Is Gender Stereotyping Damaging Your Relationship?

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By Dr. Lisa Firestone

Sexual stereotypes are everywhere. We see them in commercials, where happy moms dance around their homes in celebration of a functional mop. We see them in movies, where stoic male heroes are still rescuing clueless heroines. We see them on sitcoms, where single women dream of getting their boyfriends to settle down, and lazy husbands just want to watch sports.

It’s true that in recent years we’ve made advances to establish equality between the sexes. Society is reflecting fewer attitudes that support discrimination and inequality between men and women, and most of us espouse a point of view that is liberated from old sexual prejudices that once bordered on racial bigotry. However, even though we are liberated in our beliefs and attitudes, many of our actions are still influenced by misconceptions about men and women that have been passed down through generations. In spite of their stated values, a surprising number of couples relate to each other based on stereotypical views of the sexes.

It’s easy for us to observe the ways the media is guilty of exploiting the differences between men and women and of exaggerating stereotypes to sell products. Yet, it’s considerably harder for us to identify the way our own preconceptions about gender are impacting our interpersonal relationships.

Many of us learn prejudicial attitudes at an early age from observing the stereotypical roles that people in our families assume. As we progress through school, these attitudes are reinforced by our classmates and peers. They are also supported by the unspoken biases of our teachers and by the arrangement of educational programs. Sadly, many men and women buy into the stereotypic views of themselves. As a result they are not only the victims of these prejudices but they are co-conspirators in perpetuating the very attitudes that are destructive to them and limit them in their lives and their relationships. In many small and not-so-small ways, people bring these distortions into their relationships.

For example, a woman described how she’d always thought of her husband as strong, solid, and unemotional. At times, she felt this observation to be a source of security. Other times, she felt critical toward her husband, perceiving him as cold or uncaring. Then, one day, her husband got sick and needed to be taken care of. In this state, he became more expressive of his emotions. The woman found herself feeling a mixed sense of relief at his openness and anger at his perceived “weakness.” This contradiction of her reactions made her aware of how the stereotype she had of men had affected the way she related to her husband. Her attitude fit with her husband’s own belief that men aren’t supposed to show emotion. By acting out old attitudes and false beliefs they’d been taught early in life, neither the husband nor his wife were allowing each other to fully be themselves.

Sexual stereotypes confuse people’s thinking about the differences between men and women. These timeworn attitudes overstate the qualities that distinguish men and women, and place the two sexes in artificial categories. Typical stereotypes of men involve them being tough, powerful, unfeeling, insensitive, and logical. Personally, they are afraid to commit or form an attachment and are driven by sexuality. Professionally, they are career-driven and capable. Typical stereotypes of women involve them being helpless, emotional, sensitive, unstable, and irrational. Personally, women can easily form deep emotional attachments and are less interested in sex. Professionally, they are less interested in their careers and more driven toward marriage and motherhood. These traits may seem black and white or exaggerated, but to varying degrees, a surprising number of people buy into their validity. Too often, men and women conduct their lives to preserve these illusions. He must be the best all of the time. He cannot falter, be fearful or insecure. She must be submissive and passive. She cannot be powerful, self-sufficient, or independent. At times, men and women manipulate each other in order to preserve these illusions.

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Don’t Let Fear Destroy Your Relationship

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By Danielle B Grossman

Why do we fight with our partners? I’m not referring to small arguments that resolve reasonably quickly with a compromise. I am talking about fights that blow like a hurricane into a peaceful day and leave us broken, exhausted, and confused as we wonder, what just happened?

These consuming and crazy-making fights are generally fueled by unspoken and unnamed fears. Because most of us do not like feeling scared, we have spent years developing strategies to try to control our fear by squashing it or avoiding it. The problem is, fear does not like being forced out of town. It may ride away for a while, but it will come back, with its posse, armed and ready to force us to hear it and take it seriously.

It is often in a marriage or committed intimate relationship that our fear comes riding back into town, ready to avenge us for casting it out. We have treated fear as the enemy, so it has gone into fighting mode. In fighting mode, fear is ruthless.

In fighting mode, fear attacks by pulling us into a dark and catastrophic drama where we become so panicked and terrified that we can’t ignore the fear any longer. For example, perhaps a woman has a deep fear about being isolated and lonely. When this fear hits her periodically, she keeps it inside, trying to push it away. Eventually, the fear fights back, spinning a tragic story that features her husband as the ‘losing interest’ spouse who will eventually leave. Her mind, now controlled by fear, gathers bits and pieces of information that confirm and support this story.

