Letters to My Daughter – Part 3: Self Esteem & Beauty

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By Neysa Ellery Taylor

Dear Asyen and Maya,

Since you are a Black woman in America, there will be many assaults on your self esteem.  You are much more than some tail.  You are much more than cute.  You are “fearfully and wonderfully made!”  You are some of God’s best work!  Don’t get cocky because everyone is God’s best work because He doesn’t make mess.  But you should believe that you are special, because you are.

If you want to have a healthy self esteem, then remember a few things.
1.  The way you look is important but who you are inside is more important.  Lead with nice.  Don’t be a mean girl.  Don’t wear bitchy as a badge of honor.  You an be assertive, aggressive, smart, witty, and NICE.  Too many people forget that.

2.  Pretty is fleeting, but smarts are forever.  Don’t be the giggly girl that thinks being dumb is cute.  It’s not.  Smart is cute.  Smart is wonderful.  Smart lasts forever.

3.  Don’t feed your self-esteem a diet of crap.  If all you know is Style Magazine or music videos, then you will have no idea of how awesome you are.  But if you are reading Maya Angelou, Pearl Cleage, or Mildred Taylor, your self-esteem cup will be overflowing.

4.  Always think “I can do it” first.  There is nothing cute about “I can’t.”  Too many women believe they can’t do something.  Saying “I don’t want to do something” is totally different than saying “I can’t do something.”  You can speak Spanish.  You can change a tire.  You can paint a room.  You can fix the plumbing.  You might not want to, but you can.  And the only way that you will know that you can is by doing.  So do (fill in the blank).  (Guidepost:  Call Auntie Sjar.  Her adventurous spirit runs deep.  She believes that she can and she does!)

But there are a few things you should know about beauty.

1.  The first is that you have to define your own look.  Most people fall into one of 2 categories – signature style or style chameleon.  Folks with a signature style have a go-to look that influences all of their style decisions – think Mikki Taylor.  But there are other folks who are style chameleons – think Beyonce.  There are pros and cons of each but you have to figure out who you are and which style category you fall in.  Then own it!  Do You!

2.  Look your best.  That means no head rags, ashy-ness, or chapped lips.  Think about Grandy.  When Grandy steps out the door she is ready to meet and greet anyone.  She would not be embarrassed to say “hi” to anyone.  That doesn’t mean that she is suited up all the time.  It just means that she is ready to face the day giving her best self.  We should all do the same.

3.  Wear clothes that fit your shape.  Some are apples.  Some are hourglasses.  Some are palm trees (ok I made that one up!) But everyone has a different shape.  So wear clothes that compliment your shape and don’t try to be anyone else.  (Guidepost: If you need help with this call Miss Faith.  She is an awesome stylists!)

4.  Wear clothes that fit.  If you are a size 12, own it.  Don’t stuff a 12 into an 8.  You just will look like a hot link sausage.  Actually a hot link would look better because it’s at least smooth.  And speaking of smooth, undergarments are important.  Grandy wore girdles back in the day, but then the 70’s came and girdles went out the window.  But guess what?  We are learning that the correct undergarments are so important.  I still hate panty hose, but the right underwear will have you looking together.  This isn’t just for the curvier girls.  EVERYONE can benefit from the right undergarments.

There will be days when you will fill less than awesome.  Don’t worry it happens to everyone.  Whenever you are feeling down and need a self-esteem boost, you should turn up India.Arie and Jill Scott.  (Just grab my ipod.)  Sing out LOUD!  Do a little dance.  But if that doesn’t work, call me.  I will always tell you how awesome you are!

I love you more every day!
~Mama

Neysa Ellery Taylor is an integral part of the writing team here at Blackloveandmarriage.com. She lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work atMyriadthatisme.blogspot.com


How Do You Comfort A Friend Who Lost The Love Of Her Life When The Love Of Her Life Happens To Be Married?

