this gift in your romantic affair.
Relationship Advice #4: “A successful togetherness allows you to vent all your feelings.” Having the privilege to pour your heart- out in a relationship is truly fulfilling, but when you utter something out in the peak of your anger, then it can be a totally different thing.
You are taking a risk of hurting your romance permanently. Uncensored venting has caused so many couples to break-up because one partner cannot forgive what the other partner has said during the heat of the moment. When you are angry, get out and steam-out. Bite your tongue before you say something that you might regret for the rest of your life.
Relationship Advice #5: “A successful relationship is a peaceful one.” Everybody argues, even the most emotionally stable couple. Arguing can actually be healthy, as long as it’s approached properly. It can release tension and deep-seated issues and inculcate a sense of trust knowing that you can share your deep-seated issues without being embarrassed or forsaken. So don’t worry about how many times you argue, instead worry about how you argue. When you argue, focus on the issue at hand and never attack your partner. And be sure to have a closure after each argument, you may agree to disagree, but be sure that both of you achieved closure.
Relationship Advice #6: “A successful togetherness requires great romance.” Yes, your love-affair should have enough romance to last you a lifetime. But you have to be realistic enough to know that the wild passion of romance occurs only in the first phase of the relationship (honeymoon stage), after a while it matures into a more secure, deep kind of love. It doesn’t mean that when the wild passion had fade- away there is something wrong with your togetherness. It just simply means that you are moving into another higher level of intimacy. You can still experience that “wild passion” but not as often as before.
There are many “how to’s” out there that tell you what to do and not what to do, but I have always believed that each relationship is special and they should only do what works for them. Do not be afraid to explore and have fun at the same time.
The author of this article, Ruth Purple , is a Relationship and Dating Expert. You can check out more of her work at www.relazine.com
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Marlo and Jack have been married for twelve years and have two young children. Marlo and Jack each state that they love each other, yet Marlo does not feel loved by Jack, while Jack states that he is content with the relationship.
In their relationship system, Marlo tends to be the caretaker, while Jack is the taker. Marlo often thinks about what would please Jack, while Jack rarely thinks about what Marlo wants or feels.
What should Marlo do? Should she leave Jack, even though she loves him? Should she continue to try to get him to care about her, which has never worked? These are the questions Marlo had for me when she had a counseling session with me on the phone.
Marlo was quite surprised when I told her that neither action was warranted at this time.
“Marlo,” I said to her, “there is a good possibility that the way Jack treats you is a mirror of how you treat yourself. How often do you think about what you want or feel?”
“Not very often. I usually think more about Jack and my kids than I do about myself. I think it’s selfish to think about myself. I want to be loving, not selfish.”
Marlo was confused between selfishness and self-responsibility. Actually, in their relationship, Jack was the selfish one in expecting Marlo to give herself up to take responsibility for his feelings and needs. By not caring about her own feelings and needs, Marlo was training her children to be selfish as well. They were already learning to blame her for their feelings and expect her to give herself up for them. As soon as Jack or the children would get angry or withdraw, Marlo would feel guilty and responsible and give herself up to do what they wanted.
Marlo would not know whether or not Jack really loved her until she started to love herself. What if she left him and met another man? I assured her that the same thing would eventually happen if she remained a caretaker, because people usually end up treating us the way we treat ourselves.
“So what do I do?” asked Marlo. “I’m so used to taking care of everyone else. I have no idea how to take care of myself.”
“Imagine that your feelings and needs are a small child that you’ve just adopted. What would you do to help her begin to feel loved?”
“Well, I would spend time with her, and listen to her, and hold her. I would let her know that I’m here and not going away. I would do lots of things to help her feel safe and loved.”
“Exactly!” I stated. “This is what you need to start to do for yourself. Keep imagining that your own feelings are a small child and you are the parent of this child. You really do know how to be loving – it’s just that you’ve never thought about being loving to yourself. Take all that you’ve learned about giving to others and now give some of it to yourself.”
Then we moved on to another subject. “Marlo, do you have a source of spiritual guidance you turn to?”
“Yes,” she replied. “I’m a Christian and I turn to Jesus.”
“Good,” I said. “Now you need to start asking Jesus for information regarding the loving action toward yourself. You do this by asking a question, such as, ‘Jesus, what would the loving action be toward myself when Jack is angry with me?’ or ‘What is in my highest good when my children are being demanding or disrespectful toward me?’ Then imagine what Jesus might say to you. You might have to make it up for awhile, but after awhile you will begin to experience that Jesus is actually answering you. You will begin to experience two-way communication between you and Jesus. Are you willing to try this?”
Marlo was willing. I cautioned her that Jack and her children might be upset with her for awhile, because they were used to her being a caretaker, but that if they really loved her and wanted her to be happy, they would end up supporting her in loving herself.
“But what if Jack just stays mad?” she asked.
“Well, then you can decide what is in your highest good. But until you are loving to yourself, you will not know the truth about Jack. Most of the people I’ve worked with have found that when they are loving to themselves long enough, their whole relationship improves. I can’t guarantee it, but isn’t it worth a try, rather than just giving up?”
“Yes, I don’t really want to leave Jack. I’m excited about this. I finally have some hope for our relationship!”
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her at innerbonding.com.
By John Gatens
There are some things you can do to help save your marriage no matter how messed up it is. Unfortunately, the majority of you who are reading this right now (and say you want to save your marriage) WON’T put this advice into action.
I’m talking about common sense ideas that are easy to implement, and won’t cost much in the way of money and again most people won’t try them, not even to save their marriage. Let’s see where you fall…
1) The first tip is maybe not as simple as it sounds. Just stop arguing.
When your partner says or does something that irritates you, you might want to correct them, or become moody or grumpy. You have to learn to let it go. If you can do this, you’re doing yourself and your partner a favour. When one of you learns to let things go, the other one is likely to follow suit. Don’t wait for your partner to do this.
You have to be the one to take the lead and learn to let things go. It’s possible your partner might be considering the same action, but no matter how badly both people want to save the marriage, usually only one of them takes the lead in trying to keep the peace. You should consider that it’s not really that important to be right all the time, it’s more important to be happy. If you have decided that you want to try and save the marriage, then that’s more important than always being right about everything, and highlighting your partner’s mistakes.
2) Start dating again.
Even if you’re not actually going out together, you should try to approach your relationship as it was in the early days, when you just started dating. If you have been in a long term relationship, this may not be easy, but it can be beneficial in helping to save the marriage.
When you first started dating and everything in the relationship was new, it was more exciting, and although your partner had faults, you either ignored them or endeared yourself to them. After a while the excitement dies down. and it’e easy to become bored. Familiarity is fine, but you don’t want everything to become boring and predictable. Surprise your partner with a special night out, or a surprise gift (corny, I know) but it can help lighten the mood and relive the tension.
3) Try and love your partner in the way he or she wants to be loved.
You should know the things that make your partner happy, and do them whenever possible. It may be a simple thing, for instance, they may like to be told often that you love them. Whatever it is, make the effort to do what makes them happy, and make them feel cherished.
4) Be affectionate in a physical sense.
No matter how long you’ve been together, love and marriage is not just about sex, even though that may be important. One of the best ways of keeping your marriage alive, is with romance. A surprise hug or kiss at any time of the day for no reason at all, is very powerful, and worth more than a thousand words.
