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We understand that family is important and focusing on your children is extremely important. We also want you to know that focusing on your relationship is also very very important. Make sure you are intentional about lifting up and sustaining your relationship because it’s your love that will nourish your children for the rest of their lives.
Recently, I wrote a commentary on a recent murder that happened. This murder happened by a young African American teenager in Philadelphia. He murdered his mother. It really hurt my heart to read about. There were some important comments made in response by mothers. So, I decided to write a letter to my sisters…
I want each of you to know that when I lift up the fact that there is something…no some-one missing in this boys’s life that could have made a huge difference it does not negate or cancel out his mother’s efforts or actions to instill love, values, discipline, etc in this boy’s life.
I can understand why as single mothers there may be sensitivity when attention is called to the gaping hole and pain that exists when a father is absent. Because it is painful. But, let’s be real…. I know first hand. My father was an on again off again presence in my life for much of my childhood. It wasn’t until my mother remarried when I was 6 that I had a CONSISTENT male figure in my life. And, maaan did my stepfather make a huge difference. His mere presence, let alone his investment in me and love for me dramatically impacted my view of men, and the world…
But, guess what? Even with his undying love for his little girl (because he truly took me on as his own) it did not and could not fill the hole that was left by not having my biological father in my life.
Someone said: I AM THE FATHER. No…..you are not. You can no more be a father than you can sprout a penis or make sperm.
As women most of us can certainly understand how an absent mother can significantly impact a child. So, let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that an absent father does not. I’m not sure why some sisters felt the need to list the accomplishments of their children and talk about all that they have done to sacrifice for and raise their children well. My shedding light on the absent father in this scenario again was not an attempt to knock that mama or any mother.
My talking about the absentee father is certainly not saying that if a father or male figure is not around the male child will be an absolute failure. My point was that men make a difference in the lives of little men. You can have a successful young man come out of a single parent (woman) household and be SUPER successful in the world’s eyes. But, I guarantee you (and this is not just my opinion….this is based on years of experience, working with hundreds of young adolescent males, and the research) HE WILL STILL HAVE ISSUES TO DEAL WITH PSYCHOLOGICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY AS IT RELATES TO NOT HAVING HIS FATHER OR RELATIONSHIPS WITH A MAN WHO GENUINELY LOVES AND LOOKS OUT FOR HIM.
PLEEEEEEEEASE understand that there is NOTHING you can do about that. Even in a two parent household there are pains that children will experience from one parent or another that the other parent can do NOTHING about. We can love the child, be there for the child, but you cannot take the pain away or fill the hole up for your child. Im sorry, you just can’t. Only God and that person can do it for themselves….
Now, as I mentioned in the post I have counseled African American male teens for several years and the common thread for the children I have worked with is that they are angry, delinquent, oppositional, and have no fathers. Now, wait a sec, IN ADDITION to that the environments they live in have a whole bunch of negative influences….oftentimes their mothers have significant emotional and mental health problems , these young men are not being exposed to different possibilities for their lives , and their are generational issues in the home like alcoholism, drug abuse, neglect etc.
So, I AGREE, having a home with an absentee father does not doom one to a life of misery by any means.
BUT KNOW THIS: The young men who had uncles, brothers, etc. STILL DID SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER than the ones with no male figure. Even the young men I worked with who had dysfunctional, f*@ked up fathers who were in the home or consistently involved in their sons’ lives DID SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER than the ones with no male figure.
Many of you said that you make it a point to have men involved in your childrens’ lives and that is so crucial! So, it seems to me that some of us understand that just because there is no father in the home doesn’t mean that our children can’t be exposed to examples of and HAVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH (there is a difference) strong men.
Like someone said ….it really does take a village. Why, a village? Because each person, each gender, each generation has a part to play…..has a role. If one person could do it all there would be no need for the village. But, it’s NEVER that simple…..NEVER.
Best Intentions,
Aiyana
by Aiyana Ma’at Authorities say a young Kendall Anderson was so angry his mom took away his PlayStation that he killed her with a claw hammer.
Our children are angry. No, they are more than angry. They are outraged….outraged at what? Some of them know. And, some of them don’t have a clue.