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By Lana Moline

I heard two ladies talking at the beauty salon about a seriously complicated issue.  It turns out that another friend of theirs had lost someone special to her.  I was not intentionally listening but their voices rose to the high volume that was necessary under the dryer and everybody there heard the story.  It made me think about how I would handle this same situation.  The story went something like this:

“Yes, I remember “her guy” and how much they loved one another.  He lost his fight with cancer and she was understandably in a bad place.  They were in sync.  It was as if he sensed when she was down and needed him.  Remember all those  “just thinking about you” texts?  That was so sweet!  I felt like he really got her.  They had that “it” thing that everyone wants in relationships and so much history.  They were like that couple on tv that you want to hear about.  But something kept them from totally committing.  You are right, turns out after all the trips, dinner dates, nights on the town and quality time spent, he was married with kids.  Are you serious?”

It was right about there that I drifted into my own series of “what if this had been my friend.”  I would like to think that I could remain sensitive but as a married woman I wondered how I would comfort her.  Quite honestly, I was offended.  I know we share each other’s secrets but I would not want to be a part of this type of deception.  I searched for the logic in understanding the need to lie to me thinking maybe a twisted attempt to protect me.  That would satisfy her heart’s intent towards me but I don’t think protection quite describes how I might feel.  I am sure that his rationale was typical with the notion that things at home were not good and that he was there only for the kids but that does not make infidelity acceptable.

This is a mess whether imagined or real.  It just made me think about my circle of friends and how well I know them.   Yet still today their is a deeper issue of how to comfort someone in the midst of loss despite the fact that I am conflicted.  I love strong and realize that when people have a myriad of empty places in their lives to fill, they truly need friendships.  This is one of those situations that would cause anyone to do some soul-searching to understand what this friend means in our lives.

I’m sure we all reach that point although it may not always be for such a drastic reason.  In friendships, just like any relationships, there are ups and downs and in the end we must decide if the people in our lives are worth the fight.  I haven’t always done everything right so it would be great to understand that I am a keeper.  My friends sure are.  This is an issue of accountability.  We each deserve the best and should remind each other of that daily.

Lana Moline is an integral part of the Blackloveandmarriage.com writing team, freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her atLana Moline Speaks.

More Than I Can Bear – An Encouraging Word To Parents Who Have Children That Have Thought About Committing Suicide

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By Skye Thomas

One of my long time best friends called me the other night with a horrible pain in her heart. She needed someone to talk to. Rumor had it her daughter might be suicidal and she was trapped on a business trip until the next evening. Her husband was home handling the situation, but she wasn’t going to be okay until she could hold her daughter close. She needed to look deep into her daughter’s eyes to get a ‘read’ on what was really going on inside her mind. Until she could really sit down and talk to her daughter, she could at least pick my brain as to what to do. We talked a bit about when we were seventeen, and I tried to commit suicide. Now, all these years later, what could I say to my friend or to her daughter to make it all better?

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home and had no reason to believe that I was loved or had any sort of an emotional support system. That’s not what threw me over the edge although looking back I think it set the stage by insuring a very low self esteem when entering high school. I wanted to die because I was in love with two boys who were best friends and I knew I’d never be able to choose between them. It was more than I could bear. I wanted to escape the pain of dating one and longing for the other. Both were amazing wonderful souls.

I had met one when we were fifteen and we’d fallen instantly into a wonderful relationship. He was my first true love. He was struggling with his mother’s new husband and became very distant and moody. In my insecurity, I assumed he wasn’t interested in me anymore. To test my theory, I scribbled out a heart he’d drawn on his notebook with our names in it. He took it to mean that I was dumping him and seemed at peace with the idea. I was too hurt and insecure to admit that I was just testing him and didn’t really want to break up. He was too hurt and insecure to stop me. Neither of us knew how to speak openly from our hearts. He occasionally asked me out on dates after that. I would think we were about to get back together and then he’d be gone again. He had moved to a nearby town to live with his dad and stepmother. He gave me the telephone number of his best friend to call if I ever needed to reach him.

