The Meantime In-Between Time LOVE

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By Talayah G. Stovall 

We’ve all been there. We’ve spent time with someone who we knew was “temporary” until the “right one” comes along. Sometimes, we even fool ourselves into thinking that that someone is the right one. We have all tried to shave the edges off some square pegs in order to fit them into round holes. There is something about “Mr. In the Meantime” that keeps you engaged in the relationship. It might be his kindness, his looks, his personality or his bank account (or, it might be just our own desire not to be alone). But, there is also something about him that you know is a “deal breaker.” While it is sometimes very difficult to let go of a relationship, we should never hold on to a relationship just to be in one.

Meantime relationships help pass the time while you are still searching. Unfortunately, while you are spending valuable time with someone who clearly lacks the qualities you desire, just to have someone with whom to spend time, you might be unavailable or unaware when Mr. Right knocks on the door. Meantime relationships are often merely filling in the emotional, and sometimes physical, gaps that are present when we seek the temporary elimination of feelings of loneliness.

Sometimes we use “Mr. In the Meantime” to help us recover from a relationship whose ending was either abrupt or particularly painful. A girlfriend of mine once remarked, “The best way to get over one man is another man.” This thinking perpetuates into rebound relationships that are often more painful when they end – and they will end – than the one from which you are trying to heal. Whenever we say goodbye to someone we love, even when we know that that person is not right for us, it hurts. We can save ourselves much heartache by recognizing and acknowledging from the beginning, that the Meantime man is not right for us, instead of trying to force a relationship. And, once we recognize and acknowledge that, we can free ourselves for a deeper love and commitment with the one who is our destiny.

Choosing a mate is a serious decision which will impact the rest of your life. It is a decision that can make or break you. Don’t be swayed by charm and style that have the appearance of authenticity, and don’t settle for second best; it is not worth it in the long run. Solid relationships are built on friendship, honesty and sincerity. Proverbs 7:5 warns us to “Beware of the stranger who flatters with words.” Some people will tell you what you want to hear, but their actions will reveal that they are totally insincere. It is so important to watch and listen. If he “looks like a duck”, but acts and sounds like a dog, he is either pretending to be something other than what he appears, or he is confused.

Women, especially, often allow feelings to overrule logic and common sense. That said, our intuition rarely leads us astray. If we are picking up a vibe that something is not right, usually something is not right. Pay attention to the signals and let him go. Do not hold on to hope when all the signs indicate that you should cut your losses.

The Bible reminds us that we will “know a tree by the fruit it bears.” Mr. In the Meantime might have the looks, the money and the prestige that impress us, but he might not have the character to match. Looks, money and prestige will fade away, but character is something that does not disappear.

We have all had periodic Meantime experiences, and some of them were effective for our growth and our transitions in life. Meantime relationships, however, will cause problems if we fail to see them for what they really are. Acknowledge them for what they are (a friendship, a learning experience, a nightmare…) and move on. If he is not right for you…do not give him access to your soul.

Have you ever entered into or stayed too long in a relationship that you knew was not ultimately right for you?

Make a list of the qualities that you are looking for in a mate. Use this list to evaluate your current romantic interest or keep the list in mind as you begin new relationships.

If you find that you tend to spend time in clearly Meantime relationships, use the following affirmation or create one of your own: “I will no longer cheat myself or anyone else by spending time in relationships that are going nowhere. I will be clear on the qualities that are important to me and will not try to force a relationship where there should not be one.”

Talayah G. Stovall is an author and motivational speaker. Her book, Crossing the Threshold: Opening Your Door to Successful Relationships, and eBook, 150 Important Questions You Should Ask Before You Say “I Do” are available on her website talayahstovall.com.

4 Mistakes That Married Men Make

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By Lanesha Townsend

Yes, both men and women can be guilty of things that not only make a harmonious union more of a challenge, but sometimes even sabotage the whole relationship. 