Now, perhaps the relationship does need some work. Perhaps her husband has been distracted and has not been attending to the relationship. Perhaps her husband’s energy is unavailable because he is being attacked by his own fears. As in any relationship, these thorny issues of ‘give and take’ must continually be addressed and worked out.

Once fear has gone into attack mode, however, and the tragic story has been spun, there is no way to deal with these issues in a productive manner. Instead of a respectful and solution-focused conversation, the husband is now locked into the bad guy role. As a result, he may feel so trapped, frustrated and misunderstood that he is likely to lash out or run away from any discussion. This just confirms that he is the villain.

To further intensify the drama, perhaps the woman is now the villain in the partner’s fear-driven storyline. He is now seeing the woman as the demanding and ‘never satisfied’ demon in the story that was created by his underlying fear of ‘not being good enough.’ Now stuck in the demon role, the woman feels so trapped, misunderstood, and frustrated that her own story reaches a fevered pitch of terror. The relationship hangs on the edge of a cliff, with imminent doom and total destruction.

Coping with Fear in Your Relationship

It doesn’t have to be this way. There is another way to deal with fear:

1. Name the underlying fear. Some examples are: Fear of falling apart, fear of rejection, fear of not being understood, fear of being judged, fear of being alone, fear of loss, fear of change, fear of aging, fear of being overwhelmed, fear of your needs being ignored, fear of boredom, fear of lack of control, fear of failure, and fear of helplessness.

2. Tell your partner that you have some fear arising inside of you, and share those fears. Own your fears instead of blaming your partner. For example, say ‘I am feeling afraid of a loss of control of our finances’ instead of ‘You always have to be the boss with our money.’

3. Listen to your partner’s fears. Do not try to minimize, negate or ‘fix’ the fears. Do not try to bully your partner’s fear into submission. Do not belittle, humiliate, shame, and threaten the fear. Do not make snide remarks such as ‘Oh, you are always afraid of something,’ or ‘Why can’t you just relax and be happy for once?’ By trying to run the fear out of town, this technique to try to avoid a difficult conversation will backfire and leave you with a bigger mess.

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Are You An Oak Tree Or A Palm Tree?

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By Ilex Bien-Aime

The Oak tree symbolizes strength and endurance. It has deep roots that anchor the massive tree into the ground. Many countries use the Oak as their national symbol because of the aforementioned attributes. The Palm tree on the other hand symbolizes victory and peace. If you compare the Oak tree and the Palm tree by purely looks alone,  the Oak seems to be more impressive however that is where we make our mistake.

Men have been taught to be Oak trees. For the most part we are bigger and stronger than women and we typically do not allow our emotions to control our actions. Men have been taught a certain way of thinking that anchors us into the ground and sets roots deep within our souls. As little boys we are taught to be soldiers and even some mothers try to stop their sons from crying at a very early age. Little girls on the other hand are comforted and made to feel secure about their feelings.

Men are taught to lead and in order to lead we must exemplify a certain amount of strength. We have been taught that no woman wants a weak man and so we come into relationships with an iron fist. In so many cases a man is told to lead his home, he just is not taught how to lead his home. This is a very important factor when it comes to understanding your husbands. Many of us do not understand that being a husband requires a fair balance of being strong but not totalitarian.

In a healthy marriage, a man has to learn to be a Palm tree. Because Palm trees do not look as strong as Oak trees, we as men tend to ignore their attributes. What we don’t understand is that the Palm tree has more strength than we give it credit for having. When I was about 14 years old, I went through Hurricane Andrew in Ft. Lauderdale. After the storm had past we drove around to see the damage caused and much to our surprise the Oak trees were toppled over. Some of these trees landed on people’s houses totally destroying them and killing some families along the way. On the other hand, the smaller more delicate looking Palm trees were still standing as if nothing happened.

I was shocked to see all of these Palms still standing and I asked my grandmother why the Oaks fell but the Palms didn’t. She then explained to me that the Palm bends in the wind and sways back and forth. This keeps them from breaking and toppling over but the Oak tree has no bend and when a strong wind comes, it breaks. Even though i had this conversation 20 years ago, I didn’t know the importance of that lesson until recently.

