Looking For Love And Finding Frustration Instead? WebMD Says Five Steps Increase Your Chances.

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As you get to know us at B Intentional better and listen to our videos and read our articles you’ll notice  a trend or theme in our opinions and analysis’. We almost always tie whatever issue someone’s dealing with back to personal self knowledge, personal insight, and personal growth. We are firm believers in the fact that we all create our realties every single second of every minute of every day. So, it stands to reason that the issues and dilemmas we all experience in life, for the most part, can in some way, shape, or form be tied back to ourselves.

So, it is when it comes to finding that special someone. We all want someone who we actually enjoy spending time with, who excites us, who stimulates our mind, and makes us want to do and be better. Well, if you’re one of the many folks out there who would love to have someone worthwhile in your life but haven’t ha much luck finding them—stress no more. What you need to do after reading this article is sit down some where quiet and begin the process of truly getting to know yourself. When you really know yourself you can better know what it is you’re looking for and not waste precious time on people who are just not worth it.

From WebMD:

In the pilot for the ABC television show Desperate Housewives, character Gabrielle Solis (she’s the beautiful ex-model with the gorgeous rich husband, big house, and bottomless bank account) sets the tone for the series with this simple but poignant statement about her marriage:

“I have everything I wanted — but I wanted all the wrong things.”

More than just a catchy phrase, you don’t have to be an unhappy (or desperate) housewife to get what she means. Indeed, when it comes to choosing a life partner, experts say too many of us remain clueless about what we really want and need — one reason so few of us seem to find it!

“We go round and round, and we date and we date some more and we think, yes! We have finally found the secret to landing that perfect mate. And still the divorce rate goes higher and higher,” says psychologist Gilda Carle, PhD, associate professor at Mercy College and author of Don’t Bet on the Prince — How to Have the Man You Want by Betting on Yourself. Clearly, says Carle, something is going wrong.

If you’ve already figured that part out yourself, take heart. Psychologists say the key to getting off the dating merry-go-round often requires nothing more than taking time to get to know yourself before you try to get to know someone else.

Here are five ways to help you do just that:

Define your core values.

Understand your emotional needs.

Identify your love pattern.

Test drive a potential relationship.

Once dating, go in for a three-month checkup.

1. Define Your Core Values: Understanding your core values is at the heart of truly knowing your needs. “These are the things about yourself that are not likely to change. They are the tenets you grew up believing and that deep down inside still seem to fit into your life no matter what else changes,” says JoAnne White, PhD, a therapist and instructor at Temple University.

Indeed, White tells WebMD that no matter how many qualities you put on your list of “must haves,” nothing matters quite so much as finding someone who shares your core values. “In the end, they represent who you are and what you need. They are the deal breakers,” says White. While core values are different for every person, they often touch on such personal issues as:

The desire to have children

Religious beliefs

How you deal with money

How you make important decisions

The importance you place on honesty, integrity, fidelity

Even how you view divorce itself

And while we all have heard that opposites attract — and experts say they do — when it comes to the really big issues in our life, shared values are still what count the most.

To read more of this article CLICK HERE.

Black Marriage Negotiations Video: The Woman’s Perspective Now Circulating The Web

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VIDEO: By now you have probably seen the Black Marriage Negotiations video that went viral on the internet last week. It’s everywhere. It’s a video that highlights a professional black women going through a long and unreasonable list of relationship requirements to a black man. Well, now the response to that video is circulating on the web—from the black woman’s perspective. What do you think B Intentional Family? Are these 2 videos supporting and reinforcing stereotypes of each gender in the black community or is this kind of frank and blunt depiction necessary to help black folks look at what some of the very real issues are? Take a look below and add your voice to the dialogue.