I’ve counseled many African American male teens who will tell you in a heartbeat. “Don’t nobody care about me. My mother…she do the best she can but she ain’t no man so she can’t teach me how to be a man. I don’t know where my father is…..man f*!k that ni**a, I don’t need him anyway!”
So, when I see a report in the news about another one of our children (especially our boys) temporarily “losing their mind” (because that’s what happens—they temporarily lose their mind) my first question is: “Where’s the man?” When all of that bottled up, pushed down, hot scorching pain that they’ve suppressed for so long comes bubbling out onto the surface…. you better watch out. And, it seems often at the slightest provocation. A playstation, really?! Yes, REALLY. Rage isn’t logical. No, indeed it’s quite dangerous.
And, while I in no way feel that this youngster shouldn’t have to face the natural consequences that come with snuffing out someone’s life (laaawd, his mother no less!); I feel that ultimately there are some folks who need to be locked up with him. Where was his Daddy? The young man said in his confessional: “I really miss my mom….She was the only person who cared for me.” THE ONLY PERSON? That says a lot. Where were the uncles, grandfathers, older cousins, godfathers?? Where?!
I know what you’re thinking. “This young man is probably very disturbed….there’s a lot we surely don’t know” or “Aiyana, you’re trying to make it all deep…talking about rage and all that but this boy just needed somebody to seriously check him.” Well, to both of these thoughts I say: You are most likely quite right….all I know is that this young man needed (and still does) a CONSISTENT MAN in his life. Someone to say “I’m listening.” and someone to say “Be Quiet and You Listen.” I’ve worked with young men just like Kendall Anderson for 10+ years and I’m telling you it would have made a hell of a difference.
Source NY Daily News/BlackVoices
The 16-year-old allegedly told police he decided to kill his mother, Rashida Anderson, after a 90-minute argument that culminated in her taking the video-game console away.
Anderson considered his actions before killing his 37-year-old single mother, said the judge who read the teen’s statement in Philadelphia Municipal Court. The teen paced for three hours mulling over what he would do before deciding to kill her, said his confession, which he gave to a police detective.
Anderson struck her 20 times with a claw hammer while she slept.
In an effort to get rid of her body, he tried to “cremate her” in the oven, according to the confession. When that failed, he smashed her head with a chair, then dragged the body out into the alley behind their house and hid it.
The remains were not found until nearly two days later, after family became suspicious and notified police. Anderson was charged with murder in December, as well as possession of an instrument of a crime and abuse of a corpse.
The teen was not known to be violent, but had been charged with stealing a laptop from his high school.
“If I could, I would not do it again,” he said in his confession. “I really miss my mom. … She was the only person who cared for me.”
by Kimberly K. Parker Often, I find my children engaged in conversations about toys and games they plan to acquire…one day. With various methods and means of advertising, they are bound to eventually make the acquaintance of an item that captures their undivided attention. Unless it truly serves an educational need, my husband and I purchase out of necessity and do not over indulge our children in the latest “this” or the most advanced “that”. Instead, we strategically invest in a game or activity here and there while closely monitoring its use.
For several months, my sons had hoped to get an Xbox®. In spite of their many requests, it has not been honored. In 2008 they pooled together money they saved for a year and, with a little extra help from extended family, purchased a Wii®. As far as I was concerned, if I could hold onto my Atari® for over ten years…and like it…then they had no room to even think about upgrading their two-year old console!
Recently, my older son made haste to get to me while in the kitchen. His face was all aglow as he planted himself just a few steps beyond where I stood. It was obvious that he had a brilliant idea and he was most anxious to hurl it my way! I could hardly wait to hear his sure-fire plan that, apparently, he surmised would be readily accepted. Knowing well my system of saving money, he suggested that in order for he and his brother to get the Xbox® they long desired, I should put aside a little bit of money every week. Once I’ve saved enough, together we would go shopping for this just-gotta-have-one game and, finally, it would be theirs for years to come!
Stroking my chin while pausing briefly, I gently smiled at this beautiful tween-child of mine. For a moment, I got stuck on his most handsome face and keen mind. Seems like yesterday I just brought him home from the hospital! With the daze lifting, I applauded him for his ingenuity! It was most apparent he invested a bit of thought into how he could help me find a way to help him. In essence, should I adopt his plan then he could actually receive credit for contributing to the ultimate acquisition of the console.
