Marriage Dress Code And Other Rules When Going Out With Your Boo

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VIDEO: Today, we’re going to answer a 3 part question that came in from one of our Youtube viewers. From what type of rules we have in our relationship to talking honestly about being attracted to another person—we’re answering all of this viewer’s questions. She says she’s pretty open minded and transparent…but her man is closed mouthed when it comes to telling her what he REALLY thinks of other women. I wonder why ? We think it comes down to one 5 letter word. Hmmm… Should there be “rules” in a relationship? Absolutely. Will they always be the same from relationship to relationship? Not necessarily. However, there are some basics that everyone should be operating from. Here are a few… What are some “Relationship Rules” we missed that have worked (or not) for you and yours? Leave a comment or submit a video response letting us know what you think.

Manager Your Anger And Save Your Life With These 7 Steps

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By Zaak Conan

Experiencing anger is extremely dangerous to your health. It causes your adrenaline and blood pressure to rise up at above normal levels. Moreover, you could end up hurting someone or doing something that you will regret later on.

Here are 7 fantastic tips to help you be the one in control of yourself, and not the hazardous madman called “Anger.”

1) Relax and visualize.

Calm yourself down. Take a deep breath. As you exhale, imagine all those bottled-up fury come out of your nose and mouth. Release it and be free. Repeat this step over and over until you feel peace inside.

Then visualize being in a place where you feel most happy, calm, and relaxed. It may be a place like a beach, garden, scenic locations, or anywhere else you might think of. Just imagine being there and inhaling the essence of your serene environment. By doing this, you will not find it hard to attain inner peace.

2) Pour out your anger to safe outlets.

You had a big quarrel with your former friend. He betrayed your trust. You want vengeance and you’re raving mad.

Hold it. Restrain yourself.

Try your best to get away from him as far as you can. You don’t want to hurt anyone. Anger can possess your brain into doing something that you wouldn’t dare do before.

How do you then release your anger if you can’t restrict it anymore?

Buy a punching bag, then pour out all your rage in it. Punch it, kick it, strangle it. Imagine the punching bag is your enemy. When you’re done, you will feel a sense of satisfaction. You may even punch and kick through thin air if you desire.

Another way to release it is “SHOUT!” Find a distant place where you can be alone – a place where no one can hear you. At the top of your voice, yell out loud “Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh.” You can choose any word you like as long as you release all those angry demons out of your chest.

3) Forgive and forget.

Nothing could ease your mental and emotional pains better than by forgiving someone that has hurt you in the past. It is very unhealthy to burden yourself with unnecessary torture brought about by unpleasant memories of other people’s demeaning acts.

Moreover, if they have taken something important away from you, would it make sense to also sacrifice your health and lifestyle? Of course not.

4) Exercise.

Engaging in exercises increases your endorphins. Your angry mood could miraculously change to a happy one if you get involved in exercises that you enjoy doing.

5) Have a circle of “sponge” friends.

Do you feel relieved when you voice out all your problems to close friends and relatives? That’s the power of voicing out your inner feelings.

Always have someone to talk to when you’re down, when you’re depressed, when you’re mad, or in any other occasion when you feel you have to get the thorns out of your chest.

6) Listen to soothing music.

It calms your soul. A 20 minute session of listening to relaxing music while resting comfortably could soothe the upset spirit. Take deep breaths often.

7) Pray.

Deadly consequences arise when people could not hold back their fury. Ask for guidance that you will be able to control your temper. Prayers bring inner peace to those who ask for it.

There you have it – 7 essential rules to release yourself from the treacherous killer known as “Anger.” Manage your anger, save your life.

Zaak O’Conan discovers and presents useful information on to enhance and/or repair your life, body and relationships. You’ll find his other articles on how to improve your life and expand your horizons at http://your-health-center.com.

 

Are You ‘The Best’ At The Blame Game

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By Ilex Bien-Aime

What is the most popular game of all time? Some will guess Truth or Dare, Monopoly, or maybe even the Drinking Game – but they would be wrong. The world’s most popular game was never taught but it seems to be a skill with which every human was born. The name of the game is simply called the “blame game.” We usually grow to hate this game and yet most of us continue to play it.

 

Human beings are experts at this game because we have had so much practice. Remember fighting with one of your siblings as a kid? They would do something that we didn’t like, so we would retaliate and when the punishment seemed to be on it’s way, we would say something like, “they started it”, or “he hit me first.” In our immature state, we tried to find a way to blame other people for our problems. Unfortunately, many of us do not leave this state of being.