Anyone Can Cheat…Even You: Gospel Artist Tye Tribett Talks About His (And His Wife’s) Infidelity

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by Aiyana Ma’at Tye Tribbett recently sat down with the Associated Press and shared some of the details of the infidelity that threatened to destroy his marriage. In the interview Tye talks about the fact that there doesn’t have to be “lack” in your marriage for lust to take hold. I think this is so important to acknowledge and be mindful of. We are all human beings and no matter how fabulous and secure you’re relationship is—we need to remember that what you don’t defend is susceptible to attack. If there are gaps or weak spaces in your relationship you need to pay attention to them and address them. For example, let’s say there’s a core group of your co-workers that you are friends with and hang out with at work. You all eat lunch together, have your inside jokes, do happy hours and the whole nine. You would count them as good friends and they would do the same for you. However, you begin to notice that there is some “interesting” energy/chemistry between you and one particular co-worker. What do you do? Ignore it, acknowledge it and talk about it with your spouse, take note of it for yourself and begin to limit the amount of one on one contact you have with that person or minimize it….it’s not that serious, right? Well, my husband and I have found that the best rule is to ACKNOWLEDGE & AVOID.

ACKNOWLEDGE: That means you admit the attraction or the chemistry and not just to yourself—yep, you tell your spouse about it. If you’re not used to doing this then it will probably be extremely awkward to do at first. But, when you do you’ll more than likely feel relief after the uncomfortable feelings because you don’t have this little secret you’re keeping from your partner. Do you open up the possibility for your spouse to be a little alarmed—maybe. It depends on the couple. But, you also open up the possibility for there to be real talk in your relationship that in the long run builds a more solid connected couple.  You can talk about it and 9 times out of 10 your relationship will be strengthened as your partner gains confidence in your commitment to be honest with them.

AVOID: So, this means what is says—Make a concerted effort to minimize your one to one contact with this person. Be cordial and keep it moving. Just save the “I would never cheat on my husband/wife.” and “That’s not necessary to do.” comments. Invest more in being smart then trying to seem as if you are. Plain and simple.  Lee Bailey’s Electronic Urban Report shared Tribbett’s interview and we have an excerpt for you below.

The Associated Press: You and your family have been through a lot of drama. How did you fall into the trap of cheating on your wife?

Tribbett: I thought it was something that’ll never happen. I saw infidelity with my mom and dad who was a pastor, which made them split. I told myself that I would never do that. So when it happened in my marriage, it was like “Whoa.” God broke down my self-righteousness, my pride.

AP: How did you feel when she did the same to you?

Tribbett: As a husband it is PARAMOUNT to be there for your wife emotionally, and I blew it and I wasn’t there for her, which opened her up to fall into the same trap and commit the same sin as I did! I’m just so grateful that it wasn’t the end for us!

AP: What led you to cheat?

Tribbett: (Televangelist) Joyce Meyers gave the best explanation of what my situation was about. She said lust has no conscience. It doesn’t care if you’re married, doesn’t care about your responsibility, doesn’t care if you’re a pastor. It wants what it wants when it wants. It doesn’t have to be because of lack for lust to take hold.

AP: How was it for you when you and your wife took a break from each other?

Tribbett: When I was between my house and mom’s home, I was contemplating suicide — almost every day.

AP: Like any other gospel artist, you preach against what you and your wife have done to each other. Does your approach change on how people should live their life through your beliefs?

Tribbett: I still have to say the same thing as before because it’s a sin. I still say it’s wrong. But my approach is more compassionate. It’s not as militant. It’s easier to preach against something that’s not your struggle. Through this situation, this humiliation has made me walk in humility.

AP: How do you expect people to listen to you now?

Tribbett: I don’t know. It’s been very difficult to face people who look up to you. … But this situation made people see that leaders are not above what they teach. I’ll never choose this again, but I’m grateful that it happened.

AP: How much has your relationship with your wife changed?

Tribbett: Every second, it’s like we are texting each other. We’ve been married for 13 years, but it’s kind of like we are dating again. Personally, this is a fresh start for me as a husband and a father.

AP: What type of advice would you give to someone who is toying with the idea of cheating?

Tribbett: Don’t trust yourself. You’re thinking to yourself, “We’ll just text.” Your limits are going to keep getting broader and broader. That’s how we deceive ourselves. You need to flee. Run!