I have been an Oak in many ways and not to make excuses but I was taught to be an Oak. Marriage has shown me that I need to be a Palm because without being able to bend, you will surely break. I have to learn to be softer and less rigid in my ideology. I have to learn to go with the flow a little more often. Clearly it will not be easy because I have been pre-conditioned to be an Oak, yet Oaks break and topple over and I don’t want that to happen to me and my family. Which one are you going to be?

Ilex Bien-Aime is an integral part of the BlackLoveAndMarriage.com team. He lives in Washington, DC with his lovely wife. He writes as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. He writes as a man who wants to give his future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly he writes what he writes because his female friends are always asking his opinion about these situations. Connect with Ilex at Iamsayingit.blogspot.com or via email at ilexbienaime@gmail.com. 

Your Perception Is All Screwed Up

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By Karen Brody

Just because someone is listening to me, I don’t assume that they got the communication that I sent. Neither should you.

So after I say something, I have created the habit of asking my listener what s/he heard from me. I also like to check in on my own perceptions about what I’ve heard from someone.  Rather than assuming that my perceptions about what other people mean when they say something are accurate, I’ve gotten into the practice of asking if what I heard was what they meant to communicate to me.

Here’s one great example: I had assumed for a while that when my lover didn’t ask for my support (because I certainly ask for his) that it was because he didn’t think I had anything to give him. I was really upset about this story I was telling myself and it was affecting how I related to him. I found that I resented asking for his support, and did everything in my power to avoid it. I felt awful because it thwarted my natural inclination to ask. But he wouldn’t ask me… It was a viscous circle.

When I finally checked in and asked “I’ve had the feeling that you don’t ask me for help because you don’t think I have anything to offer you. Is that accurate with what is happening for you?” He laughed. “Absolutely not,” he said. “I just can’t seem to ask. It’s my issue. I really value your help,” he said.

Lately we’ve been working with asking each other what we RECEIVE in our communications and it’s fascinating how much of what is SENT is altered by way of how we hear things. He could say “I don’t want to talk about it,” and I will hear “You don’t want to talk to me.” We then have an opportunity to clarify and better understand how each of us uses language.

If you use the words “sense,” “feel” or “intuit,” you let your partner know “Look, this is a perception.”

No one wants to be TOLD how he or she is.” I sense you’re angry,” is an opening. “You’re angry,” is a dead end. Then simply ask, “Is that accurate?” “Does that resonate with you?” “Is that what’s going on for you?”  It feels great to have someone care enough to really get it right and to be able to reflect your communication back to you with accuracy.

Perception Checking: Ask who you’re talking to reflect back to you what s/he heard. If what you had hoped to send and what they received are different, you’ve got a place to start from to clear up any misconceptions and get yourselves both “on the same page.” After someone says something to you, reflect back to him or her what you’ve heard. Discover if it matches. If it doesn’t it gives you both the chance to make sure that the message that’s being sent is the one you’re getting.

About the Author Karen Brody is the founder and creator of Making Love Simply Divine. Karen is a relationship and sexuality coach, spiritual counselor and speaker, whose passion is to help people experience their potential for love in relationship. Find out more about Karen and get more of her incredible advice, tips, and other information at http://www.MakingLoveSimplyDivine.com.

What Happily Ever After Really Looks Like

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By Ilex Bien-Aime

What does Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Prince Charming, and the beautiful Princess all have in common? They represent fantasy about love and marriage. From early childhood we are groomed to believe that one day we will find our damsel in distress or our prince charming who will come into our lives so that we can live happily ever after but that is just not reality. When we become adults we put away the story book characters only to embrace the romantic comedy that gives an adult form of happily ever after.

 

This way of thinking is one of the top causes for divorce and unhappiness in marriages. We truly have a skewed view of what marriage entails and what it takes to be happy. I have heard people say that when you truly love someone, things shouldn’t be so hard but that is a lie if I ever heard one. Marriages are not easy and no reputable source will ever tell you that it is. Not even the Bible says that marriage is going to be happy go lucky, it’s a challenge.

 

Because we have this false view of marriage, when things go wrong, many of us decide to bail. We believe that somehow we got it wrong and that we married the wrong person. While in some cases that may be true, it is not in most cases. Many of us are looking for the perfect spouse and the perfect marriage but that is like trying to find a Unicorn, you hear about it but it really does not exist. No one is perfect and therefore no relationship will be perfect. We all come into marriages with our own personal baggage and when we put them side by side, we realize that it is not always a pretty sight.