That said, there are some very male-specific habits and behaviors that many women agree need to be worked on…not only for women’s happiness, not only to strengthen the beautiful union you’re trying to build together, but even to help both of you be healthier.

“Over time, negative feelings in a relationship that aren’t addressed can lead to physical and psychological problems,” says Silver Spring, Md.-based psychologist Gloria Vanderhorst, PhD. These problems can include stress, anxiety and depression.

Here are some of the top behaviors that wives tend to be concerned with the most:

1. Being too self-focused when it comes to sex.

In the bedroom, many men overlook, ignore, or assume what their wives need to feel comfortable and get turned on. While going from zero to sixty in just a few minutes isn’t as much of a challenge for men, women’s bodies tend to work a little differently, and therefore need more pre-sex attention and time to truly get in the mood.

In addition, men often assume that sex all by itself is a demonstration of closeness; however, in order to enjoy sex more, women generally need to feel more emotionally connected to a man…prior to sex.

Next time: Prior to turning the lights down low, ask your wife what puts her in the mood, how she’s feeling, and what makes her feel special and sexy. Then, make an effort to do more of those things more often.

2. Not understanding her feelings and listening enough.

Instead of listening to their wives, men often go into “fix-it” mode, analyzing the situation, but overlooking what she’s really trying to say. Women want to feel that their spouse is actively engaged in the conversation…not just trying to solve problems.

“Empathy is the most important part of any relationship,” says psychologist Albert Maslow, PhD. “It’s the ability to recognize and share someone else’s feelings. Women want their feelings to be understood and validated. Men have to discover this.”

Next time: Listen to your wife, talk about how she’s feeling, and demonstrate an interest in what she’s saying, not just the facts of the problem at hand.

3. Assuming the “king of the castle” role

Consciously or unconsciously, men assign themselves the leadership role in the relationship, when actually, a couple’s relationship really needs to be one of shared leadership. Some men don’t get that being a man doesn’t always mean taking charge.

“They try to get what they want by being dominant,” Maslow says. “But it’s not about making demands or trying to overpower her. Women will pull away from that.”

For example, one common mistake that men often make is making decisions that affect the household without consulting with their spouse first, such as making a large purchase.

“Making big purchases such as buying a car without first consulting your wife is a huge no-no,” Vanderhorst says. In fact, she ranks it second only to infidelity when it comes to marriage-busting mistakes.

Next time: Acknowledge that marriage is a democracy, not a monarchy. Show your spouse the respect she deserves by being willing to compromise, and discuss matters that affect the household with your wife…before making decisions.

CLICK HERE to read more

The Golden Rule Of Marriage: Cause Only Those Things Which Your Spouse Is Able To Experience Easily.

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By Stan Dubin

I was reading a book called “New Slant on Life” by L. Ron Hubbard the other day and picked up two new jewels I want to share with you:

 

“There are two rules for happy living:

 

“1. Be able to experience anything.”

 

“2. Cause only those things which others are able to experience easily.”

 

I would first like to discuss rule #2: “Cause only those things which others are able to experience easily.”

 

How well do you apply this to your spouse? To your boyfriend; girlfriend? To your boss; your employees?

 

How often do you cause something that another does NOT experience easily? And when that does happen, what kind of other effects are you left with? You usually have upsets, some of which may linger for some time.

 

Step back and reflect for a few seconds. If you saw completely eye to eye with “cause only those things which others are able to experience easily”, you could virtually eliminate all upsets from your life.

 

If your marriage were free from upsets, what kind of an effect would this have?

 

Some people think that upsets are a “fact of life” and that every marriage has them. Well, so far that’s very true. They indeed are a fact of life. But you could go very far in reducing the number of upsets by applying just one principle: “cause only those things which others are able to experience easily.”

 

Next time you find yourself in a situation where your next action or your next communication is NOT going to be experienced easily, CHANGE the action, CHANGE the communication to something that CAN be experienced easily.