 

Money and water may be scarce resources but there is no shortage of blame. We like to blame people for everything but we don’t like to look at our wrongs. I knew a girl who couldn’t understand why people didn’t like her. If you asked her, she would tell you everything that was wrong with other people but you would never hear her say what she did to contribute to this. This girl was a liar and a gossip – people hated her because she was a trouble maker. She refused to take responsibility for what she was doing wrong. Instead of looking within, it was always everyone else.

 

I see the blame game just about every day of my life. It’s hard for people to fully take responsibility for their own actions. Blaming others, in a way, makes us feel better about ourselves. Sometimes we refuse to see ourselves with the same lenses that other people  do. When people try to point out something that we have done to them, many of us try to find a way to put some of the blame back on that person. It’s almost as if we all become mini lawyers because we will try to justify our way out of everything.

 

Have you ever had a conversation with your married friends? God knows that we are expert blame artists! I talk to my best friend about his wife all of the time and he sure knows how to blame her for things but when I play devils advocate with him, he can justify himself with the best of them. I won’t just throw my boy under the bus, I may be king of the blame game. In my head, if I feel like you have done me wrong, I feel justified for behaving a certain way. If my wife tells me that I did something wrong or comes at me in a less than loving way, I have been known to dish out what I felt I was receiving.

 

The blame game truly has no place in a marriage. What I am currently learning is that the people who usually play the blame game, have too much pride. Honestly I like to see myself as humble, but marriage has shown me that I lack true humility. Sometimes you have to sit back and shut up when your spouse is telling you something. You can continue to go back and forth with each other but trust me, you won’t get far. You may even be justified in how you are feeling but even then, you aren’t justified in the blame game. It is said that if someone smacks you in the face that you are to turn the other cheek but what most of us don’t understand is that this is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength! The blame game won’t get us very far and justification is only for self edification. In the end we will be held responsible for what we do and have done – there will be no points added for the blame game!

Ilex Bien-Aime is an integral part of the BlackLoveAndMarriage.com team. He lives in Washington, DC with his lovely wife. He writes as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. He writes as a man who wants to give his future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly he writes what he writes because his female friends are always asking his opinion about these situations. Connect with Ilex at Iamsayingit.blogspot.com or via email atilexbienaime@gmail.com.


Does The Truth Help Or Hurt Relationships?

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By Kristin Denton

Remember how your relationship was in the very beginning?

 

You stayed up all night talking about everything – your dreams and desires and even the things that scare or embarrass you. But then, as the relationship went a long, you stopped talking about so much. Everything became so heavy and meaningful.

 

In the beginning, things were great. There was a level of trust and open communication that created intimacy and understanding. So, what happened to that? Where did it go and how can you get it back?

 

I used to try to protect my partner from those heavy, bad moods and ugly thoughts. I went to my room and hung out until I felt like socializing again.

 

I thought I was noble in my ability to control what came out of my mouth.

 

I thought I was kind because I never let on what I was thinking.

 

But what I was doing was ruining my relationships. There was no relationship. I was cutting myself off from others and never allowing them to know me. They never knew what I was thinking or feeling or needing.

 

I was an island. A very lonely island.

 

I really thought that if I let people know the ugly thoughts, not only would they be hurt – but they would probably become angry and disown me – betray me, talk shit behind my back. I would be the outcast.

 

So I beat them to the punch! Hah! I’d banish myself to my own room (or apartment, as I got older). I’d banish myself to silence.

 

You can either have a N.I.C.E. (Not Interested in Connecting Emotionally) relationship… where you hide what is true out of fear. Or you can have an alive, real relationship with intimacy, compassion and understanding.

 

Some people withhold from their partner and add an extra zinger — they put on a show of pain and discomfort in order to punish them. It’s an effort to communicate just how much pain they’re in. But none of it’s verbalized. It’s a show of the pain.

 

When you start keeping secrets and withholding,.. when you cut off the sharing of life force between you,… you’re cutting off the intimacy in your relationship. Even if you think you’re protecting your partner from painful or embarrassing thoughts – it’s still destroying your relationship.

 

Relationships require sharing… both our dreams and desires along with our doubts and fears.

 

What are you feeling and what needs of yours are being met or not? …

 

I’m happy because my need for support in keeping our home is being met.