Now, I’d like to consider myself as a promoter of self-sufficiency. You know: “God bless the child’s that got his own, that’s got his own!” Through a plethora of personal experiences, I adopted this mindset early on in my life. If beyond food, shelter, and clothing it was to be, it was clearly up to me. So, I countered his proposal and suggested that he and his brother do what they did two years before: save their monies and pool it together whereby they will be able to purchase the Xbox®. Additionally, I encouraged him to develop this “better savings plan” in writing, outlining all of the particulars of earning the money.
Of course this route would prolong the purchase a bit, but it would be well worth the wait! To be gleaned are lessons in self-sufficiency, patience, saving, and investing all of which would certainly yield a lifetime of positive results. It is far too easy to just hand our children life and all therein on a platter. If our mission as parents is to groom them into productive contributors of our society and the world at large, we must employ various rites of passage and teach them how. In essence, stop handing them the fish, but teach them how to fish. I hope and pray to do them justice.
Kimberly K. Parker is the owner of Writing Momma Publishing (www.writingmomma.com). She is hosting “Isn’t She Lovely!”, an elegant father and daughter event in March 2011 in hopes of promoting the importance of the relationship between little girls and their fathers. Visit www.isntshelovely.eventbrite.com to purchase tickets and for more information. Kimberly is an author and blogger living in Maryland with her husband and three children.
By Neysa Ellery Taylor
The “slacker parent” doesn’t know how to jump into the family life again. They don’t want to do something wrong so it is easier to just stay out of it. The slacker parent tried to jump into the fray but got shot down when they didn’t do it the way the other parent did.
Do either of these parents sound familiar? So now what? How can they both turn into effective co-parents? Simple answer: the married single parent has to loosen the reins and give the slacker parent freedom to fail. The slacker parent has to assert themselves and complete tasks. That’s the simple answer. But what does that actually look like?
Tips for the Married Single Parent:
1. Open your mouth. Share your to-do list with your spouse.
2. Give your spouse room to fail. If they make a mistake, don’t rub their nose in it.
3. Let them do things their way. Who cares if they fold towels in squares instead of rectangles? Let them do it their way. Bottom line is it’s getting done.
Tips for the Slacker Parent:
1. Complete a task. Complete a task, any task. Boost your self-confidence by completing something on your to-do list.
2. Ask for help, guidance if you need it. If you haven’t been involved in a while, it’s ok to ask for help. But remember you are asking for help, not asking for your spouse to take over.
3. Make your word your bond. If you say you are going to do something, do it. Your spouse learns to trust you to help by the things that you do, not the things that you say you are going to do.
Bottom line: There is always going to be an ebb and flow to marriage and co-parenting. Sometimes you will do more, others your spouse will. But if you work to make sure that the tide doesn’t always flow one way, then you can go from a “married single parent” to an “effective co-parent.”
by Aiyana Ma’at Today is the first day in February, a month that traditionally focuses on the rich and vibrant past of black folks and the often misunderstood but, oh so powerful, concept of Love. As I sat this morning in my quiet time I began to think about the whirlwind of events and happenings that will be taking place this month…Black History Celebrations, i.e., reports on Harriet Tubman (you know you did one when you were little) :-), recitations of Martin Luther King’s “I Have A Dream” speech , African drumming & dancing performances, and on and on. Let’s not forget about all of the “Love” focus that will be taking place this month…Sweetheart Dances, gifts of chocolate & roses, children begging parents to get the perfect Valentine cards (with the lollipop stuck to it) to give to friends at school. These are but a few of the small and big traditions that we as African Americans engage in during the month of February. And, it’s all good…
Except today, I want you and I to do something a little different. I want us to take this “Black History” & “Black Love” thang to another level. Let’s do a little Self-examination. But, first let’s be clear on exactly what self-examination is. Self- examination is introspection and contemplation of one’s own state, conduct, motives, and desires. At least, this is how the dictionary defines it. I like that definition. But, just in case that’s a bit too wordy for you, here’s my definition: Self-examination– To get real and stay real as you look at your “real” self and not your “made up” self. “So,What’s the point?”, you ask. You see, we don’t want to look at ourselves just because we can. No, the point is to gain insight into who we’ve been, who we really are now (as in are you really living your life in the way that you like to present to the outside world?), and who we are destined to become. It just amazes me sometimes at how many people do not take time out to just sit down somewhere and look at themselves. But, hey I understand it….because I’m guilty of not doing it too.