 

Married people seem to look at their spouse’s bags of mess as if they have no bags themselves. Have you ever seen two married people talk to friends or a counselor about their marriage? Man it is a bunch of you you you statements but very rarely do you hear, I did this and I did that. As Jesus would put it, we are trying to take the mote out of the other person’s eye while not paying attention to the beam within our own eye. That is why happily ever after does not exist because we have beams in our own eyes and instead of dealing with these beams, we are try to perform surgery on our spouses.

 

The reality of happily ever after can be obtained, just not in the package that you have been trained to think that it would come in. Every dude that you start to date seems like prince charming at first until you see that he was a frog. Your husband seemed like prince charming at first as well, you wouldn’t have married him if you didn’t. The same can be said about the princess/damsel in distress. The trials of marriage will sober you up quickly but instead of running to the next supposed prince or princess, work with the one you have.

 

Sometimes the key to happily ever after is already in your hand, you just have to find the way to open it. We are always so busy trying to make our spouse be who we want them to be that we neglect to be who we are supposed to be. We can continue to act like children and fantasize about what happily ever after should look like or we could actually put in the work to make happily ever after a reality. As all counselors say, it starts with you. Start treating your spouse like a prince/princess and see if you get closer to happily ever after, something tells me that in most cases, you will.

Ilex Bien-Aime is an integral part of the BlackLoveAndMarriage.com team. He lives in Washington, DC with his lovely wife. He writes as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. He writes as a man who wants to give his future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly he writes what he writes because his female friends are always asking his opinion about these situations. Connect with Ilex at Iamsayingit.blogspot.com or via email at ilexbienaime@gmail.com.

Free Yourself From Anger And Resentment In Your Relationship

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By Michelle Mayur

Recently I was sitting in my parked car waiting to collect my daughter from her drama lesson when an obviously angry woman in a small car tried several times to back into the space in front of me, which was easily long enough for a large car. I noted she had little skill in parking after several unsuccessful attempts that saw her hit the curb at near right angles each time. Eventually she got her car in and backed it up very close to my car. She opened her door and gesticulated what I thought was, “Can I back up any more?” to which I politely signaled, “No”. I went back to reading my book, only to be confronted shortly afterwards by this woman demanding I open my car window so she could hurl a tirade of abuse at me! Apparently her initial gesticulations had been intended to get me to back up further, effectively onto the bumper bar of the car behind me. Her miscommunication that caused me to give her a “no” signal released her rage. Reeling from the verbal attack as she stormed off, I was not given any chance of resolving the miscommunication.

She left the scene filled with rage feeling I had been deliberately horrible to her and I felt my energy field had been shattered. All completely unnecessary if she had communicated her wants clearly in the first place. I did however ask for light and love to be sent to her.

How many angry people do you know who feel the whole world is out to get them and their experiences just seem to reinforce this? How many of these people have few if any friends? Could it be something they themselves are doing that perpetuates their situation? From my experience with the angry woman above, it certainly seems some people do. I would certainly give her a wide berth if our paths crossed again! Take a long, hard look at yourself and be honest – could you be one of these angry people? Maybe not on the surface, but do you harbor lingering resentment about past emotional hurts and grievances, which become energetically locked in your body, creating corrosive energy within? If so, it is time to release and resolve it before your greatest punishment is not to those who wronged you, but to yourself, as you increase the likelihood of degenerative diseases like diabetes type II, cancer, especially liver cancer, and heart problems.

My all time favorite technique I have developed for shifting any stuck emotions, especially anger and resentment, doesn’t have a fancy name and is extremely simple, yet deceptively powerful:

– Sit or lie in a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed

– Start thinking about a person or situation that makes you feel angry

– Explore where you feel this discomfort of anger in the body

– Breathe into this area for several minutes and become aware of the form (shape, size, colour, etc) of this anger

– On the in-breath draw the energy of this stuck anger up to the throat

– On the outbreath say in your mind whatever comes to you, even if it starts off as just a toning sound

– Soon you are likely to tap into the heart of the anger and words of rage will be powerfully expressed in your mind

– Allow your whole body to be fully involved in the release process if necessary

– Underneath the anger you are likely to encounter tears

– Continue with the releasing of trapped anger in your mind until it feels complete

– Allow that ‘energy void’ to now be filled with whatever it needs for healing, such as the vibration of calm, peace or white light.