One night after a year of him dropping in and out of my life and stealing my heart every time, I finally called his friend to find out when he’d be back in town and more importantly, would he ever get back together with me? According to his best friend, the love of my life thought I was a slut even though I was still a virgin and he had no intentions of getting back together with me. However, his best friend was there to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. The best friend was every bit as wonderful and amazing as the first, but in his own unique different ways. We really loved each other. We were sixteen and planning to get married when we turned twenty.

Since they were best friends, my ex would drop in on us to visit and hang out. It was extremely difficult for me to see him during those visits. My head said I should hate him, but my heart still danced a jig every time he walked in the room. My ex and I ended up having a long talk one night. He confessed that he really did say that I was a slut, but that he regretted it and never really felt that way about me. It was just stupid sixteen-year-old boy emotions tied up with our past together He thought I was better off dating his best friend and gave his blessing. It killed me. I was still in love with him and he was telling me to stay with his best friend. His best friend was the sweetest kindest boy I’d ever dated. Neither of us would ever dream of hurting such a beautiful soul. I couldn’t tell either of them that I was in love with both and for months I slowly went insane unable to speak openly with either, terrified they’d both reject me.

Eventually, I snapped and couldn’t bear the pain of wanting one and the guilt of never wanting to hurt the other. I suspect that it’s some kind of a primitive fight or flight mechanism that gets triggered when we become bombarded by negative emotions. When we feel that the situation is hopeless and we have no way of changing the dynamic, then we can’t fight it. So, we need to flee and suicide is the ultimate form of taking flight. It’s really hard during that time to stop and logically realize that emotions are ever changing and as such they don’t have to be fought nor avoided. You just have to wait them out and make positive choices and changes to promote the shift in dynamics that are creating the overwhelming emotions we want to run from. At seventeen, I couldn’t see that.

I also think that if a teenager doesn’t believe that anyone will cry for them when they’re gone, then suicide becomes a very real consideration. Years later when I had two toddlers and my life was a mess, I found myself wanting to escape from life’s pain again. It was completely different that time. I knew that my two children would be heart broken and psychologically screwed up for life if I committed suicide. As a single mom, I was their only sense of security. I was their whole world. I could get depressed enough to want to run away from my problems, but I could never seriously consider suicide like I had in high school. Someone needed me and would be destroyed if I left. Perhaps that’s where the answer to teen suicide lies. Does the teenager believe that someone else’s life will become unbearable if they die?

Almost two years ago, my son came to me in tears and told me that he was suicidal. The idea of life without my child was, more than I could bear. I knew first hand what it feels like to be in so much pain that you just want to die. To imagine my own child feeling that way was worse than anything I’ve ever endured. We talked a long time about the things that had destroyed his will to live. We talked a lot about the ‘feeling’ of being suicidal. We talked mostly about how it’s bad enough to have someone you love die unexpectedly in a car wreck or from Cancer or something. It’s an entirely different thing to lose them because they chose to leave. I told him to imagine how he would feel if I committed suicide. The pain he felt just imagining it brought him close to tears. He said he couldn’t bear it if I did that to him. I told him with tears in my own eyes that I felt the same way. My daughter joined in and in tears she put aside all of their sibling rivalries and poured out her heart regarding how incredibly painful it would be for her if he ever died. We were very close in those next few weeks as we worked together to make a lot of changes in his world and in his outlook. He’s doing wonderfully now. He is very happy in a new school, with a girlfriend that is the love of his life, and he’s found his old zest for life’s adventures again.

So, I guess my advice is this…. Tell her what her death would mean to you. Does she really know in her heart of hearts how much you love her? Don’t assume anything. Yeah, you have to take her in to some kind of a therapist. But, whatever you do, don’t make her feel like some kind of a screwed up nut. And don’t ignore this. Even if she’s just talking about suicide to get attention, find out why. She may be testing the waters, looking to see if anyone would even care. There’s nothing more depressing than finding out that nobody would care if you dropped dead tomorrow. Find a way to make her see that emotions are temporary and that together you can fix anything that life throws at you. Does she know you’re in her corner? Help her change her life. Find out what it is she’s struggling with and coach her, guide her, help her to create positive changes. Teach her how to overcome the pain rather than to succumb to it.

