By Nathan Gehlert

We’ve all heard the suggestion that a couple should never go to bed angry. It’s actually terrible advice. One of the most important relationship skills is learning to contain our reactivity in disagreements and recognize that “right now” may not be the best time to try to resolve conflict. Why is this, especially since going to bed angry seems so counterintuitive?

Different people react to conflict differently. Some people withdraw, others fight back. Whatever the reaction, this response is governed by our brain’s amygdala, which is the most primitive part of the brain that’s responsible for this fight-or-flight reflex. In conflict, it also engages the production of the stress hormone adrenaline. It becomes very difficult for a couple to easily resolve a disagreement when these psychological and biological responses have been triggered. In these situations it’s as if we’ve been reduced to our most primordial state. That’s why these late night debates are so ineffective and can literally last hours.

It’s important for a couple to be able to say, “you know, now’s not the best time to talk about this” and to then schedule another time to talk. This allows for conversation at a time when the couple can be less reactive to each other – and actually use the higher, more evolved part of the brain. It takes practice, and setting an appointment to finish the conversation is important, but this skill ultimately leads to more productive and connected dialogue.

From the Imago Center of Washington DC

By James Walsh

Research shows that men benefit more than women from marriage and also show greater signs of deterioration after divorce. Women overall cope better with the situations and problems arising due to divorce. Men fare worse than women mentally, emotionally and physically during the post-divorce period. The only area where they are better off than women is the financial situation.

It is also a fact that despite the adverse effects seen on a woman’s life after separation, twice as many women as men seek to initiate divorce. Men, especially during middle age ‘never see it coming’ and are taken by surprise when women ask to bail out of marriage.

Through history it is men who have been the dominating partner in a marriage and even when divorce had a social stigma attached to it, they had more freedom to exercise this option. They also walked away with the better end of the bargain. Men were not ostracized for walking out of a marriage and soon set up a new home and family.

Things have changed since and a lot of divorced men are bitter men as they feel that women find favour with the law. Mothers are sympathized with while fathers are judged harshly. In fact, the situation is such that very often men do not seek divorce because they fear the situation they will find themselves in regarding finances and children, post-divorce.

There are a few recurring reasons cited often by men to seek divorce. They are:

1. No Obvious Problems: At times, sheer boredom or mid-life crisis makes men restless and look for a change in the form of divorce. They want to get out of the rut of daily routine and mistakenly blame their spouses for the problems. Seeking some change prompts them to change jobs, change homes, find a lover or divorce their spouse.

2. Falling out of Love: Many men marry young with inflated ideas of love. After the initial euphoria, they soon realize that they have fallen out of love with their wives and initiate divorce, hoping to find their soul mate or perfect partner thereafter.

3. Cheating: Infidelity or adultery by wives often bruises the inflated male ego so much that any reconciliation becomes impossible. Any transgression, especially the one involving sexual encounters, is difficult for a husband to forgive and forget and often leads to divorce.

4. Different Values and Lifestyles: Differences in value systems and lifestyles often lead to contradictions and conflicts. It leads to greater lack of communication leading to an increasing distance between them. This difference is another major reason for men asking women for divorce.

5. Others: There are a lot of other reasons causing men to divorce such as alcoholism, emotional and physical abuse, wives neglecting husband’s family and friends, child-bearing issues, financial issues, an affair of self, personal habits, mental problems, physical or sexual problems and so on. These issues add to the statistics of husbands asking for divorce though they are not the main reasons as such.

Men asking for divorce or women doing so, is an unfortunate event both ways and leads to a lot of broken homes and dysfunctional families. One should not embark on this sad journey until and unless one is very sure of the enormity of reasons for doing so.

By Dr. Peter Pearson

Being apologetic doesn’t come easily for me. Unfortunately, being inconsiderate and self-centered does. So I realized long ago that my marital survival would depend on two things: 1) learning to apologize and 2) becoming less selfish and more considerate.

It was easier to start with apologies. Over time I got better and better at learning how to apologize. I was amazed at the effect.

First, it was the basic mumbling of, “I’m sorry.” Those two words were remarkable in healing bruised feelings. It was as if I had a license to do what I wanted– as long as I looked sincere and said, “I’m sorry.” It was like having a “Get out of jail free” Monopoly card.

When my apology failed to produce the desired results, I spruced it up. I would put my apology in a tuxedo, and my wife would be so grateful that I would get another reprieve.

Given my personality, I had lots of opportunity to practice making apologies. Ultimately I created a formula. It’s for the bigger offenses or for smaller offenses that you have repeated so often they’ve created a lot of tension with your spouse.

Five Step Formula For a Really Good Apology

1. Describe your offense. This is necessary so your partner knows exactly what you’re apologizing for.

2. Describe what you think is the effect on your partner. This display of empathy is comforting to the other person.

3. Describe why you did what you did. This reassures your spouse that you’re on top of the problem and reduces their need to nag you about it.

4. Describe why you’re interested in changing the offensive behavior. This demonstrates an understanding of the big picture that as couple you’re a team.

5. Describe a self imposed penalty for not changing. This one is the clincher. Think of an appropriate penalty for your offensive behavior, and tell it to your spouse. Tell them that if you don’t change you will impose the penalty on yourself. This reassures them that you mean business.

I encourage people to write their apology. Writing it out first or writing it and then giving it to your mate has several advantages:

1. You can collect and refine your thoughts. It is very difficult to think through an apology on the fly, especially if your angry partner is on the offensive.

2. You will be heard all the way through. Nobody will interrupt and start yelling at a spouse when they are reading an apology.

3. You avoid the hostile questions that often interrupt you when you start speaking the apology. These negative questions have the nasty effect of derailing your good intentions and then you just have another argument which demands another apology.

4. You avoid the raised eyebrows and squinting eyes during the apology which just derail you again. (See the last sentence in number 3.)

5. It looks like you have given this some serious thought (which might even be true).

6. You don’t have to sleep on the couch tonight.

Putting It All Together

1. Honey, I’ve been thinking about your comments that I don’t follow through consistently when I say I’ll do something. I apologize for that.

2. Being inconsistent means you can never be sure whether I will follow through or not. I imagine it keeps you on edge and wondering if you should “remind” me or not. If you don’t speak up you run the risk that I won’t follow through and then it is too late to take corrective action. If you do speak up, you run the risk of coming across like a nag.

3. I hate to admit it, but when I agree to something, sometimes it’s just to get you off my back. I think, “well, I’ll do it if I get time.” But if it’s something I really don’t want to do, often I simply don’t make the time. I’m also unreliable when my priorities collide with yours–and my priorities too often prevail. This means I really haven’t thought much about us being a true team where we can each count on the other to follow through.

4. I actually have some interest in improving my reliability. I would feel more aligned with my higher intentions about being a good partner, and we could probably have more fun together.

5. Finally, I want you to get off my back as a policeman to make sure I follow through. Both of us will feel better about that. So when I don’t follow through or give you a timely warning (stuff does happen) then I will work on cleaning the garage the following weekend for at least two hours every time I blow it.

May all your apologies be little ones.