 

This principle may sound very, very simple. And indeed it is. But it is also very powerful.

 

Which brings us to rule #1: “Be able to experience anything.”

 

This principle doesn’t really leave much for interpretation, does it? Anything means anything! So whatever comes your way, be able to experience it.

 

If your wife comes up to you and tells you she just overdrew the checking account, BE ABLE TO EXPERIENCE that.

 

In this one example, we have the wife causing something that the husband might not experience very easily. But instead of the husband going into a major tirade, he decides that he is ABLE TO EXPERIENCE it. This situation has definite potential for causing an upset, an upset that might affect the overall condition of the marriage. But one person stepped up and applied one of the two rules for happy living.

 

Now, if BOTH partners were working earnestly on applying BOTH rules for happy living, we would indeed have a much happier marriage.

 

Use these two rules to the best of your ability. You will find every one of your relationships improving daily!

 

 

Stan Dubin has been married for over 25 years and during that time he’s used a good deal of information to keep his marriage at a high level.  Visit him at Marriage Success.com.

3 Ways To Love Your Husband Better

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By Ms. Kristina Marchant

If he seems to be losing interest, it could be that you haven’t been showing him enough interest.

Does it feel like your marriage is slowly unraveling?  Do you get the sense that your husband feels disenchanted with your union and is disinterested in you?  Your marriage may need a buff and polish.

Communicate From An Open Heart

Lots of nice wives, who go to church and have the respect of their families and communities, have an energy about them that makes their husbands feel castrated.

There is nothing attractive to a man about a woman who treats him like a son who needs to learn his lesson or do as he is told.  Your husband is not another variable in your life that needs to be controlled and managed.  Gaining his love and devotion isn’t something squeezed into your weekly to-do list.

Even if you are using all the right words, you may still be talking at him or down to him instead of with him.  Talk with your husband from a soft, loving, gentle and tender place inside you.  If you feel icy and angry, he’s going to feel that coming off you no matter how proper and kind you think you sound to him.  The emotion behind words is just as important as the words themselves.

Don’t think you can fool your husband with a line reading.  Stop being a ‘formal cold-fish’ and start speaking with your man from your heart.  Risk vulnerability and truth. (I know it’s scary, but it will help him have empathy for you).  Tell him how angry you really are inside. Look him in the eye and show him (with caring, calm and honest words) how much you are hurting and how much you need him.

Learn How To Let Go & Just Be With Him

I know there are only a certain amount of hours in the day and that you have to be efficient to get things done, but when you are with your husband, you have to be with your husband.

There is nothing more insulting to a man than being ignored by his wife.  If your husband is trying to tell you about something great that happened to him at the office, stop what you are doing and listen.  Or tell him that you want to hear everything once you have a moment together.  Don’t nod your head and pretend to hear him as you feed the kid, check the stove and type a text message.

We women are so funny.  We need connection and yet most of us have a hard time allowing a connection to take place.  I personally think we use activities that have to get done to protect ourselves from intimacy.  What would really happen if you stopped what you were doing for five minutes to hear your husband speak?  Or to embrace him?  Or to kiss him? (And by embrace him and kiss him I don’t mean, “Hey honey.  Quick hug.  Okay now get your hands off me and set the table!”)

When you feel that ‘buzz of busy wife’, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you’re in the ‘no intimacy zone’.  Try to drop what you are doing and connect with your man.  You may even find yourself reacting in a funny way, like crying or feeling angry inside.  Acknowledge those feelings and even say to him, “I feel angry right now.  Why?”  Let him soothe you and let your mind stay with him instead of obsessing over that one thing you have to get done.

You can even ask for his help when you know he needs you but you are busy: “I want to listen to you but I feel overwhelmed with all these chores.  Can you feed the baby and then I will have a few minutes to listen to your story.”   That way, if he says ‘No’, you are not at fault.

CLICK HERE to read more.