Ok, so now that we’re clear on self-examination let’s get back to looking at your personal Black History & Black Love Lessons. The title of this article is: Is Your History Holding You Back? How would you know if it is or isn’t? When you take a moment to think about what it was like growing up in your house with the people that lived in your house what comes up for you? Were there beautiful, balanced, and affirming images of love between your parents, other adults, and between you and your caretakers. How were you treated? Did everybody scream in your house? Did everybody stuff their feelings down and make sure they were “appropriate” all the time?
And, what about the legacy of relationships and marriage in your family? Were most folks happily married? Were you and all of your cousins and nem’ (smile) raised in single parent households? Or were there folks in your family married….with the husband having a family on the side that nobody ever talked about? Here’s what I’m getting at ya’ll…. What is the legacy that your family has built over time? This legacy impacts you more profoundly than you realize—for good or for bad. More importantly, what are you doing to continue patterns that need to STOP? What will you do right here and right now to change the course of history in your family? YOU can be the change your family needs. YOU have the power to do some self-examination and make a decision to do better. YOU can chalk where you (and your family) are in life to a comment like this: “Hey, it is what it is…” as you shrug your shoulders or you can start charting a new history in your life & in your love relationships with a statement like this: “It is what I say it is and I say My family will do better and be better—starting with me.
Today, find some quiet time wherever and however you can find it and ask yourself: “What behavior, habit, or pattern am I continuing today that started with my family? That’s all you need to do today. Identify it. That’s the first step toward changing it. Take your personal history and use it to transform you and push you forward instead of imprison you and hold you back.
This is true Black History. True Black Love. Some might even dare to say it’s true…Black Power. 😉
VIDEO: 14 year old teen, Damon Williams, has a portfolio worth over $50,000 and knows stocks & bonds like most kids know tips & tricks for the latest video games. Damon was only 5 years old when he bought his first share of Nike stock and credits his mom for getting him started. Damon’s mom says she taught him “to be excited about being an “owner” as in owning a piece of the company that made that Happy Meal for him that he was always begging for or owning a piece of Nike for all those gym shoes he has to have”.
Damon teaches other children about the power of investing and could teach many adults a thing or two. This is a wonderful example of parenting done right when it comes to learning about money. This is how it should be. If you haven’t already committed—make a decision in 2011 to make sure your children (…and that doesn’t necessarily have to be your biological child) are being exposed to financial principles that most of us did not get growing up. Being equipped with even a small amount of financial common sense can change the qualities of our children’s lives drastically in the years to come
Who’s ready?!
VIDEO: Learning how to work together to raise children can be challenging. One person feels the other is too easy or hard on the child. Another person wants to execute disciplinary actions like a military maven and the other feels the children will be worse off with that kind of disciplining. Throw in previous children from another marriage who don’t necessarily fully (legally) belong to both persons in the marriage and the situation becomes even more complex. Listen in as we answer the question of a viewer who asks how to deal with disciplining with a partner who has a different background, upbringing, and philosophy than herself…..and they are a blended family. This is tough stuff but it’s definitely do-able.
by Kimberly K. Parker Parents are the most goal-minded individuals I have ever encountered. But, of course! We must ensure schedules and plans are in place to help us effectively govern our day-to-day activities. I dare not exhaust the “things-to-do list” filled with household management items, J-O-B deadlines, and children activities. It seems to never cease! Typically, moms and dads wake up with a clear picture of how the day will end…before it begins!
Spontaneity, which is not my “friend”, backed me into a corner one evening as I extended the invitation to play Scrabble® with my son…on a school night! Merely seconds away from hyperventilating after coming to my senses (a school night?), I grabbed the game with haste, removed it from the box, and positioned myself comfortably on my living room floor. My son was thrilled, to say the least. Guardedly he stated, “Momma, but it’s a school night. This is cool!”