 

I’m disappointed because my need for partnership isn’t being met in the way we’re handling our finances.

 

I’m sad because my need for connection isn’t being met when you’re out with your friends every evening.

 

You can find out more about this style of intimate communication, along with other advice on building healthy, intimate relationships, at our website: www MagicRelationship dot com.

 

Another tip: when you offer your feelings and needs, it’s best to follow them with a request. If you offer them without a request, your partner won’t know why you’re giving them the information.

 

Do you want to be just heard?

 

Do you want advice?

 

Do you want to come up with a strategy for meeting your needs? Why the heck are you telling me this?

 

Often, a comment without a request will be taken as blame… which will lead to fixing, fighting or fleeing. Don’t leave your poor partner hanging.

 

Paul and I recommend asking, “Would you tell me what you heard me say?” (Avoid saying ‘could’- it implies they aren’t intelligent enough to repeat you. And avoid saying “What did I say?” because what you said and what they heard are two different things.)

 

And one more tip: don’t think that little behaviors are enough to be warranted as ‘sharing feelings and needs.’ Fixing your honey a cup of coffee in the morning is very sweet, but it may not communicate your feelings of love and contentment like actually verbalizing the information. “I love you so much”, PLUS the cup of coffee goes much further.

 

Frowning and throwing around the bed covers while you make the bed may not adequately communicate your feelings and needs, either.

 

Instead, say: “I’m feeling disappointed because my need for support around the house isn’t being met. Would you be willing to discuss a way to help that would also meet your needs?”

 

There’s no room for misinterpretation there.

 

Try it out this holiday season: make a pact with your beloved to share absolutely ALL your feelings and needs for one day – the good, the bad and the ugly. Then follow the information with a request.

 

Be prepared to spend some time processing and discussing those feelings and needs as they come up.

 

However, try to avoid getting into BLAMING and ‘FAULT’ behind the feelings and needs. That tends to end up in a free-for-all about evaluations and judgments – who’s right and who’s wrong. Try to stick with feelings, needs and requests.

 

Try to do this on a day when you’ll have the time.

 

You won’t want to get cut off because you have to run to pick up the kids right when you’re getting to the heart of an issue that’s snuck up silently between you.

 

You’re going to want to stay and hold each other and talk it through… and feel the intimacy of clearing out all of those old, crusty feelings and unmet needs that have been clogging the flow of love.

 

Kristin Denton teaches Relationship Communication Skills – Live Seminars or Tele-Classes including – 4 Steps To Instant Intimacy & Understanding & Relationship-Wrecking Mistakes.

I Know I Nag My Husband….And I Need Help To STOP.

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VIDEO: Lately I have been arguing with my husband about how to make the children behave and how to stick to our budget.  I am very exact when it comes to things but I think the problem is that I expect for him to handle situations the way that I would.  I blow up on things and drag the conversation out to were I can tell he has zoned out.  What are some exercises I could use to keep me from blowing up and take time to think about the situation and how to handle it?  I know I go overboard and I want to correct it before I start to push him away with my nagging.

I’m A Christian. He’s A Muslim. Should We Marry?

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VIDEO: This girlfriend admits that she is deeply in love with her boyfriend. She says that they have a relationship that is centered around love and respect. But, there is one problem (or is it?)…they are of two different faiths. Do you and your spouse practice the same religion? Can people of two different faiths live and love together and raise healthy well rounded children? Here, we explore some important ingredients to help you get through the stickiness of different spiritual paths and help you achieve harmony in your home.

CLICK HERE to get your RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENT

CLICK HERE to get SPEAK LOVE RIGHT: Real Questions. Real Answers. Real Talk on COMMUNICATION

CLICK HERE to get INDIVIDUAL or COUPLES COACHING

You Need To Change More Than You Think

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By Ilex Bien -Aime

 

I have always heard the saying “Men go into marriage expecting their women not to change; women go into marriage expecting that their husbands will”. From the beginning of the marriage, there is already this push and pull. We often walk into marriages with mixed expectations and this makes it harder to become one. Both sides have to realize that they must adjust their perspectives and that there is need for change.

 

The word change is a very dirty word for most people. Let’s face it, when someone thinks you should change, you feel as if they are telling you that something is wrong with you. It’s hard not to take things personally because you feel that this is the person that your spouse married and that they should have known that this was who/how you were from the beginning. Honestly, this is where the trouble truly begins and where animosity begins.

