By Ilex Bien-Aime

Marriage is WORK, if you didn’t know before, now you know! It’s a full time commitment that never sleeps, it must be strengthened, and it must be nourished. Besides God, it is the most important relationship that you will ever have. This person has now become “blood of my blood and flesh of my flesh.”

We have been taught that marriage is a 50/50 venture. Some of us have heard that it will not always be 50/50 but sometimes it will be 60/40, 80/20, or whatever other ratios that you can come up with. Often times they teach that your partner will not always give you everything. They also tell you that you may not always give your spouse your all. This gets repeated so much that we really don’t question or challenge it, we just accept it as the gospel.

To me, a marriage that is not 100/100, is a marriage that is being short changed. Even if you are giving 99/1, you are not giving your all. Many of us are “Randy Mossing” our marriages. We show up when we want to show up and we take plays off. We say that if we don’t have things exactly our way, that we are going to ignore the needs of the other team member. To me this is a marriage that is not using it’s full potential.

Don’t get me wrong, we are human beings and as humans, we have to fight the urge not to lollygag. Let’s face it, 100 percent is not always an easy thing to give. Sometimes we wake up and we really don’t feel like going all out. There are times when we want to do our own thing and not have to worry about another person. For so long we have been individual players, and now we are team members for life.

Marriage in my opinion should be more like Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan. It’s like having a love and a passion that is so strong, that you always want the best. You never saw these guys take a play off and even when they put up great numbers, they were always thinking about what they could have done and should be able to do better. There was never a time that you could say that these guys short changed you. You should give the same to your spouse. They should always feel that you are trying and see that your are tirelessly working to make things right between the two of you.

Giving 100 percent does not mean that things will be perfect and that your marriage will be perfect. Magic Johnson, in his best year, shot 91 percent from the free throw line. Michael Jordan, who is considered by many to be the greatest basketball player ever, shot less than 50 percent from the field. Giving your all does not mean that you will make every shot or that you will never mess up. What it does mean, is that you play your heart out and you always seek for the best you have to offer. Your spouse will have no choice but to respect you, knowing that you are giving your all.

Between Magic and Michael, they played 28 years in the NBA. Amongst the two of them, they won 11 NBA titles. What does this mean? It means that even with giving your  all, there will be some disappointments. There are always some Boston Celtics and Detroit Pistons standing in your way. You just learn how to defeat them and never let them defeat you even when it seems as if they have won.

Let’s face it, even the best of us will face rough times and situations but that is not an excuse to give up. You owe it to the team to show up and be ready to play each and everyday. You owe it to them to give 100 percent. When you need a breather, discuss what can be done so that you come back refreshed and ready to reign victorious. If it is difficult to beat the Celtics with giving your all, you know you won’t win when you don’t give your all. The same can be said in a marriage!

My name is Ilex Bien-Aime and I live in Washington, DC. I write as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. I write as a man who wants to give my future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly I write what I write because my female friends are always asking my opinion about these situations. Connect with Ilex at Iamsayingit.blogspot.com or via email atilexbienaime@gmail.com.

By Dr. Dale Atkins

For most people, the picture of a perfect marriage is a white picket fence and eternal happiness. But just how to achieve that bliss is subject to wide debate: Do babies really bring you closer? Should you be concerned if you’re not having much sex? How much should you tell your spouse? Let’s separate the marriage myths from reality.

Your spouse is your best friend

If you think this way, you’ll be in for a big disappointment. Over the years, you definitely develop an amazing friendship with the person you are married to. But it doesn’t necessarily start off that way. You develop that respect because you have your own life and your own interests and you support each other through illness, bad times, and death. That is what the basis of the friendship is about.

A best friend is someone you go to the movies with, that you have a lot in common with. But you need someone who you can go through life with, depending and relying on — and that takes time. And you may not tell your spouse everything, but it doesn’t mean you are not close.

Don’t go to bed angry

When you are lying next to someone and you are seething anger, it’s not good. The best thing is to table things so you don’t feel like you want to murder the person sleeping next to you. Remind yourself of all the positive things about this person and hopefully you will have a fresh eye in the morning. If you are that angry with somebody, you might not hear what they are saying anyway. It becomes unproductive.

Is there a problem if one of you sleeps on the couch? Well, it might be a problem if one of you doesn’t! As long as you are not running away, then you are all right. But if you need time to think, that’s one thing. If it becomes weeks at a time, it’s a problem.

Don’t worry if you don’t have sex

On the one hand, people are so busy, that sex becomes something else you have to do. But it should be a way to unwind, to be playful together. It doesn’t have to be a whole romantic evening, it can be a quickie. The myth is that you are going to want to have sex every night, and that is just not what happens.

People are different, and marriages — good marriages — are based on lots of different factors Some people have really good marriages and make love a lot, and some make less. Most people who have really good marriages make love. They do it in ways that are important to each of them. So if you are not having sex, it is something to examine.

The balance definitely changes as you get older. But you have to be careful that you are getting what you need. You don’t want to get into a boring pattern where you are no longer interested in your mate or want to share your life with them.

Babies bring you closer

Babies can bring you closer in many ways. But it’s so hard on the body and the mind and the emotions — people are exhausted, and constantly questioning whether they are doing it right Usually the woman feels she is doing way more than her share and is very resentful and disappointed in her partner, but most of it initially is hormones. A woman’s body goes nuts. There are wonderful moments of parenting children together, but it’s important to maintain and really nurture your marriage when you have new children in it.

Most people put most of their energy into their kids. If you can afford child care, get someone to baby-sit and go out to dinner. Or rent a movie and cuddle up together — don’t go on your respective BlackBerries. For some people, nighttime is the only time they have to do laundry or clean the house. But try to take an hour, and be sure to focus on talking about something other than the baby.

Don’t fight in front of the kids

It all depends on how you define “fight.” It can be very frightening to observe parents going at it. You have to be civil with each other. But if you fight fair, you can be teaching your children how to have a disagreement respectfully. Most people don’t fight fair; they call each other names, they diminish each other. And most children don’t know what to do and they mimic it. If you know how to fight and can fight fair, then very often you then have to make up in front of the kids as well. Let them see that this is a process — so they see how mom and dad get along.

You have a responsibility as a parent to teach your children how to interact with other people in difficult times and good times. We spend a lot of time teaching them please and thank you, but we don’t give them any lesson at all about how you fight, disagree, how you can agree to disagree, because generally we all get too hot-headed.

If you learn how to fight civilly, I would say you’ll fight less. You will learn how to come to solutions rather than fight.

Don’t take your spouse for granted

If you can’t rely on them, who can you rely on? Of course, don’t treat them like an old shoe. That is really very important when you build trust in a relationship, that you can rely on the person but you don’t take advantage of their love and their commitment. You still consider them and treat them very specially.

You want to feel secure in your relationship but at the same time, you have to show them how much you count on them and rely on them. Nobody wants to be taken for granted — everyone wants to be appreciated. You have to let the person know they are appreciated. Don’t assume they know you appreciate them — even if you say “Thank you” or “I don’t know how to do it without you.” Let them know they are the person you want to be with, and you have to remind yourself why you are with them. Remove yourself from seeing the dirty T-shirts … the weight gain … sometimes it’s hard to focus on what’s positive and remind yourself what a great person they are.

Dale V. Atkins, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist who has more than twenty-five years of experience as a relationship expert, focusing on families, couples, parenting, aging well, managing stress and maintaining balance in one’s life. Visit her at drdaleatkins.com