Skye Thomas began writing books and articles with an everyday practical approach to life in 1999 after twenty years of studying spirituality, metaphysics, astrology, personal growth, motivation, and parenting. After years of high heels and business clothes, she is currently enjoying working from home in her pajamas. Go towww.TomorrowsEdge.net to read more of her articles and to get a free preview of one of her books.

Conditional Love Is A Spiritual Contradiction

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By Richard Blackstone

The paradigm of unity consciousness and love takes us away from fear and tells us that at our core we are love. This perspective of life says that we are not separate from our source but that we are one with the source and were created with the same powers and abilities as the source. Once again, “because we are one with the source.”

The concept of oneness says that in order for us to know ourselves as the love that is our very core, we must also know what love is not. We have a burning desire to experience what love is. So the opposite of love, which is fear, was created in the relative world for us to experience love.

The core of believing yourself to be separate from all things is fear. The core of believing yourself to be on with all things is love. Fear keeps us separate. Love makes us one.

Love is the glue that bonds us and holds the heavens and the earth together, because love is our very core. When you peel away all the other skins of our emotional onion what is at the core is love. (Love exists in all the other skins of this emotional onion as well)

In order for us to understand the full power and extent of love we have to know that we cannot contain love. If we are going to put such a powerful label on something that we call it the glue that holds everything together, then that glue must have powerful properties indeed. One might say all-powerful properties, truly God-like properties.

And if we are going to say that love is the glue that holds it all together then we cannot put limits on it. Love is limitless in its scope and universal in its inception. Love is everywhere and part of everything. God is love and love is God.

And if love is a part of all that exists, and it is, then there is nothing that love is not, including fear. And all things that are described as fear based, such as anger, hate, greed and coveting are all aspects of love. These aspects of love are in the relative world to show us what love, when experienced in less than pure form, is not.

We experience what love is not when we put conditions on what love really is. It is this conditional love that expresses the aspects of love that we are not. And it is conditional love that we subscribe to in the separation paradigm of the universe, because this paradigm is based in fear. And it is in the fear that we have of a vengeful God that the whole mythology by which we live was originated.

It all starts with the idea that says we are separate from God and dependant upon him for entry into heaven. From the beginning we believe that God has set conditions on his love. God will love you and allow you into heaven if you follow his commandments and if you believe in him the right way. These are the conditions and it’s up to God to judge whether these conditions have been met.

The proponents of the concept of separation tell us that this God is a loving God, but then they set the conditions of his love. One of the conditions is that we must fear him because he may judge us badly. So which is it, a good God who loves us or a God we must fear? This theory tells us it is both, because this God rules with conditional love.

We take this base thought into the world of the relative where we live and project that idea into our love relationships. We have created a concept of love conceived in a fear-based mentality. The concept that we define as “love” can truly be re-defined as “conditional love.” Unfortunately “conditional love” is what dominates our very experience of love.

Our first experience of this conditional love mentality began with our parents and their love for us as children. Their conditioning told them, and they passed on to you, the idea that you needed to act and conform to certain rules and regulations that they knew about but you didn’t.

When you acted within the rules you were given the love reward that you found not only pleasing but that you came to cherish. When you didn’t contain your unconditional love of your newly found earthly experience in a manner that conformed to their rules, (their conditioned love) then the love that you came to cherish was withheld from you. You were held hostage to their love. Sometimes subtle, sometimes brutal, but either way it was a conditioning exercise designed to limit you to experience love as a conditional concept.

As you ventured out into the world you took this fear-based love with you and began using it in your love relationships. You gave out your love conditionally and you received love back conditionally. Even though you could see the consequences of this less than pure love, you felt powerless to stop yourself, because you had been conditioned and the concept is so pervasive that to do anything else seems to go against everything you had been taught.