AP: How about the ones who have followed through with the act?

Tribbett: I will say it’s tough, but restoration is possible. … God is able to restore your marriage and bring it back to life. I’m a witness to that. I thought it was a wrap! I wasn’t concerned about my career. It’s all about total submission, total surrender. The temptation will come back only to show your deliverance.

Ok, so B Intentional Family, what do you think about this? Could ACKNOWLEDGE & AVOID work in your relationship?

Tea Party Candidate Under Fire. Is This A Case Of “You’re Not Black So You Can’t Say That.”?

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By Aiyana Ma’at By now you may have heard about Al Reynolds,the Tea Party candidate in Illinois’ 52nd District, who recently came under fire for saying that African American men preferred dealing drugs to going to college, because it is “easier.” Republican Party leaders in Central Illinois are now calling on their own candidate for state senate to step down following these remarks he made at a candidate’s forum last week.

So, here’s what he said (Video Is Below):

“I’ve been in the city and the dichotomy of the women and the men in the minorities, there is a difference in the fact that most minority women either the single parent or coming from a poor neighborhood, are motivated more so than the minority men,” Reynolds said, when asked what he would do to increase diversity at state colleges. “And it’s a pretty good reason. Most of the women who are single parents have to find work to support their family. The minority men find it more lucrative to be able to do drugs or other avenues rather than do education. It’s easier.”

He continued:

“We need to provide ways that are more incentive, other than just sports avenues, for the men for the minorities to want to go to college and get an education and better themselves before the women have to support them all.”

Reynolds’ Democratic opponent, incumbent Sen. Mike Frerichs,responded with:

“I’ve been in this community for a long time now,”. “I’ve been working in this community for a long time and I’ve worked with a lot of African-American men. They’re not pursuing careers in sports. They’re not trying to sell drugs. They’re trying to support their families. They’re trying to be good people.” Reynolds is being asked to withdraw from the race but hasn’t done so at this time.

So, while casually talking with a group of women yesterday–all of us black–about this one person says: “It’s amazing how white folks can have these narrow minded racist views about black folks! It really gets to me!” But, then another person says: “He just said what black folks, especially women, say all the time. Yeah, he took it too far with the whole drug dealing and sports comments but don’t a lot of us (I’m assuming by “us” she meant black folks) say that it seems as if black women tend to have more hustle than black men these days, are more focused on our goals, more educated, and that black men need to help support their children more than they do? He’s just not allowed to say it cause he’s white.”

Well, the looks and comments that followed got…let’s just say…a little heated. But, the interesting thing is that the group was truly divided. There were women who agreed with both of these sistas and it turned out to be a very interesting conversation.

Ok, so B Intentional Family, we need you to weigh in on this one. Were Reynolds’ remarks just racist–plain and simple? Did he get smacked with a “you’re not black so you can’t say that” card….or are both points of view valid?

WATCH Reynolds make the comments here:

Dr. Phil On “How Many Times A Week Should A Couple Have Sex?”

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by Aiyana Ma’at Over at Oprah.com Dr. Phil answers the age old question (smile): “How many times A Week Should A Couple Have Sex?”. We believe that the answer will vary from couple to couple….but there are some parameters every healthy couple should operate within. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again— SEX IS A REQUIREMENT IN A RELATIONSHIP. Plain and simple…sex shouldn’t be withheld when we’re angry (ahem…*clearing throat*…I have to continually work on that one myself 🙂 ), sex shouldn’t be used as a bargaining tool, and sex shouldn’t be a chore. Take a look at what the infamous Dr. Phil has to say on this and let us know what you think.

Dr. Phil On “How Many Times A Week Should A Couple Have Sex?”

What I Learned From Tyler Perry On Oprah: Revealing His Horrific Childhood Abuse

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By Aiyana Ma’at While online yesterday I came across an article that told of the Tyler Perry interview that aired on Oprah just yesterday. When I finished reading, I promised that I would stay up (until 1am) for the repeat of the show. I just knew this was big. Well, I made it—until 1am that is—and it was so worth it.