 

Everyone is reluctant to change, especially when someone is requiring it of you. When you change on your own, it obviously does not feel forced. When someone else wants you to change, most people fight it tooth and nail. I guess you can say that this is where pride takes over. When that happens, it’s difficult to get through to the other person. Instead of listening to each other, it almost seems as if you begin to try to “one up” the other person.

 

The problem with most humans is that we know that we are not perfect and yet we act as if we are. Fundamentally we know that we have issues but we don’t like it when other people try to tell us. When our friends tell us that we aren’t perfect, we laugh it off or we tell them where they can go. When our spouses tell us about our imperfections it’s a slap in the face. We expect for them to live with us, flaws and all.

 

Change is all around us and to tell you the truth, we change all of the time. Sometimes we change by choice and other times out of necessity. When it comes to changing in marriages, our personal feelings get in the way. That seems to be the thing that makes changing so difficult – being personally invested takes over our rational thinking. Change, however, does not need to be as horrible as we make it.

 

Honestly, I feel that change comes from within. Once your spouse lets you know that there is an issue, you have to decide to change to accommodate them. All too often we expect our spouses to change right on the spot or when we want them to but that can be dangerous. Change isn’t something that happens overnight for most people. Sure, some people can change cold turkey but that is not the norm. Someone who has been a certain way their entire life now has to change – that does not come easily.

 

I am not going to sit here and act as if I have this change thing down because I do not. Honestly, change is very difficult for me. I am a very analytical person and when I don’t feel like something makes sense, it’s hard for me to change. The thing about change in marriage is that it is a two way street. All parties must be willing to change in order for things to work. No matter how great you think you are, you will need to change. If you can seriously read this and think that you do not need to change, you probably need to change more than you think!

Ilex Bien-Aime is an integral part of the BlackLoveAndMarriage.com team. He lives in Washington, DC with his lovely wife. He writes as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. He writes as a man who wants to give his future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly he writes what he writes because his female friends are always asking his opinion about these situations. Connect with Ilex at Iamsayingit.blogspot.com or via email atilexbienaime@gmail.com.

When Family And Friends Hate Your Significant Other

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By Ruth Purple

When friends and loved ones hate your significant other, it can be a major disappointment. There’s no doubt that this can be a painful issue, since conflicts are always waiting to happen. The situation can make you feel as if the people who matters most in your life are disrespecting you by disrespecting your darling and your happiness. This type of relationship dislike is not something new, and it is sure to cause deeper problems such as stress in the relationship. It may be surprising, but more often than not, the core of this mutual loathing can be your fault. Not by purpose, of course— surely you never meant to cause this mayhem of tumultuous emotions especially from your loved ones.

However, it can always happen when you pass on details of your relationship troubles to these people. No matter how good your intentions are, once you open up to other people and reveal your private relationship woes, you are definitely adding fuel to the fire. Well, it could be that you simply needed a shoulder to cry on, a comforting hug or some dependable advice from someone you have confidence in. But, you are actually giving other people a reason for passing negative judgments on your significant other and very likely a not-so-good impression as well. Every relationship has problems, because there is no such thing as a perfect one.

There will always be bumps and snags, even a few battles. But, it is imperative in a relationship to keep a couple’s problems in private as much as possible. The need for a sound advice is always okay or maybe just a friend to talk to when things get rough. For the most part, however, problems and conflicts must be resolved by the two people who are directly involved in it: you and your partner. Constantly seeking help from family or friends regarding these problems will make them think that your darling is a horrible person for making your life miserable, constantly putting you through pain and heartaches.

Although your partner is actually far from being that awful person, you have to expect some amount of negative reactions and opinions from your loved ones. Don’t be shocked when they start to hate your significant other and assume that you’ll be better off with somebody else—after all, what they hear about are only the negative things. Most of the time, one can actually do better when not saying anything instead of saying too much. If family and friends have already developed a somewhat not-so-good opinion about your beloved, it’s time to turn things around and sway their opinions. The best and simplest way to do it is to keep your mouth shut: no more whining about how sloppy the other person is, or what a horrible snore he’s got! Stop talking about the problems—even the very small ones.