We have lived so long with this paradigm and its ideas have been so ingrained into the whole strata of our societal thinking that most of the world believes that this is the way it is and there is nothing we can do about it.

The reality is that conditional love exists and pervades our society because that is what we have created. If we want to live in a world of unconditional love and reap the joyful consequences thereof we need merely choose unconditional love and then create that.

Richard Blackstone is an award winning author and international speaker on Love, Oneness & Creation. Journey into discovery of Self by reading this FREE report; “The 3 Simple Immutable Laws of the Universe” at: http://www.NutsandBoltsSpirituality.com 

Letters To My Daughters – Part 2: Health

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By Neysa Ellery Taylor

Dear Asyen and Maya,So, how did you like Part 1?  Well, here is Part 2 – Health.  Quit laughing.  I know, I know.  My health isn’t the best.  But I can still tell you what not to do, right?  So here goes..1 – Never work out.  Ever.  Instead find what you enjoy doing and do it.  If you love rock climbing, then climb rocks.  If you love dancing, then dance.  If you love running, then run.  I like walking.  I like the silence and time to myself.  I love dancing but it’s hard finding adult dance classes.  Unfortunately, many adults stop doing what they love when they get older.  Don’t you stop.  Always do something that feeds you and works your heart! To be honest, I hate the gym.  I really do.  I always feel like a gerbil on a wheel inside the gym.  But I do enjoy taking advantage of the Y pool in the summer so I keep a membership.  So if you2 – Drink water.  Drink lots of water.  It helps in so many ways.  I don’t like it, but it is important to drink it.  And don’t add anything to it except real lemon.3 – Make poo.  Poo is important.  Very important.  I know it is gross.  I know most people don’t talk about it, but trust me, digestive health is very important.

4 – Get your wellness check ups.  With the way insurance rates are rising and personal budgets are declining, lots of people stop going to get wellness visits with their doctor.  Go at least once a year for a check up.  See where you are on the medical tests.  Discuss your family history with your doctor.  Set a health goal and go for it!  Knowledge is power especially when it comes to your health.

5 – Wear your retainer.  Wear your retainer.  Wear your retainer.  Why?  Because your dad and I did not wear  our retainer and our teeth are shifting.  And who wants braces twice in a lifetime?  No one!  So after your braces come off, please wear your retainer faithfully.

6 – Trust yourself.  If you feel that something is wrong with your body, trust yourself.  Seek answers.  Don’t let doctors give you a just any old diagnoses.  Remember my tummy?  I never would have gotten any relief if I didn’t push the doctor for more.  You know your body.  Trust yourself when it comes to your body.

7 – Eat to live.  Try to eat more veggies and fruit than everything else.   Don’t waste your time eating crap.  Eat items that you love (Asyen – cheesecake, Maya – chips) in moderation.

Ok, so this is just 7 tips for heath.  Here is a disclaimer:  I get to add more as I see fit.  (But you knew that was coming, right?)

Love you more everyday!
~Mama

Neysa Ellery Taylor is an integral part of the writing team here at Blackloveandmarriage.com. She lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work atMyriadthatisme.blogspot.com

Let’s Talk About Cultural Integrity

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By Lana Moline

If you’ve ever taken a spanish lesson in school then you should remember the first two chapters that explain the variances in dialect and the regions where each are spoken.  I will admit that in junior high and high school I was probably a little bored with those chapters but in context, they make perfect sense.  I can say that for all of my years studying spanish, I speak “un poco de espanol” (some spanish) but more than just that, I appreciate the lessons of being true to the culture when speaking by not over-emphasizing or under-emphasizing any of the accents.  It just may sound foolish or even be offensive if those rules are ignored.  The bottom line is:  learn it all correctly, don’t wing it,  or over compensate in any way.