2 Tips To Communicate More Effectively With Your Unemployed Spouse

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By Dr. John L. Manni

Communication can make or break a relationship at home or at work.  Let’s view communication from the perspective of the sender and receiver.  How often as a sender of a message have you had to say: “That isn’t what I meant.”  Sometimes the message we try to send does not clearly express what we are trying to say. Examining what psychologists refer to as “I messages” versus “you messages” can help improve your communication skills.

I first encountered the phrase “I message” in Thomas Gordon’s book Parent Effectiveness Training (1970).  While he initially proposed the concept as a communication tool for parents, it quickly became apparent that the use of “I messages” could be generalized to many settings.

An example should prove useful. A wife who is worried about her unemployed husband’s wellbeing tries to check on him by stating: “You look defeated.”  Her husband, the receiver of the message, immediately begins to defend himself.  He responds angrily because he misinterprets her message.  He feels she thinks that he has given up and is not working hard enough to get a job.  He responds sarcastically, “I’m doing just great.  I’m looking as hard as I can.” Remember, the wife is worried about her husband’s wellbeing, not how hard he is working at getting a job. Yet the message she sends arouses defensiveness. From the perspective of communication theory, her mistake was to start her message with “you.” Another approach would be to start with an “I message.”  “I’m worried because looking for a job has to be frustrating and stressful.  I wish there was something I could do to help.”  Response by husband: “It is stressful, but your offer to help is really appreciated.”

“You statements” block effective communication because they often generate defensiveness, resistance or anger in the receiver.  Let’s look at some other examples:

“You’ll get another job if you only keep trying.”  Receiver gets defensive. “You think I’m not looking as hard as I should.

“You’ll feel better tomorrow.” Receiver gets resistant.  “No I won’t. Nothing will have changed. “

The above attempts to offer advice or support are well intentioned, but they serve to only block effective communication.

CLICK HERE to read more.

Are You Prepared For Married Life?

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So, what do you do to prepare for marriage anyway? When you fall in love and spend almost all of your time with your boo you feel like you’re a perfect fit. You know them better than they know themselves…or so you think. Please don’t get it twisted. No matter how you look at it There Is A Difference Between Being Married & Being Boyfriend/Girlfriend. Jennifer Erchul over at E-How.com gives a few quick tips on How To Prepare For Married Life. Check them out below.

1: Consider your current maturity and that of your partner. If you tend to party hard, fight over petty issues and break up just to get back together again, you need to grow up. Being married isn’t always a party. For a solid marriage to be a positive commitment for both parties, you need to understand the art of compromise and forgiveness and understand there will be moments of extreme frustration and anger. Learn how to manage these issues within yourself and your relationship before your wedding day.

2: Discuss your finances. Figure out how you will manage them as a married couple. Put financial goals in place, pay off debts and decide how your money will be shared or separated. Talk about spending habits, savings plans, future purchases and acceptable spending.

3: Attend pre-marriage counseling classes. These often discuss marriage roles, expectations and adult responsibilities. The classes teach healthy ways to disagree, methods for fair fighting and positive ways to communicate with your spouse. Some of these include learning how to apologize and not blame your partner for your emotions or thoughts; not assuming anything, like your partner’s emotional state or belief; figuring out ways to deal with the problem or concern and not criticizing your partner in the process and staying on the issue and not dredging up past arguments or concerns.

4: Live with a roommate for at least six months. You will see how differently people keep house, do dishes and tidy up. You’ll learn to deal with different personalities, schedules and ways of living.

5: Talk to married couples. Ask them what they love about married life. Find out what’s difficult about being married. Find out what their struggles are and how they overcome them as a couple. Learn ways to keep married life fun and exciting. Get tips on how to keep the romance alive.

CLICK HERE for the full article.

Marriage Does Matter

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By Tom Donelson

Does marriage matter? With the debate swirling around the decline of the middle class, the inability to move a percentage of those below poverty downward and the future of the family structure; the question that needs to be asked is, does marriage matter?