Tyler Perry has to be one of the most courageous people I know (…not that I really know him. Smile…) He spoke of pain so deep you could feel it coming through the television screen. He says his childhood was—“Hell”, plain and simple. And, as he told his story the world got to hear just how hellacious (Is that a word? It is today.) his childhood was. As I listened to him talk about the intense beatings and hatred he experienced at the hands of his father (Who by the way had this to say about Tyler speaking out: “If I had beat his ass one more time he could have been Barack Obama.”) my heart hurt and tears welled up in my eyes. As I listened to him talk in detail about the molestation he experienced by several adults—all before the age of 10—I felt fear rising in my chest as I thought about my 4 innocent and precious children who my husband and I love with all of our being. I thought about the fact that this world is filled with some deeply disturbed and pained people and as one of our viewers commented yesterday—hurt people truly do hurt people.

However, as Oprah & Tyler’s conversation went on I felt the energy of the interview begin to shift and I knew in that moment that more important than the pain and the hurt, more incredible than the shock and awe of his horrible childhood, more impactful than the shame, confusion, anger, and craziness of it all—is the impact he will have on so many people who have experienced sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. I am clear about this—there is power in owning and telling your story. Not only is it healing for you but you ignite the fire of healing in so many others. So, what did I learn and have re-affirmed from watching Tyler’s incredibly transparent and authentic interview? We must tell our stories…

Oprah & Tyler Call Each Other Close Friends

Below: An excerpt from the article (“The Buzz” with Jennifer Brett) I read that made me stay up until 1am to see Tyler Perry’s powerful interview.

Tyler Perry and Oprah Winfrey had a frank conversation about the most difficult time in his life during the episode that aired Wednesday. He discussed, in great candor, physical abuse he suffered as a child at the hands of his father, and sexual abuse by several others. “Predators know when a child is an easy mark,” Perry said. He remained silent for years, not wanting to cause his mother pain. After she passed away last year, he said, he felt it was time to bring it out into the open. “He knows and I know that because of who he is, this is going to be a pivotal moment not just for him but for millions of men who have survived the unthinkable and have never told a soul, especially their wives,” Winfrey said at the beginning of the show.

By the time he was 10, Perry said, he had been sexually abused by both a woman and several men, and was subjected to regular beatings by his father. His Aunt Jerry was in the audience and confirmed his recollections. She lived around the corner from Perry’s family when he was young, and said she once pointed a gun at Perry’s father after young Perry was beaten. “It’s hard for me to look at that child,” Perry said. “I feel like I died as a child. My father – he hated me so much and I couldn’t understand why. I was sickly all the time, I had asthma. He hated that about me.”

As a coping mechanism, Perry said he learned to escape mentally, explaining, “Every time somebody was doing something to me that was horrible, I could go to this park in my mind.” He also credits his faith for seeing him through. “I was suicidal. I thought, what is the point of living? My mother was my saving grace. She would take me to church with her. I wanted to know this God who made her so happy. I don’t know where I would be without faith in my life. She didn’t have much but she gave me Jesus.”

Perry’s father is still alive. “I don’t care” what he thinks about this going public, Perry said. He said there is “no remorse” on the part of his father, but he supports him financially, and pays for the home he lives in. “I forgave him,” Perry said. “The same amount of strength to take it, is the same amount of strength it takes to let it go. As a man I am not going to sit here and let myself suffer anymore.” Perry has often said that watching Winfrey’s show many years ago, long before they met, first inspired him to begin writing. He brought that up again Wednesday. By that time, both he and Winfrey, and probably everyone in the audience, were in tears.“On behalf of all the people who will never get the chance to sit here and tell you how much you have changed their lives over the past 25 years, I just want to thank you,” he told his friend. The two team up again on Nov. 5. On that day, the audience will consist of 200 men who will share stories of being abused, as Perry did on Wednesday.

To read the full article click here.