I suppose if there was a manual for life, we would benefit from introductory chapters profiling “do” and “do nots.”  We could flourish by simply understanding the history of why things exists as they do.  We just might be surprised to learn the origin of something that may appear to be extremely negative in modern society.  The bandwagon moves pretty fast sometimes and unfortunately things may get lost in translation.  That is why reading and history are so important.  We can’t just rely on the movie versions or “cliff notes” when we are trying to gain knowledge of a subject or situation.  It is imperative that we start at the beginning and process the evolution step by step.  That’s just wisdom!  I commend my teachers for taking the time to go through those chapters.  That enigmatic lesson also taught me that it is in my best interest each time to learn all that I can about everything because who knows where life may lead.

Thinking in terms of cultural integrity, there are norms both spoken and unspoken.  By spending a little time, asking or studying to understand, we can be clear on why a process is in place.  Often times societal and cultural norms that differ from ours are dismissed simply because they are not understood and when that happens, problems arise.  We can preserve cultural integrity by making sure that we employ synergy in our speech, tone, demeanor and actions.  It all works best and we all get along great when step correctly to one another.  We can not dismiss the other person’s introductory chapters.  Everyone has a few and when we listen closely, we will hear that they are offered freely.

Lana Moline is an integral part of the Blackloveandmarriage.com writing team, freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her atLana Moline Speaks.


Letters To My Daughters – Part 1: God Is…..

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By Neysa Ellery Taylor

So, I’ve been mulling over this blog for a few days.  Why? Because while the idea is heavy on my heart, it is a huge undertaking.  What do you say to your child?  Your daughter?  I want to say everything.  So after much contemplation I decided to break it up. So this is Part 1 – the most important part – religion.Dear Asyen and Maya,

You know that when I write letters I very rarely write “dear.”  I just never liked that as an opening word.  But you both are truly dear to me so today it’s appropriate.

There is so much that I want to tell you and I am afraid I am going to forget something.  I don’t want to leave anything out.  I’m not worried that I am dying or that I won’t tell you, but I want to make sure I don’t forget anything.  And you know me.  I process by writing.  So here goes… Part 1.

I honestly was never a fan of religion.  Let me be real honest.. I am still not a fan of religion.  But I am a fan of relationship.  I am a HUGE fan of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.  That may sound trivial to call myself a fan, but I am a fan.  Here is why I wasn’t a real organized religion person.  I spent the first 8 years of school at Catholic school.  While I am sure it was a great school, I never felt home there.  I don’t look back on my time there – at school or at church – with fond memories.  Honestly, I always felt like a fish out of water.  What you probably don’t know is that I spent almost every other weekend at my mom’s baptist church.  But guess what?  I didn’t feel any more comfortable there either.  Neither location was a spiritual home for me.  While I always believed, I believed from afar.  But I came to get to know Jesus after Asyen was born.   Later my faith took a huge leap when your daddy and I had some marital turbulence.   While that was (is) my journey and every journey is different, there are some things that i definitely want you to know.

1.  God is awesome.  Don’t let anything ever tell you otherwise.  God is awesome, powerful, and omnipotent.
2.  God is loving.  God loves you and cares about you so much that He gave His only Son for you.  That is huge!  Amazing!  Wonderful!
3.  The road won’t be automatically easy just because you love Jesus.  But it will be easier than if you don’t love Jesus.  Why?  Because your ability to handle hard times will be different.  Because you love Him and He loves you, you will be better equipped to handle hard times.
4.  Don’t let people stop you from getting to know God.  You may run across mean churches or mean church leaders, but you have to remember that they are people.  God is God.  By Himself.  In a field, in a city, in the bathroom, everywhere.. God is God and doesn’t need any help from us.
5.  Listen to the Holy Spirit when he tells you something.  Don’t worry about anyone else when God speaks to you.  Trust God.
6.  Talk to God often.  Thank Him.  Praise Him. Worship Him.  Ask Him.  Pray to Him.  Talk to Him.  Don’t worry about form or fashion.  You don’t have to do jumping jacks or run around the sanctuary.  Talk to Him often.  He is listening and always ready to help guide you.
7.  Sometimes God will say “no” or “wait” and you won’t like it.  It’s ok.  I didn’t lke it either.  But when He says “no” it is for a good reason.  And when He says “wait, have patience, trust Him.  Rushing God doesn’t work – believe me.  His timing is perfect even if it frustrates you.  (You will have to remind yourself of this principle often.)