– Check back to what you were thinking about initially and see if there are any more areas of angry discomfort. If so repeat the process.

– Completion is when you can think of the original person or situation in a neutral way, free of any anger charge.

Michelle Mayur, a conscious entrepreneur specialising in “Heal the Healer”. Tools and info for developing Wellness Professionals personally and in business. 

http://twitter.com/angelheal 

http://www.heal-the-healer.com/

YOU ARE NOT Responsible For Your Partner’s Feelings. YOU ARE Responsible For Your Intent

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By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Guilt is the feeling that results when you tell yourself that you have done something wrong.

HEALTHY GUILT

Healthy guilt is the feeling that occurs when you have actually done something wrong – such as deliberately harming someone. This is an important feeling, which results from having developed a conscience – a loving adult self who is concerned with your highest good and the highest good of all. People who never developed a conscience and feel no guilt or remorse over harming others are called sociopaths. These people have no loving adult self and can wreck havoc – stealing, raping, killing – without ever feeling badly about it.

Healthy guilt results in taking responsibility for our choices and being accountable for our actions. When we have not behaved in a way that is in our highest good and the highest good of all, our loving adult self will feel remorse and take over, doing whatever we have to do to remedy the situation.

UNHEALTHY GUILT

Unhealthy guilt results from telling yourself that you have done something wrong when you haven’t actually done something wrong. For example, if you decide to do something for yourself with no intent to harm anyone, and someone gets upset with you for doing what you want instead of doing what he or she wants, what do you tell yourself? Here are some of the inner statements that can lead to unhealthy guilt:

“It’s my fault that he is feeling angry.”

“I should have done what she wanted instead of what I wanted. I have caused her to feel hurt.”

“I’m being selfish in doing what I want to do.”

“It’s my duty to put myself aside and do what others want me to do.”

“If he gets angry with me, then I must have done something wrong.”

“If she is hurt, then I must have done something wrong.”

Many of us have been trained to believe that we are responsible for others’ feelings, so that when others are angry or hurt, it is our fault. But unless you deliberately intended to harm someone, his or her feelings are not your responsibility. Others get hurt when they take your behavior personally, and they get angry when they make you responsible for their feelings. But this does not mean that you are responsible for their feelings.

You are responsible for your own intent. When you intend to harm someone, then you are responsible for the results of that. But when you just want to take care of yourself with no intent to harm anyone – such as want some time alone when your partner wants to spend time with you – then you are not responsible for your partner’s upset.

Unhealthy guilt comes from telling yourself a lie. When the wounded, programmed critical part of you takes over and tells you that doing what you want with no intent to harm anyone is wrong, that is when you will feel unhealthy guilt. This critical part of you wants to control how others feel about you, and so tells you the lie that you are responsible for others’ feelings.

Unhealthy guilt also arises when someone blames you for his or her feelings and you take on the blame. Many people have learned to blame others for their feelings rather than take responsible for their own feelings. When you accept this blame, it is because you want to believe that you can control others’ feelings. You will feel unhealthy guilt when you accept blame for others’ feelings.

Healthy guilt is an important feeling and leads to positive action, but unhealthy guilt is a waste of energy.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:http://www.innerbonding.com 

Surviving The Acid Tests Of Marriage

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By Ruth Purple

Marriage is a beautiful thing if you know how to handle and maintain a good outlook about it. It is a balance of give and take. Problems in the marriage occur if you or your partner see issues as a one way street. There are certain problems in the marriage that if both of you are able to survive it; your union will be able to stand any obstacle.

These are the acid test of the relationship, get through this and your togetherness will be stronger than ever. It’s because these acid test will make both of you closer than ever. The first acid test is money problems- insufficient funds. Surviving a bank account with negative balance in your relationship can be tough but it has a solution.

In handling financial acid test, you have to keep your temper on the sides and learn to focus on the problem at hand. It’s important that you sit down and discuss- what you own, what you don’t own, what you owe, what you need and what you don’t need. Work together instead of against each other.

Don’t let your money issues stem into other issues- learn to contain your setbacks in money. Another acid test that can make your bond stronger is children- related issues. Children are the source of happiness of every couple but it should not be the only reason that should keep both of you together.