Our game commenced and for the next fifteen minutes the flow was quite nice. Suddenly, in the midst thereof, I felt an overwhelming urge to read the rules. I just had to be certain that we were honoring the intentions of its creator precisely. While my objective was to win, attaining victory properly was my true purpose! My son, who was waiting patiently to resume playing, turned to me and said, “Momma, can we please just have fun?”
It does not take much for me to pump my breaks! Such a simple request from one who was in this Scrabble® competition for the sheer love of playing with his Momma! Then, it dawned on me: I was operating with a perfectionist mentality and was missing out on the joys of spending time with him in this manner. I was focused on the product (playing and winning the game as designed) and not the process (the loads of fun I could have with my son).
Once I dropped the paper and pushed it to the side, I was able to relax and have a ball! Now, some of the words we created surely did not exist, but who cared? Sore stomachs, tussling over a letter or two, and praying for a chance to use the letter “Q” filled the remainder of our evening. LOL! What a great, spontaneous, non-hyperventilating moment from that point forward! And, I totally became “one cool Momma!”
B Intentional Family, As parents, do you think we sometimes get caught up in schedules & routines too much? What’s most useful—teaching our children the importance of spontaneity and going with the flow or teaching the value of structure and order? I’d love to hear from you! Feel free to share your comments with me.
Kimberly K. Parker is the owner of Writing Momma Publishing. She is hosting “Isn’t She Lovely!”, an elegant father and daughter event in March 2011 in hopes of promoting the importance of the relationship between little girls and their fathers. Visit www.isntshelovely.eventbrite.com to purchase tickets and for more information. Kimberly is an author and blogger living in Maryland with her husband and three children.
by Aiyana Ma’at As I sit here and type these words I struggle to hold back the tears so that I can see the computer screen. I cannot describe the hurt, pain, anger, and disgust that I feel in my heart right now. 20 month old Rashad Walker Jr. was killed while sleeping in his car seat in the back seat of his mother’s minivan this past Sunday, November 28, 2010 at 4:30pm. He was shot with up to 10 bullets. Witnesses say the target was the child’s 19 year old father. Why? Why? This innocent baby didn’t do anything. He didn’t deserve this. This is crazy! As a mother of 4 young children my heart hurts as I imagine what this mother must be going through. One minute all is well and the next minute your child is snatched from you. Only God can truly heal the hole that has been left in this family’s heart….only God.
I am outraged! And, what really gets me heated is that I don’t have to listen to the news or read any article to know that this senseless murder was caused by some foolish folks in the community who, more often than not, look like me—a young black person who’s more than misguided & doesn’t realize that he (or she) is killing himself. The reality is that we’ve got to save our children—victims and perpetrators alike. I shudder to think about something like this happening to one of my children. I would LOSE MY MIND and the phrase “an eye for an eye” would take on brand new meaning. I need a word today ya’ll cause’ I’m mad as hell. Here’s an excerpt from an article that Dr. Boyce Watkins, a regular contributor on Black Voices.com, wrote about this horrible tragedy:
Excerpt From Black Voices.com
The story of Rashad Walker is clearly one of the most tragic incidents we’ve read about all year. It takes us back to the police shooting of Aiyana Jones, the 7-year old in Detroit who was shot while sleeping during a police raid. This story is also personal to me because I live in Syracuse, a city that (like so many others) continues to be plagued by gun violence.
Events like this emphasize the importance of community policing and helping officers to apprehend those who are responsible for creating this kind of pain in our communities. Also, these incidents tell us that we’ve got to do something to slow down the gun violence in America’s cities. The weapons that are killing our children should be taken off the streets.
Another thing about Syracuse, as well as many other urban areas around the nation, is that the educational system is plagued with significant inadequacies. There are not enough activities to keep young people off the streets, and there are few, if any, jobs available for inner-city youth. Such dire conditions breed the kind of hopelessness which leads to violent incidents like this one.
The criminal justice system serves to make matters worse by showing an insatiable willingness to abuse and incarcerate defendants rather than rehabilitate them. By removing so many Fathers from the inner city, we have children who grow up to become either victims or perpetrators of violent crime. This cycle has got to stop.
B Intentional Family, What can we do to lift our communities out of this senseless space of self-destruction? Everyone (including me and you) is accountable.
CLICK HERE for more details on this tragic story.