This is a good starter.  I am sure that there is more that I will add but know this:  God is.  That is a great place to start.

I love you both so much.

~Mama

 Neysa Ellery Taylor is an integral part of the writing team here at Blackloveandmarriage.com. She lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work atMyriadthatisme.blogspot.com

Why Pity Parties Don’t Work

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By Lana Moline

Sooner or later we all find ourselves in the dumps, pulling the cover over our heads, waiting for the discomfort to pass us by.  Anger, fear, disappointment or misfortune may have ushered us to this point and sometimes we find it difficult to just bounce right back to whatever normalcy means for us.  So for a while, we stew!  We sit in our emotions and blame ourselves, everything and everyone for all of our life’s failures and pronounce that we simply have nothing to contribute to the world, announce the beginning of the pity party and solicit guests to attend.  The problem is, others have seen and know your potential despite what you are feeling, few are comfortable with joining in a self beat down.
Pity parties are never a good idea.  It happens when we give in to momentary feelings of overwhelming emotion caused by any of life’s events.  Complexities such as money woes, relationship or family issues can indeed be extremely devastating and how we respond to those situations matter.  Wisdom dictates that we rise to the occasion seeking whatever means of support necessary.  The same way we encourage a failing or struggling student to get tutoring in a subject, we should seek out assistance from experts or others who have overcome in areas where we find ourselves in temporary disarray.
Although a setback can feel like a long time, in retrospect it really isn’t.  Things happen.  It hurts.  We’re bruised or even injured.  But we heal, grow stronger and move forward.  A pity party will impede that process.  By lingering too long, we introduce other factors that may be irrational or even irrelevant to the issue and even go off course.  In the end, a pity party can hinder growth.  So if you want to lose the weight, get off of the couch and workout.  Don’t get upset each time someone thin passes by.  If you want to start a business then research what it takes to get your business off of the ground.  Strategize your move toward reaching your goal and then get up and do something.
I spoke with Christian Counselor, Kendra Forbes, LPC who offered a few tips on resisting the urge to plan an all out pity party.
  • Take baby steps to getting there.  Everyone knows their limitations are what that they can endure.  Think of a small immediate plan.
  • Have a support system/accountability partner because you can’t do it alone.
  • Examine the source and it’s its negative thought patterns then do positive self talk, meditation or even a mantra.
  • Pray continuously.

 

Lana Moline is an integral part of the Blackloveandmarriage.com writing team, freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her atLana Moline Speaks.

HIV Among Black Women In 6 Cities Exceeds National Average

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By Meredith Cohn

African American women in six U.S. cities are becoming infected with HIV at a rate five times the national average for black women, and closer to the rates of some African countries, according to a new study.

Researchers at Johns Hopkins University and around the country who made the findings suspected the rates were relatively high in these “hot spots” that have battled the epidemic for decades, but the numbers still came as a surprise in a field that tends to focus more on black and gay men.

The researchers found that in Baltimore; Atlanta; Newark, N.J.; New York City; Raleigh-Durham, N.C.; and Washington, the annual rate of infection was 24 per 10,000 black women. Nationally, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that black women become infected at a rate of 5 per 10,000.

The rate in Congo is 28 per 10,000.

The study was conducted with funding from the National Institutes of Health by researchers who are part of a national consortium called the HIV Prevention Trials Network. The data were presented March 8 at the 19th annual Conference on Retroviruses and Opportunistic Infections in Seattle.

Baltimore declared HIV a public health emergency in 2002, but the numbers of infected people continue to rise, particularly among at-risk groups, including IV drug users and gay and bisexual men.