Instead, try to talk about the positive qualities of your significant other. Talk about the persons’ accomplishments, and the nice little things that he/she did for you. Build up the person, brag if you can! Surely the negative opinions will fade over time, and bring about a general level of acceptance. Overly judgmental relatives and friends have always existed and will continue to exist. It is something that a person can never run away from. Isolating yourself and your beloved rather than trying to fix the problem will only cause further ill feelings. They will surely hate your significant other even more, for creating a gap between you and them.

Simply try to maintain your relationship out of decency and respect, while showing them just how much you value and love your significant other for what he/she truly is.

The author of this article Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth recently published a new home study course on how to get your cheating spouse back. More info about this “Winning Your Man Back From Infidelity” program is available athttp://www.YouCanGetHimBack.com.

How Do You Deal With ‘The Silent Treatment’?

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By Margaret, Paul Ph.D.

Research indicates that children would rather be yelled at than ignored.

When prisoners are being punished, they are put in isolation, because being isolated is one of the harshest punishments there is – other than physical abuse.

The silent treatment is a form of punishment, a way to attempt to control children and partners into doing what you want them to do. It is a withdrawal of approval, and can cause much fear in people who are vulnerable to this.

You are giving people the silent treatment when you shut down to them, closing your heart and refusing to interact with them or acknowledge their presence. You act as if they are invisible, not responding to them at all or giving them a very minimal and withheld response. Your hope in treating them this way is that they will get the message that they have displeased you. They have done something wrong in your eyes and deserve to be punished, deserve to have your “love” taken away.

Of course, what you are taking away is not love at all, since love is unconditional. What you are taking away is your approval, and for children and approval-dependent adults, it is a powerful form of control.

THE CONSEQUENCES

While it may seem to you to work for the moment, there are huge negative consequences following the silent treatment. Children feel unloved and unlovable, developing deep beliefs about their inadequacy. While they may comply to avoid your withdrawal of approval, inwardly they are likely to feel lonely and heartbroken – feelings that they can’t handle – so they become angry and resistant to manage the feelings. Their anger and resistance may show up in others areas that cause problems for them and for you.

While your partner may scurry around to try to please you and get you to reconnect with him or her, the fact that you have so deeply disconnected creates feelings of heartache in your partner that may eventually lead to the end of the relationship. What seems to work for the moment may lead to exactly what you don’t want in the long run.

WHEN YOUR PARTNER IS PUNISHING YOU WITH THE SILENT TREATMENT

What goes on inside you when your partner shuts down to you?

* Do you tell yourself you must have done something wrong?
* Do you feel a sense of loneliness and heartache that feels unbearable?
* Do you feel alone and abandoned inside?
* Do you feel anxious and scared?

If you feel any of these, it is really because you are abandoning yourself and making your partner responsible for you. It is you doing this that is allowing the silent treatment to work to control you.

If you were taking loving care of yourself and taking 100% responsibility for your own feelings, here is what would be going on inside:

* You would be telling yourself: “My partner is choosing to punish me rather than take responsibility for his or her feelings. Whatever I may or may not have done that he or she doesn’t like, I am not responsible for how he or she is dealing with it, and I have no control over him or her.

* You would be bringing love inside, letting yourself know that you are a good person and deserving of love.

* You would get out of range of your partner’s energy – taking a walk, reading a book, calling a friend, or doing something else to make yourself happy.

* You would keep your own heart open, not going into anger or judgment toward your partner, so that when your partner decides to open again, there is no residue for you. You would not punish your partner for trying to punish you. You would just make sure that their punishment doesn’t work for them.

* You would embrace your loneliness and heartache with deep compassion for yourself, sitting with these feelings for a few minutes and then releasing them to Spirit.

Eventually, when you are truly taking loving care of yourself, others will stop using the silent treatment, since it will no longer work for them.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Are you are ready to discover real love and intimacy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course: http://www.innerbonding.com/welcome/relationship_help.html, and visit our website at http://www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help.

My Husband Refuses To Work On Our Marriage…What Now?

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By Leslie Cane

I often hear from wives who ask me what they can do to convince or get their husband to work on their marriage. Many times, their husband is reluctant to give them even a little hope that the marriage can be saved. He may all but tell the wife that he isn’t going to lift a finger to help her restore the marriage. This is usually so frustrating to those same wives because they suspect that if they could just him to put in a tiny bit of effort and to try just a little, then they could save their marriage and keep their family together. But, because he won’t cooperate, they fear that they are just going to have to watch hopelessly as their marriage falls apart.