From an economic point of view, there is no doubt that marriage does matter. Thirty-five percent of black families headed by single females live in poverty compared to 7% of black families, and 38% of Hispanic single female heads of households live in poverty compared to 12% of married Hispanic couples. Living in a single parent home increases the chances of children living in poverty and receiving government assistance.

Marriage is a significant factor in poverty and as Heritage Foundation Researcher Robert Rector noted, “Marriage remains America’s strongest anti-poverty weapon. As husbands disappear from the home, poverty, and welfare dependence will increase. Children and parents will suffer as result.” Family structure plays a factor in combatting poverty and the evidence shows decline in family formation plays a role in the number of minorities in poverty. In 1930, only 6.3% children were born out of wedlock but today that number has risen to 40%. Thirty-six percent of single parents live in poverty compared to 6.3% of married couples. Only one out of four families with children are poor when contrasted to nearly 71% of families headed by single parents, showing that family formation is a significant factor in poverty. While many blame teen pregnancy for the increase in single parents, three out of five unwed children are born to women 20-29. Education plays a significant role in unwed mothers as the least educated women are more likely to have children out of wedlock. Sixty-seven percent of women without a high school degree have children without marriage whereas mothers with college degrees or higher have a 8.3% chance of children out of wedlock.

Education is a factor in whether a woman will have a child out of wedlock, but regardless of education, married women are less likely to live in poverty. Only 15% of women who are married and without a high school diploma live in poverty, whereas 47% of single female head of household dropouts live in poverty. Thirty-one percent of single female head of households with high school diplomas live in poverty compared to only 5% of married families and 24% of single female head of households with some college degree live in poverty compared to only 3.2% married women who live in poverty. Nearly 9% of women with college degrees or higher live in poverty compared to 1.5% of married families with college degree or higher.

Something has obviously gone horribly wrong with family formation; CLICK HERE to read more.

 

Are You Always Turned On And Need To Know When To Turn It Off?

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By Team BLAM

Do you have a problem with putting first things first?  Do you have the tendency to get your priorities all screwed up and focus on the wrong things at the wrong time?  Who besides you is impacted in that process?  Who gets hurt in that process?  What gets neglected in that process?  What message is being sent when everything else (including doing this damn video on our date night) comes before your wife, children, and your relationship?  Check out this video and see what happens when you’re always turned on and have trouble discerning when to turn it off.

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How To Persuade Your Man To Give Couples Coaching/Counseling A Real Try

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By Your Tango.com

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Here’s an interesting question: how do you get a man who won’t even ask for directions after driving in circles for two hours to go out and hire a stranger, then tell that person his deepest, darkest secrets?

 

Even when they’re in the company of close friends, men will generally keep sadness, disappointments and other internal conflicts to themselves. So how can your get a strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to a pro—with you?

 

Couples Counseling/Coaching

 

Start the conversation about couples counseling by talking about yourself, not about him. If you talk about him he may feel like you are on the attack, which will make him defensive and less likely to hear what you’re trying to tell him. Tell him you’ve been thinking about therapy because you want to take steps to be a better partner, and you can contribute more to the relationship if you have more tools in your kit.

 

While things can start with you, the process will be much more effective if both of you participate. After all, you’re both members of the couple and to change or improve both sides need to be involved. As a couple, you can both benefit from tips on how to communicate better and have a more satisfying relationship.

 

Invite him to go see someone with you on a strictly no obligation basis to test the waters and see how it feels to him. He might be surprised at how liberating and positive it feels. If the person is the right fit for the two of you, it’s likely that he will feel reassured and some (if not all) of his objections will go away.

 

A caveat: the discussion of going for help might get heated if he jumps to the conclusion that the counseling is the first step to separation or divorce. In your mind, it’s probably just the opposite, so make that clear. This will become more apparent to him once you’ve had a few sessions.