Will And Jada Smith’s Daughter & Sesame Street Want You To Whip Your Hair Back & Forth

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We absolutely LOVE a video from Sesame Street that exploded on the internet over the last few days that has a young black girl (puppet) singing about how much she loves her hair. Then, while in the car the other day we hear a song with a hot beat with the lyrics…”I whip my hair back and forth!” We didn’t know at the time that this is Will & Jada Smith’s daughter, Willow’s, new single. Again, this song sends a positive message about hair, creativity, and self-expression. We just watched her video and all we can say is Wow….this 9 year old has talent and we LOVE how funky, hot, and age appropriate this video is. Already, Willow has been inspiring little girls all over Youtube to whip their hair back and forth. To top it all off, Mec Jagger from Sesame Street did a mash up of Willow’s song with the same puppet and we think it’s GREAT! We’re always trying to find images and messages that reinforce our daughters’ beauty and love for who they are. A BIG thanks to Sesame Street & Willow (and her parents…smile) for helping us out. Check out these fabulous songs below.  🙂

“I Love My Hair” by Sesame Street

“Whip My Hair” by Willow Smith

“Whip My Hair” By Sesame Street

Terry McMillan Talks About ‘Waiting To Exhale’ Sequel: ‘What It Takes To Get To Happy’

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VIDEO: We all remember McMillan’s third novel (after Mama and Disappearing Acts ), Waiting To Exhale. It told the stories of four 30ish black women bound together in warm, supportive friendship and in their dwindling hopes of finding Mr. Right. Savannah, Bernadine, Robin and Gloria were successful professional or self-employed women living in Phoenix. They all had pretty bad judgement when it came to picking a partner worthy to call their man.  All were independent, upwardly mobile and “waiting to exhale”–to stop holding their breaths waiting for the right mate to come along…

Now, Terry McMillan has released the sequel “Getting To Happy”.

Book Description courtesy of Amazon.com: McMillan revisits Savannah, Gloria, Bernadine, and Robin fifteen years later. Each is at her own midlife crossroads: Savannah has awakened to the fact that she’s made too many concessions in her marriage, and decides to face life single again-at fifty-one. Bernadine has watched her megadivorce settlement dwindle, been swindled by her husband number two, and conned herself into thinking that a few pills will help distract her from her pain. Robin has an all-American case of shopaholism, while the big dream of her life-to wear a wedding dress- has gone unrealized. And for years, Gloria has taken happiness and security for granted. But being at the wrong place at the wrong time can change everything. All four are learning to heal past hurts and to reclaim their joy and their dreams; but they return to us full of spirit, sass, and faith in one another. They’ve exhaled: now they are learning to breathe.

Listen in as McMillan shares how she has drawn from her own life and so many others to create what is hoped to be a phenomenal book with lessons for us all.  As always, leave a comment or submit a video response letting us know what you think especially if you’ve already read it!

Sometimes It Takes A Child To Bring Home The Essence Of Marriage

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VIDEO: Generally speaking, the older we get the more complicated life gets. Things that used to be so simple turn into complex puzzles that we just can’t seem to figure out. The truth is–it’s not life that is getting more confusing and complicated—it’s US! We are all walking contradictions trying to be better and do better with ourselves and in our relationships….some of the time (hey…let’s be real). And, how many times have you said (or heard someone say) “Marriage Is Hard!” Well, we’d like to suggest that the older we get the further away from the truth we get. And, if we’re intentional we start to plug back into the basics and remember the essence of life and love. Marriage is the same way. It’s as hard and complicated as you perceive it to be. Sometimes, it takes a child to bring home the essence of marriage. Kissing, hugging, helping each other, and being friends…..could it be that simple?

Love…Marriage…Babies…Family = Beautiful!

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VIDEO: We wanted to give you some warm & fuzzies today. Be moved by the strength & beauty in these happily married couples and the precious families they have created. This piece is brought to you by our friends over at Ebonyloveandmarriage.com. Black love & black families are truly BEAUTIFUL! Wouldn’t you agree? 🙂