Having children can bring a lot of stress in the marriage, especially for young and new couples. This is because parenting requires huge responsibility as well as changes of role in your life. This can also cause disagreement and can lessen your time as a couple. In order to get through this acid test of marriage, couples should need to work as a team.

They should learn to have organization- (yes, it’s possible), manage their time wisely and learn to have rules (learning how to say no). It’s also essential that you ask for reinforcements- parents, friends, trusted neighbors or hire a dependable baby sitter. Never compromise your “couple time” and your “self-time” and most importantly enjoy your children, this is one of the most stress-buster there is for parents.

Another acid test that can make your bond tighter if both of you survived the effects of infidelity. Unfortunately, infidelity sometimes does happened, it’s hurtful and can be devastating but it’s not the end of everything- a relationship can survive and get through infidelity, not only survive but could end up in a more sympathetic and loving atmosphere.

The first thing that you should do to survive this acid test is to know the root cause of the infidelity and work from there. Sometimes it can be a symptom of some major issues within your relationship or your partner. Surviving infidelity cannot happened over night but if both of you do get through it; you will discover a much deeper beauty and appreciation in your marriage.

Is It My Phone Or Our Phone?

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By Untouchable Gary

So I posed an interesting question yesterday about whether people would let their significant others answer their phones even if they had nothing to hide.  As expected it received a mixed variety of reviews from both males and females.

Surprisingly,  the growing consensus was YES they would allow their wife/husband or boyfriend/girlfriend to answer their phone with no reservations about. Some expressed that if you have nothing to hide then what’s the problem or that there should be no secrets between them. Another that I found cute was “well if I’m closer to it than they are then why not answer for them?”

If y’all know me by now then you know my response was like “What the HELL ARE Y’ALL THINKING!” Once you lose that little piece of privacy your S.O will want more. I even heard that if their phone is always on vibrate then they must be hiding something. Well maybe they are just tired of hearing the damn thing ring all the time. However, I will admit that if their phone is going off at 1 a.m. and it’s not you then that may be an issue.

Be advised that once they are answering your phone they will go thru text messages (maybe even answer a few), look at your pictures, check your emails (which are tied directly to your phone) and don’t forget about all your social media apps that are live and online. Heaven forbid someone happens to flirt with you that day that you have no earthly interest in, you will be in for quite a headache of questions!

I suggest that you ask before you just volunteer your secretariat services. Most often the answer will be yes anyway…unless they have something to hide. But always respect their privacy!!!

Keep Rockin’

Untouchablegary

KnowingTheGame.com

How To Say “Sorry” To Your Spouse

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By Michael Lee

At one point or another, everyone gets into an argument. When this happens, do you know how to say sorry? Some learn it the easy way, but others learn it the hard way – sometimes at the cost of a relationship.

To avoid making matters irreparable between you and your spouse, I suggest you take the time to think about how you can make things up. Learn how to say sorry to a right now.

Step 1: Compose Your Apology.

Saying sorry isn’t going to cut it. You have to understand what you’re regretful about in the first place. So before entering your spouse’s physical presence, why don’t you sit down with yourself and think long and hard about what you’ve done to upset the relationship.

It may not always be your fault, of course, but you also need to take your reactions into consideration. This time off will also give your spouse time to reflect and cool down. After all, there’s no sense in apologizing when your spouse clearly isn’t in the mood to hear you out.

Step 2: Humility is the Best Policy.

If you really want to learn how to say sorry, then keep your head low and be humble. Talking your head off about how you think you were in the right – and how your spouse was in the wrong – might just get you into hotter water.

If your friendship really matters to you, then you wouldn’t mind giving this one fight to your spouse. Who cares who was right and who was wrong anyway?

Isn’t saving your relationship what really matters? Besides, being humble can also get your spouse to open up about his own misgivings.

Step 3: Be a Good Listener.

Sometimes, learning how to say sorry involves less talking and more listening. Your spouse will inevitably have his share of problems or concerns to air out.

Try to listen to them, even if you think they are redundant. Avoid cutting your spouse short to give an explanation. Seek to understand before you seek to be understood.

These are just some of the guidelines on how to say sorry to a spouse. As you know your pal best, you can combine these ideas with your own. You can also invite your friend out to his/her favorite restaurant and talk about the situation there. Knowing your spouse best, you should also have an idea of how long it takes for them to cool down.