I recently heard from a wife who said in part: “our marriage has struggled for the past five years. My husband lost his job and my mother died within the same month. Since that time, it seems as if it’s been just one thing after another in our lives. It seems like once one stressor gets solved, another is right there waiting. And with each stressor, our marriage takes another hit. Our marriage is in shambles. I feel like there are no real feelings between us anymore. However, I feel that we could get our marriage back together if we just committed to working together. I am willing to work very hard to reignite my marriage. But my husband will not commit to the same. He says he won’t even try to work on our marriage because he just doesn’t think its worth the effort. He says we aren’t going to make it any way so why pay a counselor, do all this work, or try so hard and still fail? And that is where we disagree. I think that once we worked on our marriage, we would be just fine. But in order for that to happen, I need some cooperation from him. What would you advise me to do when I’m dealing with a husband who won’t even try to work on our marriage?”

These are tough questions, but I do have definite opinions on this, which I will share below.

If Your Husband Feels Forced Into Working On The Marriage, His Enthusiasm Level Will Be Very Low: Women so often ask me how to convince, make, or get their husband to work on the marriage with them. What they often do not understand is that they are trying to influence his decision to do something by force and this almost never goes exactly right. People who feel as if they had no choice in their actions or behaviors will often resent the same. As a result, they will often either not fully participate or do something to sabotage the results of their participation.

At the end of the day, your real goal is probably to save your marriage no matter how you get there. You might think that the simplest way to get there is to find some way to get your husband to “work” on your marriage. But that description holds such negative connotations, especially for a man, which I’ll now discuss.

Why Working On Your Marriage Probably Isn’t Your Husband’s Idea Of A Good Time: I hear from many men on my save my marriage blog who tell me that the second their wife starts talking about “working” on their marriage, their toes curl, their hands clench, and they immediately start to tune out. You might as well ask him to put on an apron and go running through tulips because this is the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard for some men. Sometimes, in your husband’s mind “working” on your marriage means that you’re going to dissect his feelings, tell him where he is lacking, or give him a laundry list of exactly what you think is wrong with him. This is extremely uncomfortable in his mind and he wants to avoid it.

So please remember this. If you can re-frame your request so that you avoid the descriptions or connotations of working, then you will likely get more cooperation. So think about and find his currency. Is it physical contact? Is it doing things that he likes? Instead of saying you want him to get down to work, tell him that you miss the electric chemistry you used to have and you want to turn up the heat again (or whatever would get his cooperation.)

Understand What Working On Your Marriage Truly Means: Many people mistakenly assume that working on their marriage means that you are going to need to immediately solve all of your problems. That’s probably not realistic. What you are really trying to do is improve your connection so that you both enjoy and are invested in the marriage again. For some, the best and easiest way to accomplish this is by obtaining some kind of outside help. For others, it might be focusing on having light hearted fun together and leaving the experts out of it, at least initially. Don’t make the mistake of making the process so heavy and painful that neither of you are fully and whole heartedly into it.

A Suggested Script For When Your Husband Won’t Even Try To Work on Your Marriage: Women often ask me what they can say to convince their husband to work on the marriage. The right words and phrases are going to be different for each husband depending on his personality. But one suggestion might be something like: “I know that you have been resistant to address and work on our marriage. I’m not sure why this is. But I can see that this topic makes you uncomfortable, so can we shelf that and start over? I don’t want to ask you to do something that you are resistant to doing. I want you to enjoy the process. I want you for both of us to be happy the way we were when we first got married and we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. I want to look at you again and feel my heart beat out my chest and I want for you to feel the same way. And I really don’t care how we get there. I just want to get there. So can you tell me how you want to get there? What would make you the most comfortable and willing to work with me? What would you like to focus on? I’m willing to follow your lead as long as we are moving forward together.”

Do you see the difference? If you approach it in the spirit of cooperation and compromise rather than “work” you will often be much more happy with the results.

As you might have guessed, I made the mistake of asking my husband to “work on” or “try to” save our marriage. This wasn’t all that appealing to him so he moved out and avoided me. I had some serious catching up to do and I am trying to help you avoid that. We did eventually reconcile once I learned what works and what doesn’t. If it helps you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Leslie Cane’s blog is at http://isavedmymarriage.com.  She enjoys sharing the story of how she saved her own marriage to help others. Her article website is at http://lesliecanearticles.com