Dr. Patrick Chaulk, assistant commissioner for HIV and STDservices in the Baltimore Health Department, said a large share of the city’s resources to combat HIV go to men because they make up two-thirds of new cases in the city. Nationally it’s about three-quarters, according to the CDC.

But the city and partners at the state and in academic and nonprofit circles haven’t forgotten the women, Chaulk said. He cited programs aimed at drug users and sex workers, among others.

Every week, one city project sends a van with health workers to the Block, Baltimore’s red-light district. The workers have built trust among the people there, and not only test for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases but also offer reproductive health services, needle exchanges and assistance in securing health insurance and housing.

Through the program, the city reported testing 4,660 women last year for HIV, including 3,362 African American women. About seven were found to be positive for infection and referred for treatment.

The new study underscores the urgency in addressing the problem, said Dr. William A. Blattner, chairman of the City’s Commission on HIV/AIDS Prevention and Treatment, which developed the Baltimore plan to reduce infections.

About the black women in particular, he said, “HIV continues to impact our most vulnerable and marginalized, in particular economically disadvantaged women whose risk is compounded by gender inequality and potential barriers to substance-abuse interventions.”

Reaching those women won’t be easy, said Patrice Henry, a patient advocate at Johns Hopkins who was diagnosed with HIV in 1995.

Many women put off being tested because of the stigma still associated with HIV and AIDS, Henry said. They fear telling family and partners. Many don’t have insurance.

“Women also tend not to put their medical concerns first,” she said. “They either think this won’t happen to them or they still find it a sensitive issue to discuss.”

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‘If I’m Perfect, No One Will Reject Me’

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By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Do you believe that being “perfect” gives you control over how people feel about you?”

If you do, then you are coming from 3 big false beliefs that are causing you much unhappiness.

FALSE BELIEF #1

“I can have control over how people feel about me.”

Think for a moment whether or not others have control over how you feel about them. Can someone do everything “right” and be “perfect” in their own eyes, yet you don’t enjoy being around them or you don’t feel connected with them?

Of course!

Others may influence how you feel about them, but they have no control over how you feel about them. If you are a basically accepting person, then you might like them even if they get angry or withdrawn. If you are generally a judgmental person, then there may be little they can do for you to like them.

Now turn this around regarding how others feel about you. Since you have no control over whether or not another person is accepting or judgmental, it stands to reason that you also have no control over how they feel about you, regardless of how perfectly loving, open, caring, giving, understanding, handsome, beautiful, or rich you are.

FALSE BELIEF #2

“There is a standard of perfectionism and I can reach it.”

I grew up believing that there was a “right” and “perfect” way to be. Then I learned that what I thought was right and perfect was not necessarily what others thought was right and perfect. In fact, it seemed that each person had a completely different understanding of what it means to be perfect!

This was quite distressing to me, as it took away my illusion of control over how people felt about me. At that time many years ago, I was terrified of rejection, so it gave me great comfort to believe that if only I was perfect enough, then I would never be rejected. Without a standard of perfection, what would be my guiding light to feel safe?

FALSE BELIEF #3

“I am basically flawed and need to strive to cover up my flaws and appear to be better than I am.”

As long as I believed that I was basically flawed in some way, I was afraid of rejection. When I learned how to connect with my spiritual Guidance and see myself through the eyes of truth rather than through the eyes of my parents and others, I was able to see that my soul essence – my core Self – is already perfect, a perfect individualized expression of the Divine.

What was flawed were my beliefs that were programmed into me and needed to be healed.

HEALING PERFECTIONISM

Imagine how life would be for you if you knew that you were already perfectly wonderful and incredible just the way you are in your true Self? What if you could separate out the flawed, wounded, programmed part of you – the part you created to help you survive pain – from the magnificent part of you that God created. What if you could see that your ego wounded self – with all your fears and protections and ways of trying to have control over getting love and avoiding pain – is NOT who you are.

Then, instead of perfectionism being your guiding light, being fully and passionately yourself becomes your guiding light!

I assure you, this is a MUCH easier way to live!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com/welcome and visit our website athttp://www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help.