 

Other Issues

 

You might think that if your partner has a deeper problem such as depression or anxiety, it would help to attend sessions along with him, but that is not usually the case. If a man is put off by the thought of seeking help, the thought of looking weak in front of you is going to send him running. When introducing the idea that he might benefit from therapy by himself, it’s important to plant the seed of an idea and nurture it over time. After getting used to the idea he might start to think it’s a good idea.

 

Making suggestions might help to a certain extent, but it often takes a crisis of some kind—a failed friendship, career burnout, or some other traumatic event—to make him take the step towards help. The good news is that once men get down to business and say “yes” to help, that first step often brings a rapid sense of relief. When they admit something is wrong, they usually do what they do best: they get to work and fix it.

 

Men tend to shy away from group therapy situations, however, interpersonal interaction with other men can sometimes be a vital step in the process of healing. It provides an opportunity to break the pattern of isolation from other males. By allowing themselves to connect and be vulnerable with their peer group, men learn to nurture while preserving authentic masculinity. Once in this situation, men are often relieved that they no longer need to try to look good on the outside, while feeling empty and alone inside; they actually find there is strength in vulnerability. And of course you will always be there to support him, as well.

 

A Few Other Tips:

 

When it comes to asking him to join you in this process, try to stay away from issuing ultimatums. It can cloud the issue and raise questions like, “if she’s going to leave me anyway, what’s the point?” Or he may react to the control you’re exerting and rebel against that control “just because.”

When you sit down to talk about working with a coach, try to do it in the following way: 1) Have your logical plan laid out: “I want to go to therapy to work on this issue.” Offer clear details from your perspective. In therapy/coaching they call this talking from the “I” perspective, which helps to avoid blame. 2) Avoid open-ended complaints about your relationship. He knows you’re unhappy; chances are he is too. If you overstate your feelings, the opportunity to have a rational conversation may be lost in the heat of the moment

Stay positive in your approach—remember that most people respond better to praise than criticism. If you can look at the anticipated outcome instead of focusing on the current negativity, it usually goes better.

If you know which pro you want to work with, offer that person as a suggestion. But remember, your partner may want to feel like he’s a part of the decision making process. If he appears resistant to your choice, ask if he would like to help select the pro. Bring him to the website and do a search together.

Consider working with a male pro. Sometimes this can help men to feel more at ease with the process. You can search for men who are in your area or work remotely (this will give additional choices if your community is small). However, remember that simply because a pro is a male doesn’t mean he’s the right one for you; take a look at the whole set of qualities the pro offers, and try to keep an open mind about the male vs. female choice.

Remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day; your relationship didn’t get to the state it’s in overnight and it won’t be fixed overnight. You, your partner and your pro need time to sort through the details and work out a strategy together. Try to set realistic expectations for everyone by respecting the process and not pushing to fix things faster than they can honestly be mended.

If you’re at a loss for how to begin the conversation with your guy, talk to a pro and ask his or her advice. Professionals deal with this kind of dilemma frequently and often have ways to encourage men to participate.

Finally, when all else fails, remember that you love your partner and your desire to get help stems from the belief that you two can be happier. If you meet complete resistance, remind him that you’re doing this for you and for him. Appeal to his love for you and ask him to trust your judgment that this is something that will make things better.

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You Need To COMPLETELY Commit In Order To COMPLETELY Connect

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VIDEO: How many times have you heard us say that when it comes to relationships, “You get out what you put in.”  You can’t give a half ass effort in your relationship and expect to experience wholehearted love.  It just doesn’t work that way.  You need to completely commit in order to completely connect.  No…it’s not easy.  Yes…it is possible.  The first order of business if you want to experience marital bliss is to commit to the process.  COMMIT.  Get off the fence.  Get beyond the ambiguity.  Decide despite the trepidation to COMPLETELY commit so you can COMPLETELY connect.